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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed with a partner for helping a friend

51 replies

KY05 · 30/09/2023 21:48

Hi, I’m pretty sure I’m being unreasonable but I just wanted to get an idea of other people’s perspectives.

I’ve got a close single friend who lives nearby. Today she phoned me in tears as her car, which she had recently bought, broke down near her home. Car was on a quiet rd, asked her if she had breakdown assistance (which she did) told her to ring them and they’d be able to help.

my partner asked me if he should go and help. I said I thought she was okay but he could if he wanted to. Phoned her and she said she would like him to help. She messaged to say he’d been a great help-helped to get the car into a more secure position, calmed her down etc. Whilst waiting for breakdown they went to the pub for food/her a drink. Then he drove her to the garage that the car was towed to.
Meanwhile, I was at home with our two young children. My baby had a screaming fit and couldn’t be calmed down. I ended up walking round with him for an hour which didn’t do a prolapse (from giving birth) any good and I could feel it. My toddler also started screaming and crying at various points. He phoned (after being gone for 2 hours at this point) and was talking about inviting the friend to ours for a roast dinner. I was pretty short with him on the phone. I then phoned him back 20 mins later asking him to get home as quickly as possible. When he got home I handed him the baby and had a cry in the bedroom. I’ve been pretty quiet all day since and can’t shake a feeling of resentment for my partner. I know he wasn’t to know the events that would unfold but it felt like he was out playing the hero (unnecessarily) whilst I was stuck at home with the kids. My friend letting me know how great he was only annoyed me further. I think I might be feeling a bit jealous too that he was out helping another woman! Am I being a complete A hole?

OP posts:
UncleHerbie · 30/09/2023 21:52

Your partner should’ve returned after he got your friend’s car in a safer position. Going to the pub was unnecessary. I’d be pissed off too. I hope your more comfortable now

IKnowAPlace · 30/09/2023 21:52

It sounds like you have a partner who's a pretty helpful person. I'm sorry about the hard time you had when he was out. I'm sure it's really tough right now with a newborn and toddler so not surprised this has left you feeling a bit resentful.

Unless there's something more to this, please just be gentle with yourself and try not to let it bother you.

Ragwort · 30/09/2023 21:53

I appreciate things are really tough for you now but it sounds as though your DP did a really decent thing and went out to help your friend. I hope he is now letting you rest & he can take responsibility for the DC.

LolaSmiles · 30/09/2023 21:57

It's fine to have felt a bit low on energy and fed up when DC have been a handful.

I don't think it's ok to be quiet and stewing since as that sounds fairly close to giving the silent treatment.

He went to help a friend, stayed with her until breakdown recovery arrived and then took her to the garage where the car was. I can't help but wonder if part of this is that they went to a nearby pub whilst they waited instead of sitting on the side of the road.

Pippa12 · 30/09/2023 21:57

It can feel so overwhelming both children crying and only natural to be frustrated when your ‘help’ is ‘helping’ somebody else. I think I’d be frustrated too. I wouldn’t begrudge the moving of the car, but wonder if going to the pub is entirely necessary. Perhaps he thought you’d be cross if he didn’t help your friend in need?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 22:04

KY05 · 30/09/2023 21:48

Hi, I’m pretty sure I’m being unreasonable but I just wanted to get an idea of other people’s perspectives.

I’ve got a close single friend who lives nearby. Today she phoned me in tears as her car, which she had recently bought, broke down near her home. Car was on a quiet rd, asked her if she had breakdown assistance (which she did) told her to ring them and they’d be able to help.

my partner asked me if he should go and help. I said I thought she was okay but he could if he wanted to. Phoned her and she said she would like him to help. She messaged to say he’d been a great help-helped to get the car into a more secure position, calmed her down etc. Whilst waiting for breakdown they went to the pub for food/her a drink. Then he drove her to the garage that the car was towed to.
Meanwhile, I was at home with our two young children. My baby had a screaming fit and couldn’t be calmed down. I ended up walking round with him for an hour which didn’t do a prolapse (from giving birth) any good and I could feel it. My toddler also started screaming and crying at various points. He phoned (after being gone for 2 hours at this point) and was talking about inviting the friend to ours for a roast dinner. I was pretty short with him on the phone. I then phoned him back 20 mins later asking him to get home as quickly as possible. When he got home I handed him the baby and had a cry in the bedroom. I’ve been pretty quiet all day since and can’t shake a feeling of resentment for my partner. I know he wasn’t to know the events that would unfold but it felt like he was out playing the hero (unnecessarily) whilst I was stuck at home with the kids. My friend letting me know how great he was only annoyed me further. I think I might be feeling a bit jealous too that he was out helping another woman! Am I being a complete A hole?

