Reluctant to take pain relief - help me understand

[Womanofmanycoats]

Am I being unreasonable to expect someone to take or even try painkillers ( paracetamol or Ibuprofen) if severe joint pain ( arthritis)is distressing them to point they struggle to walk, are almost in tears and family activities have to be planned ( aka completely limited) around their lack of mobility?
Important to note the reason they don’t take painkillers is because they ‘don’t like idea of them’ and ‘I just never have’ ( not due to previous side effect or concerns re long term impact). Their Gp recommends pain relief and exercise.

I would highlight I do not want to leave anyone out if their mobility restricts them- I have other elderly relatives who have restricted mobility and am happy to limit activities for them. Push them in wheelchair, have them lean on me heavily etc. I myself have chronic pain/ health issues so in some incidents, I will encourage my partner and others to go ahead and enjoy the activity - I will sit close to the car ( I bring a book and reassure the family party I don’t mind missing out - even if that’s not true)
Maybe that sounds hypocritical- but difference is I sit out to try not to restrict others. In cases I can’t sit out I take painkillers to try and negate impact of pain- negate impact on others
As let’s be honest- if other people see you in pain, sweaty pale of course it’s concerning for them

Maybe I am being judgmental as I am more sympathetic /more motivated to limit family activities if the person themselves have tried to help themselves (in my eyes via pain relief)

I just don’t understand- can anyone who is adverse to painkillers please explain their point of view?
I understand pain is a symptom so sometimes it’s a warning sign you should listen to. But equally if everyone with arthritis declined pain relief and avoided movement as a means of management- surely that’s worse for your overall health?

I appreciate I am biased - as painkillers are quite normalised for me. I would have passed out from pain every month for over a decade - so relied on painkillers to help me get through the day

Also to note - I don’t expect someone adverse to painkillers to take them regularly but what would be harm in taking two prior to even the bigger special family day?

Can someone help me understand this family members position ? I want to be empathetic but just don’t get it

Also so I am not drip feeding I know pain relief if not a solution. I try to support the person - take to appointments, encourage their physio, became their carer after an operation while they rehabilitated.

After major surgery, the nurse told me to take as much painkiller as I was allowed. She said if I am in pain, my body is using up energy dealing with the pain rather than healing. I had never thought of it that way, but it made so much sense.

Stronger painkillers are not always addictive, i have naproxen, zapain and tramadol all on repeat prescription and only take them when i really need them and depending on the type of pain i choose the appropriate one. I have several chronic conditions that cause pain and only use the pain killers as needed. Have only a small amount of each prescribed and use them sparingly

Interesting - I am one who hardly ever takes painkillers.

I currently have an infected bite on my leg which is swollen and quite painful. Minor injuries have given me the required antibiotic and asked if I was taking painkillers. I haven't been as it hadn't actually occurred to me to do so. I still haven't although I was told to "if necessary".

I read the first post and wondered why I don't. The only reason I can come up with is that I had bad migraines when I was younger and paracetamol was completely ineffective. I think I learned from that that taking painkillers was a waste of time and that attitude is now deeply entrenched.

Thanks for your insight
I would never suggest anyone to have medication to make my life easier if it has impact on their health.
I have previously been a carer for someone with dementia and had limited mobility. As I tried to emphasis in my first post - I was looking for insight to help me widen my perspective ( whilst I acknowledge I vented my frustration) not for solutions to change the situation

I thought I had highlighted family member has never had any I’ll side effects from pain relief ( they have said this) and also their own GP is recommending they use pain relief- as current levels of inactivity/ avoiding movement is not conducive to promoting overall health
So I think it’s a bit different

Although maybe the wider point is I shouldn’t try to understand it and just accept it.
Just difficult listening to them complaint every day about pain limiting their life and not knowing what to do

I also have arthritis and I don’t want to be reliant on painkillers or anti-inflammatory medicine as it messes up my bowels i stead. The difference though is that I do pilates and fast instead. It’s the only healthy way I have found that has kept the worse of the pain at bay. If I do get a flare up I get acupuncture and it clears the worse of it within a week or two.

