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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating someone with NPD

55 replies

TheSlowRush · 29/09/2023 20:35

This is a more of WWYD. And not looking for judgements

Been on two dates with a guy and have slept with him, used recreational drugs, which in my line of work would be a sackable offence.

Has come to my attention that he has severe NPD and in the past has been a “public figure” and been incredibly vindictive when called out on his behaviour publicly, to tie point of putting someone’s life at risk.

I don’t want to see him again, and left this morning when he was unkind to me and then Googled and was a bit shocked. He video messaged me later saying he “forgives” me for leaving.

How do I end this safely? Do I block him at risk of him contacting my employer (re drug use )or as he has NPD am I irrelevant small fry to him?

Text him telling him to fuck off (incredibly nicely).

Not contact him and let it cool off naturally?

TIA

OP posts:
Nothingbuttheglory · 29/09/2023 22:06

@FedUpMumof10YO

Narcissistic personality disorder
Long term sick

Motorina · 29/09/2023 22:08

Depends on the test - you can pick cocaine up on a hair test months after.

swanteapot · 29/09/2023 22:12

I would just be tempted to ignore it or send a polite message saying you've got some personal stuff going on and prefer your space or something then leave it at that.

Save the messages and screenshots for future reference just in case.

Alicenwonderland · 29/09/2023 22:13

Hmmm. Tricky. I think I'd just block him. If he goes to your work to tell them about the drugs I think you could explain that you had two dates, realised what he was like, ended it and he's furious and bitter. If he has a public history of being like this I think work will ignore him. I'm not sure if slow fade would work with someone like him unless he thinks he's the one doing the dumping.

Elfidela1980 · 29/09/2023 22:17

is there something you could say to put him off you so it doesn’t feel like he’s been rejected. Ridiculous to have to do this but I know someone like this, they take careful management. Hopefully you’ll get clear soon.

Zola1 · 29/09/2023 22:19

So...I think I would play nice and try to phase him out for a while, be busy, be sick, be unable to see him etc. Drag it out long enough that a random drug test would be negative and then cut and run.

Wondering101 · 29/09/2023 22:34

Tell him you are looking for marriage and to move in together. This will scare him and he will then allow you to fade. Make sure you act really clingy and needy wanting to know where you stand in this "relationship" Then when he rejects you act sad and say you are suffering from a mental health issue and fade away. You have to let him believe "he" is dumping you. That way his ego will be satisfied and you won't have to worry about revenge narc behaviour.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/09/2023 22:42

Wondering101 · 29/09/2023 22:34

Tell him you are looking for marriage and to move in together. This will scare him and he will then allow you to fade. Make sure you act really clingy and needy wanting to know where you stand in this "relationship" Then when he rejects you act sad and say you are suffering from a mental health issue and fade away. You have to let him believe "he" is dumping you. That way his ego will be satisfied and you won't have to worry about revenge narc behaviour.

Edited

I agree with this sadly

DelightfullyDotty · 29/09/2023 22:43

I’d give him plenty of ‘supply’ i.e. you’re the most intelligent, witty, good looking man I’ve ever met blah blah and then say that I’m a bit of a mess both physically and mentally at this moment and wouldn’t be good company for him, he deserves better.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 29/09/2023 22:52

He'll likely have an answer for anything you say, so I think just block him
He doesn't have your address so can't turn up on your doorstep
If LTS means long term sick, then I don't think work would be chasing you for a drugs test, even if he told them.
If by any chance he turns nasty, as you've rejected him, call the police

JudyGemstone · 29/09/2023 22:58

Does he have an actual medical diagnosis of NPD from a psychiatrist?

or an internet diagnosis?

am also assuming it was cocaine you took, as that seems to be the drug of choice for narcissistic types in sexual encounters. If so it’ll be gone from your system in 48 hours or so so don’t stress about that.

MsRosley · 29/09/2023 23:17

Tell him you want to marry him asap and have his babies. That'll definitely get rid of him.

jswawsn · 29/09/2023 23:20

Unless it's weed you've smoked or you're a regular user, the drugs will be out of your system in a few days and undetectable in a urine sample.

You could just say it's a false, malicious accusation from a disgruntled date. Which is half true.

junbean · 29/09/2023 23:21

Drink a lot of water to flush your system and let it cool off naturally. I realize you only had two dates, but in a domestic violence situation the most dangerous time is when the victim is leaving. Most abusers are N so I think the same rule applies. They are so controlling. So to be safe it's best to let yourself slip away and let him get distracted by someone else. After it goes no contact for awhile then block. Hopefully this goes easy for you!

MajesticWhine · 29/09/2023 23:32

I am not sure you have any evidence he is going to do something vindictive. Let's hope not. I think a slow fade would make sense.

Efficaciou5 · 30/09/2023 00:00

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Takeabreather23 · 30/09/2023 00:19

Zola1 · 29/09/2023 22:19

So...I think I would play nice and try to phase him out for a while, be busy, be sick, be unable to see him etc. Drag it out long enough that a random drug test would be negative and then cut and run.

Exactly this !
Also if he doesn’t leave you alone or threatens you report him .

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 30/09/2023 00:23

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Yes yes, you are ver clever and far superior to us all. Congratulations!

Fallenangelofthenorth · 30/09/2023 00:54

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It's perfectly clear?

NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder
LTS - Long Term Sick

Both widely used.

OP has been on 2 dates, why would she be talking about someone else? You don't HAVE to comment on every post you know? If you are unable to understand, just scroll on by.

Fallenangelofthenorth · 30/09/2023 00:55

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 30/09/2023 00:23

Yes yes, you are ver clever and far superior to us all. Congratulations!

Show quote history

She's not THAT clever. Reading comprehension a bit lacking I thought...

pacificoceanwhale · 30/09/2023 08:15

He sounds nuts.
Can you string him along until the drugs are out of your system and then gently dump him?
Keep up friendly contact but don't meet in person. Tell him you have Covid and are isolating or that there's been a family emergency you need to attend to.

At the same time give work a heads up. Tell them you got involved with a nutter. Act like you're a bit shaken and felt they should know.

Good luck!

sonjadog · 30/09/2023 08:19

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Everyone else posting understood the OP just fine. If you personally find understanding texts difficult, how about just asking for help politely, rather than making it the OP’s problem?

RedToothBrush · 30/09/2023 08:20

Has he sent you threats or coercive messages in any way?

Remember three things:

He has a recognisable vindictive streak
He can't prove anything - as you say his word against yours - your employer has to demonstrate an issue otherwise they risk treating you unfairly
Harassment is a crime which is reportable to the police.

Do not engage with the coercion and harassment. Grey rock. Otherwise he has power and control.

He wants a reaction and rise ultimately. Keep it all formal and official and never direct with him.

Wouldyouguess · 30/09/2023 08:29

BannedfromChristmas · 29/09/2023 22:02

If his frustration Russell Brand run twice as far.

Or Laurence Fox...

Wouldyouguess · 30/09/2023 08:31

This reply has been deleted

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Do you usually struggle with reading or was it past bedtime last night?