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Original poster

To give nephew's pregnant gf a home?

44 replies

Brianisanaughtyboy · 30/09/2023 18:53

When lots of people say you're being unreasonable there's a good chance you are isn't there? But I don't think I am so need some opinions...

(names are all fake of course) My in-laws consist of FIL, MIL, DH's sister Anna, her husband Alan and their 2 sons Mike (16) and Matt (9). DH and I have one daughter, aged 19, who currently lives half at home and half in halls (uni is too far to comfortably come back every day but near enough to come back almost every Friday-Sunday and holidays, which she prefers for a bit of home life). We live about 3 hours (if traffic is good!) from all the in laws who live close to each other.

A few months ago there was a big blow up as it came out that Mike's girlfriend, Maya, was a few months pregnant (I'm unclear whether any of the parents knew they were sleeping together but it's hardly relevant here). Mike had broken up with her before everyone else knew, he'd said at the time they were having too many arguments but obviously now it looks like he was scared of having a baby to deal with, which I can't say I blame him for as his parents are incredibly selfish and tried their best to teach him to be.

I know nothing of Maya's parents or family but apparently they told her to 'get rid or get out' so Maya thought her and Mike should try and get a housing association flat, see if they could get min wage jobs and co-parent (but not get back together). Mike was not keen, he wants to do a-levels then uni and talked about not wanting a baby with someone he's not together with, he thought they should have the baby adopted and his parents, DH's sister and BIL, were talking seriously about adopting/fostering the baby themselves, without Maya basically.

Maya pretty much flipped at this, hasn't been aggressive to them or anything but has clearly said she doesn't want to lose her baby, doesn't want them taking over etc. In-laws are universally unhappy about this, saying they're too young and the whole family should have a say over their granddaughter/greatgranddaughter.

We knew Maya a little from family visits etc, not well though, but after hearing what was going on (I mean in weeks of conversations and developments, not an instant knee jerk thing) we offered to let her stay with us for a couple of weeks over the summer for a break from everything (in-laws said Maya was talking about moving out from her family because of all this and sleeping at friends houses so we thought we'd be a safer bet). We didn't specifically want to get involved for ourselves but couldn't stand the sound of how bad everything was going. We had a spare bedroom, I've just had to move my office now into a corner of the dining room.

At first in-laws were over the moon and thought we were wonderful for putting her up so 'the kids' could have some space from each other and think about things (and they could carry on working on Maya to let them foster the baby!). We genuinely didn't push to get any more involved but Maya turned out to be lovely and, unprompted, talked to us and DD a lot, being honest about not massively wanting to be a parent right now but feeling as though it was a done deal now and she just wants to do the best to bring up the baby herself (including Mike of course but not giving the baby up). We let Maya stay another week while she tried to sort out what to do next, after her parents got social services involved to 'bring her back' but they haven't done much so far and say they don't have immediate concerns but are referring to either a social worker or a family support service (the worker that visited was as clear as fog!).

Maya was intending to go home and ask SS to help her get her own home but, after discussing things, DH and I offered to let her stay with us as we have the room, seem to get on ok, and said we'll review everything once the baby is a few months old (due in 5-6 weeks now) to give her more time to sort herself out, get benefits etc (we also discussed with DD who is fine with it all). We're genuinely not trying to 'fill an empty nest' but it's just worked out well that we have more space now DD is not home as much.

It might sound like a crazy idea and I would have said that too a year ago but it just felt right when it came to it and we'll review things as we go.

Maya accepted, her parents seemed relieved that she's not their problem to be honest which is awful. The in-laws though absolutely hit the roof. They've said this is all my doing even though DH made the decision too, that I'm a terrible person, I'm keeping Mike's child from him and their grandchild from them, I don't know what I'm doing, I'm trying to break up the family etc. They won't outright say it but they've made it extremely obvious they don't like us being in the way of their plan to look after the baby. We even asked if they'd want to put Maya up but apparently they have plenty of room for a baby but couldn't have Maya staying as it 'would invite more trouble', 'wouldn't be fair to Mike' etc etc!

They never come to see us and we were only planning to go to visit them at Christmas (already were slightly low contact with them before all this) but apparently it's our fault they won't see the baby as much as they want.

