Am I too relaxed or is this teaching independence

[ItsjustaWee]

DS is 5 (just this month)

I am letting him do a lot more by himself at home eg, toilet, getting himself a drink without asking me. My opinion is he is old enough to go to school he has to be able to do things for himself.

this started a bit of a debate tonight. DH was getting baby to sleep. I was settling DS5. I let home go to the loo by himself. DH insisted I should be ‘chaperoning’ DS to make sure he turned the light out, washed hands etc. I said he should know to do that and I trust him to, how else will he learn? Yes he might make a mess with the water or forget the light, but that him learning and I don’t mind cleaning up and telling him next time “be more careful of the water when you go”

DH called this a cop out.

AIBU to think I shouldn’t have to hover over a 5yo in his own home?

I agree with you, op.

Yanbu

My three year old takes themselves to the toilet 😅

Does your husband think a teacher takes every kid to the toilet to supervise?

Apologies for all the typos! Serves me right for writing in a rush haha

It depends on the thing.

Toilet: he should be able to go, but I’d be there in the background, spying, to see he actually used soap to wash his hands and tell him to pick the towel up off the floor.

Toothbrushing: I’d do it

Getting pajamas on: independent, no need to hover.

Getting water for himself: no need to hover after you’ve seen him do it properly a couple of times.

Depends, really. At school they’re doing this all alone. Just maybe not entirely well.

Sounds like because your DH was doing something he wanted you to be doing something too and not relaxing.

yes I agree, certain things.

for example with tooth brushing I let him do it himself at first and when he’s done I “check the edges” (ie. Do it again properly)

If they can then yes.

though I doubt he’s doing all the parts of going to the loo properly, especially the hand washing.

the ‘leave them to it’ to learn approach only works when the consequences are directly bad for them.

My son could do all of those things himself by the time he turned 4 as we had a new baby. Part of the prep was making sure he could do some things independently.
Loo, getting dressed, shoes, coat, get a snack, get self into car seat, morning teeth brushing (electric brush, adult does good brush before bed).
Your husband is delusional

All mine were doing all the basic things for themselves at that age. My youngest is 5 and just shouts for me when she’s had a poo for me to sort her but having a wee is perfectly normal for her to do by herself.

Ah no YANBU. My 3-4 year old was happily doing it himself. Worth sticking your head in at times to make sure they’re on the right track, but absolutely no need to hover over them like a mother hen

Sorry but I think it would be bonkers to follow a 5 year old to the toilet!! You what now? 2, maybe. But 5?!? They're at school!!

I agree with this.

If he can already do these things, then you don’t need to supervise. But if he still needs support, then you both should still be checking in on him

You may still need to ask a 5 year old if they have washed their hands with soap and turned off the tap etc.

I agree with this.

My ex hated it if he was busy and I wasn't

My 5 year old makes her own toast with the grill (with an adult generally in the room but not helping). A 5 year old can definitely get their own drink and she the toilet by themselves. I usually shout "have you washing your hands" when I hear her use the loo but she's fine and usually has. Her 8 year old sister though I wouldn't trust to make toast and definitely needs telling to wash her hands. So it is kid dependent but If your 5 year old seems to be getting on with it fine then they don't need help and YANBU

I would hover if he said he was going for a poo but it was only a wee!

and we have a thing in our house where we say “smell my hands” after we washed them to smell the soap so I know he does wash them well !

And our house isn’t exactly a mansion so I can’t hear if he hasn’t flushed or washed his hands anyway!

And obviously it’s different if you are somewhere unfamiliar/a public loo etc… but this is home, he knows the drill

I think you're doing it right. I know someone who escorts their nearly 9 year old to the loo ffs, its ridiculous!

Of course it’s fine and good for independence

just do spot checks on the hand washing (or spit check the smell of soap) and teeth as you say.

Your DH is just annoyed to have got the tougher gig is what it sounds like

I'm with you OP. DS is nearly 5 and he would hate it if I followed him into the loo.

*I CAN hear re previous post

I leave my 8yo, but not the 6yo (additional needs). He can't wipe his own bottom. I do often check that they wash their hands.

I agree with some stuff about your DH's views on this.

I also think there is a lot to be said for DS feeling like we trust him

yes he might get things wrong but expecting him to struggle with something simple feels akin to setting him up for failure/feeling unsupported

We used to leave the landing light on so DS could go for a wee in the night without waking us from about 3. Also would fetch himself a snack and put the tv on of a morning to save us having to get up early at the same age. Clearly very neglectful 🤣