I just want to say thank you to all replies

I have re- read my post and realise my AIBU question sounds harsh. But really I was wondering if my confusion/ frustration was completely unjustified.
Like I said in my first post I want to understand so I am more empathic ( for me personally). I don’t expect family member to change - I just didn’t want frustration to eat me

I probably did feel defensive when posters suggested I wanted my family member to take pain relief to make my life easier
If I wanted my life to be easier I wouldn’t do their groceries, take them to appointments, bulk cook meals and clean.
Actually that’s not the hard part - if I wanted my life to be easier I would not research and limit DC’s Sunday activities/ holiday excursions to more car friendly outings only.

It’s complicated - I was a carer for my aunt with dementia for 5 years ( absolute privilege Even though I was near breakdown) and my life (and dc’s lives to a degree) revolved around her. I did not find that as difficult ( even though again mobility was very limited) as I could find solutions she was content with albeit for all of two minutes.

I suppose ultimately I have to accept that the family member hates being in house, want to get out, wants to socialise, see thing but struggles to walk and there is nothing I can do

I probably need to set myself more boundaries. Ie when family member complains re pain - remind myself it’s out of my control. And plan more days out with weans where we can walk at ok speed and I don’t constantly check family members face or worry about their pain.
genuinely just be a bit more selfish

like I said family member is lonely and I want to help, but I want to ensure I never resent them

@Snoken great to hear you have found ways to manage the pain
Thanks for sharing
i think I need to stop being solution focused when it comes to my perspective / feelings
( Although I must look into acupuncture for myself and save up)

it isn't unjustified to ask, but your op did come across a bit.. i do it, so why won't she?

As you've seen, the 'why' of it really varies from person to person.

Yes being in pain is exhausting, i think all of us know that taking the painkillers does make life easier in the short term, for ourselves and the people who want us to enjoy life to the full.

However, its the long term impacts you have to think of. The side effects of the meds and the impact they have on our bodies.

That regular use of them means we adjust/adapt to the meds, and one of two things happen.. either we get used to the meds so they're less effective as a whole and we have to take more/stronger doses, or we get used to not being in pain, which in turn makes coping with that pain should we have to stop those meds harder.

I've only become leery about regular OTC painkiller use since i had to start the neuro pain relief to function.. they're powerful enough, and i have to accept pain is part of my life.. i'd rather slow down and save the OTC for when i NEED them, rather than take them regularly to try and be normal.. i'm disabled, normal isn't going to ever be a thing again.

My family pushing 'just take some pain relief so we can go do the thing you can't do without them' isn't them accepting or understanding my limitations, its them trying to ignore my disability and pretend i'm something i'm not. (to me it is anyway)

I am disabled and suffer from chronic pain. I have been down the painkiller road. It starts seeming fairly insignificant on small doses, but you build up a tolerance to any drug and have to take more and more to achieve the same effect. Before you know it you're on the maximum allowed dose and it's not doing anything for the pain anymore, and then you can face months of slowly reducing the dose to wean yourself off it. Then you're back where you started, except possibly worse if you've overdone it while under the effects of the painkillers. I've been through sudden codeine withdrawal (it's nasty), and I've been through losing myself to permanent partial sedation from tramadol (DH said if I'd stayed on it he didn't think our marriage could have survived). I now don't take painkillers. It's one thing taking an occasional painkiller for an intermittent problem, but when you get to having to take a daily maintenance dose for a chronic condition it's the road to disaster.

Would your relative use a wheelchair on an outing if she won’t take painkillers for joint pain and can’t walk far? I know a lot of older people won’t use any sort of mobility aid, but it may be worth suggesting it to her.

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine well this thread has developed my insight - ( not in relatives perspective/ possible logic although that was maybe an impossible mission)
Rather I am realising I must do more research as I have been naive (desperate) and completely trusting of doctors who recommend long term pain relief
I know stronger medication comes with complications ( my own stomach knows🙈) but really had under- estimated potency of OC pain relief ie paracetamol used perhaps twice a month. Perhaps family member is worried if they use pain relief, fortnightly monthly or even annually ( eg for a wedding) it will become less effective
When Family member GP recommended they use paracetamol and try to have some movement ( to promote health) I just completely took that at face value!