Apart from pretty much living in a Jeremy Kyle episode at this point, are DH and I in the wrong at all?

OP posts:
5128gap · 30/09/2023 19:01

I think now you've created this relationship with Maya and made her this offer, you should under no circumstances renage on it. You have chosen to offer her your support and now have a responsibility to see that through, and that responsibility should come before trying to keep your in laws happy.
Whether you should have involved yourself or not? People will have different views on that. There are many pitfalls to negotiate. But you have and you owe her to see it through now.
(For what it's worth, wisely or not, I'd have done the same.)

Daffidale · 30/09/2023 19:03

You’ve done a good thing for a young woman going through a really hard time. Your in-laws sound vile, trying to steal her baby off her. Keep lo/no contact. Grey rock their drama. And give Maya all our best.

Original poster
Brianisanaughtyboy · 30/09/2023 19:12

Thank you both, it's a relief to be honest to hear not everyone thinks we're awful people!! No, I definitely don't intend to stop the support now, she can't live with us forever but DH and I have already floated the idea with each other that it wouldn't be the worst thing ever if it turned into a few months, or even till baby was a toddler if it comes to that but we're taking it one step at a time.

Just the amount of drama created had both of us thinking we'd got it all wrong, especially DH who usually tries to pacify his parents but it's good to know we can keep doing our thing without being horrendous people!

I too was sick tbh that they were trying to take over the baby, yes Maya is very young for motherhood but it's a bit late now to take that away from her!

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/09/2023 19:23

It sounds like you're the only thing between her and having her baby stolen from her, as she's got parents who don't want her and an ex boyfriend's parents with baby fever.

Advise her to protect herself as much as possible - no having him near her at the birth, no going with them to register the baby, absolutely no unsupervised contact, not for one second.

It would be wise for her if at all possible to get housing somewhere a long way from the lot of them before the baby is born and before they can wade in with court applications, but as that's unlikely to be possible (although it's worth asking for help now because of the risk of abduction), it'll be protecting and supporting her as they attempt to drag her through the courts and absolutely destroy her.

ohsuzannah · 30/09/2023 19:25

You've done a lovely thing op!
This young lady obviously needs help and protection. I wish you all the best of luck 💐

noticetomarry · 30/09/2023 19:25

You’re a very kind person OP and she will never forget this level of support and care. Good on you. They sound a bit unhinged to be cross at you over it, they’re not willing to help and you’d rather she has a secure living situation than any of the options they’re suggesting. Just have a plan to review it or be clear it’s only for 12, 18 or 24 months - or however long you want - otherwise she might never move out!

nocoolnamesleft · 30/09/2023 19:29

This could all go pear shaped. But you've still done a good thing. This poor young woman needs someone to help her without preconditions, and that seems to be you.

theduchessofspork · 30/09/2023 19:29

5128gap · 30/09/2023 19:01

I think now you've created this relationship with Maya and made her this offer, you should under no circumstances renage on it. You have chosen to offer her your support and now have a responsibility to see that through, and that responsibility should come before trying to keep your in laws happy.
Whether you should have involved yourself or not? People will have different views on that. There are many pitfalls to negotiate. But you have and you owe her to see it through now.
(For what it's worth, wisely or not, I'd have done the same.)

💯this

If you can encourage her to stay in education, bonus points.

Cognitivedisonance · 30/09/2023 19:32

You’re doing the right thing. For Mayas mental health and future I’d encourage her back into education asap, you can get childcare funded right up to and including a bachelor degree or vocational equivalent. Having a baby at 16/17 doesn’t mean a life of missed opportunities there is a system in place and funding available so that her future opportunities remain vast. For me, some of the best years of my life were as a single parent, in a council house while living off benefits and my student loan. It was hard but great and I was so proud to graduate. Social housing is a must long term, the cheap rent makes student finance and salary go far enough that you can still have a decent quality of life. There are some funny rules about applying for social housing regarding local connections and stuff but you’ll get round that with some help from HV or SS etc saying she needs a home near you eventually. Good luck.

Frenchfancy · 30/09/2023 19:32

I think you are doing a wonderful thing. You are braver than I would be accepting a baby into your lives, but as long as your DH, DD and Maya are in agreement then you are undoubtedly saving the baby from an uncertain start in life and possibly saving Maya from being on the streets.

Your in-laws sound awful.

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/09/2023 19:35

Thank goodness she has you. What sort of arseholes think it's ok to rip a baby from its mother? Keep doing what you're doing. She'll find her feet eventually. Flowers

Blueeyes13 · 30/09/2023 19:35

Thank you for doing this for Maya. How callous of your in-laws to plan to take a baby away from a mother who would like to do her best for it and raise it herself, especially as their son has no interest in it. You are doing a wonderful thing.

Offcom · 30/09/2023 19:35

You’re doing the best thing for their grandchild but they are too ignorant to realise. I hope it all works out for Maya and her baby and that the rest of the come to their senses soon. How lovely of you to do this for them

JC89 · 30/09/2023 19:35

I'm not sure many people would put themselves out so much, you sound great! In laws are wrong for trying to block Maya out from her own baby.

Jifmicroliquid · 30/09/2023 19:36

Thank god for people like you! This poor young girl sounds like she’d be in awful position without your help.

Your in-laws sound vile.

JohnNolan · 30/09/2023 19:39

You are doing the right thing - helping a young mother to be protect herself and her baby.

Make sure that she registers the birth only with her named as parent and the baby has her surname.

reallypuzzledoverthis · 30/09/2023 19:43

When baby is born she needs to go online and apply for a Child Arrangement Order, it will state where baby lives and if in-laws try to take baby or refuse to bring them back from a visit the police can step in

Khvdrt · 30/09/2023 19:43

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong; they clearly want rhe baby but not it’s mum whereas you treat them as a package and the girl like an actual person with her own wishes and views.

Khvdrt · 30/09/2023 19:45

I also agree that she needs to understand that if he’s on the birth certificate he can take the baby and not return him/her so my advice would be don’t

crumblylancs · 30/09/2023 19:46

reallypuzzledoverthis · 30/09/2023 19:43

When baby is born she needs to go online and apply for a Child Arrangement Order, it will state where baby lives and if in-laws try to take baby or refuse to bring them back from a visit the police can step in

This, especially if she does name him as the father on the birth certificate. Once he's named, there's equal parental responsibility and should he have baby unsupervised with his family and refuse to return them, police can't step in

Original poster
Brianisanaughtyboy · 30/09/2023 19:47

Thanks a lot for all the responses and encouragement, I really was questioning myself about what we were doing, especially as in-laws are making out I'm the baby-mad one, they say Maya won't be able to manage or will lose interest anyway, so basically implying the baby is up for grabs anyway and I'm 'stealing' it from under their noses. They are vile, that's spot on, everything must be the way they see it (or want it).

I'll look into everything mentioned about being able to carry on with education, protecting herself and the baby etc and get info for Maya. She's very naive so could use the help but seems to have her head screwed on besides that and doesn't seem afraid of a bit of work, talking about jobs etc instead of expecting benefits for years, so I don't see why she can't make it work as much as the next person, I'm so glad we can give her the chance. Before we moved away from the in laws to a cheaper area we'd have had no room or finances to do this so it all seems to have been karma 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Brianisanaughtyboy · 30/09/2023 19:53

I don't think they'd actually take/abduct the baby as they're very straight-laced 'what would the neighbours say' type people but Alan has a very well paid job so deep enough pockets to cause a lot of legal trouble if they want to which I highly expect they'll do so the advice on names on birth certificate, steps we can take etc is very welcome, thanks.

OP posts:
Its5656 · 30/09/2023 19:54

You are doing a good thing and it's so nice she has you on side. Your in law's sound horrendous, preparing to steal a baby away from its own mother.
I'd advise her to register the birth in her name only and all contact with the dad and grandparents to be supervised.

ActDottie · 30/09/2023 20:00

Your in laws are awful. They literally want to steal the baby from maya. You’re doing a wonderful thing.

Jl2014 · 30/09/2023 20:01

they sound like absolute assholes. Basically they’re upset that you have given this girl a safe option to keep and look after her own baby which is in the best interests of both of them but prevents the in-laws from removing the baby from its mother. Jesus Christ. The people that I read about on here make my head spin. I hope you continue to support her. you sound like good people.