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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to continue ttc with my best friends upcoming abroad wedding?

48 replies

Wildon91 · 30/09/2023 03:25

We have been ttc for a few months but currently no luck yet. As the months are ticking by I’m becoming acutely aware of my friends abroad wedding next year.

We are very close and I have been asked to be part of the bridal party.

Now I’m torn as really want to be there but also I’ve never wanted anything more than to be a mum.

Deep down I have the fear I will struggle to conceive as I’ve always had very irregular cycles. So I feel selfish saying this but I really don’t want to stop ttc as I want to give us the best chances of conceiving.

AIBU to continue ttc?

OP posts:
Chocolatepopcorn · 30/09/2023 03:30

Keep trying, especially if you're older. If you're 28 you could take time off but not if you're 38.

Mamai90 · 30/09/2023 03:32

Definitely continue with TTC, it took me years and if you do come into problems you'll regret wasting all that time. Life will always get in the way so I'd prioritise TTCing over any event.

TheDogFosterer · 30/09/2023 03:45

Confused You can't plan having children around someone else's wedding. I would obviously make every effort to be there for my closest friends weddings but they shouldn't rule your life to that extent. That's madness.

GreenWheat · 30/09/2023 03:45

Definitely keep TTC. You need to put your long term family plans ahead of a single event in the life of a friend.

Summer2424 · 30/09/2023 03:49

Hi @Wildon91
Continue trying to concieve hun x

Weatherwax13 · 30/09/2023 03:50

Good grief. Absolutely continue to ttc.

Greybutterfly · 30/09/2023 04:07

I mean this kindly but if you are seriously debating stopping TTC to go to a wedding then I think you need to have a long think about whether you actually are ready for a baby and the changes that brings to your life.

user1473878824 · 30/09/2023 04:23

TheDogFosterer · 30/09/2023 03:45

Confused You can't plan having children around someone else's wedding. I would obviously make every effort to be there for my closest friends weddings but they shouldn't rule your life to that extent. That's madness.

This. Why would it have to be one or the other for a start?

pilates · 30/09/2023 04:27

Yes I would continue trying

beenwhereyouare · 30/09/2023 05:28

Keep trying. You never know which will be the winning occasion, so don't miss your opportunities.

If the situation were reversed, I bet that you would want your friend to continue.

Marmalady75 · 30/09/2023 05:35

Keep TTC! How would you feel if the wedding gets postponed or cancelled for some reason? Like you had wasted time? That you were cheated out of a possible chance? It took me years and several miscarriages to get my son and I’ve we had stopped trying every time a wedding was planned months in advance, we probably would not have had him.

SunshineAndFizz · 30/09/2023 05:39

Of course keep trying. There'll always be 'something' that's a reason not to. You can't plan your big life decisions around anyone's wedding.

CapEBarra · 30/09/2023 05:41

TTC takes priority. A wedding is one day and while it would be sad to miss it, realistically you’re putting your fertility on hold for 9 months, and that’s the last thing you should be doing if you think you might struggle to conceive.

smallshinybutton · 30/09/2023 05:43

Keep going

Softsoftsleep · 30/09/2023 05:43

Greybutterfly · 30/09/2023 04:07

I mean this kindly but if you are seriously debating stopping TTC to go to a wedding then I think you need to have a long think about whether you actually are ready for a baby and the changes that brings to your life.

I think it's a reasonable thing to wonder when you've just started ttc and everything is so uncertain, especially as the wedding is abroad. I don't think is automatically excludes someone from being ready for motherhood! I had a similar dilemma and someone told me to go along with both plans and see what happened first. I was ready for a baby but just needed someone to talk me through the logistics to confirm what I already thought.

MidnightOnceMore · 30/09/2023 05:49

TTC is the priority.

This is the thing with overseas weddings. People are entitled to have them but have to understand it means some situations will mean people can't go. Your family comes ahead of a wedding.