Life can be so busy - I just got frustrated at putting in so much effort but family member not enjoying day out they requested. I fixatated on wanting to make family member happy , not understanding why they would not want to attempt the ‘obvious’ solution.

Can I be direct and ask how you manage pain without pain relief ? That is some feat

@Lemondrizzleandacuppa I have suggested twice. Once in conversation re outing and how to make them more enjoyable for them generally and also in context of highlighting certain large stores (in big towns near where I live) actually have them at front of the shop ( I thought this might be less intimidating/ as it would be more casual/ not need as much planning/ almost as if it reflects size of store rather than your ability)

They declined- but thank you for the suggestion

Naproxen with Esomeprazole saved my sanity whilst I was waiting for a hip replacement.

@Womanofmanycoats the danger with paracetamol is the danger to your liver, taking it once a month is neither here nor there really, but taking it daily long term.. not a great idea really.

if you read the packets with stuff like Paracetamol or Ibuprofen it tells you not to take them regularly for more than 72hrs without consulting your dr... but even i will mainline lemsip 4x daily for 3 days if i have a cold/flu, or alternate paracetamol/ibuprofen if i injure myself in the short term, but i'm also resting during those times, not going frolicking on a hike, you know?

What i have issue with is the thing about taking it regularly just to get through days out with family, rather than accepting there are limits on what you can do.

Completely appreciate my post came across ‘I do it so why won’t she’ - as I detailed so much about my own experience/attitude to painkillers. I did also vent a lot after a particularly hard day

That’s why in my 2nd post I wrote The purpose of this thread is to understand other perspectives- as I am struggling with my own frustration at situation. I should have asked any tips for managing my feelings. When I try so hard to give the family member an enjoyable day ( that kids are ok with) and fail I struggle

Yes you’re right the ‘why’ does relate person to person. There is no point me trying to guess their logic- it’s probably not due to side effects ( as they haven’t had painkiller anyway ) it’s probably not due fear of addiction ( based on our day to day conversation) - rather it is as they told me I ‘just don’t like idea of them’

I just need to accept they want me to take them in outing but they will be in a lot of pain which further restricts their mobility, their enjoyment.
I just know their lives ( our lives) are restricted currently - museums and large concerts are no goes ( which they previously enjoyed) larger shops off limits. Hotels must be v compact but they miss the businesses of larger facilities. Parks are restricted to having very close seating and they still struggle with pain in these settings. This must be so hard for them. I just came home today thinking of my own feelings. The tiredness of amending plans and taking them all the restricted places ans they don’t enjoy.

but your right I completely let my attitude ‘when I am in pain I would try anything’ attitude blur my thinking. I do tend to think short term.
It never even crossed my mind to consider how using paracetamol fortnightly might make it ineffective or affect your liver as the person is i their 70’s. So this is good learning for me. I honestly took their GP’s advice to take it at face value.

I have needed to use pain relief regularly to function for 20 years and am realising from these posts I have been lucky with manageable side- effects so have underestimated long term effects myself and must even look into for me.

I appreciate what you are saying about your family pushing pain relief so you can do things- that’s not acceptance, but would just highlight it’s my family member who wants to go on outings. I see them daily and they stay in my house almost every weekend for company but naturally they want to go out.
I just don’t like seeing them in pain - but that’s on me I am hyper vigilant. I get worked up if anyone is agitated or cross or in pain even if it’s nothing to do with me. Usually if someone is in pain you try to help but with my family member I feel responsible I took them out/ its the standing walking causing the pain.

