Page 2 | Anyone else who DOESN’t connect love and sex?

IaskUanswer · 2023-09-30T11:44:18+00:00

Few of my friends started to talking about this topic and out of the six of us, I was the only one who doesn’t have to have sex to feel love(d) or connection. I would never leave my partner if we didn’t have sex or call them ’just a friend / housemate’. Like for me, if I love someone, I love them. I don’t have to have their body / genitalia. It was an interesting conversation, I mostly just listen because I couldn’t relate at all, but it got me wondering how many feel like I do.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/09/2023 14:24

If someone wouldn’t be with me without swx, I’d be forever wondering if they even love me. Or are even capable of loving another person.

Most people’s love is conditional on their relationship including things which are important to them. If your partner told you that they had no interest anymore in doing something that was important to you (having children; going on date nights; travelling together) and so that wouldn’t be happening, then you would, I fully expect, reevaluate whether you wanted to stay with them without it impacting your feelings for them. It wouldn’t make you “incapable of loving anybody” - just not compatible with that particular person because love for you included that thing. Nobody would say “well, if you wouldn’t be with a person without children / date nights / travelling together then are you capable of actually loving anybody?”

It’s no different with sex. It just sounds like sex isn’t very important to you / not something you derive much pleasure from, which is shaping your attitude towards its status in a relationship.

Emeraldrings · 30/09/2023 14:40

No sex was a big part of what ruined my relationship with my ex. Two years of no sexual contact was just too much and we were young (we had beentogether for 5 years though). I was 22 and he was 32.
There were other factors that lead to us parting ways but this was the main reasons. I do still feel sad though because he was a good person but I just couldn't go with no sex long term.
Now I'm older but I still see sex as important with DH. It's a big part of intimacy which is really important for a relationship. Having said that it's obviously not the only reason we're together so maybe we could survive without sex but hopefully I won't have to find out.

Original poster

IaskUanswer · 30/09/2023 17:06

StoatofDisarray · 30/09/2023 14:14

Lots of people feel that way, we just don't talk about it much.

Yeah, it does seem to be one of the last taboos, that’s for sure.

OP posts:

PosterBoy · 30/09/2023 17:31

IaskUanswer · 30/09/2023 17:06

Yeah, it does seem to be one of the last taboos, that’s for sure.

Show quote history

The mn relationship board is full of women who think no sex after family is complete is completely normal and reasonable in a marriage.

Original poster

IaskUanswer · 30/09/2023 17:38

PosterBoy · 30/09/2023 17:31

The mn relationship board is full of women who think no sex after family is complete is completely normal and reasonable in a marriage.

Show quote history

Haven’t seen that.
Doesn’t seem to be the case going by these comments either.

OP posts:

PosterBoy · 30/09/2023 17:58

IaskUanswer · 30/09/2023 17:38

Haven’t seen that.
Doesn’t seem to be the case going by these comments either.

Show quote history

Well you can't have spent much time on there.
Don't worry op, it's situation normal for all the people in dead bedrooms up and down the country.

Beezknees · 30/09/2023 19:16

IaskUanswer · 30/09/2023 13:46

To me there's no logic to having a committed relationship with someone with whom you don't have sex or at least have some physical intimacy. You may as well have a close friendship and save yourself the rest of the baggage that goes with being in a relationship.

How interesting!
And I always wondered why get finacially, emotionally tied up and bring children into it, if the only thing keeping one or both of people there is sex.
Like wouldn’t it be smarter to just stay as fuck buddies, let it go on as long as it does and build a stable life (if they want one, and most do) with someone you actually like, are stable and agree on lifestyle with.
Like why risk it and build it on something so fragile?

If someone wouldn’t be with me without swx, I’d be forever wondering if they even love me. Or are even capable of loving another person.

But you could say that about many things. Different things are important to different people. To me, sex is an important part of a relationship. Why is it bad to divorce someone who won't have sex with you and not bad to divorce someone for being a lazy arse who won't tidy up after themselves? Both of those things would be a deal breaker for me. I do not love anyone unconditionally.

Cupcakekiller · 30/09/2023 20:05

I could live without PIV but would need to be able to have some passion and physical affection and intimacy.

MissingMoominMamma · 30/09/2023 20:06

JamSandle · 30/09/2023 13:01

Sex to me is more about lust and scratching an itch than love. Saying that I'm not into casual sex.

I could love someone and never have sex with them.

This is exactly how I am too.

OhMyFriend · 30/09/2023 20:08

For me, I’d cope ok with love without sex (although I’d like some physical affection).

No interest at all in sex without love.

steff13 · 30/09/2023 20:11

I can have satisfying sex with someone I don't love. I couldn't be satisfied in a romantic relationship with someone if we didn't have sex.

