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AIBU?

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Original poster

Annoyed with a partner for helping a friend

51 replies

KY05 · 30/09/2023 21:48

Hi, I’m pretty sure I’m being unreasonable but I just wanted to get an idea of other people’s perspectives.

I’ve got a close single friend who lives nearby. Today she phoned me in tears as her car, which she had recently bought, broke down near her home. Car was on a quiet rd, asked her if she had breakdown assistance (which she did) told her to ring them and they’d be able to help.

my partner asked me if he should go and help. I said I thought she was okay but he could if he wanted to. Phoned her and she said she would like him to help. She messaged to say he’d been a great help-helped to get the car into a more secure position, calmed her down etc. Whilst waiting for breakdown they went to the pub for food/her a drink. Then he drove her to the garage that the car was towed to.
Meanwhile, I was at home with our two young children. My baby had a screaming fit and couldn’t be calmed down. I ended up walking round with him for an hour which didn’t do a prolapse (from giving birth) any good and I could feel it. My toddler also started screaming and crying at various points. He phoned (after being gone for 2 hours at this point) and was talking about inviting the friend to ours for a roast dinner. I was pretty short with him on the phone. I then phoned him back 20 mins later asking him to get home as quickly as possible. When he got home I handed him the baby and had a cry in the bedroom. I’ve been pretty quiet all day since and can’t shake a feeling of resentment for my partner. I know he wasn’t to know the events that would unfold but it felt like he was out playing the hero (unnecessarily) whilst I was stuck at home with the kids. My friend letting me know how great he was only annoyed me further. I think I might be feeling a bit jealous too that he was out helping another woman! Am I being a complete A hole?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 30/09/2023 23:15

Her flat is about a minute away from where the car was (a lot closer than the pub). Think you’re right though, I was probably jealous of them being in the pub.
With that bit of information and the fact she has form for being a drama llama, I change my mind and can see why you'd be bothered.

At first I thought you were understandably tired and because of that were being a bit unreasonable that he's helped a friend out and they went to the pub instead of sitting by the road.

Given how close the pub and her house was, it looks like he found a convenient excuse to get out the house for a bit longer than he needed to.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 30/09/2023 23:22

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 22:04

Yanbu to feel stressed and overwhelmed Yabu to feel jealous of your friend who is single and doesn't have a nice reliable partner to help her with things like that

Show quote history

That's what breakdown services are for.

KookyAndSpooky · 30/09/2023 23:22

You should have just said 'no' when your DH asked if he should go...

Consider it a lesson learnt. Next time prioritise your young family over friends. Your DH obviously fancied having a pub lunch over coming home to small children!

ImNotReallySpartacus · 30/09/2023 23:26

Unfortunately you seem to have got yourself one of those men who will put themselves out for anyone except their own wife and children.

KookyAndSpooky · 30/09/2023 23:28

Also, I imagine your DH gets the hump when you see your friend because he is left alone with the kids. Just a guess 😆. If so, he's a CF.

Vinrouge4 · 30/09/2023 23:33

CherryMaDeara · 30/09/2023 22:50

She’s a drama llama. She just needed to wait for the breakdown service.

Next time don’t tell DH when she has another drama.

This.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 23:37

@ShagratandGorbag4ever you're right actually I am single and use breakdown services never friends (or their husbands!) in situations like this!

truthhurts23 · 30/09/2023 23:48

He doesn’t particularly like my friend either and often gets the hump when I’m out with her

he does like her or he wouldn't have so eagerly offered to go and help her and spend extra time with her in the pub

i do think your friend was hinting for him to come and help her too, playing damsel

my ex used to do this with one of my friends it was nauseating,
she would make a small comment about having a headache and he would run to the shops to buy paracetamol,
he was so over friendly and accommodating, but only when it was her, not with other friends
men in general only help others when it benefits them in some way
if your friend was ugly and fat do you think he would have done this? not a chance

NewName122 · 01/10/2023 01:05

Something smells off.

NewName122 · 01/10/2023 01:07

She broke down 1 minute from her house then went to lunch with your partner? Does that not ring alarm bells to you. I'd be thinking wtf.

theduchessofspork · 01/10/2023 01:13

I think you’re being a little bit of an a hole, but your partner was also pushing it a bit.

