Dealing with needy colleague

[Thepeopleversuswork]

Wonder if anyone has any advice: I'm at my wits' end with this. Sorry, long.

I have a colleague who is constant need of support, advice, feedback, hand-holding and its driving me absolutely nuts.

She's not junior, mid-level role, mid 30s and has been with the firm well over a year so it's more than teething problems. She calls or Teams messages me five or six times a day to discuss REALLY trivial things about the job which she should either know herself by now or know which channels to go through. Or unilaterally puts meetings in my diary with her without checking first.

I'm senior but not leadership, three levels above her and she doesn't report into me I think she just finds me sympathetic. But she has a lot of support already in place and it's really not my job to deal with it.She's got two senior mentors (from the top management) and a line manager already, (none of them me).

She's technically good at her job but struggles with "soft" skills: boundaries/inappropriate behaviour/wasting time and generally bad at reading a room. Has had various flare-ups with people over her manner. Very bad at taking any criticism or feedback, which tends to trigger tears, accusations of victimisation and requests for more support from management/training etc. Numerous people have tried to coach her through various aspects of this (not being too much of a drain on management time, asking questions appropriately, not hogging conversation etc) and she takes all of it incredibly personally and it triggers tears etc. All of this has been raised at performance reviews. She's been told to stop bothering people (including me) with tiresome questions and demands for more mentoring etc.

I was giving her the benefit of the doubt -- and I'm generally a big fan of giving people time and of mentoring and support and helping them adapt culturally. But it's got to the point where dealing with her requests is a massive drain on both my time and emotional resources.

I've started screening calls and I will say "can you just email me and I'll come back when I have time?" etc, but she still hasn't got the message - every professional interaction I have with her leads to a request for a "debrief" or "feedback" and a meeting being booked in my diary. It's as if any engagement at all is seen as a green light to ask for more. I'm now at the point where I'm considering asking her not to contact me at all without a specific business need, or asking HR to do this, but I know this is going to trigger another furious meltdown. Should I do this or should I ask my managers/HR to do it?

Definitely time to get tough

she has form for then going to more senior people and saying "X isn't supporting me properly on this account, can I have another manager who is more engaged?" so it's risky for me.

How is that risky if she doesn't report to you, though?

You can block and mute people on teams and I hope you have hidden your diary from her prying eyes.

She's already been asked to leave you alone and hasn't listened. That's harassment. I would suggest making a written complaint to HR ccing her line manager, with details of dates/times of unwanted contact. Ordinarily it's not ideal to come across as a troublemaker, snitch or whatever, but I think in this case you'll be doing them a favour. They must be desperate to get her out.

I had this and in the end I just got ruthless because of the annoyance and time cost.

You need to adopt a zero tolerance. It's not your job and she really is taking advantage of your kindness to date.

Speak with her manager & tell her it's put of control and you won't be entertaining it any longer and put it in writing that you expect the manager to address it.

Responded to everything with "I don't have capacity to assist on this, please raise it with your manager", as she'll probably persist for a while.

I forwarded every single email, appointment she put in my diary, screenshot every text, call, IM etc. to her manager until it stopped.

I'm more than happy to help most people but I won't help people with no boundaries and/or people who aren't willing to help themselves.

This

Also block out your diary so she can’t put meetings in.

You're totally right. I need to grey rock her at work.

I'd decline her meeting requests and give what you consider a reasonable alternative. Eg put something in for half an hour in a weeks time to go through all her queries for the week

The only thing I would add to all the advice you have been given, is to speak to your manager before you do it. That way if there are any complaints - your manager can say - I knew about that, I’ve agreed with thepeople keeping appropriate boundaries to ensure she gets her work done.

That stops anyone putting meetings in, even people who genuinely need meetings with the OP!

I really sympathise with you. I am the manager of a person like that. It’s really difficult for everyone. They just don’t listen no matter how many different ways you approach the issue with them. They carry on just as they are despite all the conversations you try to have with them. As a manger, the thought of getting rid of someone like this feels cruel but ultimately if they can’t open their mind to the idea they have to work on things that are highlighted to them as a problem, they have to go as they are draining everyone’s energy.

