Armchair psychologists, please settle in

[CoWorkerAggravation]

The co-worker in question and I are both new to the organisation. We have very similar roles but there are points of difference. We are both in a team of 6. I joined the organisation first and was so pleased by how normal everyone was. No egos or any of that dickhead behaviour that so frequently dominates workplaces.

Then the 6th person joined. Gotta say, she is in many respects a great worker: conscientious, outgoing, some good skills there.

Problem for me is that I feel crowded by her. She involves herself in my work without invitation.

Examples:

1. I mentioned I was working on a task that may require videography. Within 30mins, she emailed the whole team saying Heeeey teeeeam, I have just connected with VideoGuy and @CoWorker I have told him you will call him. In fact, I had just arranged videography so her "help" was just something else to deal with.
2. We hotdesk. I arrive at the office and she insists I sit by her. Or if I'm there first, she makes a point of trying to rearrange everyone so she's next to me. Yet if I'm away from my desk for any length of time, meetings for example, I come back to find she's persuaded someone else to sit where I was.
3. If a request comes to the team that requires my input, she'll answer on my behalf - "Thanks for getting in touch, @CoWorker can you deal with this please. I have twice told her that it's ok, I'll deal with it and not to answer on my behalf but this has made no difference.
4. During a chat, I told her that I'd found a cute cafe near the office where I ate breakfast once a week. Within an HOUR, she had emailed everyone inviting them to "her cafe". Now she does it daily.

I could give many more examples. In isolation, they are trivial but it's multiple incidents each day and I find myself feeling crowded, undermined, disrespected, almost as though her focus is to show me up.

The other thing she does is exclude me from meetings and e-chains that I need to be across, whenever she has the opportunity. I did raise this with our boss and she was pulled up on it. It has improved slightly but I feel like she is still hellbent on undermining me.

I have no idea why. we are both new and we're meant to be a team. What the hell do I do? I don't see her doing this to anyone else. I see her being very bossy and talking at length about herself - "I'm a very curious person" "I love dealing with problems, I'm really great at solving things" that sort of thing, bigging herself up, and undoubtedly that has been noticed but I don't see her trying to trip up other colleagues and the incidents are so silly that I feel that if I said something it would reflect poorly on me.

Sounds like she wants to climb the career ladder and you are the first rung to clear. I have experienced this before. It’s bullying.

Thank you for understanding. Her ambitiousness has been verbally noted by several already. I have no problem with being ambitious, but I do dislike it at the expense of others. There is room in the organisation for everyone to be great at their jobs.

She feels threatened by you for some reason, so is making preemptive strikes

So frustrating. Do you think there is anything I can do to reduce her anxiety? I mean, I try to be helpful in terms of sharing information that she may need, taking an interest in her work but I have little patience for social working other people's insecurities in the workplace.

Is it just you she does it to? What does everyone else (and your manager!) think of her?
I mean,you don't 'see' her tripping up other colleagues but things like the cafe... they wouldn't know you said it first would they?
Have you spoken to them about her?

Don’t bother trying to reduce her anxiety. She sounds toxic. You need a mix of rising above, grey rock, and setting firm boundaries. Be cautious with latter though as nasty people like this often get worse when you say no to them.

I would go through other people like your/her line manager as much as possible regarding the obviously poor behaviour, which is the excluding you from meetings, and tasking you with things in emails to others (which isn’t her job).

Try to avoid sitting next to her if you can. A breezy “I’m fine thanks I’ll sit over here” or whatever. And stop sharing any details of your personal life or habits with her. It’s all just ammunition

She sounds like a nightmare. Unfortunately it may be that only one of you is still standing once this has played out. If your manager has already acknowledged and tried to addresss the issue of her not being a team player, you should continue to flag any instances where she doesn't behave professionally. Try to avoid it looking personal. She's likely annoying other people and ultimately that's not good for morale.

I hear you op, I've had a similar situation and it's infuriating, stressful and anxiety inducing.
From my armchair, this is someone who sees you as competition.

Don't underestimate what others in the team see - sooner or later people will be starting to see her for who she is and I bet she'll be getting on other peoples nerves too.

Give your manager a heads up that this is happening.

I'd encourage you to keep a record of every example. Theme the examples, e.g 'undermining' 'controlling' 'sabotaging' 'hyper critical' or whatever. This will help you give an objectively descriptive account of her bullying behaviours, should you ever find yourself having to do that. Also keep a record of any feedback conversations you've had with her.

Do you think there is anything I can do to reduce her anxiety? I mean, I try to be helpful in terms of sharing information that she may need

I'm not sure about this - you're dealing with someone who is unhinged and you've already discovered that when you share info with her she uses it to her advantage, against you

You're right in that she has a natural tendency to be bossy and answer for others; I have noticed this in online chats involving the team. For example, someone will say, I'll see you all in the office. And she'll reply, you won't see colleague 3 because he's working from home. That sort of thing.

She has verbally expressed criticism of multiple people e.g. after we attended a presentation by a director, she voiced her criticism of his presenting style during a team meeting. This is a theme ie. she is the authority. I imagine that will be picked up by others.