Littlemissweepy · 30/09/2023 06:02

Another vote for keep TTC. Pregnant women and those with young babies can attend weddings, even weddings abroad. Most weddings I have been to there has been a tiny baby or two. Seen plenty of pregnant bridesmaids too. You say you are very close so if I were you I might hold off on the month or two either side of the date if I really wanted to be there and be part of the bridal party. But no one should expect you to put your life on hold for someone else’s wedding.

Original poster
Wildon91 · 30/09/2023 08:05

Softsoftsleep · 30/09/2023 05:43

I think it's a reasonable thing to wonder when you've just started ttc and everything is so uncertain, especially as the wedding is abroad. I don't think is automatically excludes someone from being ready for motherhood! I had a similar dilemma and someone told me to go along with both plans and see what happened first. I was ready for a baby but just needed someone to talk me through the logistics to confirm what I already thought.

Show quote history

@Greybutterfly I am asking if I am unreasonable that I am choosing to carry on ttc. Not which one I should choose to do. I have already decided. That’s why I am asking for others opinions so I can gage my friends response if I were to be successful.

@Softsoftsleep thank you so much for your kind reply. That’s exactly it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wildon91 · 30/09/2023 08:10

user1473878824 · 30/09/2023 04:23

This. Why would it have to be one or the other for a start?

Show quote history

@user1473878824 it’s not one of the the other. It’s just that if I were to get pregnant in the next month then I would mean that I would be due the month of the wedding - from reading online you can’t fly 36 weeks plus and then you can’t fly until 6 weeks after the birth.

The wedding is also a 10 day affair and they want all guests to stay for the duration. So it wouldn’t be possible to attend

OP posts:
Original poster
Wildon91 · 30/09/2023 08:13

beenwhereyouare · 30/09/2023 05:28

Keep trying. You never know which will be the winning occasion, so don't miss your opportunities.

If the situation were reversed, I bet that you would want your friend to continue.

Thank you @beenwhereyouare for your reply - yes I definitely would want my friend to continue. I know in my heart that I can’t actually bring myself to stop trying for an event. It’s more to gage if I am being unreasonable and I’m likely to loose a friendship for it

OP posts:
deadassjackie · 30/09/2023 08:17

If you lose a friendship over it, that’s not on you. Good luck with conceiving:)

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 30/09/2023 08:20

I missed one of my closest friends wedding because I was heavily pregnant and in no state to travel (I couldn't walk much at all). I was really sad not to be there, but it was the right decision and my friend completely understood. She was actually pregnant herself, just a few months behind me.

Gooseysgirl · 30/09/2023 08:36

Keep TTC. I was 36 when I got married with my sister and my cousin's weddings both coming up shortly after where I was due to be bridesmaid. I love them both dearly but I was not putting off TTC for anyone - as time was not on my side! As it happened I was very lucky and got pregnant on second attempt, so ended up being pregnant at both weddings.

TheGoogleMum · 30/09/2023 08:44

When we were ttc our first I was facing a similar dilemma - not abroad but my best friend was going to have just 1 bridesmaid and it'd be me, but we were ttc and I was worried about the timings. I eventually decided that I'd have a few months break so I wouldn't be due potentially right at the wedding date and for a couple months after. We actually conceived the last month before we planned to stop for a break, and ultimately my friends wedding was called off (not because of me, they split up). We actually had a month of feeling unwell a lot the last month of ttc so we actually barely dtd and I did not expect to be pregnant, I wonder if relaxing a bit thinking it wouldn't happen that month anyway helped in a way?

I was 29 so felt like I could afford a few months break. If you are over 35 I can see that you might not want to wait.
Also I always had irregular periods too but I didn't have trouble in the end, conceived within 6 months for both my children so hopefully you'll find the same

Candleabra · 30/09/2023 08:45

Don’t put your life plans on hold for someone else’s.
(A 10 day wedding?!)