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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else who DOESN’t connect love and sex?

48 replies

IaskUanswer · 30/09/2023 12:44

Few of my friends started to talking about this topic and out of the six of us, I was the only one who doesn’t have to have sex to feel love(d) or connection.
I would never leave my partner if we didn’t have sex or call them ’just a friend / housemate’.

Like for me, if I love someone, I love them.
I don’t have to have their body / genitalia.

It was an interesting conversation, I mostly just listen because I couldn’t relate at all, but it got me wondering how many feel like I do.

OP posts:
Mushroo · 30/09/2023 12:48

Yeh I agree. Probably because I’m not really that sexual a person. I enjoy it but can take it or leave it.

DH is my absolute best friend and favourite person, and sex is just a small part of that.

PermanentTemporary · 30/09/2023 12:50

I believe it's possible that I could continue loving someone I didn't have sex with as my most important connection, if we'd previously had an active sex life. After all, I think probably a majority of couples do stop having sex eventually if they live long enough - maybe around 90 in my case? Don't know.

I can't really imagine building that most intimate connection without sex in the first place though. I fully accept that's an aspect of some people, not all.

Im thinking of course as other types of love such as parent/child being different because you are expecting a reduction in intimacy, if not in the love, over time.

hopeishere · 30/09/2023 12:58

If you're both happy with the situation it's fine.

Beezknees · 30/09/2023 13:01

Well, I don't equate love with sex, but I wouldn't be happy never to have sex again. I don't need to have sex to feel loved, but that doesn't mean I don't want sex.

JamSandle · 30/09/2023 13:01

Sex to me is more about lust and scratching an itch than love. Saying that I'm not into casual sex.

I could love someone and never have sex with them.

PosterBoy · 30/09/2023 13:03

I love lots of people without having sex with them! But it's a different type of love.

The Greeks were good at defining different types of love. Because we use the same word for them all, it causes confusion.

I wouldn't have Eros/ physical or sexual love for someone without actually having a physical sexual relationship with them, but I could have Philia for example with a long term lover.

KookyAndSpooky · 30/09/2023 13:05

Sometimes I connect love and sex, and other times I don't. It depends on the type of sex and mood. Overall, I would say that I don't. I mean, this is why casual sex happens doesn't it?

I associate sex with vulnerability though and I'm quite guarded. So, I couldn't do the whole FWB or ONS thing.

Peepshowcreepshow · 30/09/2023 13:06

If I was in a relationship without sex, I wouldn't feel as close to them even if I loved them.
I am single and have been for 14 years - I do not want a relationship but I do like sex. I can very happily separate sex and love and it is very rare I let a ONS become a repeat performance.

NotAMug · 30/09/2023 13:08

To me sex is just sex, I have never connected it with being loved but I don't think it is the same as what you mean though.

theduchessofspork · 30/09/2023 13:09

Well as a PP said there are many different kinds of love.

Sexual love is one thing, but with a long term partner you are also going to have a deeper friendship kind of love.

I wouldn’t want a partnership that didn’t involve both kinds of love personally

theduchessofspork · 30/09/2023 13:11

.. and I also happily had plenty of sex that didn’t involve love when I was younger.

CarPour · 30/09/2023 13:13

Love without sexual attraction to me is friendship. A romantic relationship to me includes sex and intimacy

I would still love my DH if we never had sex again, but I probably wouldn't feel the same romantic attraction and probably wouldn't want to spend my life with them, as sex to me is an important part of a relationship

CarPour · 30/09/2023 13:17

I can have sex without love, but for me that is also a different type of sex. It's fun but sex in a long term relationship does come with closeness and intimacy that I really enjoy and wouldn't want to be without long term

KookyAndSpooky · 30/09/2023 13:31

Hmmm....I also wouldn't stay with someone that I love but didn't want to have sex. I still think they can be very separate elements of a relationship though. We require more than love to have a successful long-term relationship.