I did speak to one colleague about it and she was like, "Oh she is obviously very ambitious and keen to make a name for herself. And do pull her up when she's out of line." But no, she didn't mention that she had experienced similar behaviour. I am guessing it's because the other team members are very established.

Absolutely this. And people like her see being nice as being weak and an easy target.

I had something like this with a coworker years ago.
We were both pretty new, and she was acting very similarly to what you described.

Turns out, during her interview, she had asked about progression opportunities within the company, and the HM told her that they’d be looking to extend the teams further in the near future so they’d be looking to hire/promote new supervisory staff.

She was desperate to take on one of these roles, and tried micromanaging everyone in an attempt to show she could act as a line manager.

It was badly received by everyone, and she ended up getting a lot of complaints from the entire team. (She also didn’t get a promotion, if that helps)

Some ppl are just too hungry in their ambitions and would do anything to rise above, she obviously sees you as her competitor so gives you a hard time.
I would suggest don't get too friendly with her set your boundaries and don't share nothing of your personal life with her. Don't let her bully you and don't sit next to her.
The more lenient you are towards her the more she will walk all over you so stand up to her where she is crossing the line.

She sounds really really infuriating. I would limit whatever I said to her and where I needed to pull her up. I would always make sure there's a paper trail with your boss copied in. I wouldn't even do a BCC, she needs to know that other people notice what's going on. I certainly wouldn't have her sitting next to me.

I would say this.

But by the sound of it she probably doesn’t need to kick you out of the way to progress?

Don’t torture yourself thinking about what you can do to reduce her anxiety and behave better, as she is just nuts.

If you’ve already pulled her up on ccs and invites and been supported, that’s helpful. Keep a note of any ongoing issues like this and raise it with your manager when needed.

If she is answering your emails / asking you to do things that are nothing to do with her - answer reply all by email 3 times ‘thanks x, this comes under my job description so I’ll handle this’ ‘thanks - but I didn’t ask you to do that, I already have a videographer’ (and mail the guy in question cc’ing her ‘sorry x misunderstood, we already have someone’). It’s essential to reply all and politely call her on it so she realises you cannot be bullied. it happens a 4th time then you take it to your manager.

Things like the cafe - you can’t do much about but make a resolution from now to be polite but very boundaried, no weekend chat, no humouring her about where you sit - think about a calm disinterested character you know IRL or on TV and channel them. The point is not to intimidate her but to give her no material to play with. If she just keeps hitting rock eventually she will go and dig somewhere else.

Keep a note of all her carry on so when and if you do need to take it to HR you have a handy reference. It will help you to feel active rather than passive.

People like this do often get bored and move onto something else, so fingers crossed that will happen.

Do you get a probationary review with your manager at all? I'd take the chance to tell them how much you love the job and then towards the end, ask for their advice on how to set deal with some weird behaviours from this colleague.

I am going through similar at the moment but from an ex colleague who has joined my new team. She blagged her way in by waxing lyrical about how well she & I work together.

This is very helpful, thank you. I'm going to do just that.... keep my distance, be professional, avoid chitchats about personal lives, keep a record of microaggressions, and raise it with manager if it keeps happening.

Oops, that was to @Daffidale

Just had one... he was effusive in his praise, said he was "blown away" by my work and skill and to just keep doing what I'm doing. Also, how soon would I be interested in promotion.

We do have regular catch ups so I think I will do the observe and record thing and bring it up in a couple of weeks. Mostly I want to focus on doing a great job and I feel frustrated that I am having to expend energy dealing with crap.

I went to work feeling buoyed by the support from this thread but within an hour was irritated again. We had a meeting booked with 6 others from another team and she changed the time without checking in with me, then messaged me , "Hey, I've changed the time, hope you can make it!"

I messaged back saying, "Yes, I can make it but I'd appreciate it if you would check with me before changing arrangements"

She sent back a, "Wow, didn't think it would be such a big deal"

Of course, it's a big deal if you can't make the meeting! Is she stupid?

You did well to hold the boundary 👍. I wonder if she will pushback on boundary setting in the short term? I'd get ready for a few weeks of extra annoying behaviour. Get your breathing exercises ready!

Thank you!! I am starting to doubt myself.

It's relentless. At the next meeting, which involved 8 people most of whom were from other teams, she got very impatient and said, "Do we even need to do this?"

It was quite good really. The person leading was quiet for a moment then said quietly, "Ok, so let's work through what we've got..." And it was a lovely moment for me to realise that at least her pushiness isn't aimed just at me. I think I experience it the most because of our workstream but I am hoping that if I stay calm and firm, she'll come a cropper along the way.

Sounds like you’ve found the controlling office lunatic. There’s always one.

Definitely controlling. The changing-meeting-times/venues is a constant. It just makes everyone confused. But I think I'll let others take her up on that.

My main anxiety was that it seemed to be directed at me but maybe it's others too? Argh. She doesn't have a permanent role, just fixed-term, whereas mine is permanent.