Not being able to cope with my partners stress

[Habel]

Pretty much what the subject title says.

Feel like I am at breaking point, I feel like my partner has so many issues going on inside his head and I want to help him, but how do you help someone who refuses help?
Any little thing triggers stress for him and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. He has always struggled with stress but since our little boy (just turned 1) has been born, it’s heightened massively. I understand things can be stressful when they’re so little, I’m a stay at home mum and look after him and his sister 95% of the time so I definitely get it’s stressful! And our son is, as much as I love him, very spirited shall we say?! But I get made to feel guilty for even asking to have a 5 minute shower because he is clearly stressed having to watch him, I can’t remember the last time I shaved my legs because I’m in and out that quick! But other examples of things that set him off include if anything changes from a plan he had set in his head, like we have just got back from a little trip down to Cornwall and on one of the days he had it in his head that we were going to look around some of the shops (funnily enough because HE was looking for a certain brand of t-shirt) but the children were itching to go paddle their feet in the sea but because that wasn’t part of his plan he had a stress and was walking ahead for the rest of the afternoon, which completely just killed the vibe of the day, this is obviously just one example but he is forever getting set plans in his head and everyone has to abide by it otherwise he gets stressed and isn’t fun to be around. Another thing that stresses him out is if he doesn’t go to the gym that day then he’s just a bad vibe to be around and he gets so self conscious of his image and feels like he ‘looks smaller’ if he skips just one day, which also contributed to us having a bad time away because he obviously wasn’t able to go. Same goes for if he hasn’t been able to eat enough. I definitely feel like he has a type of body dysmorphia in that aspect as he has become so obsessed. I could sit here and give so many examples of things that trigger it but I would honestly be here all day, and he isn’t awful when he gets stressed in the way that he doesn’t often shout or be horrible but it’s just such a miserable vibe and it’s honestly draining. I’m not perfect myself I know that but I’m relatively laid back and happy to go with the flow most the time, I’m quite a positive and happy person but just feel like he’s draining it out of me and I’m constantly watching what I’m doing or I’m saying because I think it’ll set him off. He has admitted he has a stress issue yet refuses any suggestions I make to try and fix the issue, we never have a laugh or have fun anymore and I just don’t know what to do moving forward. Does anyone here/anyones partners struggle with stress and can give tips?

He needs to speak to the GP and get some help (medication and/or referral for therapy). I suffer hugely from anxiety, stress and depression and recognise myself in some of your DP’s actions & reactions from when I was at my worst, but I am at least getting ongoing help and am improving.

You should not be walking on eggshells in a relationship and altering your behaviour so you don’t ‘set him off’. It’s going to be miserable for the DC as well as they will they learn they have to walk on eggshells and watch what they say and do. That’s no life tbh.

Are you sure he’s not abusing steroids or hormones if he’s that into the gym?
Regardless, it sounds horrible to live with - if he is not seeking help then I’d be planning my exit.

I think you have been boiled like a frog, OP.

Thos man sounds very messed up, abusive and controlling.

You should concentrate on you. Get some therapy and find out why you are putting up with this. If he walks ahead, you walk away.

You cannot change him or make him seek help if he doesn’t think he needs it. You can try to work around it but it’s not sustainable . All you can do is model boundaried behaviour. If gets in a tizz looking after the baby? Never mind, it’s his job as the dad to look after his child, you ignore his drama and shave your legs.

he gets in a stress about the kids wanting to paddle? Never mind. “I see changing plans is causing you some concern, I let you figure out why that is and meet you at the beach when you’re finished”.

I know this because I have been there and done this. I used to run around and try and make it better and easier for him but now I persistently let him own his own emotional responses, leave when it’s clear he can’t control his emotions and advocate for myself “I need this…” etc. it’s made a huge difference .

Oh darling, I was you. You will tie yourself in knots and nothing you will ever do will be good enough because it's not you, its him. Surround yourself with good women who will help you see straight, and make plans. Wishing you strength. There is another way xxx

Sorry OP, but he's trying to control you with his moods. He's making life miserable because he's not getting his own way. Walking on eggshells is an extremely unhappy way to live, and not fair on you or your kids. Personally, I'd give him an ultimatum, either he gets help, or you walk away with the children. Don't waste your life being miserable, as you never know what's around the corner. Think about it, if you were in an accident tomorrow and lost the use of your legs, or worse, wouldn't you regret not doing things because HE doesn't want to? Life is just too short!

I think you're unknowingly making excuses for him by calling it 'stressed' He's put that word in your head. Like the spitting his dummy out on holiday because he didn't buy his tshirt...is that stress or just being an absolute brat? It sounds like he's got 'roid rage' to me. Are you sure he's not on steroids?

It's not stress.
It's him needing to get his own way or life will be miserable for everyone.

He's high maintenance. And you put your needs aside to.please him.
But don't put your kids needs aside to please him.

Things are only nice if you do what he wants and focus on finding ways to keep him sweet.

He's kicking off extra because now there's two kids getting all the attention.
So he's huffing a lot more.

And he's a self-absorbed, selfish git who won't help you with the kids.

I was like this for a while. I was absolutely unbearable to be around because I was so stressed out and struggling with mental health, I don’t know why some of my friends/family still want to talk to me tbh.

Perhaps if you let him know how upset it makes you then it will encourage him to get help with mental health.