It was nice he went to help, but he shouldn’t have got into having lunch never mind asking her for dinner. It was probably just a nice opportunity to escape the baby routine, which we all like to grab now and then.

You are just tired so try not to take it to heart and put it behind you.

theduchessofspork · 01/10/2023 01:16

KY05 · 30/09/2023 22:27

What do you mean? Are you hinting at an ulterior motive on her part?

Unless there is any other evidence, ignore the posters suggesting your partner and friend are up to no good. There is a significant chunk of MN that is absolutely paranoid if a married man utters two words to a woman not his wife.

Honestly put it behind you.

Natalya123 · 01/10/2023 01:20

Yes, definitely an affair. Car was probably parked on her drive all along.

Tinkerbyebye · 01/10/2023 01:21

Put yourself in your friends shoes, if that happened to you and someone offered help I am sure you would take up the offer

you are tired after the baby etc but you need to get some perspective

Thementalloadisreal · 01/10/2023 01:38

It crossed a line from “being helpful out of duty to wife’s friend / being a helpful guy in general” to “having a nice time with wife’s friend” when they finished with the car and went to the pub. That’s the issue really. Up to that point, all good, but you’re not being unreasonable to feel that once the car was sorted he should have come back home. Seems like it was just a good excuse to pop to the pub, which just took the good deed that one step too far.

14blackcrows · 01/10/2023 01:57

He may have been playing the hero but you have also been playing the martyr.
Instead of saying 'you can if you want' you should have said 'please could you not because I'm tired and I need help with the baby'
You need to communicate like an adult not just resent someone for not realising how you felt.
He didn't really need to help your friend, I mean it was a kind thing to do but she would've been OK without that help.. so you could have easily said 'I'd prefer if you didnt' you just didn't want to have to feel guilty so have just made him completely the bad guy in your mind.
Next time just express yourself and your needs properly. If he doesn't meet them then you can be angry with him... but on this occasion its not really his fault is it

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/10/2023 01:57

One of them is after a bit extra.....wouldnt like to say which one but on the balance of probabilities I would guess your husband.

Time to have a "cards on the table" chat with both of them about what is acceptable.

rubydoobydoo · 01/10/2023 02:06

You're being a little but unreasonable, but it's perfectly understandable!

You were having a really bad day, your partner didn't know how bad a day when he was helping your friend so not really his fault but I get why you're pissed off with him!

Hollydays · 01/10/2023 02:30

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I'd be really annoyed if my partner had gone out to help my friend get a car sorted and they'd gone to the pub without me when I'm stick at home with little ones.

FloweryName · 01/10/2023 02:40

That would piss me off too OP.

Its great fun being helpful when you get to play the hero in someone else’s mildly troubled moment, especially when that help involves waiting in the pub.

It’s not so much fun being helpful when you’re only living up to your own responsibility, you have to do it every day and you get no credit for it.

Being genuinely helpful in this situation would mean ensuring the car was in a better position, the friend was safe, and then going home to look after the baby.

beAsensible1 · 01/10/2023 02:43

Sometimes car stuff can be overwhelming and send you into a flap and breakdown cover takes ages.

i think you’re being a bit unfair to them both but the best solution would’ve been to call and ask him to come home asap as soon as you felt overwhelmed rather than stewing on it.

if you’ve had a prolapse you shouldn’t encourage him to go out anywhere can he not take some time off to give you a bit of a rest?

SunRainStorm · 01/10/2023 02:44

I don't understand why your friend didn't just call breakdown assistance and then walk back to her home?

I'm not sure there was a crisis to be solved at all.

I'd be annoyed at the friend, not the husband.

And to be fair you could have intervened when she called and said 'calm down Sally, call breakdown, walk home and have a glass of wine' rather than offer your husband go over.

beAsensible1 · 01/10/2023 02:46

was Friend actually 1 minute from home with the car? Going to the pub would be even further no?

1FootInTheRave · 01/10/2023 05:13

Friend was 1 minute from home and has breakdown cover.

She didn't need helping, she rang so your partner would go.

Then they basically went on a date.

HelpNeededBeforeIHaveABreakdown · 01/10/2023 05:46

If she is so grateful she will be happy to babysit while you and your partner go for a pub lunch!