To wonder why some on MN insist on othering only children

[JaneBirkenstocks]

As though they are peculiar. When they're just regular humans who happen not to have a sibling/s.

Since I joined MN when DD (now 18) was a toddler there have been numerous threads asking if onlies are lonely, selfish or bored. More difficult to parent, to teach to share, to socialise.

I've never come across a thread asking what it's like to be the 3rd child in a family of 4. It was fine in case anyone's wondering.

It means that you’ve demonstrated exactly what OP is talking about.

Congratulations - you’ve just conclusively proved the premise of this thread.

Would you stereotype literally any other group of people in this way?

Seems weird to get upset about this so far along the road

I'm not in the least bit upset, just curious so have started a conversation on it.

Things like learning to share obviously doesn't come up with 2/3/4 children as you presume they will have to learn at home, where they learn to a degree that they are not the centre of everyone's universe

As a former reception teacher, I can assure you that not all siblings learn to share at home!

I'm simply stating my own experiences of only children.

I'm an only child myself and was ridiculously indulged as a child (finances permitting) and was probably the exact only child stereotype.

As an only, I think there's many more only children now compared to when I was a kid. Largely due to finances, house size and mothers in general being older these days. In the eighties my mum was one of the older mums at school, and she had me at 25!
Also relationships and family dynamics are different. There's more people (cough dads) in my child's
class who have remarried and have new families. Who wants to have 2/3 children with your new wife when you have 2/3 children already to support?
I think how we expect children to behave has also changed. There's less parents sending children to play 'out the front' as in my day, and in those days I think having a sibling was a massive plus for the parents, so they could protect the other one. Maybe this is just my rough upbringing though

As with everything, context is all. I was an only child to a broke, single mother with no contact with my father. An only child with two well off parents would find it a completely different experience. Also if my mum had remarried, or gone on to have other children, I wouldn't be the same person I was today.
When I was a kid it was quite unusual to be both an only child and have an absent dad. People used to comment on the latter far far more. I've had people make only child quips but less do so when they realise I'm not the 'two parents, showered in praise' kid. I was however awkward and loved chatting to grown ups, drank coffee aged 8 and love old people. That's just personality though, I know many kids who are old souls, not all are only children!

It is weird, as if other children aren't all strange and messy too. Only children may well have collective quirks (I'm not convinced) but my husband is the fabled eldest son and that hasn't exactly imbued him with a humble and generous spirit.

It may your perception of having an only that they get othered more than other kids, but I can assure you that people are just mindless twats who flap on about anything regardless of your child's sibling status.

My unborn son is a rapist waiting to happen according to some. He's a footballer in the making because he kicks (girl fetuses presumably expected to remain motionless, then?). It's great I'm having a boy because girls are cliquey and bitchy. It's great I'm having a boy because girls scream the house down.

He's likely to be an only too, so they'll add in their little rules about that too...

I don't know who my boy is yet. His strongest opinions are about music with a particular beat, and me dropping hot tea down my throat onto his feet.

I can't help but notice that it's the dull and hard of thinking who come out with the blandest tripe about who he'll be.

I have an only child by choice and I only think of it when a topic comes up talking about it, nothing anyone can say changes the fact I won't have another child

I am 100% fine with what people say as it is on them not me, I have no desire to have any more children so why would their opinion change that? It works for us so it is what it is

I think part of the minor obsession with it on Mn is that such a significant proportion of posters are misanthropic, socially anxious or socially awkward, and struggle with friendships in general — I see regular references to ‘friends coming and going’ but ‘siblings will always be there’, which I think bespeaks a particular attitude to friendships as difficult, unachievable or unsustainable.

Bluntly, a lot of Mners don’t have many/any friends and struggle with loneliness, and as a consequence don’t have confidence that their child will be able to make and keep a good sustaining circle of friends, thereby fuelling paranoid fears their child will be ‘alone in the world’ once their parents die.

And maybe they’re not wrong, if they’re modelling their attitude to friendships to their child.

I think the way only children are treated by families varies as much as the way siblings are treated within families. Also depending on sibling age gaps, then older siblings can essentially be only children for quite a long time. Longer age gaps seem more common now (due to cost of living) and the standard 2-3 year gap seems to be extending to 5-6 years.