Yanbu to feel stressed and overwhelmed Yabu to feel jealous of your friend who is single and doesn't have a nice reliable partner to help her with things like that

Original poster
KY05 · 30/09/2023 22:05

Thanks for the replies guys. I know I should let it go but being completely honest I still feel resentful.
I’m on maternity leave at the moment so home with the kids all the time. Partner works long hours.
I think it’s just that sometimes it doesn’t feel like he is that quick to help me out and he got praised heaped on him and got to go to the pub. Think he could have come home a lot earlier but it was nicer out being a hero/being at the pub rather than helping out with the kids. He doesn’t particularly like my friend either and often gets the hump when I’m out with her so think that’s bugging me too. I know it’s not the end of the world and he hasn’t been horrible or anything. I’m sure after a good sleep I’ll feel better tomorrow.

OP posts:
Freezingcoldinseptember · 30/09/2023 22:06

Seems he went a bit over and above...

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 22:07

Ps my baby's father left me while I was pregnant. Every single time he gets any type of praise (at least he comes to visit baby! At least he's going to be part of his life') or he tells me about how he's been telling friends stories about what baby did when he saw him I get massively triggered and fuming that he is getting any sort of credit ot thanks when no one tells me thank you or well done for doing it 24/7 alone

Original poster
KY05 · 30/09/2023 22:11

Her flat is about a minute away from where the car was (a lot closer than the pub). Think you’re right though, I was probably jealous of them being in the pub. I would only have loved to have been there but instead I was home with our kids. Just felt he was in no rush home and friend didn’t really need that level of help. He’s not too quick to ferry me to garages when I’m getting an MOT on my car! The garage is walking distance from her.

OP posts:
Millybob · 30/09/2023 22:20

I think your friend was angling for him to offer support. Who on earth phones in tears over an annoying but easily sorted problem when she's close to home anyway, and has breakdown assistance?
Has she pulled this sort of stunt before?
I'd tell her that you're pissed with her. And that she's not to pull her damsel in distress performance again.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 30/09/2023 22:21

There is a warning about in plain sight op... Is she really a friend?

Sigmama · 30/09/2023 22:23

I'm sorry your friend is a bit if a dick, she needs to learn to deal with her in dramas, your dh was unreasonable given the age of your kids

wp65 · 30/09/2023 22:25

KY05 · 30/09/2023 22:11

Her flat is about a minute away from where the car was (a lot closer than the pub). Think you’re right though, I was probably jealous of them being in the pub. I would only have loved to have been there but instead I was home with our kids. Just felt he was in no rush home and friend didn’t really need that level of help. He’s not too quick to ferry me to garages when I’m getting an MOT on my car! The garage is walking distance from her.

Given all of this, I think your partner was being massively unreasonable. He wasn't being very fucking helpful towards you, was he?

Original poster
KY05 · 30/09/2023 22:25

I think what you’ve said is a big part of the resentment. I’m also annoyed with her! She didn’t need help. Her car was grand. All she needed to do was call the AA. It was all very dramatic for no real reason. Meanwhile I’m at home actually needing some help!

OP posts:
Original poster
KY05 · 30/09/2023 22:27

What do you mean? Are you hinting at an ulterior motive on her part?

OP posts:
Original poster
KY05 · 30/09/2023 22:30

She’s not done this before but is a bit dramatic. She once had a full meltdown because she lost her cigarettes!! Tbf we had been drinking!

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 30/09/2023 22:35

She sounds like a drama queen!

Original poster
KY05 · 30/09/2023 22:41

She is! But I do love her to bits and she has lots of great qualities. I feel like I might be a bit of a drama queen myself at the moment but I can’t shake feeling pissed off. My prolapse still feeling uncomfortable isn’t helping.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 30/09/2023 22:44

Maybe car troubles really stress her out. I get like that with some things. I mean, I don’t call anyone but I do get stressed.

CakeInAJar · 30/09/2023 22:49

I think that was really nice of him actually

CherryMaDeara · 30/09/2023 22:50

She’s a drama llama. She just needed to wait for the breakdown service.

Next time don’t tell DH when she has another drama.

HundredMilesAnHour · 30/09/2023 22:53

Your partner sounds lovely. It was nice of him to help your friend. And you sound like you're being a bit nasty towards your friend for some reason. Do you really resent her that much because your partner helped her out so he wasn't at your beck and call for a couple of hours? Have you any idea what it's like to be a single woman when something goes wrong with your car? Garages and even recovery men (as it's inevitably men) can be rude, dismissive and generally patronising sexist twerps. It's sad that it makes a difference to have a man present but it often does. He helped her and didn't have a miserable time doing it so now you've got the hump with her?! Seriously behave yourself, you're making a drama out of what was a good turn.

Tangelablue · 30/09/2023 22:55

"He doesn’t particularly like my friend either and often gets the hump when I’m out with her so think that’s bugging me too."

I think he does like your friend and probably gets the hump because you are out with her instead of him being out with her.
I have noticed a lot of men will find any reason to be out of the house when their children are very young. For mums tho it can feel like you are being held against your will. No time to shower and put clean clothes on let alone going anywhere enjoyable. I don't blame you for being annoyed.

Original poster
KY05 · 30/09/2023 23:07

I wouldn’t call helping to look after his own kids at my beck and call!

OP posts: