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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - not to help my mother - after her rage

28 replies

Potdora · 30/09/2023 14:25

My mother is currently looking for a particular type of hot water bottle. She's just looking for a plain one without any covers. The covered hot water bottles are everywhere in the shops and not the plain hot water bottles.

I could probably search online and I did see them online and some shops. I could step in and buy one online for her. I usually do help her with a lot of things but right now, I just don't know about it. I think I want to step back from helping her.

She launches a verbal attack on me the week before last. I was filling the doshwasher and it was full, it was very full and more than full. The top rack and bottom rack was overloaded. My mother was preparing her breakfast and I was going to start the dishwasher. She asked me not to put it on yet probably in the hope of getting her breakfast bowl and mug in. I mentioned that it's very full now and no more will get in. Like, I had stuff even packed at the sides on the racks and even more stuff in any free gaps available and in the middle of the bottom rack. It really was as full as it was going to get. This resulted in a pure rage from her to me where she was shouting abuse at - LET ME GET MY FUCKING BOWL IN - YOU WILL LET ME DO THAT YOU FAT BITCH YOU and on and on and on and on and on she went til I left the room. It was way over the tope for what it was and she never apologised to me at all. She had no right to rage at me. She could have placed her breakfast stuff aside for the next load. It made no sense. The rage wasn't the first of its kind from her. I was utterly gutted with her response. It was way over the top. She had no right to shout at me like that. Imagine if I launched an attack on her insulting her? I didn't and never did.

I help her a lot. She doesn't appreciate a lot that I do. I erected a clothes line last year for her and a few months ago she wrote off work and claimed she saw my brother out the back for hours with a rope putting up that clothes line. A while later I had a look at the clothes line and it was the same line that I put up with the exact same knots that I used. My brother never did that work but she wrote off my contribution. It wasn't the first time she that.

I'm thinking what is the point of helping her right now and searching for a hot water bottle when she will only rage and temper tantrum to me whenever she feels like exploding to me.

OP posts:
PerfectMatch · 30/09/2023 14:27

Step back a bit OP. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

Ilikewinter · 30/09/2023 14:30

She seriously spoke to you like that??.....if so then you need to massively step back. Personally I would have left right there and then and wouldnt have spoken to her since.

Marcipex · 30/09/2023 14:32

I bought a plain hot water bottle from the pharmacy counter in Tesco.

I wonder if it’s possible that your mother is suffering from a degree of dementia? Just putting it forward as an idea.

LuluBlakey1 · 30/09/2023 14:36

Do you live with her? If not, I'd just tell her you are not putting up with her behaviour- it's offensive and unwarranted and you will be having a break from her possibly for good but at least until 2024. Have a few months off. She may not want you back then but that's no loss to you.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/09/2023 14:38

Having been there, done it and got the slaps and punches to show for it - don't bother.

Walk away and leave her to it.

ManchesterGirl2 · 30/09/2023 14:40

I'm very sorry, she sounds horrible. Has she always been like this?

HellNoBedBug · 30/09/2023 14:42

Just take the cover off a hot water bottle?

But that aside I wouldn’t have anything to do with her again if she talks to you like that. Just stop seeing her and helping her

Thementalloadisreal · 30/09/2023 14:42

She sounds horrible.

But why can’t she just buy a cheap hot water bottle with a cover from home bargains or similar and just take the cover off??

Blabla81 · 30/09/2023 14:43

Just on the topic of water bottles - aren’t they all just normal ones inside the covers anyway?

TomatoSandwiches · 30/09/2023 14:45

I wouldn't trouble myself with her or for her anymore op, do you live with her?

Patchworksack · 30/09/2023 14:52

How old are you and your mother? Do you live with her? Is it out of character to be so verbally abusive over something minor? I’d be worried she had dementia or a UTI affecting her cognitive functioning if it’s out of character. If she’s always like that take the biggest step away you can manage.

Original poster
Potdora · 30/09/2023 15:29

She had an element like this about her. Just stern and angry. As I got older I was able to reflect and see that it was a result for an abusive marriage for her. She did mellow when I was in my 30s but she's slowing reverting back to the way she was when I was younger - angry and controlling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Potdora · 30/09/2023 15:30

How can a UTI be treated if it presents with anger?

OP posts:
Original poster
Potdora · 30/09/2023 15:30

Blabla81 · 30/09/2023 14:43

Just on the topic of water bottles - aren’t they all just normal ones inside the covers anyway?

Apparantly according to her they are different. She says the ones in covers are made cheaper or weaker and she's looking for a regular got water bottle.

OP posts:
2jacqi · 30/09/2023 15:44

you are not the golden child!! go no contact and leave it all to brother!!

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 30/09/2023 16:00

she was shouting abuse at - LET ME GET MY FUCKING BOWL IN - YOU WILL LET ME DO THAT YOU FAT BITCH YOU and on and on and on and on

If someone talked to me like that, I'd never see them again. Is that an option for you?

IReallyLikeYouButIWantToSeeHowThingsGoWithMark · 30/09/2023 16:04

Walk.

Screw her. let her ask her perfect son for help if she needs.

Look up FOG when it comes to abusive parents.

neilyoungismyhero · 30/09/2023 16:05

Dementia often shows itself like this. Sudden mood swings, rages and it's always against the nearest and dearest.

IReallyLikeYouButIWantToSeeHowThingsGoWithMark · 30/09/2023 16:06

yeah but the OP says she has a history of behaving like this.

I say fuck it.

AlisonDonut · 30/09/2023 16:07

Was this her dishwasher or yours?

Not that it matters, right now.

SillySausagez · 30/09/2023 16:10

Do you live with her?

Original poster
Potdora · 30/09/2023 16:10

I think maybe there might be dementia setting in. There's a few behavioural issues coming in more often

  • anger and misplaced anger
  • some obsessive behviours eg she is obsessed with storing boxes and cardboard boxes. I have a friend who needed some boxes and the boxes in a spare room largely would have been mine from online orders and I was helping a friend and she got upset and angry at me when I was giving away some boxes even thought she wants using them at the time.
  • I caught her lying in recent weeks which don't make sense. One of her nephews died a few years ago and she wrote to her sister saying she will get a mass said for his birthday and she never did that. She never organised a mass and really has no intention of asking the local priest for a mass.

There's a few more other things that seem off too.

I chatted to her GP and she asked me any memory loss? Her memory seems to be good. But when I searched online there's a type of dementia that causes behavioural issues at first and eventually the memory loss sets in but the memory is t the first sign. Her GP wrote off my concerns citing memory loss.

OP posts:
SillySausagez · 30/09/2023 16:12

every time she’s horrid give her space for two or three weeks. She will quickly learn(unless it’s dementia related and then it’s a different ball game)

Original poster
Potdora · 30/09/2023 16:13

I have some suspicions about dementia but her GP cited memory loss to me. Her memory seems be good. It's behavioural issues that I am observing.

OP posts:
Helenahandkart · 30/09/2023 16:13

I bought an ordinary hot water bottle in Asda.