Why did you all have to follow him round the shops looking for a certain type of t-shirt for him? If it was that urgent couldn't he of gone himself and you and the little ones enjoy the water?

You use the word stressed but I got the impression he is being very controlling. He gets stressed after 5 mins with his son so you then have to take him? Sounds like he just doesn't want to watch him and acts up so you take over. You describe your son as a spirited child yet isn't even one yet. Surely he is just a normal infant who requires time and attention he isn't willing to give without being "stressed".

Flip this and stop worrying about him if he won't get help. Focus on you. You can't change him but you can change how you react and if you want to live like this. You are not responsible for how he chooses to respond to situations.

Sadly your children will
Copy his behaviour if left around him long enough

It will cause them significant harm and problems in later life op
If he has no coping skills then he is a dreadful role model

I'm really sorry but this sounds a lot more like a great way to control you all rather than just stress

This.

He's a controlling man who wants and expects the world to revolve around him.

He finds the kids irritating because they're getting your attention, not him.

He sulks when he doesn't get his own way.

It'll only get worse OP. Ducks in a row.

Personally I would see this as teenage behaviour/passive aggression from him more than stress. Is he pushing you into a parent role to him, where you make sensible decisions on behalf of the family, then rebelling against your decisions? Is he stressed by "conflict" and needing to learn how to cope with situations where people want different things?

It sounds to me like he needs to learn to clearly communicate his wants/needs/wishes/priorities in good time, and to listen to other people's and weigh them up together, to negotiate with the understanding that in a family no-one gets everything they want all the time, and to take responsibility for his decisions, so if he decides after discussion to stay with the family rather than go do his own shopping he needs to own that decision and be with the family trying to make the best of it not sulking a few steps ahead. And if he decides to go shopping instead he needs to deal with the effect that then has on his family relationships, find ways to balance the scale for you and the kids so he's pulling his weight overall and maintaining positive relationships.

Are you sure he’s not abusing steroids or hormones if he’s that into the gym?

This was my exact thought as I was reading. Sounds horrible.

Dump him. “Stress” is not an all purpose get out of jail free card. Its a fact of life. He needs to handle it himself or get out of your way.

Basically replace " gets stressed" with "sulks" all the way through your post.
How does he look to you now?
He's having tantrums when he doesn't get his own way. The best way to deal with tantrums is to stay calm and totally ignore. Never reward the tantrum as it makes the behaviour worse.

Steroids was my first thought.

So he is someone that needs a very clear routine. Doesn’t like a change in plan and has anxiety around their body image.
Has he always been like this?

Sounds like bullying & control to me. I think you need to have a sharp word with him. Explain that he ruins every day with his obsessive or controlling behaviour and it needs to stop or he will kill the marriage.

If you don't see any change in behaviour, make plans to leave. Get the children away from him, because he will wreck their lives too.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It sounds like this man has no motivation to change and why would he. Right now he can spend his days how he wants, dictate how you as a family spend your days and gets time to himself at the gym whenever he wants it. He’s basically created a situation where he gets a pass out of anything he doesn’t want to do (how convenient). Whether that’s because of “stress” or not I won’t comment on but whatever the cause the outcome is that he’s impacting your well-being. No one should feel that they have to tiptoe around someone and I think you should remember that children are incredibly sensitive to moods and pick up on much more than we think and will grow up learning that that is how they manage relationships, by doing as they’re told and placating people. I think you need to ask yourself some really serious questions about how much you’re willing to tolerate and what you’re happy for your children to be exposed to and then communicate your expectations of your partner. If he’s still unwilling to change then I think you know what you have to do. You and your children deserve happiness and to be able to be at peace in your own homes!

I’d bet my life he’s on steroids. He obviously also has massive issues with body dysmorphia. But the steroids are causing the ‘stress’ and mood swings

He sounds like he is highly anxious and has a really rigid idea of how things ‘should’ be, down to his need for his gym routine to be perfect and his 1 year olds behaviour to be perfect which is really unhealthy. Its really unfair that everything circles around him - he gets to go to the gym, you barely have time to shower; the kids have to put off what they want to fit around him, whereas it should be the other way round - he should be able to put his ‘T-shirt search’ off till later, rather than expecting them to be able to wait to go to the beach.

It’s impossible for you to meet his expectations, or change him and you will only make yourself miserable trying to keep him
happy.

This doesn't sound like stress to me. It could be that he is suffering from generalised anxiety - the inability to cope with the smallest change could be a symptom. Even like that he should be able to communicate clearly "I appreciate that the children would love to paddle in the water and that I can look for my t-shirt later but I found the last minute change of plan difficult to dealt with" for example. As it is he sounds emotionally immature regardless of any anxiety. His comments about his body I agree sound like body dysmorphia. All in all he is not in a good place at all.

You say he hasn't always been like this - so there is scope for improvement. He sounds clearly overwhelmed by not much at all. I suggest discussing with your gp without him (is that possible?) and then try to persuade him to go - for his sake and the whole of the family's.

It can be framed a something positive that will help him feel calm, happy and content in himself. All the issues you have mentioned are treatable - your quality of life would improve immensely as a result.

‘Stressed’ is doing a lot of heavy lifting here….controlling sound more accurate.

and agree with steroids comments above. https://www.addictioncenter.com/stimulants/steroids/symptoms-signs/