Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about giving a lift?

43 replies

MimsyBorogrove69 · 30/09/2023 09:29

Tomorrow 2 friends and I are going on an organised 16 mile walk, about a 45 minute drive away. My husband is also doing this walk, but he could potentially add another loop of 9 miles run/walk. My friend is driving and of course he could have a lift if he was definitely just doing the 16 miles (it would mean a long wait for him as he is faster than us). However, if he decides to do the extra 9 we could end up waiting for him. There is also food at the end of the event, which I know he will want.
If it was just the 2 of us doing this, of course, I would wait around for him. But I think it is unreasonable to expect my friends to wait about for him.

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 30/09/2023 09:32

Yes its unreasonable for your friends to change their day to suit your husband who hasn't actually decided what he wants to do yet. You will all be tired after the walk and waiting around for someone else who wasn't even invited will be annoying.

jiinglebells · 30/09/2023 09:34

It would be unreasonable for him to expect you to all wait about whilst he does an optional extra 9 miles, yes!

He can either drive himself so he's got the option of doing the 9 miles without changing everyone else's plans, or gets a lift and commits to just doing the same mileage as everyone else surely.

NoSquirrels · 30/09/2023 09:34

Where’s the food? Do you need to drive to the place where the food is?

TidyDancer · 30/09/2023 09:34

Is your DH actually expecting your friend to wait around for him? I'm not clear if this is actually what's happening or if you are spinning potential scenarios?

ChatterMonkey · 30/09/2023 09:35

If you would be happy waiting for your dp, then the friend has the option to also wait, or sort his own lift. Why are his travel arrangements so dependant on you?

Freezingcoldinseptember · 30/09/2023 09:36

Given that he is SO fit he can walk to the food!!

GabriellaMontez · 30/09/2023 09:40

Your husband needs to drive separately. In case he 'decides' to do the extra. I suggest he goes earlier then he can join you for food.

If he decides not to do extra he can wait for you...

Original poster
MimsyBorogrove69 · 30/09/2023 09:42

NoSquirrels · 30/09/2023 09:34

Where’s the food? Do you need to drive to the place where the food is?

The food is at the finish line of the 16 miles and 16 + 9 miles (but different food).

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 30/09/2023 09:45

Is your husband expecting them to wait around for him? Yes that would be unreasonable

Original poster
MimsyBorogrove69 · 30/09/2023 09:46

TidyDancer · 30/09/2023 09:34

Is your DH actually expecting your friend to wait around for him? I'm not clear if this is actually what's happening or if you are spinning potential scenarios?

I'm not spinning this. We have just had the conversation. I said 16 miles fine, he can have a lift. The extra 9 - he can drive himself. He went off to parkrun in a huff. Also, I haven't even asked my friend if she can give him a lift, but I'm sure she won't mind.

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 30/09/2023 09:46

So you're all waiting to see what your husband decides? He needs to make his mind up pronto so that you and your friends can plan your day.

TidyDancer · 30/09/2023 09:49

Ah then you're definitely not being unreasonable. You've done the right thing in making things clear to him.

SomePosters · 30/09/2023 09:50

Sometimes people think the works should revolve around them

It is necessary to disillusion them at some point

ideally when they’re toddlers/preschool age as if they get to adulthood before they have to undergo the process the tantrums are even less cute than on a toddler

Original poster
MimsyBorogrove69 · 30/09/2023 09:54

cushioncovers · 30/09/2023 09:46

So you're all waiting to see what your husband decides? He needs to make his mind up pronto so that you and your friends can plan your day.

The thing is, he will decide after the 16 miles if he wants to continue. It's ridiculous. I can see us having a big argument about it. I wouldn't expect his friends to wait for me.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 30/09/2023 09:56

ChatterMonkey · 30/09/2023 09:35

If you would be happy waiting for your dp, then the friend has the option to also wait, or sort his own lift. Why are his travel arrangements so dependant on you?

My friend is driving

LookItsMeAgain · 30/09/2023 09:57

Ok - so if I understand this correctly, if he only does the same distance and you and your friend, he will manage to do it in a quicker time to you and your friend and he will have to wait until you have finished and have had some food.
However, if he does the additional distance, you might even finish together or have a short wait while you're having some food for him to finish?

How quickly does he do 16 miles in? What is the timing difference between the three of you?

Russooooo · 30/09/2023 10:02

I don’t understand what he doesn’t understand about it.

“I’m getting a lift with Claire. She will be happy to give you a lift at the time she’s leaving. If you choose to stay longer, Claire and I will have left so you’ll need to sort your own travel”

The end. Not up for discussion.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 30/09/2023 10:02

Your DP is unreasonable. You can't ask someone for a lift and tell them they might have to wait around for you!

DP should drive himself and then he can do what he wants without inconveniencing everyone else.

Photio · 30/09/2023 10:06

Yep agree with @Russooooo

"Friend and I are walking the 16 miles having food and going home. You're welcome to get a lift but if you're doing anything different then you'll be making your own way home"

Original poster
MimsyBorogrove69 · 30/09/2023 10:06

LookItsMeAgain · 30/09/2023 09:57

Ok - so if I understand this correctly, if he only does the same distance and you and your friend, he will manage to do it in a quicker time to you and your friend and he will have to wait until you have finished and have had some food.
However, if he does the additional distance, you might even finish together or have a short wait while you're having some food for him to finish?

How quickly does he do 16 miles in? What is the timing difference between the three of you?

It could, potentially be a short wait; it could also potentially be a long wait. It is an unknown. I know he will be doing all the maths and saying it will be a short wait and making me out to be unreasonable. He will definitely want the food at the end and will feel aggrieved if he misses out.

OP posts:
smallshinybutton · 30/09/2023 10:08

Can he really not not run 9 extra miles? Does he have issues around exercise?

smallshinybutton · 30/09/2023 10:09

MimsyBorogrove69 · 30/09/2023 10:06

It could, potentially be a short wait; it could also potentially be a long wait. It is an unknown. I know he will be doing all the maths and saying it will be a short wait and making me out to be unreasonable. He will definitely want the food at the end and will feel aggrieved if he misses out.

Show quote history

It's a group activity- he stays with the group. The more I read the more angry he makes me tbh. He's using your friends.

NoSquirrels · 30/09/2023 10:13

If he’ll get food either way, and if he walks quicker than you do, and you’ll be waiting where the food is - so it’s not waiting in the cold by the roadside or whatever, but waiting in a pub or similar, then I’d let him crack on IF your friend doesn’t mind.

Namerequired · 30/09/2023 10:16

So he wants to decide on the day if he does the extra miles, which will most like leave the person doing him a favour (the lift) waiting on him? He will then despite this wait, want yous to wait longer so he can get food and will be unhappy if yous want to leave at this point. Surely it’s just better all round if he drives himself, then no one is waiting and no one is rushing and no one is getting annoyed at having to do or not do something they don’t want. If he drives, what is the issue?

sodthesodoff · 30/09/2023 10:19

Is your husband always this delightful?