NotAMug · 01/10/2023 19:41

JamSandle · 30/09/2023 13:01

Sex to me is more about lust and scratching an itch than love. Saying that I'm not into casual sex.

I could love someone and never have sex with them.

Exactly this. I don't think many people feel this way though.

SemperIdem · 01/10/2023 19:43

There are different kinds of love, aren’t there?

The love for your parents, children, friends, partner are all different.

Romantic love for me, includes sex. If I wanted to share my life with someone I loved platonically, it would not be with a man, but with my longest standing female friend.

JamSandle · 01/10/2023 20:41

MissingMoominMamma · 30/09/2023 20:06

This is exactly how I am too.

Show quote history

Glad I'm not the only one.

JamSandle · 01/10/2023 20:42

NotAMug · 01/10/2023 19:41

Exactly this. I don't think many people feel this way though.

Show quote history

So nice to know I'm not alone!

EightChalk · 01/10/2023 20:45

IaskUanswer · 30/09/2023 13:46

To me there's no logic to having a committed relationship with someone with whom you don't have sex or at least have some physical intimacy. You may as well have a close friendship and save yourself the rest of the baggage that goes with being in a relationship.

How interesting!
And I always wondered why get finacially, emotionally tied up and bring children into it, if the only thing keeping one or both of people there is sex.
Like wouldn’t it be smarter to just stay as fuck buddies, let it go on as long as it does and build a stable life (if they want one, and most do) with someone you actually like, are stable and agree on lifestyle with.
Like why risk it and build it on something so fragile?

If someone wouldn’t be with me without swx, I’d be forever wondering if they even love me. Or are even capable of loving another person.

Would you mind if your partner was having sex with someone else?

StoatofDisarray · 01/10/2023 21:23

I meant such people don't talk about it because if you're not interested in sex, it's boring.

XenoBitch · 01/10/2023 21:27

I can tell the difference between some meaningless sex where we just had that carnal attraction and wanted to get off.... and the slow burn thing where we felt love and closeness after doing the deed.

Somanycats · 01/10/2023 21:34

Sex and love have absolutely zilch to do with each other. Having fantastic sex with someone would not make me love him any more than having a fantastic dinner with him. Both are great things to do but not something to build a relationship on.

audweb · 01/10/2023 21:37

Sex and love are different things for me, but I wouldn’t want to be with someone I loved without having sex with them. But casual sex is fine, I often think I must be odd as women on here seem to always catch feelings, I never did.

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/10/2023 21:48

@IaskUanswer

If someone wouldn’t be with me without swx, I’d be forever wondering if they even love me. Or are even capable of loving another person.

This is interesting: there's two threads about this tonight.

I think it's unrealistic to expect most people to remain in a committed, romantic and exclusive relationship without any physical intimacy ever. Some people make this work but it's unusual.

It's perfectly possible to love someone without sex: there are plenty of people in my life who I don't have sex with but I love deeply. But that's a different kind of relationship and it seems very odd to want a romantic (as opposed to platonic or familial relationship) which explicitly requires that there be no sex involved.

Most people have as an expectation for an intimate relationship that there should be some sex or some physical intimacy at least in some periods of the relationship. You can't reasonably expect someone to feel romantic love for another person indefinitely if sex is explicitly off the table and you certainly can't make it a condition that they only stay together without sex.

IKnowNothingAboutTrees · 01/10/2023 21:57

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/10/2023 21:48

@IaskUanswer

If someone wouldn’t be with me without swx, I’d be forever wondering if they even love me. Or are even capable of loving another person.

This is interesting: there's two threads about this tonight.

I think it's unrealistic to expect most people to remain in a committed, romantic and exclusive relationship without any physical intimacy ever. Some people make this work but it's unusual.

It's perfectly possible to love someone without sex: there are plenty of people in my life who I don't have sex with but I love deeply. But that's a different kind of relationship and it seems very odd to want a romantic (as opposed to platonic or familial relationship) which explicitly requires that there be no sex involved.

Most people have as an expectation for an intimate relationship that there should be some sex or some physical intimacy at least in some periods of the relationship. You can't reasonably expect someone to feel romantic love for another person indefinitely if sex is explicitly off the table and you certainly can't make it a condition that they only stay together without sex.

Where is the other thread?

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/10/2023 22:08

@IKnowNothingAboutTrees

It's called "DH and sex" I think.

Slightly different premise because the DH is a bit of a sex pest and the OP's not interested (understandably).

But same themes coming up: people who feel that making sex a condition of a romantic relationship is unreasonable.

In this particular case I can totally understand why the OP's not interested. But as a broader point I don't think a romantic relationship with no sex is sustainable indefinitely. Fine to not want sex with your partner. Not fine to expect them to stick around forever under these circumstances.

Romantic relationships by definition are conditional and if one person wants sex and the other doesn't something has to give.