My DH is a "sort of" only, he has step/half siblings, but didn't live with them. As far as I can tell, he was sort of benignly ignored throughout his childhood and certainly not spoiled. Infact, he often felt he was unable to ask for what he truly wanted (birthdays/Christmas) as there was this unspoken feeling of being a financial burden (he wasn't...there was plenty of money). He was just expected to fit in with whatever the adults were doing and tagged along with very little attention placed upon him. There wasn't any sort of "let's do this activity because little DH would love to experience that". 😕I would say this experience is sadly probably just as common as the "spoiled only" claptrap trotted out on MN.

DH is keen to for us to have more than one DC because of his experiences and tbh I don't blame him.

I think because a lot of us had experiences when our DCs were younger with “selfish” and very inconsiderate behaviour from only children which shocked us into thinking they can’t possibly ever learn…

the friends of mine who did choose to have just one did end up with a very independent and helpful person in the household to a degree that one of several sibling didn’t normally do it a not all bad I think

Sounds like you're the annoying one.

I’ve never seen them othered

Even in your examples, of course people will ask. As some people want to know when making decisions around adding to their family

Obviously everyone has their own experiences of their childhood and their own explanations for those. Overall the research shows there is no problem being an only child. I agree with you OP in the sense that for something that research shows to be not particularly consequential, the focus is really disproportionate. People are clearly insecure about it and I think that’s because it’s tied to a lot of cultural values, beliefs and stereotyping. We’ve already seen a that on this thread.

It was the same 40 years ago. I was always being asked when I'd have the 2nd. My DS is 40 and has no interest whatsoever in having a sibling, never has. He knows he will inherit everything.

It’s not just MN, society others only children and their parents too. Hopefully as they become more common people might get over themselves and recognise that families with one child are just as valid.

It’s all G. Stanley Hall’s fault.

He decided/theorised that being an only child was “a disease in itself. Created a boatload of stereotypes. It got popularised. More stereotypes added.

None of it holds up to scrutiny. Studies show onlies do as well as kids with siblings. Perhaps even a little better in a couple of areas.

The stereotype continues.

You can start (figuratively) whacking people around the chops with print outs of the studies. This will cost you money, to access, print, and print again after you’ve done some (figurative) whacking making wear and tear an issue. God knows they’ll never get worn out from being read, people don’t like to read piles of things that disprove their long held “makes me feel good about my own superior choices” beliefs.

Or !

Just shrug it off. Smile and nod. Move on. By the time your smallie is big the majority of the mummy wars topics are relegated to a dim and distant past you can barely remember (all hail the brain fog of peri menopause) , and don’t understand why you got sucked into it anyway.

Othered is a bit strong OP!

Wow, poor only children hey! What a nasty post.

It’s all G. Stanley Hall’s fault.

Didn't know this. It's fascinting how often bad science catches on and lingers!

I’m an only and have noticed a lot of unpleasant attitude from other adults about only children, especially teachers. I’d often hear comments in the staff room like ‘well he is an only child so that’s to be expected’.
But I think that as it’s become more common (I was the only only I knew) and they are seen as less of an oddity.

The same limited thinking applies to those who home educate.
Like your child never comes into contact with anyone else.

I'm an only child. I don't see it as othering children, more wanting opinions on a decision to have just one, or reassurance and advice on avoiding pitfalls if you have made a decision, or have no choice in the matter.
Only children do have a specific childhood experience that some find positive while others do not. I think its understandable that people who have a choice would want to canvas some opinions before making a decision that is quite a big deal in a child's life.

As a youngest of four, this certainly resonates with me, especially with my older siblings trotting out "spoilt youngest" claptrap.

I had no choice but to follow on (happily, I might add), with a lifestyle planned for them. I was a toddler running around trying to stop the teens fighting with their parents. I kept shtum about my troubles because everyone else was being loud about theirs.

And most annoying of all, as a well-behaved and high-performing child who never gave any trouble, I had to live with a lot of strict rules invented for the sake of my troublesome older siblings!

I'm an only (grew up without a dad around and it was very unusual in those days to be in that situation). I was never bored, was always finding ways to amuse myself. Not lonely, because I kept myself occupied. Have often heard the 'you're an only so you must be spoiled' line. No I wasn't. Often neighbouring kids from large families had more things and got whatever they wanted! I didn't.

I'm good at making friends - I think that's down to one's personality, not whether or not you have siblings. Sharing? Yeah not good at that, I have had to learn! Did I think I was 'very grown up'? No! I was a very late bloomer, actually!

My DP is also an only, but had both parents around. He too has many friends but like me is very good at entertaining himself. We both like a lot of 'alone' time.

Honestly I think it's because we are a minority group that we get these sorts of comments made. I bet people in Communist China who were allowed only one child don't say those things!