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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let another baby take toys from my own?

39 replies

Takemetothelakes45 · 30/09/2023 13:21

I’m not passionate either way just a FTM looking for the general consensus.

I take my DC (8month)to alot of baby groups with a mix of ages. There’s one child in particularly who also attends a few (around 10 month I think) That can crawl and move and who snatches toys from other babies cos well, they’re a baby too and I get that. The mother herself is very vocal about aww X coming for that, don’t let them take this, oh have they just snatched that how rude etc.

So when they approach my own DC and tries to take things from there hands, I say ‘aww (DC) is playing with this one, how about we play with this instead’ and with hand her another toy, while helping my DC hold onto what she has. I noticed after a few times the other mother looked a bit put out by this, despite her asking others to make sure she doesn’t steal. I also noticed most of the other mothers let them take whatever from their own DCs. This just an example but this obviously happens a lot at these groups with lots of new toys available.

So I think really I’m not sure what the social norm is? As I said they are just young babies but I assumed gentle encouragement to not snatch toys (at the mother’s request as well) was surely a good thing? Also to try to encourage my own DC to not be a snatcher when they get to moving about?

But ready to be humbled either way 😅

YABU - there a baby let them have what they want manners come later
YANBU - start the basis of sharing and manners as young as possible for all parties involved!

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 30/09/2023 13:26

It's hilarious that the other mother thinks she can say no to her baby but you can't!

A lot of people, men and women, as seen on MN, would not be able in the moment to say oh no Johnny, don't take Peter's toy, here's another one.

But IMO you are doing it perfectly. You are gently not letting someone, even a baby, take something from your baby, stopping something which may cause your baby distress.

No big deal. Keep being assertive 😀. You aren't being horrible.

YouJustDoYou · 30/09/2023 13:28

OP I think you phrased it perfectly for the baby/other mother.

Hickry · 30/09/2023 13:29

You're doing great.

Katypp · 30/09/2023 13:34

Chamomileteaplease · 30/09/2023 13:26

It's hilarious that the other mother thinks she can say no to her baby but you can't!

A lot of people, men and women, as seen on MN, would not be able in the moment to say oh no Johnny, don't take Peter's toy, here's another one.

But IMO you are doing it perfectly. You are gently not letting someone, even a baby, take something from your baby, stopping something which may cause your baby distress.

No big deal. Keep being assertive 😀. You aren't being horrible.

How many times have I read on here 'the only person allowed to chastise my child is me' or words to that effect. Others are not allowed to intervene, therefore babies grow into children with no idea of social norms outside their own family's.

YayGoMe · 30/09/2023 13:40

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Ruffpuff · 30/09/2023 13:40

Oh ffs really. When other babies used to ‘steal’ toys from my baby I just used to hand a new toy to my baby- he hardly even noticed.

who cares about manners when they’re not even 12 months. You can’t place unrealistic expectation on a baby.

YayGoMe · 30/09/2023 13:42

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spitefulandbadgrammar · 30/09/2023 14:01

Ruffpuff · 30/09/2023 13:40

Oh ffs really. When other babies used to ‘steal’ toys from my baby I just used to hand a new toy to my baby- he hardly even noticed.

who cares about manners when they’re not even 12 months. You can’t place unrealistic expectation on a baby.

But eventually they do notice, and you’ve missed the boat. And my 9mo certainly notices if you prise something from his death grip. Why not just start as you mean to go on?

Maray1967 · 30/09/2023 14:33

Yes, you’re doing the right thing, but there cones a point when they need to learn to have it over to others once they’ve had a okay. If not, you get kids hogging the swings. for ages. Mine got a set number of swings up and down when the park was busy and then I made them get off.

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 30/09/2023 14:39

I think its fine to divert the other baby's attention away from the toy your baby is playing with, which is all you are really doing. Socialisation is about teaching the child from an early age how to interact with others. The baby who is always allowed to snatch grows into the toddler who snatches and potentially the child who has no feelings for others. You are teaching your baby that they are allowed to say no, and don't have to be passive. Obviously it's subtle at this age, but you are building a character.
Watch nature programs, where baby chimps play together and establish hierarchy. The alpha female's baby is allowed to take from lower female's babies, not never the other way around.

newlystyle · 30/09/2023 14:39

Yanbu, I wouldn't let another baby take something out of my child's hand. I would hold on to it and steer them away and look at their parent. She's an idiot ignore her.

Original poster
Takemetothelakes45 · 30/09/2023 15:19

I should have been more specific originally, in these scenarios, it is when each baby has been given their own item as opposed to free play I.e and instrument or prop. I get that in free play it’s important that little ones know to share appropriately as I don’t want to end up with a little toy hog!

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 30/09/2023 15:24

Nope. You’re doing fine. I remember when my dd was toddler and she was literally cornered by two kids trying to take the toy she was playing with. The mothers were sat gossiping and drinking their tea, ignoring what was going on. So I got up, and gently steered them away. They weren’t impressed but I didn’t care

LolaSmiles · 30/09/2023 15:33

You're doing fine OP. The more people like you, the better.

The "nobody else can say anything to my precious offspring" mentality is a nightmare to deal with as they get older. They'll soon be the toddlers that snatch and parents try to avoid if mum keeps being precious.

This mother's mentality is how you get parents who are forever arguing with schools, coaches, club leaders and anyone else who says 'no' to their children.

