AIBU to think this is harsh

[Aglassaday]

DD15 y11 struggles with generalised anxiety, is currently on medication and has recently had Cbt which has helped but wasn’t necessarily for her. She struggles a lot in school mentally, although has a nice small friendship group and friends in every class, her anxiety ruins it completely. She has self harmed for many years and continues to do so and is being supported through Ed psychologist in school, form tutor (who is amazing) and by myself and DH and her friends.

In school however, she can be a bit naughty, nothing awful and behaviour at her school is particularly bad, chairs being thrown at teachers that sort of thing, whereas DD is just a bit chatty and sometimes unfocused and the usual rolled up skirt, jewellery etc.

Despite outstanding school attendance, she does struggle attending and staying in lessons due to her frequent anxiety and panic attacks and walks out of lessons etc hyperventiling and crying and being under general distress. This is expected of her anxiety and Is currently under ADHD and ASD testing too. Some issues have been made with teaching staff and subsequently brought to her year team.

Her year leader however, despite being happy for the naughty chair throwing kids to come to her and deal with them all the time, making jokes with them and sharing sweets, I feel is being a bit harsh on DD. She had told DD to sort it out and has asked “have you tried staying in lesson?” When it is clear DD only left because she was having an intense panic attack.

Today, after going to year leader unable to stay in her English lesson due to a servere panic attack, DD went to her year leader, following the advice she was told by YL to come to her if she can’t stay in a lesson due to anxiety.

YL then decided she has had enough and even though DD followed what she was told to do, started lashing out at DD saying it’s not fair every other student has to go to lesson but DD doesn’t go (due to her high functioning anxiety). Bear in mind a group of popular naughty kids who had been kicked out their classroom were sat in YL’s classroom laughing and sat on their phones eating sweets. YL then proceeded to say INFRONT of the other kids, I don’t think schools for you, you need to consider dropping out!

DD, already upset burst into another round of tears and cried again when she came home. She has strong plans for college, university and career and is predicted to get all 11 GCSEs at grades 7-9

AIBU to think her year leader is being too harsh and to be upset by this?

Please comment your thoughts and be kind with your comments

Throwing chairs at 15 is not 'naughty'. It's a serious problem.

Chairs being thrown at teachers? Yeah that's not naughty, that's extreme behaviour problems.

Sorry! I thought it was DD throwing chairs. It must be a tough environment for her if that's what's going on. (Sorry, no advice 😔)

@Chickenkeev I know, the school has been known for behavioural issues but I was still shocked when DD came home and told me (on numerous occasions) that X had tried to throw a chair at the teacher!

It's not OPs DD throwing the chairs

I assume there's no other school to go to? That place sounds nuts.

Haha no worries, we’re all tired it’s been a long week!
Just to clarify for future readers, DD has not thrown chairs at teachers, whereas several of her peers have

@Chickenkeev sadly not. We didn’t want her to go there in the first place due to its reputation, despite having OFSTED “good” but we weren’t in the catchment for any others. DD is year 11 now so moving to a different school would not help her anxiety at all and also would be inconvenient with different schools offering different exam boards etc

You should probably ask the senior member of about it before you commit to it being harsh, as you should in any scenario you only hear one side of.
It isn't impossible that someone in the middle of a panic attack might not remember a conversation in exactly the same way as the other party. Especially a teenager (even without a panic attack).

I agree the YL seems not to be helping your DD. I'd ask for a meeting with someone more senior to ask for help with this.

YL then proceeded to say INFRONT of the other kids, I don’t think schools for you, you need to consider dropping out! If this is true, it's very serious and needs escalating.

Soŕry, am not fully au fait with the lingo as am not UK but basically you can't move her then? That is tough, am trying to think of a third way but nothing popping up rn. Apart from home school. And that's nit suitable for moat people.

Sorry for the spelling 🙁

Thanks @AuntMarch , I will be speaking to DD’s form tutor on Monday about this. We’ve had repeated issues with this year leader, with her refusing to pass on vital information about DD to teachers (understandable, as I know teachers have a lot on their plates, in addition to losing several doctors notes of DDs and DDs friends) and in general she hasn’t been nice to DD so I’m upset but not surprised that she said that to DD though of course will ask for statements from the other children in the room and be speaking to SLT

Could you homeschool for the last year? If she’s bright then I’m sure she would be able to pass her GCSEs

@Chickenkeev thank you, that is correct. We thought about home school but sadly we don’t have the time with both myself and DP working full time

I wouldn't take your DD's word for exactly how this conversation went down

Current advice is to manage anxiety by not shying away from triggers and instead finding techniques to stay in class. Sounds like teacher is trying a bit of tough love which may not be helpful but sometimes a habit forms and it’s really really hard to break that cycle. We all have to do things we don’t want to do and yes, it’s incredibly disruptive to the whole class when your dd ups and leaves so there’s a wider impact than just on dd.

i would be trying to support dd in techniques to build her resilience at this point and acknowledge her feelings by focusing on how she can manage them.

I’m sorry there’s not more support from the school. Try and find out what they would like to happen to get through the next few months. Good luck.

@Dramatic completely understand this and of course will be investigating further with the school.
However, as DD’s mum and legal guardian it is my duty to help her however she needs and to give her love, trust and support through everything and so I will always believe her, and be there for her no matter what and she knows she can come to me about anything. It goes without saying that she knows if she was to make an allegation as such and it was not true what she came home crying to me about, then there would be serious consequences and she is aware of this but for now I am going to do my absolute best in loving and supporting her

It’s probably worth looking on the SEN boards for accommodations for your DD - maybe a reduced timetable or some kind of 1-1 tuition.

@TeenLifeMum thank you for your kind words and advice, I really appreciate it. In addition to finding out what has gone wrong with the year leader, I do in general want to meet with the school about how we can support DD together (something I have requested numerous times but year leader has refused to)

It sounds a really stressful environment with chairs being thrown around etc. If that was going on at home there would be concerns about safeguarding.
Is her anxiety around school? Or more general? If she is a sensitive sort thats’s bound to put her on edge and into a state of high alert - or anxiety.
It’s difficult at this point in year 11 because moving is going to impact her too much but I wonder whether it is the right environment for her.
Is she moving to a better environment post 16? That level of behaviour isn’t ok in school.

It goes without saying that she knows if she was to make an allegation as such and it was not true

It's not so much about her "making it up" but the more likely possibility that in a state of heightened emotions she misunderstood or intuited meaning that wasn't there and is now misremembering based on that perception. It's common and happens to us all.

It is valid to question what happens if she instead stays in class and lets the anxiety peak and fall. The body can only physically sustain a state of extreme anxiety for a limited period - it would end even if she stayed in the lesson. Part of living with anxiety disorders is learning that you can survive and ride out that wave while it burns out.

Walking out of class every time she feels overwhelmed is not necessarily helpful in the long run as it becomes self-reinforcing and keeps the anxiety going.

I realise that's a difficult point to listen to and perhaps it was not made as sensitively as you might have liked, but that doesn't make it less valid.

Just to throw another homeschool hat in the ring-at her age, her learning would be more under her control then and might even have a positive benefit with her anxiety

@Findyourneutralspace shes not the sort of person to struggle from anxiety, although can be sensitive she is very outgoing and chatty. It isn’t just school where her anxiety is bad but I imagine it’s heightened at school as she doesn’t view it as a “safe” environment anxiety wise

@user1846385927482658 she only walks out of lessons as she has been given an exit card to do so by her yearleader, which I am starting to feel has become a bit of a crutch she relies on though I think we currently have bigger issues to deal with