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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think one day a week isn’t enough?

50 replies

smoox · 29/09/2023 19:04

My 1 year old last saw her dad on Monday, she won’t be seeing him again until next Saturday/Sunday.

She only started seeing him again 1 month ago after him being absent for around 8 months - so still hardly knows him/doesn’t have a bond. I started back to work full time so she is in daycare Monday-Friday (which I pay for) but I’m now only seeing her at the weekend, I guess it’s kinda selfish but I want to spend that time with her when I’m off work. He works shifts so he usually gets at least one weekday off every week but is making no effort with her.

He’s horrible, cheated on me when I was pregnant, emotionally/financially abusive, told me last month he didn’t give a fuck about our daughter & constantly loses her things and never bothers to replace them- I’ve to bear the cost of that along with everything else (£20 a week maintenance only gets you so much lol).

I don’t see how a few hours a week is beneficial to our daughter. I’ve tried my best to promote a relationship between them for our daughters sake but now I think he’s taking the piss. He’s not even a good role model and I regret letting him back into her life.

OP posts:

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 29/09/2023 20:09

@Hunsmet calm down.... this kind of situation leaves me wanting to hear his side of the story

Op has been SEEKING the contact

If he's that bad or dangerous kind of begs the question as to why she has allowed it...all unsupervised?

M as led me wonder..

Sunshinenrain · 29/09/2023 20:13

How often would you like him to see her?

Do you think he should see her during the week and weekends?

Have you spoken to him about seeing her for just an hour or 2 mid week and then again on the weekend, so it’s the same length of time but spread out more.

I’m a bit confused about what you want.

You say you want him to see her more and that going a week without seeing her is too long, so so you want more contact.
But then you also say about blocking him etc. which is going to make contact difficult.

Uggtrending · 29/09/2023 20:16

@MatthewsMumFromTikTok exactly!

hot2trotter · 29/09/2023 20:30

Struggling to understand why you'd want him to see her (unsupervised!) more often?? I wouldn't be letting her go anywhere with him.

Original poster

smoox · 29/09/2023 20:35

I guess it’s guilt that I’m responsible for him being her dad, I desperately want him to be a good dad but deep down I know he isn’t. I don’t want her to miss out on having a father figure, I desperately want him to change and be better but it’s not looking likely.

ive asked him for little and often but he can’t commit to that, I can see now he can’t be a good dad to her and as shitty as it makes me feel I just want to get rid of him

OP posts:

PandaExpress · 29/09/2023 20:37

I'd text him asking why he said he didn't give a fuck about her, so you hopefully have his response as evidence. Even if he just says sorry, its his admission of saying you want. Then I'd stop him seeing her and don't ask for anymore money.

Zanatdy · 29/09/2023 20:40

Well he’s got to start somewhere and once a week is ok to start with. You’d be hoping he would build this up over time. Blocking him is ridiculous as this is your child’s father. Denying her a relationship with him you will have to explain to her one day and saying you blocked him as you didn’t feel it was enough time even though it had only been a matter of weeks wouldn’t wash with me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/09/2023 20:41

So get rid. Children can understand younger than they can say. So him saying he doesn't give a fuck, when she's on his lap, is dreadful. He needs to be done now.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/09/2023 20:42

Zanatdy · 29/09/2023 20:40

No matter how terrible the father is?

A drug addict who doesn't give a fuck about her? Better than no dad? I don't think so.

Original poster

smoox · 29/09/2023 20:43

@PandaExpress dont ask for money?

@Zanatdy it started off as 2/3 times a week for like 2 weeks then dropped to 2 now it’s dropped to 1 :/

OP posts:

Birch101 · 29/09/2023 21:17

Be a good mum and protect your baby from someone who doesn't sound like they should be around her.

P.s. father's are more than blood and a sperm sample, so when your ready to start dating look at someone who will provide an excellent and caring role model for your child, so she knows what it is to have a partner and to aim for in future relationships.

That will be how you you do the right thing for her, having respect for yourself and her.
If he wants to actually to be a part of her life he should fight to be worthy.

PandaExpress · 29/09/2023 21:21

@smoox I don't know, it just feels like it's a lot of trouble for £20 a week. From what you've said, he doesn't seem fit to spend time with your DD and if he's going to give her daddy issues and insecurities, I would just want him out of her life completely. So if the £20 is going to make him feel entitled to see her and play daddy when he feels like it, I'd just cut all contact. Unless you go down the legal route and make it all official, that will be a different situation.

caringcarer · 29/09/2023 21:57

smoox · 29/09/2023 19:47

@caringcarer i know I feel wick for allowing it. people were telling me it’s in her best interest to at least know her dad so I tried to accommodate

She will be better off without him.

