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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think one day a week isn’t enough?

50 replies

smoox · 29/09/2023 19:04

My 1 year old last saw her dad on Monday, she won’t be seeing him again until next Saturday/Sunday.

She only started seeing him again 1 month ago after him being absent for around 8 months - so still hardly knows him/doesn’t have a bond. I started back to work full time so she is in daycare Monday-Friday (which I pay for) but I’m now only seeing her at the weekend, I guess it’s kinda selfish but I want to spend that time with her when I’m off work. He works shifts so he usually gets at least one weekday off every week but is making no effort with her.

He’s horrible, cheated on me when I was pregnant, emotionally/financially abusive, told me last month he didn’t give a fuck about our daughter & constantly loses her things and never bothers to replace them- I’ve to bear the cost of that along with everything else (£20 a week maintenance only gets you so much lol).

I don’t see how a few hours a week is beneficial to our daughter. I’ve tried my best to promote a relationship between them for our daughters sake but now I think he’s taking the piss. He’s not even a good role model and I regret letting him back into her life.

OP posts:
Original poster
smoox · 29/09/2023 19:06

Just realised I didn’t ask anything lol, is a couple of hours a week enough to build a bond? should I stop trying? will it do more damage to our daughter by only seeing her dad fleetingly?

OP posts:
scrantonelectriccity · 29/09/2023 19:06

He wouldn't be seeing her if I were you

Original poster
smoox · 29/09/2023 19:10

@scrantonelectriccity i don’t see the benefit in it to be honest. might just block his number lol

OP posts:
KeepTheTempo · 29/09/2023 19:17

Does he truly mean it about 'not giving a fuck about her'? If so, I'd call it all off. If it was meant to hurt you, or before he'd met her, but he's caring more that's different.

Sounds like he was a shit partner to you and still a poor dad, but so long as he's adequate at the basics for her (on time, sober, not neglectful or abusive), then all the evidence says she'll still do better for seeing him regularly than having no dad in her life. Him disappearing tells her a story about her lack of value - it also makes it a lot riskier if in future anything happens to you.

If he does actually care for her, ideally you could sort it so, he has a regular day a week or night a fortnight - good for her and your routine and also means he should be liable to pay for nursery on that day.

If not, then yes probably better to cut the cord.

CathyAnne91 · 29/09/2023 19:23

Not enough? Sounds like too much to me. My DD’s Dad is exactly the same, I used to push and try to encourage a relationship between them, but then I realised that a disinterested revolving door Dad is MUCH more damaging than no Dad at all.

It’s hard, I know. Sending you love x

Original poster
smoox · 29/09/2023 19:23

@KeepTheTempo she was sat on his knee when he said to- it made me feel sick. He basically said he had no bond with her so didn’t take me to court for contact as he didn’t give a fuck about her. I stopped contact due to drug concerns - he promised not to smoke when she’s with him but it still doesn’t sit right with me.

it’s a tricky one because I know nothing about what goes on when she’s in his care and she obviously can’t tell me because she can’t speak. handover is very sharp and abrupt, ‘she’s been good today’ and that’s all that’s said most of the time, so I’m not actually sure she’s being cared for properly. On Monday he managed to lose her dummy, comfort teddy bear and hasn’t returned her outfit.

OP posts:
Original poster
smoox · 29/09/2023 19:24

@CathyAnne91 does your DD still see her dad? X

OP posts:
Namerequired · 29/09/2023 19:27

He’s only back in her life and you are giving him unsupervised contact? He’s a stranger. Who doesn’t care about her in his own words.

CathyAnne91 · 29/09/2023 19:28

Nope. She was a flower girl at his wedding when she was 5, she hasn’t seen him since and she’s 9 now. It took me too long to realise that her being a flower girl was a photo op only and for him to play the Dad role for the benefit of his fam.

