To think this is one of the worst things you can do to a child?

[trewsa]

Forcing/manipulating them into friendships then getting angry with them when they don't seem keen on the child you've forced them with? And for context age wise I'm talking roughly 15

This all seems vague with very important information missing.

If the thread is going to be a drip drip drip of vague information then you're unlikely to get useful replies OP. Like pp said you might be better posting about the actual situation.

Based on what you have said, no, it is not one of the worst things you can do to a child by a long way. There are far far far worse things sadly.

Sadly yes, many people will just read the OP. This is just going to be a useless debate with people giving examples of what they consider to be worse abuse.

Spending time with someone who's condescending is not as big an issue as you've made it in your head. Your issues are that your mother was aggressive and didn't listen to you, the example is not useful. Seek counselling about how your mother behaved towards you generally and it will have a better effect.

Any form of emotional manipulation and coercion is appalling

Sometimes it can be life destroying

Are there worse things? Well yes, of course, we can always find worse things

But emotional abuse is pretty damn bad in my book

How old are you? Are you seriously suggesting that a friendship encouraged at 15 is that damaging? Worst? FFS. Get real.

I’m sorry to hear of your struggles OP. I think it would be better received & uou’d get more constructive advice if you posed it as a statement rather than a question - eg ‘my mother forced me into friendships and controlled these relationships with x y z punishment if I didn’t comply, I feel this is the worst thing she could have done to me as it’s had a b c consequence on my life’.

on any social media platform there are people from all sorts of backgrounds, some who’ve suffered unimaginable abuse from a parent so it can feel a bit red flag & the advice you came for will get lost in outrage.

I have step children & the eldest is in a similar situation that you’ve outlined. Mum isn’t a crazy narcisist by any means, she’s just incredibly worried that he doesn’t make friends easily & coming from a place of she has a trillion friendships that she relies on for her esteem & happiness, she’s coming from a good place & just wants that for her child & can’t imagine they might be happier in solo hobbies. It ended disastrously at their birthday party when not a single child turned up & it was devastating for her, not so much kid thank god who hadn’t wanted the party but still all round terrible experience. A year on left to their own devices they have made a friend on their own terms but of course I don’t think mum was wrong in not wanting her child to be lonely.

a friend of mine at school was made to be best friends with the child of her mothers best friend, it was a disastrous mix as the poor child had learning difficulties and was more like 7 at age 11 and I don’t think either child got much out of the friendship, she wasn’t expected to exclusively only have this girl as a friend though.

My own mother gave me all the freedom in the world to be friends with whoever I pleased & the jury is out on whether that was sensible, in year 7 I was considered a bit of a prodigy & there was talk about doing my GCSE’s at the end of year 8, but by the end of year 8 I’d been arrested & smoked a 10 pack a day & had lost my virginity to an adult man in the Easter holidays & knew well how to roll a joint, so I do think parental guidance is helpful in who children seek to be friends with.

so I think there are lots of reasons a parent may want to exert control over their child’s friendships & I’d like to think in lots of cases it’s not coming from a place of cruelty or wanting their child to just bend to their will.

how is your relationship with mum otherwise, and what has been mums response when you’ve told her you don’t want to be friends with this person? Do you have other friends?

Clearly it is not any of the worst things you can do to a child, setting aside the fact that 15 year olds choose their own friends.

At first I thought you wanted people to excuse unpleasant behaviour by you towards your "friend", but from your later post it seems you actually enjoyed being unpleasant towards her, and are proud of it?

It's utterly awful behaviour.

My friend went through this, she split up with her ex and her parents for very angry with her and kept trying to push them back together. Including inviting him round to their house all the time without warning her, and sending him up to her room etc. She was so completely distressed by it. I found it totally baffling.

I don't get why a parent would do that

OP, you are being deliberately vague, so it is impossible for us to either advise or empathise. We just don't have the information. You describe it as "manipulating" you into spending time with a condescending peer, but it could very well have been "encouraging" a friendship with a high achiever. If the parent didn't know about the peer's negative impact, I don't think that is the fault of the parent.

But this is objectively not at all one of the worst things a parent could do to their child. Neglect, emotional abuse, and physical/sexual assault all come to mind. Then there are things like permissive parenting that are arguably awful because they don't prepare a child for adulthood.

I don't know if it's one of the worst things.

But: I had a female relative routinely forced on me when I was younger, coming round to play and for sleepovers, and it was expected we'd be friends because we were a similar age.

We weren't really very alike, and I hated having to entertain her and trail her around with my friends.

To this day I'm very much 'back off' with people and easily feel incredibly claustrophobic, to the point I've no real friends.

I unintentionally did this to my 12 yo a couple of years ago. I kept arranging social things with DD's "best friend" and her mum, without realising that the dynamic between the girls had become quite difficult for my DD for various reasons. She is a people pleaser and put up with this for the best part of the (miserable for her) year before she eventually got through to me. She couldn't get away from this girl at school, and I was bringing her into activities outside of school. Things ended messily and I have lost a good mum friend. My DD became more socially withdrawn and would rather be on her own than hang out with her peers for fear of a rerun of her previous experiences. She is beginning to come out of it a bit now, though.

So, although far worse things quite clearly do happen to children, forcing this type of interaction at any age, but particularly at the stage when young people should have total autonomy over their relationships, can be damaging. And, I'm sorry OP went through this, and that I did this to my DD.

So many of these cryptic threads from people still bitter about minor things from their childhood. How old are you OP? Time to move on. Being pushed into friendships with kids you don't like really isn't the worst that can happen.

No where near the worst thing you can do to a child.

I think 15 years of browbeating and bullying a child until they are too frightened, nervous, downtrodden and tired to express an opinion is worse, and may be the underlying issue.

That's pretty destructive. Is that what you mean?

Yes @MintJulia - that's exactly what I mean!

This with bells on.

You’ve lived a very very sheltered life if you thing forcing friendships is the worst thing a child can suffer.

See you needed to put more context in your OP.

OP - what is it that you want to talk about?

Your parents? The impact their actions have had on your life?

It’s not nice at all, but it’s not even close to the worst thing.

I think it’s also a red herring though, because the real issue isn’t the friendship at all, it’s your mother’s domineering.

The posters saying “15 year olds make their own friends” don’t understand that some teens are so downtrodden, browbeaten and submissive after years of emotional neglect or harsh treatment that it doesn’t occur to them that their life is their own.

OP may be just waking up to this as an adult and feeling angry about how she was treated through her childhood. She might initially find her entire childhood hard to articulate and might start by fixing on one example.

Or maybe she struggled with friendships for other reasons and the parent’s intention was well-meaning but disastrous.

Exactly my thought

There are alot of far far far worse things that can and unfortunatly are done to kids

Forcing/manipulating anyone to do anything is never good.

I’m sorry you had to go through this.
Our parents are meant to be the ones to support and protect us.

I totally agree @PosyPrettyToes