Dealing with needy colleague

[Thepeopleversuswork]

Wonder if anyone has any advice: I'm at my wits' end with this. Sorry, long.

I have a colleague who is constant need of support, advice, feedback, hand-holding and its driving me absolutely nuts.

She's not junior, mid-level role, mid 30s and has been with the firm well over a year so it's more than teething problems. She calls or Teams messages me five or six times a day to discuss REALLY trivial things about the job which she should either know herself by now or know which channels to go through. Or unilaterally puts meetings in my diary with her without checking first.

I'm senior but not leadership, three levels above her and she doesn't report into me I think she just finds me sympathetic. But she has a lot of support already in place and it's really not my job to deal with it.She's got two senior mentors (from the top management) and a line manager already, (none of them me).

She's technically good at her job but struggles with "soft" skills: boundaries/inappropriate behaviour/wasting time and generally bad at reading a room. Has had various flare-ups with people over her manner. Very bad at taking any criticism or feedback, which tends to trigger tears, accusations of victimisation and requests for more support from management/training etc. Numerous people have tried to coach her through various aspects of this (not being too much of a drain on management time, asking questions appropriately, not hogging conversation etc) and she takes all of it incredibly personally and it triggers tears etc. All of this has been raised at performance reviews. She's been told to stop bothering people (including me) with tiresome questions and demands for more mentoring etc.

I was giving her the benefit of the doubt -- and I'm generally a big fan of giving people time and of mentoring and support and helping them adapt culturally. But it's got to the point where dealing with her requests is a massive drain on both my time and emotional resources.

I've started screening calls and I will say "can you just email me and I'll come back when I have time?" etc, but she still hasn't got the message - every professional interaction I have with her leads to a request for a "debrief" or "feedback" and a meeting being booked in my diary. It's as if any engagement at all is seen as a green light to ask for more. I'm now at the point where I'm considering asking her not to contact me at all without a specific business need, or asking HR to do this, but I know this is going to trigger another furious meltdown. Should I do this or should I ask my managers/HR to do it?

Personally, I would speak to her Manager and be very clear about your boundaries. You need to remove yourself from this unofficial manager role and make sure her real manager takes up the slack. If she isn’t going to you for reassurance all the time, she might learn to manage better on her own.

Jeez. Why isn’t her line manager dealing with it? (Have you told her line manager?)

She needs explicitly telling that if she needs that much support, she needs to be on a capability programme. And then someone needs to invest time in working through it with her.

I think this is one to discuss with your own line manager. Explain that she is disruptive of your work etc., and that it must stop. You need your line manager backing you in anything you do, so that it doesn't end up with a meltdown that leads to you being accused of bullying.

In your managers does I'd be recommending a simple one one liner - "I'm not able to assist with this query, please refer it to your line manager", copying me in ; and I'd be speaking to her manager telling her that this needs to stop.

This is an issue for your Manager and her Manager.

If she is that bad at her role despite all the extra support (and with less than 2 years service) the company need to let her go.

Thanks all, it's been a long-running saga and she's been told numerous times by numerous people: she's already doing this to about three people and it's a known problem. My line manager is aware that this has been happening and she's been told to work only with her mentors (of whom my manager is one) and not to bother other people with it. It was part of her half-year review.

The issue is I think she can't help herself and she genuinely thinks this is what business interaction is like: every time we have a call about anything (genuine business related call), it will be all fine and then immediately after the call she will send a message on Teams saying "I know you're really busy but can I just take two minutes of your time to x/y". I've usually done it because I've thought it's related to the project and then it will invariably about something unrelated (usually a long bellyache about an issue with another coworker or a discussion about her MH).

I know I need to get ruthless now because I think it's the only language she understands - other people at my level have started saying "I just don't have time to deal with this". But she has form for then going to more senior people and saying "X isn't supporting me properly on this account, can I have another manager who is more engaged?" so it's risky for me.

Good advice about contacting my manager. I am worried that it could be used against me. I've been really hoping not to do this because I'm worried about looking like I'm throwing her under a bus but I've just had enough.... I can't get any work done.

Don’t accept her meetings, just reject saying sorry too busy. If really needed, suggest an email instead for feedback or support but otherwise just stop engaging.

and let your manager know you’re doing this and why- impact on your work.

Yeah I think I have to woman up and deal with it don't I?

If her queries relate to the work you've asked her to do, then ask her to put all her questions in a document and you'll read it tomorrow.

Rejecting meetings is one step I agree. The main thing is talking to her manager.

Technical skills does not trump people skills.

There's a part of you that cannot resist her little girl pleas for help.

But it's enabling her to make her believe that your availability is whenever she needs it.

You need to be firm

Cancel meetings that she books in

Stop responding to the emails unless it's to say - please direct this to the correct person

You need to be blunt and consistent

If you had said 50's not 30's I would wonder if they were an old member of my team.....where it never got better.
Your manager needs to tell theirs that you are not available for support.
(In my case exasperation/withdrawal of support due to lack of capacity/discussion in 1-2-1) led to bullying allegations against several people over a period of time)

But she has form for then going to more senior people and saying "X isn't supporting me properly on this account, can I have another manager who is more engaged?" so it's risky for me.

Would that be such a bad thing? She'll shuffle through all the managers and you'll be free of her. Obviously make sure you have your own manager onside before doing this, so you don't risk getting seen as a bully.