I need someone that loves me, has sex with me, is loyal to me, isn't financially reckless etc. You can love someone and have sex with them but still choose to leave them because they cheated for instance.

AfraidToRun · 30/09/2023 13:36

Slightly different in that I don't need sex to be validated, to support my self esteem or to define my worth as a partner. I want sex but I don't need it.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/09/2023 13:40

I'm perfectly capable of decoupling love from sex in my head. I understand there's a difference.

But I wouldn't be happy to be in a sexless committed relationship (aside from fallow periods). It makes no sense to me.

To me there's no logic to having a committed relationship with someone with whom you don't have sex or at least have some physical intimacy. You may as well have a close friendship and save yourself the rest of the baggage that goes with being in a relationship.

gotomomo · 30/09/2023 13:41

Might depend a bit on age too. A good friend of mine said to me that I needed to make sure my now dp was my best friend because the bedroom antics slow and dry up as you collect health conditions (he's been married 62 years and they still walk around holding hands!) I think friendship is the biggest factor in love, the rest is the cherry on the cake (and I love cherries Grinjust don't accept the cherry without the cake!)

ASCCM · 30/09/2023 13:44

For me, sex is a huge part of a relationship. I could never live in a sexless marriage.

RaraRachael · 30/09/2023 13:44

I love my OH but we never have sex. Used to have it sporadically but it's just kind of fizzled out and neither of us makes the suggestion to restart it.

Original poster
IaskUanswer · 30/09/2023 13:46

To me there's no logic to having a committed relationship with someone with whom you don't have sex or at least have some physical intimacy. You may as well have a close friendship and save yourself the rest of the baggage that goes with being in a relationship.

How interesting!
And I always wondered why get finacially, emotionally tied up and bring children into it, if the only thing keeping one or both of people there is sex.
Like wouldn’t it be smarter to just stay as fuck buddies, let it go on as long as it does and build a stable life (if they want one, and most do) with someone you actually like, are stable and agree on lifestyle with.
Like why risk it and build it on something so fragile?

If someone wouldn’t be with me without swx, I’d be forever wondering if they even love me. Or are even capable of loving another person.

OP posts:
Goodornot · 30/09/2023 13:49

Sex is the one thing you don't do with anyone but your partner. I wouldn't see the point of being in a sexless relationship but then I don't just see it as a physical act.

PosterBoy · 30/09/2023 14:08

IaskUanswer · 30/09/2023 13:46

To me there's no logic to having a committed relationship with someone with whom you don't have sex or at least have some physical intimacy. You may as well have a close friendship and save yourself the rest of the baggage that goes with being in a relationship.

How interesting!
And I always wondered why get finacially, emotionally tied up and bring children into it, if the only thing keeping one or both of people there is sex.
Like wouldn’t it be smarter to just stay as fuck buddies, let it go on as long as it does and build a stable life (if they want one, and most do) with someone you actually like, are stable and agree on lifestyle with.
Like why risk it and build it on something so fragile?

If someone wouldn’t be with me without swx, I’d be forever wondering if they even love me. Or are even capable of loving another person.

That sounds like an age old style of relationship - an arranged marriage, with sex for procreation purposes. The man, and sometimes the woman, usually then outsource the sexual and romantic aspects (sometimes separately).

StoatofDisarray · 30/09/2023 14:14

Lots of people feel that way, we just don't talk about it much.

readbooksdrinktea · 30/09/2023 14:17

If someone wouldn’t be with me without swx, I’d be forever wondering if they even love me. Or are even capable of loving another person.

I wouldn't be in a sexless relationship or marriage. I could possibly stay if I loved them enough, but there would have to be an agreement. I wouldn't choose celibacy.

Fluffymarsh · 30/09/2023 14:22

I've certainly had sex with people I don't love. However, if I love someone romantically, they are the person I want to have sex with. So, I don't have to love you to have sex with you but if I love you, I want to have sex with you.

I wouldn't be happy in a roommate situation at this stage of life. I'm 27.