Not being able to cope with my partners stress

[Habel]

Pretty much what the subject title says.

Feel like I am at breaking point, I feel like my partner has so many issues going on inside his head and I want to help him, but how do you help someone who refuses help?
Any little thing triggers stress for him and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. He has always struggled with stress but since our little boy (just turned 1) has been born, it’s heightened massively. I understand things can be stressful when they’re so little, I’m a stay at home mum and look after him and his sister 95% of the time so I definitely get it’s stressful! And our son is, as much as I love him, very spirited shall we say?! But I get made to feel guilty for even asking to have a 5 minute shower because he is clearly stressed having to watch him, I can’t remember the last time I shaved my legs because I’m in and out that quick! But other examples of things that set him off include if anything changes from a plan he had set in his head, like we have just got back from a little trip down to Cornwall and on one of the days he had it in his head that we were going to look around some of the shops (funnily enough because HE was looking for a certain brand of t-shirt) but the children were itching to go paddle their feet in the sea but because that wasn’t part of his plan he had a stress and was walking ahead for the rest of the afternoon, which completely just killed the vibe of the day, this is obviously just one example but he is forever getting set plans in his head and everyone has to abide by it otherwise he gets stressed and isn’t fun to be around. Another thing that stresses him out is if he doesn’t go to the gym that day then he’s just a bad vibe to be around and he gets so self conscious of his image and feels like he ‘looks smaller’ if he skips just one day, which also contributed to us having a bad time away because he obviously wasn’t able to go. Same goes for if he hasn’t been able to eat enough. I definitely feel like he has a type of body dysmorphia in that aspect as he has become so obsessed. I could sit here and give so many examples of things that trigger it but I would honestly be here all day, and he isn’t awful when he gets stressed in the way that he doesn’t often shout or be horrible but it’s just such a miserable vibe and it’s honestly draining. I’m not perfect myself I know that but I’m relatively laid back and happy to go with the flow most the time, I’m quite a positive and happy person but just feel like he’s draining it out of me and I’m constantly watching what I’m doing or I’m saying because I think it’ll set him off. He has admitted he has a stress issue yet refuses any suggestions I make to try and fix the issue, we never have a laugh or have fun anymore and I just don’t know what to do moving forward. Does anyone here/anyones partners struggle with stress and can give tips?

Is there a possibility he might be autistic? It’s a bit of a cliche response on here I know, but I’m autistic myself and it was the first thing I thought when reading your post. For many autistic people, the more anxious we feel, the more need we have to control. Changes to plans can be very difficult, and small children can be very stress-inducing as they’re so unpredictable. It’s probably worth doing some reading to see if autism might fit, just in case it could explain his struggles.
For me, realising I was autistic has really helped me recognise and get a grip on my reactions. I know I need time and space (I routinely get up early in the morning to have a coffee and read before everyone gets up and starts needing stuff), and I know I can be a nightmare with last minute changes so try to pause, ground myself and roll with it (and my partner knowing I struggle helps because he is more understanding and gently teases me about it and all is fine). It sounds like your husband has no appreciation of the effect of his behaviour on you… not showing empathy is also a bit of an autistic thing. Awareness can help with this too. The eating/gym thing sounds like it could be control behaviour linked to anxiety… getting a handle on the anxiety might be the only thing that helps with this. It could be difficult talking to him, as he might perceive it as an attack and go on the defensive, but maybe start by saying you can see he’s struggling and you’re worried about him. With the showering etc, it might help if you can get a bit of a routine going - like, you always do it after breakfast or whatever, so it starts to become a pattern and everyone knows what to expect. Either way, if he’s at all open to it, it is probably worth him seeking some kind of help with the anxiety.

He sounds like my autistic partner. Things got much better for us when he figured out he was autistic (the rest of us knew but he was very angry when I first suggested it.) and he started being able to understand himself a bit better.

My first suggestion would be to stop trying to not trigger him and start putting yourself first even if it makes him grumpy. Need to shave your legs? Do it, he will be grumpy but he's grumpy all the time anyway.

Steroid abuse or anxiety - it doesn't sound great for you and the DC living with him. He has to get help asap - and follow through - so you can all feel happier, or line up your ducks! You and DC deserve a life where you're not on eggshells all the time.

I also thought autism or ocd.

But you can choose to end a relationship for any reason if it's not working for you.

Do you think returning to work is an option?

I second OCD. Or he may just be controlling with a short temper.

If he claims his abhorrent behaviour is due to stress, then he needs to do something about it. Medication or therapy. But he can't just be a dick and use his mental health as an excuse, while refusing to address the issue.

Steroids.
He doesn’t sound just stressed.
It sounds like he’s doing whatever he wants, and you’re doing absolutely everything else. It’s no way for you to live, you’re supposed to be a partnership supporting through the good and bad times. Stress isn’t an excuse to dump everything on the other partner and be as horrible to them as you like.