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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think aibu, OH agrees - but would you do the same?

50 replies

sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 29/09/2023 15:31

My DS is 9 and just started yr 5.
I am generally pretty no nonsense when it comes to his attendance, I have to be as we both work full time and not only do I not want DS education to suffer, its a bugger to take time off.

however.
I cannot take any leave over the oct half term and OH refuses to take DS anywhere (anxiety issues and general not the default parent behaviour - this is a whole other thread for another time) so I know the poor child will end up doing a whole lot of nothing while I work. I feel crap about that but it is what will happen.
I have however, got a couple of days off next week. Originally I wanted to take DS on a long weekend beach holiday to Spain but its a bit out of my price range and OH isn't happy about missing out. So I have parked it.

I am still wanting to do something with DS. Am I being ridiculous to take him out of school for this? I am not sure what "this" is yet. I am thinking maybe a night in a hotel and then a visit to a living museum like Beamish or even somewhere like Alton towers or Chessington.

I also think it might be worth mentioning that DS NEVER gets the chance to go on school trips. His is a CofE school and the only place they go is to the church and maybe 1 theatre trip to a panto. I am not exaggerating when I say that in 5 years at the school he has only been on 1 actual trip.

I feel like I might be using that as justification for my (as OH puts it) selfishness and disregard for the rules. I suspect he might be right but I am not sure I care?

WWYD?

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 29/09/2023 15:33

Why can’t you and DS have days on out weekends? Also why can’t you put him in a holiday club during half term? Or his dad can interact with him at home, they don’t have to go out.

ASCCM · 29/09/2023 15:35

I wouldn’t take my kid out of school to go on a trip for no other reason than I wanted a trip or to make myself feel less guilty for not being off in the half term.

Original poster
sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 29/09/2023 15:36

TeaKitten · 29/09/2023 15:33

Why can’t you and DS have days on out weekends? Also why can’t you put him in a holiday club during half term? Or his dad can interact with him at home, they don’t have to go out.

His dad will interact at home, I know they don't have to. I want to spend time with him and weekends aren't easy due to other things on the calendar which is why I am looking at my leave days as options

No half term clubs here unfortunately

OP posts:
Alargeoneplease89 · 29/09/2023 15:36

I'm strict about school but have on occasions taken my children out to do things, my children have never been behind and always top sets and I would never do this, now they are in high school but yeah I would.

Tbh I don't think your OH can moan as he's the reason why you are considering this.

Jellycatspyjamas · 29/09/2023 15:37

Is OH your son’s dad? If so I’d be asking him how he plans to entertain his own child while he’s off school assuming he has time off work. When you’re a parent you sometimes need to put your own stuff to one side and get on with it.

Anontocomment · 29/09/2023 15:37

First off - is there any way at all you can move your leave to half term, of have an agreement to do half days for part of it?

Second: your OH needs to get his finger out. Yes, he has anxiety but it doesn't give you a free pass to duck out of all childcare (& I say that as someone who has had two mental breakdowns in the last 20 years and battled to try to stay involved in childcare).

IF neither (1) nor (2) are possible, or there is some leeway for a day or two in the week, could you pair up with some other parents in the same boat to cover half-term? We used to share with 3 of my DD's friends through nursery & juniors; yes, you had 4 kids but it was usually 4 kids 1 day a week so easier to plan.

As to the 'long weekend' plan: only you know how the school will react. But a one-off is the same as a period of ill health. As long as he catches up he should be fine.

Good luck.

margotrose · 29/09/2023 15:39

Your DH needs to get a grip - and I say that as someone who also has anxiety.

His son comes first. He needs to pull his finger out and do things with him over the holidays.

I wouldn't be taking DS out of school to compensate for his shit dad, though.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2023 15:42

Why are you tolerating this nonsense from your partner? He can't take him anywhere? I bet he manages to get to places he wants to go.

Muchonachomiamigo · 29/09/2023 15:48

Your DH sounds like a crap father. Not taking his son out? Is he really going to make him sit in the house for a week? Why is he anxious about taking him out alone?

Anxiety is no excuse for that I'm afraid. His childs well being should come first.

Imnoonesfool · 29/09/2023 15:49

I would take my son out for a day he’s year 5 not about to take his GCSEs

Original poster
sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 29/09/2023 15:50

Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2023 15:42

Why are you tolerating this nonsense from your partner? He can't take him anywhere? I bet he manages to get to places he wants to go.

He doesn't go anywhere. He works from home and only leaves the house if he absolutely has to.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 29/09/2023 15:54

margotrose · 29/09/2023 15:39

Your DH needs to get a grip - and I say that as someone who also has anxiety.

His son comes first. He needs to pull his finger out and do things with him over the holidays.

I wouldn't be taking DS out of school to compensate for his shit dad, though.

This.

What treatment has your H sought for his medical problem?