You need to talk to your manager as it’s impacting your work. Your manager should take it up with her manager and HR.

I would keep it strictly business. If she’s pushing your boundaries this needs to stop plus I wouldn’t be worried about telling things as it is.
If she’s already being taken through a performance management plan they are hardly going to think you are the problem as it’s already known to the business that she’s a problem.
Also the business need to know is that she is taking up so much of other peoples time too. To me it sounds like she needs to be managed out as not only can she not take any feedback but she’s disruptive to the existing team and taking up a lot of resources internally too.

Tell your manager you will cancel each meeting and ask her to email you. Then keep cancelling and emailing every time.

Don’t answer her calls, you are busy.

Don’t accept meeting invites, you are busy

Take ages to reply to texts / emails, you are busy

if she asks you why you don’t meet her / reply to e-mails, tell her in the kindest possible way that you are busy.

I think she is so needy she will go elsewhere for her support.

Still be friendly enough when speaking but start to distance yourself by degrees, no one has time for this, and it will negatively affect your work, she is not a new starter and needs to grow up or get out as she sounds like she can’t cope for whatever reasons

I sometimes blame things on the policy/procedures that have been put in place to avoid hurting feelings. "Sorry, I've been reminded recently to avoid personal discussions at work, and I don't want to be pulled up on it."

If someone is needy, it's because they have needs that are not being met and that they're unable to meet themselves. I can relate to your colleague unfortunately. In my previous job, it took me a long time to learn what I was supposed to be doing, how I was supposed to be doing it and why I was doing each thing (how the different tasks were connected). I would always have to ask for more detail about how to carry out tasks and would have to keep asking the same questions each time I had to do a thing, because I'd have forgotten since last time I had to do it/was told. Gradually I got to the point where I knew what I was doing, but then when anything new was introduced or we were told to change the way we worked, I'd be lost again for a while. It felt awful, I was anxious all the time at work because I could tell people were irritated/impatient with me and I didn't want to annoy them, I wanted them to like me as much as I liked them, so I'd feel scared to ask, however I was also scared that if I didn't ask, I'd make mistakes and that would annoy folk more or cause people more work and I thought asking and making sure was the right thing to do rather than guessing. Your colleague might be terrified to continually ask the managers for guidance/reassurance. In my case I tried not to keep asking the same person so I'd ask another person next time and then a different person but looking back I'm sure some felt like you do. I was beyond grateful for the kind, patient colleagues and probably did ask them a bit more as I felt safer, I wasn't scared to. I felt that anxiety about annoying people/folk not liking me/making mistakes constantly and intensely throughout each shift. When I could tell people were irritated by me I felt intense rejection and I'd go home and worry about it for hours or days afterwards, which impaired my ability to function at home. On one particularly stressful day at work I tried to tell a colleague someone was on the phone for her and she snapped at me obviously thinking I was going to ask her something. I felt the tears coming and knew I wasn't going to be able to stop them and had to go into the printer room to sob. Another colleague found me in there and gave me a hug; I told her I was doing my best but felt everyone was annoyed with me all the time. Eventually I ended up having to take increasingly longer periods of sick leave as I wasn't coping at home and finally I was referred to the community psychiatric team. My CPN advised me to stop working. Since then I've been diagnosed autistic and ADHD assessment is ongoing. Needing detailed step by step instructions and lots of clarification is common among neurodivergent people and lots of us have developed rejection sensitive dysphoria as a result of experiencing so much criticism and rejection growing up, which can mean we need a lot of reassurance and validation. Many of us also struggle to regulate our emotions, or can't do so to the degree that is socially expected. That was probably a big part of why I struggled at work, but I was also isolated and controlled for nearly a decade beforehand by my ex and this was my first job after leaving him, so not only had I not worked for about 8 years, I'd been mostly shut away at home and had barely had any social interaction and zero independence, since my early 20s. Just because someone is in their 30s doesn't mean they necessarily have the same level of life experience and opportunity to develop skills you had/have at the same age. You don't know what others have been through/are going through and you don't know what additional needs they might have that could be undiagnosed. Being treated in the way most people on this thread are suggesting ("starve them of the attention they're seeking") has never helped me become more self sufficient or stop seeking help, it's caused me intense emotional pain and made me more anxious, which results in me feeling even more desperate for reassurance, in a vicious cycle, until I feel suicidal. You don't have a responsibility to help your colleague at your own expense, but when you set boundaries please do so clearly, kindly and patiently. Not everyone is able to understand hints, or cope with harsh, cold behaviour.

