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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think aibu, OH agrees - but would you do the same?

50 replies

sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 29/09/2023 15:31

My DS is 9 and just started yr 5.
I am generally pretty no nonsense when it comes to his attendance, I have to be as we both work full time and not only do I not want DS education to suffer, its a bugger to take time off.

however.
I cannot take any leave over the oct half term and OH refuses to take DS anywhere (anxiety issues and general not the default parent behaviour - this is a whole other thread for another time) so I know the poor child will end up doing a whole lot of nothing while I work. I feel crap about that but it is what will happen.
I have however, got a couple of days off next week. Originally I wanted to take DS on a long weekend beach holiday to Spain but its a bit out of my price range and OH isn't happy about missing out. So I have parked it.

I am still wanting to do something with DS. Am I being ridiculous to take him out of school for this? I am not sure what "this" is yet. I am thinking maybe a night in a hotel and then a visit to a living museum like Beamish or even somewhere like Alton towers or Chessington.

I also think it might be worth mentioning that DS NEVER gets the chance to go on school trips. His is a CofE school and the only place they go is to the church and maybe 1 theatre trip to a panto. I am not exaggerating when I say that in 5 years at the school he has only been on 1 actual trip.

I feel like I might be using that as justification for my (as OH puts it) selfishness and disregard for the rules. I suspect he might be right but I am not sure I care?

WWYD?

OP posts:

Iateitallofit · 29/09/2023 16:21

carpool · 29/09/2023 16:16

To those saying your DH just needs to get a grip or pull his finger out this is not so easy for those with severe mental health problems. I know someone like this who never leaves the house unless he absolutely has to (think medical appointments etc. ) His wife has to do everything to do with their small children, school, clubs, days out with luckily for her quite a bit of help from her parents, so the kids don't miss out much, but obviously he misses out massively. His mental health issues are largely due to an abusive childhood and he accepts all the help available but NHS mental health services are limited in what they can do, Covid times definitely didn't help and this has now been the situation for several years.

That’s fine- mental illness is real, but he doesn’t get to tell op what she can and can’t do in case he is left out!

Im chronically ill and a wheelchair user- would it be ok for me to tell my wife she can’t take our son hiking because I can’t go? Or stop him going on rides at the theame park because I can’t do it?! No it wouldn’t. My illness limits my life- it doesn’t get to limit my kids too.

PonkyPonky · 29/09/2023 16:41

I just took DS for one day to go to legoland and it was a million times better going there on a school day. No queues meant we could go on every ride. He has perfect attendance and had a bunch of crappy days at home last year for strikes trying to entertain himself while I worked. It was worth it. Tickets are also cheaper off peak. Do it!

tuvamoodyson · 29/09/2023 16:47

Yes, I’d get that tunnel dug OP and escape too!

redguitar123 · 29/09/2023 16:49

Completely inappropriate, sorry.

AgentJohnson · 29/09/2023 16:59

I’d say no because there’s the chance that this ‘work around’ would be an excuse to stay even longer in this going nowhere relationship.

OhcantthInkofaname · 29/09/2023 17:03

Never let your child attending school interfere with their education.
Yep I said that.

WinterDeWinter · 29/09/2023 17:17

I think you should borrow the money and do the Spain trip - both because you want to, and because DH doesn't want you to.

He doesn't get to feel angry that he's not included when a: this isn't a jolly for you and your mates; it's not about him, it's about giving your DS pleasure and fun

and b: the reason it's on you is because he has not sought any help with his anxiety, so that he can fulfil his responsibilities to your child.

If he had sought help I wouldn't be feeling so enraged on your behalf.

SunnyCoco · 29/09/2023 17:31

Do the Spain trip

If OH is well enough to come to Spain he's well enough to take your son to the park / swimming / similar.

BrawnWild · 29/09/2023 17:38

What comes up on the calendar? Is there a reason you can pencil in a day out on a regular basis? You could literally get the calendar now and mark something up each month

Newestname002 · 29/09/2023 17:51

@sundaydayisnotmyfundayday

I am currently building an escape route.

Very glad to hear this. 🌹

Original poster

sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 29/09/2023 19:54

Thanks everyone. It's difficult because I know marriage is for better or for worse but I do feel like OH never being interested in getting help is a bit CF at this point. I love my kids and do not begrudge time with them but I have never been able to have even a day on my own while he takes them somewhere. In 20 years. I am really beginning to resent him having a opinion while ultimately laying it all on me.