But! I have a well rounded happy 9 year old and that’s what matters. Kids pick up in vibes and atmospheres, if he’s had the audacity to say he doesn’t care while she’s sat on his knee… it doesn’t sound like it would be much of a loss, right? Xx

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 29/09/2023 19:28

Stop contact and ring cms, £20 a week is a joke especially if he's working shifts

Original poster
smoox · 29/09/2023 19:30

@CathyAnne91 sickening! I’m so glad to hear your daughter is thriving without him x

OP posts:
LifesShortTalkFast · 29/09/2023 19:32

she was sat on his knee when he said to- it made me feel sick. He basically said he had no bond with her so didn’t take me to court for contact as he didn’t give a fuck about her. I stopped contact due to drug concerns

It's hard to see any benefit to your daughter in seeing a man who "doesn't give a fuck about her" by his own admission. Plus you have drug/safety concerns. He sounds horrible and why should your baby be exposed to that?

CathyAnne91 · 29/09/2023 19:33

Thank you! Yours will as well, believe me :) xx

theduchessofspork · 29/09/2023 19:36

I wouldn’t make any effort to promote contact. It’s not good for her to see a father who ‘doesn’t give a fuck about her’ is it?

Send him a bi-annual email with some photos. If he ever becomes less of an arsehole you can let him back into her life slowly.

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 29/09/2023 19:37

Little and often works well

So yes, I think that schedule is ok

LifesShortTalkFast · 29/09/2023 19:39

To add to my previous post...

I grew up with a father who I seriously doubt had any "loving" feelings towards any of his children. My mother wanted to keep the family together "for the sake of the children".🙄

I spent a lot of my young life (into early adulthood) wondering what was wrong with me that my own father couldn't love me? It's a recipe for insecurity and poor self esteem. Sometimes no father in the picture is the best choice.

Original poster
smoox · 29/09/2023 19:41

@LifesShortTalkFast thats my biggest fear. I suffer from low self esteem, it was so bad during my pregnancy because of him but it’s slowly improving. I definitely want to do my best to protect my daughter from that. Sorry to hear that’s how you felt with your dad, I hope you know now that nothing was wrong with you xx

OP posts:
Original poster
smoox · 29/09/2023 19:42

@MatthewsMumFromTikTok i agree that little and often is best but I don’t really think weeklong breaks between contact is often enough x

OP posts:
caringcarer · 29/09/2023 19:44

He said he didn't give a fuck about DD and she was sitting on his knee, he's a drug abuser and smoker and you ask if a few hours a week is enough for contact. I'd say it's a couple of hours too much. How can you let your little DD be with that horrible man? Keep her safely away from him. Maybe an odd photo would be enough for him.

Bananas1350 · 29/09/2023 19:44

I worked in nurseries for 25 plus years. Wee never allowed any child to attend one day a week. Never settle in and the length in between was too long. It’s the same here.

Original poster
smoox · 29/09/2023 19:47

@caringcarer i know I feel wick for allowing it. people were telling me it’s in her best interest to at least know her dad so I tried to accommodate

OP posts:
Neverintime · 29/09/2023 19:57

Tell him that contact isn't working, as the sporadic contact is unsettling her and you don't feel comfortable leaving her with what she considers a stranger. Offer him regular, supervised contact to build a bond with her. If he says no, leave him to it. If he genuinely wants contact he can take you to court.

Hunsmet · 29/09/2023 19:58

smoox · 29/09/2023 19:42

@MatthewsMumFromTikTok i agree that little and often is best but I don’t really think weeklong breaks between contact is often enough x

Good God. One minute per week of unsupervised contact is too much in this situation.

ExtraOnions · 29/09/2023 20:02

Who was saying it was in her “best interests” … how can it be in her best interests to have a drug addled stranger wander back into her life?
it’s not your job to promote this relationship, it’s on him … you have a great relationship with her, just focus on that.

Uggtrending · 29/09/2023 20:07

You need to go through CMS. I'm not sure what to say.... your baby is still young so I'm not sure I would let my DD go if she isn't being looked after properly? Is that what you are saying OP?

If it is let him take you to court for contact!