Speak to your manager about how this is becoming too much and has an impact on your work and wellbeing. Then follow up in writing. Then inform her manager ;cc your manager) that her need for engagement and support goes beyond any amount of coaching that is normal, or required, and you are not the best person to deal with this, and need support communicating this to her. Have a diary of her interactions and what she wanted to discuss.
if manager doesn’t do anything invite her, her manager and your manager to a meeting to discuss your level of engagement.
reiterate impact on your work and we’ll being

Insist on an agenda in advance of all meetings and calls and only discuss things set out in the agenda. Cut her off when she starts down the personal stuff on the basis tour time is limited and refuse any meetings where the agenda shows she can get the info from a more appropriate source. Keep these email interactions filed in case of a malicious allegation

Dear oh dear. I feel your pain. I had one of these vampires at work but on a personal level. Could. Not. Leave. Me. Alone. Smashed through every boundary I tried to put in place so that she could bore me yet again about herself. Same subject gone over and over for years and years. Shocking neediness that drained the life out of me and anyone else she latched on to. Complete fun sponge that sucked any small pleasure out of going to work. Luckily I was able to resign and bin her off.

Omg I am so sympathetic to you because this drives me fucking insane! The constant reassurance and hand holding drives me mental.
I had a colleague like this and in the end I used to forward her messages to her team leader/mentor and say “Hi X has this question, is this something you can help with as I’m tied up with XYZ” or reply to them directly with something similar “can you ask your team leader as I’m tied up with such and such a task”.
In the end I think one of her managers needs to be firm with her and say part of your annual review was to ask us for support and you’re not doing that. It’s a really tough situation.

It sounds like this is something that needs to be addressed by her manager (assuming her manager and your manager are not the same person).

When I was in a similar situation with someone at work, I knew the only person who could deal with it was really her manager, who needed to be aware of her behaviour, but for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to speak to her manager somehow - it just felt like I was snitching! But I had a conversation with my own manager about how to approach it, and my own manager said she would address it with the other manager because she could do that without saying who it was that had complained, and because they were on the same management rung so it was more of peer to peer conversation than me saying 'Hello senior manager, your team member is a pain in the arse and I feel like I'm being stalked by her, sort it out'

I agree that you need to reject every single diarised meeting

I'd suggest that anything that she emails to you, you forward to her line manager cc-ing her in and asking for her LM to deal with it

If she phones, say you're too busy and ask her to email her LM. If she emails you instead, as above!

If she pops into your office to chat, ask her to speak to her line namager , reject any diary entries, forward any emails

That should sort it!

I think definitely limit contact and also raise it with her manager.

There was someone like this at my work and untol people started flagging to her manager it wasn't tackled, but once it started being flagged her manager r realised pretty much all of this person's week was taken up with ringing different people and just being needy

Usually I'd give someone as much support as possible at work but it's clear this woman is the next level, she has been told 100 times not to keep bothering people about non-work stuff but she cannot/will not listen.

So in your case I would:

• decline the meetings, no need to explain why (if asked face to face, just say you have a packed week)
• decline the calls, no need to explain why (as above)
• if she messages, respond rarely and only if it's absolutely necessary
• if responding in a message or in person, fake complete ignorance/be deliberately unhelpful - so if she says "X person is doing Y thing" instead of asking questions or taking it seriously/trying to solve it, have a generic answer like "oh dear" or even better "oh dear, I'm sure your manager is the person to speak to about that"
• "I don't know" is a magical answer (even if you do, obviously must do etc) - so if she says "what do you think I should do to follow up with X project" you are allowed to just say "oh, I'm not sure"/"I don't know"/"hmm"

I think what she's basically looking for is ATTENTION and so you need to starve her of it by being really boring and uninterested.

Thanks all, very helpful advice.

@ManateeFair this really resonated with me:

for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to speak to her manager somehow - it just felt like I was snitching!

I really intrinsically dislike working in a culture where people go running to managers to complain about other staff unless it's absolutely necessary. I far prefer dealing with people directly and one to one. I also dislike the idea that work interaction has to be strictly limited to business discussions, some of the joy of work is talking about non work stuff. But that only works if people don't abuse it.

But she's been told. I've asked her on three separate occasions to send non urgent questions to me via email so I can deal with them when I have time and not to suddenly bounce me into having to deal with her shit all the time and she doesn't learn or take any of it on.

Time to get tough.

I would start replying with every email with her mentors and line managers copied in so they can see the extent of the unwanted communications and can deal with her from now on. Will be awkward to start but will probably address the issue

I've had similar in previous jobs and in my current job I've had to manage someone just like her, it's exhausting on all fronts!

I agree with pps saying be less available to spontaneous calls and push her towards the mentors she already has.

I do understand your fear of her making you look unhelpful if you ignore her etc. I would suggest that if she calls (and you haven't asked her to) then drop the call and send a Teams message saying you're in the middle of something and can't talk. Ask her to put it in an email and you'll respond when you can. She will reply with either an email or another Teams message and either way it will be clear it isn't a specific work question so either way you should respond by saying 'that sounds like something X, Y and Z are best placed to help with so it's best you speak to one of them'. If she's emailed you then cc them in.

If she says anything to you about preferring to speak to you or comments that you aren't helping/supporting etc you can point out that she has mentors already allocated to her and you don't want to tread on anyone's toes, especially as you don't have time to be a mentor yourself. You can't be accused of not being helpful if you are clearly directing her towards help.