I wonder if the underlying issues is my patience/ empathy is running out. I might be getting tired of being a carer. I was a child/ teen carer. For last five years I was main carer for my Aunt with dementia ( god rest her) and once again I am on a caring journey.
oh and I am pregnant so that adds to the tiredness lol

@PhantomUnicorn Thank you for explaining further. I didn’t see your last message prior to my reply - but am unable to edit sorry
Thanks for clarifying re paracetamol use
I am sorry I may have misinterpreted your original message
The only reason I considered paracetamol for my family member is because that’s what Gp recommended - to help the family member be more active as the GP was worried about their level of inactivity day to day and pain limiting them. They did not suggest a time frame so I must clarify this.
(I am trying to advocate for the family member for actual treatment/ a plan other Than this advice)

I get what you are saying about accepting limits- the family member does not want to be limited to the house but are impressively ambitious and try to push through pain in shortest of outings.

I doubt any medication a gp is willing to prescribe would make her pain free. At best it would dull it a bit. I think OP is coming across as a bit unsympathetic.

Can you tell them that sometimes simple pain relievers have additional effects. For example arthritis the most common pain relief is aspirin or ibuprofen. They are not only pain relievers but they are anti-inflammatory. Arthritis is an inflammatory disease.

This is your answer/solution right here OP.

The person in question knows they are ill, knows they are limited, and will not take the obvious step to remedy that, to a degree at least.

If and when they have been left behind to be miserable on their own they might reconsider. Assuming they do, it's perfectly reasonable to offer to include them once again with a few allowances made for the fact that they might not be able to keep up full pelt with everyone else, so that's a compromise whereby everyone slows things down slightly in order to accommodate them, but nobody has their day entirely ruined.

While they are unwilling to do anything to help themselves, there is no way they can expect you, and everyone else, to compromise your own day entirely just to accommodate their stubbornness and refusal to be reasonable.

Leave them to lie in their own metaphorical bed for a bit. Ball is entirely in their court.

It's an identity issue.

With many elderly people, actually with many people, if they take medication regularly or use a wheelchair then they need to accept that they are actually long term ill or disabled.

Many people will do almost anything to keep themselves out of that category.

I remember my Dad when he was in his fourth cancer and couldn't walk far, refusing to use a wheelchair. He was very ill, but if he refused the trappings of disability he could pretend to himself that he was only temporarily ill and really he was an able-bodied person.

Your relative wants the pain to go away (don't we all!) but also is resisting fiercely being categorised as ill or disabled.

Do painkillers actually help them? When I tore my meniscus I was given naproxen, then codeine but nothing helped the pain. They just made me feel awful or totally knocked me out! The only thing that worked for me were Ralvo patches, get them to ask the doctor about these.

Aw, I expect it’s hard for you to step back even when you want to @Womanofmanycoats. I now see how it’s important for you to reframe your thinking because that will help you to feel less overwhelmed by their suffering.

If they’ve had a lifetime of cheerfully soldiering on it might feel more integral to themself to maintain that aspect of their personality than going to concerts etc.

Perhaps if you’re at another appointment you could ask the GP to be more specific, and use the word “prescribe”. Some people put so much faith in doctor’s orders.

And do be aware of carer burnout, as you must surely be at risk with all you have done. Good luck with your pregnancy, I hope you keep well

When I saw a physio for chronic joint pain, they explained that The best pain relief is exercise and sleep to build muscle. But if pain stops exercise and sleep , you take the pain killers.

Has the individual seen a physio?

My in laws are like this; it's frustrating to see my mil struggle with her hip though she eventually used ibu gel.

I take painpillers but VERY hesitantly. Probably once a year if that.

I don't know why but I suspect it's rooted in my parent being a healthcare worker and they have always been controlling around it "how many have you taken? Remember it's two hours apart! How many have you had in 24 hrs..."

I'm well able to read a packet but because they controlled it, it always felt like a massive deal.

So now I rarely bother even though the parent is no around. It's silly to be in painless needlessly though and I think I'll make a concerted effort not to be now, I know it annoys me partner.

It's strange what can affect you as an adult from your childhood.

I currently have chronic pain , I cant walk or sleep without painkillers. Even with them it feels sore to sit, sore to move. I'm trying not to take them because i feel that if I can cope for a day then my liver will thank me. I've been prescribed max dose cocodamol and to alternate this with tramadol and also naproxen.