BaronessBomburst · 29/09/2023 15:54

I would. He'll gain far more from two days away with his mum than he'll miss in school. Besides, the school work can be caught up, one to one time with you can't.
Maybe DH could focus on a school related project with him during half term? That way he gets time interacting with his dad, DH doesn't have to leave the house if it's that big a problem, and you can fill in the enormous academic hole caused by missing two days. <rolls eyes>

GingerIsBest · 29/09/2023 15:55

wait wait, he doesn't leave the house so you have to do any and all activities with DS out of th house BUT you also can't go on holiday because then OH would miss out!?

And what is he doing to manage this anxiety and to try to reduce the impact on his life, as well as the impact on your life and your DS' life?

I don't think that two days away is going to make him feel any better about the fact that he's stuck at home for half term because his dad can't be bothered to sort himself out. The best way to manage half term is surely to arrange holiday clubs, or childcare swaps with friends - your (useless) DH has your DS and his buddy, at home for a day and your DS goes to the other house (or out with the friend) another day.

having said that, if you have a great opportunity and you really want to do it, I don't think taking a day out will do any harm. I took DD out for a half day a few months ago as we were going for a weekend away and I needed to get to the airport etc.

ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere · 29/09/2023 15:58

Yes. Do it. Your child is not in prison, one or 2 days out will make no difference over 12 years of school.

It's not as though schools (although perhaps not yours by the sound of it) don't do social things that take time away themselves - plays, sportsday, end of term movies/parties etc.

Ragwort · 29/09/2023 15:59

What do you at weekends that are so important that you can't take your DS somewhere? I wouldn't take my DC out of school just for a 'nice trip'.

Original poster
sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 29/09/2023 16:02

GingerIsBest · 29/09/2023 15:55

wait wait, he doesn't leave the house so you have to do any and all activities with DS out of th house BUT you also can't go on holiday because then OH would miss out!?

And what is he doing to manage this anxiety and to try to reduce the impact on his life, as well as the impact on your life and your DS' life?

I don't think that two days away is going to make him feel any better about the fact that he's stuck at home for half term because his dad can't be bothered to sort himself out. The best way to manage half term is surely to arrange holiday clubs, or childcare swaps with friends - your (useless) DH has your DS and his buddy, at home for a day and your DS goes to the other house (or out with the friend) another day.

having said that, if you have a great opportunity and you really want to do it, I don't think taking a day out will do any harm. I took DD out for a half day a few months ago as we were going for a weekend away and I needed to get to the airport etc.

Good suggestions, thank you. i do have a few friends I could do this with so I will put it to them.

Yes I do any and all activities. He has never sought help.
I am currently building an escape route.

OP posts:
NewName122 · 29/09/2023 16:02

Yes yabu. Your DH needs help as he is obviously not OK and this effects your child. How long has he been in such a poor state for?

Sittingonabench · 29/09/2023 16:06

Beamish is great and still educational - so I would feel better doing something like that on a school day and badging it up as an educational trip.

Ace56 · 29/09/2023 16:09

Glad to hear you are planning an escape route from your DH. It’s not acceptable for him to just opt out of parenting and family life due to his anxiety if he’s doing nothing to try and fix it. You might as well be a single parent!

I would take your son away for a weekend in half term so at least he has something exciting planned for the week. Friday night to Sunday?

Poloqet · 29/09/2023 16:09

I don’t think you are being unreasonable whatsoever. Spend the time with your boy and have fun. Life really is too short. He will be able to catch up the work he has missed.

tuvamoodyson · 29/09/2023 16:09

…and yet he didn’t want to miss the trip to Spain??

Original poster
sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 29/09/2023 16:13

tuvamoodyson · 29/09/2023 16:09

…and yet he didn’t want to miss the trip to Spain??

apparently thats different because we would be together

OP posts:
carpool · 29/09/2023 16:16

To those saying your DH just needs to get a grip or pull his finger out this is not so easy for those with severe mental health problems. I know someone like this who never leaves the house unless he absolutely has to (think medical appointments etc. ) His wife has to do everything to do with their small children, school, clubs, days out with luckily for her quite a bit of help from her parents, so the kids don't miss out much, but obviously he misses out massively. His mental health issues are largely due to an abusive childhood and he accepts all the help available but NHS mental health services are limited in what they can do, Covid times definitely didn't help and this has now been the situation for several years.

Iateitallofit · 29/09/2023 16:18

@sundaydayisnotmyfundayday your selfishness?! Wtf! HE won’t take his son to do fun things, HE sulks if you want to take your son on holiday because he’s left out, but YOU are the selfish one?! Fuck that! What a dick head.

Take your son to Alton towers (and the water park and hotel!) and tell him to fuck right off. He won’t fail his GCSE’s because he misses 2 days of primary school.

Selfish my arse.

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