OP posts:

Lmox · 29/09/2023 20:34

Hi OP, I’m a teacher - just do it. It won’t do any harm to miss a couple of days. Just make sure your son doesn’t go blabbing to his mates so it gets back to the school why he’s off.

carpool · 29/09/2023 21:22

To lateitallofit

I totally agree with you. The person I know does not attempt to stop his wife or kids doing things and will look after the kids at home so she can go out and see friends etc.

To the OP

I sounds like your DH isn't even trying to get better and putting pressure on you not to do things either is unfair to both you and your child. Not sure how sustainable that is in the long term.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 30/09/2023 00:20

He's 9. Not Year 9, just 9 years of age.

I say do it. A couple of days of primary school is not going to ruin his school career, and it'll be nice to have those memories during half term (although I'm sure he won't really mind being plonked in front of the tv for most of it!).

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 30/09/2023 00:23

Christ ditch that ridiculous man loser right now

Yeh I think in this situation I would give your son a treat 100%

mamaduckbone · 30/09/2023 10:36

I think there are two separate issues here. Personally, I wouldn't take your ds out of school just for a jolly because the message you are giving is that school is important unless you say it's not. But ultimately his education won't be affected, so it's not that big a deal if you do.

The other issue is that your Dh is not getting help for his mental health issues, and that is impacting on your ds. He needs to get some help, and in the meantime doesn't get to decide what you and your son do together.

pointythings · 30/09/2023 11:02

sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 29/09/2023 19:54

OH not interested in getting help is not 'a bit CF'. It's relationship ending dealbreakery. He owes it to you and his child to be the best he can be, and that includes seeking help. I'd feel differently if he had tried everything and it hadn't worked, but he's done sweet FA. My DS has a range of physical health conditions that mean he needs a wheelchair most of the time. He has PTSD, BPD, depression and anxiety. And he has worked his absolute ass off to maximise his quality of life, learn coping skills, manage relationships. He's starting a job soon that he has 100% obtained for himself with no help from anyone. He's only 20. And your OH isn't even bloody trying!

Keep building your escape and leave the useless leech.

EyesOnThePies · 30/09/2023 11:05

Whatever you decide, do not take DH’s view into account: he is selfish and controlling.

anythingbutlillies · 30/09/2023 11:10

Do it and I hope you both enjoy every minute. Sounds like you deserve to have a fun filled few days.

Not the point of the thread I know but please look at ending your marriage before full on resentment sets in. You can do it, and you will be better for it.
I know, cos I've just done it x

Universalsnail · 30/09/2023 11:15

I would do it and have done similar. Family time is important. Just makes sure he understands he can't tell his mates as you'll be pulling a sickie and obviously no mention on social media.

Luxell934 · 30/09/2023 11:20

Surely you don't work 7 days a week 24 hours a day, I'm sure you can do nice things, cinema, bowling, meals out, weekend trips, etc during the time you are not working.

Fair enough if you were going on an actual holiday that would be cheaper in term time I'd say do it!

Mumof2teens79 · 30/09/2023 11:30

Normally I wouldn't because its sets a precident and expectation in the child that they can miss school....buy in this case go for it

With respect to school trips I doubt it's a cofe thing. Most of the time your son has been at school we have been living with covid restrictions or threat of restriction. Plus massive increase in cost of travel and schools under pressure not to pass that on to parents. Even pre covid my kids went on very few school trips before Y5.

If no holiday clubs locally have you looked at PGL holiday or similar?

Appleton246 · 30/09/2023 22:33

I am a teacher but I would 100% do this if I wasn't...quality time with your kid on a trip they'll remember beats the classroom any day x

JustMarriedBecca · 30/09/2023 22:42

I was regimented about never missing school. However, COVID, school strikes, the miriad of supply teachers and an acceptance by the school our kids are "on their own" in terms of self learning at the necessary level, sod it. I could fit in twenty minutes what they cover in 6 hours at school at that age.

Book the trip.

Secondary school is different I think.

Nutsabouttopic · 30/09/2023 22:51

I am quite strict about DC not missing school. I have taken them all out individually or all together on occasions. Normally for family occasions but I have also taken them out for a break away. Missing one or two days of school will not cost them their future careers but spending time with mum is priceless. Mine don't talk about school classes but they do talk about watching bats one night we went camping or going on an early morning swim in a lake on what should have been a school day. Go and enjoy your time with your boy.

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