also want to add as someone has said the colleague should "grow up or get out as she isn't coping" that there's huge pressure for everyone to be in paid work and shame piled on those of us who aren't working and are surviving on benefits, but when we do go to work, if we're not as confident or competent as everyone else, this comments section is how people respond. Can you all try to imagine how it feels to not be able to cope in a workplace like everyone else, so if you do work your colleagues feel like this ^ about you, but then if you don't work, everyone's judging you and assuming you're a lazy scrounger?

@ChlorrOfTheMask
I get your point, it’s a difficult one to answer
Have you found yourself in that position and if you have how would you suggest that it is handled in the workplace from your perspective.

If when I'm able to work again I find someone's needing lots of help from me at work, I'll understand having been there myself, so I'll try to help as much as I can. If they needed more help than I was able to give, I'd explain that to them gently and clearly, as well as talking to someone in a position of authority about how this person obviously needs more support. It sounds like part of the problem here is the colleague is just being told to stop bothering her colleagues and go to the managers with any queries, but obviously doesn't feel she can do so. Maybe because she's not being adequately supported by the management, because everyone just sees her as a pain in the arse seeking extra support they assume she doesn't actually need.

I think yes as @ChlorrOfTheMask says, this colleague is highly highly likely to be ND. The behaviour is inappropriate and does need to stop, but just keep it very very professional, calm, polite, and refer back to her manager every time. You’re not tattling, they are aware and are the person tasked with supporting her.

Start rejecting her meetings and having your own dramas, fire off emails like

• ‘up against it, shits hit the fan, spk later’
• ‘Hi, it’ll have to wait, issues at home, don’t ask!’
• ‘Catch up Friday when I’ve got more time, I’m worried about project X and under loads of pressure. *’This morning has been a nightmare, can you ask Manager to sort this time?’

@ChlorrOfTheMask
Thanks for your response, and giving some perspective, sounds like you had a very bad experience.
Some workplace environments can be very difficult to navigate, I’d say there isn’t anyone on here who hasn’t had a bad work experience at some point, but not all are like that, hope you are better supported in the next job you go onto.

Thanks. The thing is, it wasn't a particularly bad experience; this was a typical experience. I felt a sense of pride in myself for working, liked all my colleagues and although I could tell I irritated most of them, most of them were friendly to me when they weren't feeling harassed. I had a kind and supportive line manager. The anxiety, confusion and needs I've described are just what social environments/work environments tend to be like for neurodivergent people. The OP's colleague might not be experiencing the same as I did, but I think it's likely she might be.

Yeah, I think it's likely OP's colleague is autistic or ADHD too, although we can't obviously assume. I'd add that as well as being professional and polite while signposting to appropriate support, boundaries will need to be explicitly, gently, patiently explained and a warm tone rather than a cold one makes a huge difference. A cold tone could cause confusion and suffering to the colleague for days afterwards. Remembered that it's not her fault she is the way she is.

I had this with a colleague. Sadly, she was just not cut out for the job. She went to every person in the workplace other than her Line Manager for help on how to do the job, and I'm talking random people with no experience of our department. Anyway, eventually, all of us got sick of it and started directing her to her Line Manager, she never ever went to her, turns out she didn't like her Line Manager (who was lovely). Anyway, she failed her probation and was let go for being shite. She cried. The rest of us sighed with relief. As heartless as it sounds, it was for the best, she couldn't cope with the job and was massively struggling.

You need to address this with her Line Manager and get tough, become a brick wall.