RoomOfRequirement · 29/09/2023 22:00

I was the child in this situation years ago and I just want to say - fuck him. Useless pathetic parents don't deserve to be in their lives. I was 1000% happier without him in my life. The 'it's better for kids to know their father' BS is propaganda spread by the useless father coalition, and only is true when the father is kind and loving. Abusive shit parents are NOT good for children. He can fight the courts if he wants to.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 29/09/2023 22:24

If my child was that young I would be first of all letting him see her with one of my parents/friends also present in my home so he does not start on you and to see that he is capable of looking after her and I would not be handing her over at such a young age. Where is he taking her? Is he using drugs etc. He has to prove that he will stick to a plan and if he can do this supervised contact then take it from there but I would need to know where he is going with the child. What about his family, are they reliable, his mum and dad perhaps, if he sticks to a few months of supervised contact and is capable of looking after her and maybe random drugs tests then if his parents are reliable he could see the child at their house. I would not be handing over such a small child to him to look after. But if he can prove that he wants to really see her take it visit by visit.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 29/09/2023 22:27

Also agree with poster who said you should let him see her as at least then when you child is older she cannot throw it in your face that you stopped her dad seeing her. No matter what happened between you and him that should not affect the child/parent relationship. If supervised access is best then organize that and take it from there but up to him that he sticks to the visits.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 29/09/2023 22:29

Also once a week is fine and no reason to block him. Give him a chance to prove himself as a dad as this is not about you and his history but about trying to build a relationship between them and doing the best for her but I would do supervised access at first if concerned about drugs etc.

cestlavielife · 29/09/2023 22:34

Where does she sleep monday to friday ? Can you get back to be with her in evenings? Do you not see her at all mid week? Where does she sleep?/ wake up?

she is in daycare Monday-Friday (which I pay for) but I’m now only seeing her at the weekend

And she doesnt need to see him if he usnt interested

LittlePlumTree · 29/09/2023 22:39

Wish my ex would see the children one day a week, he hasn’t seen them since the start of may.

glossypeach · 29/09/2023 22:43

I can relate so much to you. My child’s dad was abusive, cheated on me when I was pregnant also and pays bare minimum maintenance because he’s self employed. He also CHOSES to have him bare minimum time. This is every other friday-Sunday but it’s from 7pm on a Friday to 10am on a Sunday so it’s not even the full weekend.

to everyone saying ‘get rid’, if it gets taken to court they will likely get a court order of every other weekend and mid week contact as the standard. It doesn’t matter if they’re abusive or half arsed parents - the courts really don’t care and in their minds they see a dad turn up to court and give them everything that they want all because they’re present. Heck, my ex failed multiple drug tests (c*) and they still gave him contact unsupervised.

Op I would use the grey rock method when it comes to ‘co parenting’. It’s awfully hard co parenting with an abuser and a half arsed parent and you get put in situations where you have to compromise your own mental well-being for the well-being of your child and it’s the hardest thing in the world. But it will get easier I promise.

thelengthspeoplegoto · 29/09/2023 22:47

Do you have family around you op? Any support?

Dibbydoos · 29/09/2023 22:57

Record him saying he doesn't give a shit about her.

Then end his contact and enjoy your time with your lovely DD.

He can shove his £20 a week where the sun don't shine. What a pathetic excuse of a human.

MsRosley · 29/09/2023 23:13

I'm not sure why you even need to think about this, OP. This man does not deserve contact with his daughter and she'll be better off without him.

Nicole1111 · 29/09/2023 23:19

As much as you might have wanted to promote a relationship I would think carefully about putting a non verbal child who can’t talk to you about any worries she might have in to a situation with someone who has been abusive and misused substances in the past and who is open about not having a bond with her. Who knows how he might respond if she was really testing him given that he’s willing to say he doesn’t care about her while holding her. As an absolute minimum if you want the contact to continue I’d be demanding it was supervised, either by a trusted family member or friend, or by a private contact centre which he could fund.

Rainbowqueeen · 30/09/2023 06:56

Claim cms

stop trying. Let him do all the running. It sounds like he won’t. Great result.

Your DD needs the people in her life to live her, care for her and want the best for her. They don’t need to be related to her. Focus on the people in your life who provide that for her. And also focus on building up your own self esteem. You are DDs role model. Be the best you can.

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