Armchair psychologists, please settle in

[CoWorkerAggravation]

The co-worker in question and I are both new to the organisation. We have very similar roles but there are points of difference. We are both in a team of 6. I joined the organisation first and was so pleased by how normal everyone was. No egos or any of that dickhead behaviour that so frequently dominates workplaces.

Then the 6th person joined. Gotta say, she is in many respects a great worker: conscientious, outgoing, some good skills there.

Problem for me is that I feel crowded by her. She involves herself in my work without invitation.

Examples:

1. I mentioned I was working on a task that may require videography. Within 30mins, she emailed the whole team saying Heeeey teeeeam, I have just connected with VideoGuy and @CoWorker I have told him you will call him. In fact, I had just arranged videography so her "help" was just something else to deal with.
2. We hotdesk. I arrive at the office and she insists I sit by her. Or if I'm there first, she makes a point of trying to rearrange everyone so she's next to me. Yet if I'm away from my desk for any length of time, meetings for example, I come back to find she's persuaded someone else to sit where I was.
3. If a request comes to the team that requires my input, she'll answer on my behalf - "Thanks for getting in touch, @CoWorker can you deal with this please. I have twice told her that it's ok, I'll deal with it and not to answer on my behalf but this has made no difference.
4. During a chat, I told her that I'd found a cute cafe near the office where I ate breakfast once a week. Within an HOUR, she had emailed everyone inviting them to "her cafe". Now she does it daily.

I could give many more examples. In isolation, they are trivial but it's multiple incidents each day and I find myself feeling crowded, undermined, disrespected, almost as though her focus is to show me up.

The other thing she does is exclude me from meetings and e-chains that I need to be across, whenever she has the opportunity. I did raise this with our boss and she was pulled up on it. It has improved slightly but I feel like she is still hellbent on undermining me.

I have no idea why. we are both new and we're meant to be a team. What the hell do I do? I don't see her doing this to anyone else. I see her being very bossy and talking at length about herself - "I'm a very curious person" "I love dealing with problems, I'm really great at solving things" that sort of thing, bigging herself up, and undoubtedly that has been noticed but I don't see her trying to trip up other colleagues and the incidents are so silly that I feel that if I said something it would reflect poorly on me.

Don’t doubt yourself, just thank her for leaving a paper trail of her fuckery. I’d absolutely have pulled her up over that.

Thanks @ohdamnitjanet that really helps

She sounds absolutely nuts!

Don’t doubt yourself. She doesn’t doubt herself, so don’t give her the edge on that score.

People like this do sometimes get on in workplaces sadly.

so, you need to be really firm with her and just keep being brilliant at your job.

Stay focussed on avoiding personal chit chat over lunch. You are doing great

It seems that she's trying to be indispensable. You picked her up on the meeting change, most people would have apologised but she responded with a Wow! It's very odd behaviour. However you do have a plan, the record of micro aggressions maybe useful in the future. Keep calm and challenge her actions when they are impeding the bottom line, which is of course the effectiveness of the team. It's where her manager needs to get involved and take some action. Still she's fixed term, so there's hope!

Thanks all for the pep talking, it has really helped. Onwards!!!

She sounds exhausting!

With the changing meeting times thing, I’d be tempted to message everyone involved and say ‘OfficeMicromanager changed the meeting time and I wanted to check whether she missed telling anyone else, and wanted to check if everyone can still make this new time?’
It will flag up what she’s doing to everyone and if it will become apparent if it is always just you that’s excluded.

No she probably doesn’t as she’s used to people saying nothing for a quiet life. Oh and she also then hopes to play on your mind that you’ve been unreasonable.

rest assured she will be irking others as well which probably won’t come out until something blows up
or she leaves .

I would reply to that message with "well luckily it isn't, as I'm free, so that's fine - but obviously it would have been a bit embarrassing for you to have reorganise everyone else again if the new time didn't work for me!"

I answered saying, "Always good to be clear on comms - especially as we're comms professionals haha"

People like this are usually very insecure cowards and that’s why they attempt to dominate… they do not respect mild manners and see it as weakness. Take a no nonsense tone and approach with her when speaking in person… tone of voice is not to be underestimated - conveys perhaps even more meaning than words alone… this individual needs to have it made clear to her you are not an easy target. Whilst remaining polite and professional, of course.

You need to begin shutting the doors she has been infringing.
Examples:

A brisk, ”I won’t be able to sit at adjoining desks anymore, I need concentrate and push on with projects.”

”Please do not change times and locations of meetings without notice, it’s unprofessional.”

A firm “Please, do not take over my work space during short meetings when you are aware I’m intending to return, this causes loss of time for me when I have projects to complete.”

Back it up by a bright and breezy email request each time, doesn’t need to be to the whole team.

Workplace predators love the scent of prey, stand your ground and do not give her that scent.

I’m talking in animalistic terms because that’s the level of psychology they operate on… although this comparison is actually an insult to many animals.

I KNEW it was comms!

Comms controller, one of the worst kinds of crazy comms people. She's bought into this idea that comms is the nerve centre of the whole organisation so very much sees it as her role to be the nerve centre of the whole team. Within three weeks she'll be muttering about 'seats at the table', in six she'll be telling the business how to run itself...