JMSA · 30/09/2023 15:35

Crikey, they're babies. If toddlers, I'd agree with you completely. But this is overkill.

IronicElf · 30/09/2023 16:12

I think you're doing a grand job there. It's not just the other baby who needs to learn manners IMO.

It seems insignificant as a one off, but who knows which moment a child learns to share, or that they never have to. Infancy and toddlerhood are invisible foundations to personality and social integration but there have to be rules and consequences, as there sure as heck will be if children never learn how to behave in society.

I moved to a new area when my DDs were preschoolers and looked for new groups to take them to - I'd already done it once so I knew the atmosphere I was looking for - and went to a nearby village group. There was one of those little tykes car thingies. My daughter (2ish) had just climbed in and was pootling around. A boy about a year older opened the door, grabbed her arm and tried to yank her out.

His mother (one of the organisers, of course) coo'd at her son and said 'oh yes, he does love that car' and gave me a pointed stare. My daughter prised his fingers off, closed the door and sped off at high speed across the hall. I called out something saccharine like 'Darling another five minutes then let someone else have a turn' then turned to the mother and commented on how groups like this help children learn turn-taking and other skills. I already hadn't felt particularly welcome, wasn't going to go back and had nothing to lose by suggesting that her son's manners needed addressing.

The boy followed DD around and tried taking everything she picked up, but I wandered around after her, telling her it was OK to play with the toy and she was allowed a turn and thwarting him

LolaSmiles · 30/09/2023 16:20

Crikey, they're babies. If toddlers, I'd agree with you completely. But this is overkill
It's overkill to allow your child to enjoy the toy they're playing with instead of handing it over to the first kid that snatches it off them?

Allowing snatching and doing the sort of forced sharing of handing toys over the second another child wants it doesn't teach sharing. It teaches a mixture of "other people can take what they want off me/can demand I give them what they want" and "obviously I must be allowed to snatch and demand other people give me what I want straight away".
Obviously older babies and young toddlers don't have those words, but that's the pattern of behaviour that's being set.

UncleHerbie · 30/09/2023 16:27

IronicElf · 30/09/2023 16:12

I think you're doing a grand job there. It's not just the other baby who needs to learn manners IMO.

It seems insignificant as a one off, but who knows which moment a child learns to share, or that they never have to. Infancy and toddlerhood are invisible foundations to personality and social integration but there have to be rules and consequences, as there sure as heck will be if children never learn how to behave in society.

I moved to a new area when my DDs were preschoolers and looked for new groups to take them to - I'd already done it once so I knew the atmosphere I was looking for - and went to a nearby village group. There was one of those little tykes car thingies. My daughter (2ish) had just climbed in and was pootling around. A boy about a year older opened the door, grabbed her arm and tried to yank her out.

His mother (one of the organisers, of course) coo'd at her son and said 'oh yes, he does love that car' and gave me a pointed stare. My daughter prised his fingers off, closed the door and sped off at high speed across the hall. I called out something saccharine like 'Darling another five minutes then let someone else have a turn' then turned to the mother and commented on how groups like this help children learn turn-taking and other skills. I already hadn't felt particularly welcome, wasn't going to go back and had nothing to lose by suggesting that her son's manners needed addressing.

The boy followed DD around and tried taking everything she picked up, but I wandered around after her, telling her it was OK to play with the toy and she was allowed a turn and thwarting him

Well done, BabyIronicElf. Teach them the right way before they know there’s a wrong way 👏

Kinsters · 30/09/2023 16:32

If it was an activity the baby was supposed to be doing with whatever they had then I'd make sure they kept hold of it. If it was just a toy I'd be led by them. If they weren't unhappy at the toy being taken and we're ok with being given something else then I'd leave it at that (maybe say to the child who took the toy, if they were older, give something else to the baby if you want what they have). Of course if they were unhappy I'd help them to keep hold of it.

BannedfromChristmas · 30/09/2023 17:06

God babies are feral snatchy critters, you have to watch them all. I think you re being completely fair OP. You are al teaching your baby that it's okay for her to keep the toy that she has and not have to hand it over because someone else wants it.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 30/09/2023 17:16

I would be doing exactly the same as you are doing. It's up to the other mum to be on top of that but if she isn't then I think you are handling it really well.

Dacadactyl · 30/09/2023 17:22

I always stopped other kids snatching off my children at playgroups.

Olika · 30/09/2023 17:30

You are doing great job

RunningOnHope · 30/09/2023 20:05

YANBU. You've got it spot on, keep it up. Your kid will, by watching you, instinctively get how to do kind assertiveness, rather than defaulting to passivity or aggression.

Goldbar · 30/09/2023 21:40

It would depend how keen on the toy my baby was. Sometimes my DC isn't bothered and is more curious about the baby doing the snatching. Sometimes, my DC wants that toy and will take it back from the 'snatcher' baby. Sometimes it's my DC doing the snatching. Generally, I just distract/find another toy for one of the babies. I find that babies aren't really possessive/obsessed with things in the way toddlers are... that seems to come later.

Tbh I don't view it as protecting 'my' baby but just as helping all the babies play nicely together. I'll still intervene when I'm next to babies that aren't mine and one baby moves to poke another baby in the eye or push them, as well as taking toys. It just makes sense to keep all the babies in the group safe and happy if you can. Yes, the mum should intervene, but babies can be fast movers and us mums are big and lumbering in comparison so the correct mum isn't always going to get there in time.

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