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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a divorce

39 replies

Amanduh · 29/09/2023 21:54

To put it bluntly, my husband punched me in the face several times and was arrested and is now on bail. He seems to think when this bail ends and he isn’t charged (which he could be but the backlog is so long) he can just waltz back in. I had black eyes for weeks. We have two children together and now he is refusing to pay the bills and mortgage etc unless I converse with him. Aibu to want a divorce? I feel terrible due to the children etc and don’t know if I should give him a second chance. Deep down I know I shouldn’t but I feel awful to change the children’s lives.

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 29/09/2023 21:56

If you let him back in I would be unsurprised if social services did not put your children in an at risk register.

You know you need to leave, for their sake if not for yours. Do you want to lose your children, or have them lose their mother?

theduchessofspork · 29/09/2023 22:00

Jesus Christ

I’m so sorry this happened to you OP, but do not let this man back into your children’s home.

Pull whatever financial info you have and go and see a solicitor to start the process of divorce. You can also ask about a restraining order and changing the locks.

Contact women’s aid if you need more support. Please please don’t let him back for everyone’s sake. He’s now piling financial abuse onto physical abuse. No one needs a man like this.

Tandora · 29/09/2023 22:01

Oh my Lord it is not in the best interests of your children to stay married to a man who punches you in the face 🥺. Please do not let him back home, for your sake and the kids. So sorry for what you have been through
x

Oldthyme · 29/09/2023 22:05

Do not let this man back into your life. WHAT might he do to you next time? Do you want to live with that risk? Do you?
Please do what it takes to get him out of your life.

oksothisisusnow · 29/09/2023 22:05

The level of violence within your home is a direct threat to your children's safety and wellbeing.

When he has punched you repeatedly in your face, he does not care who knows that he has hit you, your shared children, neighbours, friends or family. The shame of being known as an abuser of his wife is often what stops men from hitting in such obvious areas, he does not care about that.

I say this not to be over dramatic, but domestic violence incidents get worse, then worse, until women, and often times children are killed in their home.

Given that he fears no one's reaction, not family, not friends, nor police, or even that your children know what he has done to you, I would be surprised if you let him back- if you were not put into critical condition, or killed within your home in 12 months time.

You have almost broken free. Please for your children, if not for yourself, do not accept him back in.
Get all the support around you that you can, ensure that you have the best security on your home that you can have. Ensure he isn't allowed around you, and speak with social services about what should/could be done to protect your children from their father, as he is a violent man.

Wishing you all the best.

Also, don't ask, get a divorce.

fruitbrewhaha · 29/09/2023 22:07

Oh he’s done a number on you op if you have to question this at all. Relationships are hard and sometimes nuanced but there’s never a good excuse to punch your wife in the face and then be arrested. He sounds awful and the kids should be better off without him.

oksothisisusnow · 29/09/2023 22:11

Also, May I add, that the relationship modelled for children by their parents is what they go on to replicate in their adult lives.

Do you want your daughter to accept that she should grow up, and get married to a man who leaves her with black eyes?

Your son, punching his wife in the face repeatedly?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 29/09/2023 22:11

The best thing you can do for your children is leave this man. Yes it will be difficult, but it will be so much worse if you stay with him. You've done well to get this far, stay strong. Get support from any friends and family who can help. Get advice from a solicitor, and social services and the police. You may be able to get a restraining order against him. Hang in there. You will be glad you did this.

cuddlebear · 29/09/2023 22:14

Usually when there is domestic violence, SS will be informed and will tell you that you cannot expose your DC to the abuser.

Of course you should file for divorce but please make sure you are safe.

pointythings · 29/09/2023 22:27

You don't ask him for a divorce. You divorce him and set yourself free.

MrsMoastyToasty · 29/09/2023 22:29

Don't ask. Take action and engage a solicitor.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/09/2023 22:41

Yes you must get a divorce.

This is very serious domestic violence.

I don’t know why he thinks he won’t be charged - if you’ve made a statement or are going to, and there are photographs of the injuries, the police would be likely to think that the evidence is there, and there’s a strong public interest in charging him.

Poppyblush · 29/09/2023 22:42

You should get a non molestation order to keep him away from the home.

StarDolphins · 29/09/2023 22:49

Please please do not put your children through this. For you & them.

The worry & fear of your mum getting hit as a child never leaves you.

Hankunamatata · 29/09/2023 22:55

Phone womens aid and talk to someone asap

Original poster
Amanduh · 29/09/2023 22:57

I won’t let him see the children - after he was charged I said that I was not allowing contact and I won’t put my children at any sort of risk etc. He says I am being overdramatic etc. I know what he’s doing but I think it’s the fear of the future. Luckily the children didn’t see anything and don’t know anything, and I’d like it to stay that way. I just worry if he isn’t charged he can just carry on like nothing has happened.
Thank you for the replies, I’ve consulted a lawyer for tomorrow

OP posts:
Frozensun · 29/09/2023 22:58

My father punched my mother regularly as I was growing up. There are 4 of us children - all of whom as adults still carry the mental scars. What do you want for your children?

sarahc336 · 29/09/2023 23:01

A punch to the face is the tip of the iceberg op, domestic violence always escalates you must run away as fast as you can for your safety and your children's. It will not be a one off. Phone women's aid if you need advice. Do not let this man work his way back in

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 29/09/2023 23:08

You would be unreasonable not to divorce him.

DisquietintheRanks · 29/09/2023 23:39

For the love of God please don't give this man another chance to beat you to a pulp/kill you.
Your children saw you walk around with black eyes for weeks. They totally know what happened. Please don't make them live that again and again.

PickAChew · 29/09/2023 23:42

You don't ask him. You just do it before he kills you.

TwighttimeVandhuk3 · 29/09/2023 23:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 30/09/2023 00:17

Don't hesitate for even a second OP. I grew up in fear that my father would kill my mother from the age of 4, please don't let that happen to your children. DIVORCE HIM NOW and don't look back! Meanwhile take very special care of yourself and your kids. Sending a virtual hug as I know how hard this must be for you.

Original poster
Amanduh · 30/09/2023 00:38

Thank you for the messages. It just feels so hard uprooting everything. At the end of the day my priority is my children and I know that’s the end of it, so basically - that’s it!

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 30/09/2023 00:40

Where is he staying now? I'd stop speaking to him and file for a divorce right away.