If your business has values, I have found that doing some team-work around them can help in that situation because comms controller is keen to be seen as being 'bought in'. You could maybe suggest a session to your manager around 'how our values show up in our team' and actively include some of the stunts she's pulled as a negative. Eg "teamwork means we're there for support when we're asked, but we also allow each other the time and space to figure things out."

When logging things, I would frame some of these acts as attempted impediments to you carrying out your professional duties.

To begin with, at least.

I doubt it would carry on with all the suggested measures you will be employing, I would personally save the big gun word of bullying for later, only if it becomes necessary.
If you are being lined up for promotion, you want to demonstrate that you can handle yourself, as it were.

Of course, if it continues, it will be become obvious that it’s actual bullying.

You sound extremely capable OP, and it’s very possible to nip this in the bud and get her off your personal case, at least.

My main anxiety was that it seemed to be directed at me but maybe it's others too? Argh. She doesn't have a permanent role, just fixed-term, whereas mine is permanent.

@CoWorkerAggravation That's the reason Right there. She wants to become so indispensable that they keep her on after her fixed term ends - and she's gunning for your job, by the sounds of it. Stop helping her and stop worrying about her and as you suggested, keep calm and stay firm when she acts out

If someone changed the time or location of one of my meetings, I would turn up at the time I set, and ask why everyone wasn't there. Anyone attending should surely check with the meeting organiser before agreeing to a different time.

I've had this, did as above, it never happened again.

This is such a fascinating read, what a wally! Everyone will see through her but you have to deal with her day to day. I get it.

You must respond to her unprofessional conduct each and every time.

Good luck!

Don't let her "help" be something else for you to deal with. Push back. So on the videographer example, "hi micromanager. Not sure why you connected me to Videoguy. I'm dealing with video project and it's all in hand. Please thank Videoguy but let him know I don't need him on this occasion."

She sounds very insecure and maybe envious of how you've settled into your role and how capable you seem. She's both trying to get in your good books but also take any opportunity to make herself look good even if it's at your expense. I'd give her as wide a berth as you can and just keep calling things out professionally as they come up and if it keeps going then go to your manage. Team dynamics are their responsibility too.

All the advice has been great so far. I literally would not give this individual an inch. She is going to attempt to plough through everyone to get what she wants and is going to make plenty of enemies along the way. Keep your distance, stay professional and courteous and I wouldn’t use the word bullying either. You can say she is being disruptive or trying to take ownership of your work but the ‘B’ word should only be really wheeled out when it’s overwhelming. I think she has the potential to be a bully and she currently thinks she is flying under the radar but it’s up to you how you being this to managements attention. She sounds horrid but grit your teeth and she won’t be there for too long if she continues as is.

She sounds like an total narcissistical nightmare! Unfortunately people like this are very calculating and clever at making themselves into the 'good guy' and making themselves into the victim if you tackle them or won't do as they say.

Sounds like she wants to be the Queen Bee and wants everyone around her to think shes the best at the job.

Sounds like she is very needy. You see her behaviour as undermining but im wondering if she is being overly helpful to be liked better? Inviting you all to the cafe as a team it appears she wants to build a strong connection of friends, which it sounds like she may either lack elsewhere in her life or has worked in other places where the boundaries between work and pleasure are not clear (like a company culture where everyone goes for a drink at the pub at lunch together, or they go afterwork for drinks).

It doesn't sound like she's being sneaky or vindictive - just a pushy try hard.

I'd deal with it by understanding that's her motivation and trying to just be less annoyed by it in general. I would be firm on the email thing though and tell her its starting to get irritating. If she is desperate for people to like her then she will most likely react like "Oh my gosh im soooo sorry, im sorry I didn't mean to" and then it will start to improve massively because shes worrying shes pissing you off and making herself less likeable.

Sounds very much like someone I used to work with.

It's definitely rooted in insecurity. I would say as little to her as you can get away with and continue to call out any bullshit, with getting voice-raisy. She'd love nothing more than for you to "lose control" so she could make a drama out of it.

Hopefully she'll irritate everyone and her fixed term will indeed expire.

@CoWorkerAggravation I mentioned I was working on a task that may require videography. Within 30mins, she emailed the whole team saying Heeeey teeeeam, I have just connected with VideoGuy and @CoWorker I have told him you will call him. In fact, I had just arranged videography so her "help" was just something else to deal with.

Situations like this I would hit reply all and say 'I'm on top of this already. I'm not sure why you contacted @videoguy as it isn't your remit. You'll have to go back to him and apologise for wasting his time'.

I certainly wouldn't take it as my task to resolve

Thanks @pantypant I did pretty much that. Hit "reply all" with Thanks but this is already in hand. Apologies videographer for any confusion.

I contacted "the people team" to ask advice on managing a challenging relationship and they emailed me a link to making a formal complaint plus some mental health resources. Not quite what I was after.

However, I have now opened a log of the incidents and will see how things go. No issues since dick meeting move Monday. Let's see if she is capable of learning from mistakes