To ask for a divorce

[Amanduh]

To put it bluntly, my husband punched me in the face several times and was arrested and is now on bail. He seems to think when this bail ends and he isn’t charged (which he could be but the backlog is so long) he can just waltz back in. I had black eyes for weeks. We have two children together and now he is refusing to pay the bills and mortgage etc unless I converse with him. Aibu to want a divorce? I feel terrible due to the children etc and don’t know if I should give him a second chance. Deep down I know I shouldn’t but I feel awful to change the children’s lives.

OP if you let him back it won't end. He will do it again. And again.
I've been there, and have been free for a long time. I know how hard it is to get free.
As others have mentioned, social services will have been informed. They will expect you to put the children first and that means staying away from him.
You need a solicitor asap and you need to get an emergency non molestation and occupation order before his bail ends. Otherwise he will just walk back into the house.
Monday morning you get a solicitor and go to court. Tuesday you open a claim with universal credit to help you financially.
Wednesday your life begins again. You can do this

Do not speak to him or text him. Block him and get a divorce

First of all well done for having the courage to report him. Second do not let him back, I did with ex and it got even worse and after a 3rd arrest the social gave me 2 choices leave within 24 hours or so would go into foster care. So I left and never looked back

You already know deep down what you need to do.
The children will suffer long term damage seeing this cycle over and over again. You the choice to decide what lessons you teach your children.

Lesson 1. You allow your partner to physically abuse you, allow the partner to return again and again and again. This lesson is saying to the children no matter how much someone hurts you it's okay. It's allowed because we don't question it.

Lesson 2. You stand up, you pack your bags, you stay with family or friends failing these routes, you call a women's domestic support service that will guide you and your children to safety. Will it be easy...no, will you have Independents, you and your children safe...yes. as their mother you have duty to protect them and protect yourself.

The fact this man isn't phased by authorities means this will get worse and worse as time goes on. Do you children have to witness their mother being assaulted? Beaten? Dead? ..... this is how it goes.

Do not Bury your head in the sand and thing that's not me...I'm not one of those women, this is the trap we all fall into and this is why we stay...we stay until we cannot take it anymore, the damage is to great, some of us don't make it out at all.

Do the right thing by you and your kids, get out whilst you can, pack, gather all the paperwork you need. Do what you need to do.

But do not stay, you are better than this.
If you could meet yourself now before you got married, could you honestly look yourself in the eye and say that you would marry this man...that you would allow this treatment around your children?

My words are blunt, I have been here myself, my life is so worlds apart from back then and I'm thankful I made it out and moved on. Do the right thing. I wish you all the luck you need xxx

Thank you everyone. I’ve been to see a solicitor today. I’ve changed the locks, spoken to the police for orders, and blocked him completely. I’ve gathered everything we would need if we need to leave the house. It’s hard but my children are my priority, and it gives me strength to see how many others have gone through it and come out the other side.
It may not be the same life but deep down I know it will be a better one.

Well done! You can do this. You are stronger than you think. Yes it will be a different life, but it will be a much better life for you and your children. You've already been very brave. It might help to search for some support groups for women in your situation. Lots of women have been through it and will be able to offer advice and sympathy. It's hard to see the future when the present is so difficult, but there is a better future waiting for you.

Mate.

I’ve been through similar. Though tbh mine wasn’t as violent.

It won’t be easy. And there’ll be times when you can’t pay the bills and everything seems too much. But YOU HAVE TO DO IT no matter what.

No house, no car, kids in a hostel (or whatever financially worst case scenario you can think of, honestly) STILL BETTER than living with a man that would punch you in the face.

You can do this. And you don’t need his permission to divorce. Ours just took nine months start to finish cos we just got on with it, but you should be prepared for it to take longer and be expensive.

Remember, bankruptcy, STILL BETTER than the face punching excuse for a human.

Good for you!!!

He’s staying at his Dad’s, who has also been quite verbally abusive saying it’s my own fault etc. I am starting the process, my solicitor advises not to start the divorce process until the bail and CPS decision is made, in the mean time, I’ve stopped all communication and sorted what I can. Part of his bail conditions are not to contact me or the property, so he’s broken them already, but the police aren’t particularly bothered so I don’t know if he’ll actually end up getting charged with anything.

However I’m ready for anything, a new life, anything that comes my way - I’m prepared for it and not upset anymore, just angry. I will do anything to protect my children and it seems like I’ve just had clarity that they will have a better future without him. It’s a hard and long process but I’m determined that we will be better off. Thank you for all the support

Move away. Change your surnames.. A solicitor will change them. He would have to get a judge to order them changed back.. You can and must start a new life op. Before your dc stand alongside your dead body at your funeral.

We have temporarily moved in to my parents (with access to our house to get things, pick things up etc) and he isn’t aware of this. He is banned from school etc and can’t get in to the property obviously. I doubt we will go back. Luckily everything is mostly in his name, so regarding finances I will actually probably be better off! The house is something I’ll deal with further on. We are out, we are safe, and he can’t contact us. Which I was dreading but now feel a sense of relief.
My children just think it’s a fun adventure which I’m so glad for.
I know it was the best decision.

That's great news OP! I'm so pleased to hear that you've managed to get things straight in your head, and making moves towards a new and brighter future for you and your kids. I wish you all the luck in the world, and remember, we're all here for you on MN if you need any support over the next few months. Take care of yourself.

Really pleased that you and your children are now safe OP. You've done good.

It would be worse on the kids to get back together. Do you think they didn't notice your black eyes and put two and two together?

Don't make them grow up in a home with violence.

Use this as an opportunity to get your freedom. You may regret it if you don't. All the best, you deserve much more.