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Original poster

To think my friend's behaviour is shit?

40 replies

Celia24 · 29/09/2023 02:31

I've had a childhood platonic male friend for 20 years, has been there for me through everything, bereavement, break ups etc.

He went through a divorce earlier this year and has been seeing someone new on a 'casual' basis. We haven't seen each other in a year as we live in different countries so time together means a lot.

Anyway for the first time in a year we had dinner and he had the phone on the table answering it. Later we were having a drink and he answers the phone to this new girlfriend who is crying and sounds a bit like a basket case in all honesty. He put her on loud speaker and didn't warn me about answering the phone, just did it while we were sitting together,and suddenly I'm awkwardly listening to the whole conversation. He then told her he was with the dog having a drink, wtf.

So I left the room and he came after me straight away and hung up. He said I didn't understand what the issue is with answering a call for 5 mins which hurt my feelings. We had a heart to heart for a while after but for me me it ruined the evening. Am I wrong here and over reacted or is he full of it?

OP posts:
Forgottenmypasswordagain · 29/09/2023 03:00

Unless you are a beagle, I would be annoyed to be called a dog, and may even have said inappropriately rude things about "oh, so now I'm a bitch am I?" "Yes, you do love some doggy style" while on speaker, throwing in a little whimpering and a few woofs! Yanbu.

Original poster
Celia24 · 29/09/2023 03:15

The dog was in the room...it came off like he was trying to give the impression I wasn't there to this woman.

Incredibly upsetting. Been friends our whole lives really but the last two times we've met he has no qualms about answering phones and messages all the time when together. Im starting to question whether the friendship is actually over and we're just holding on to a pay view of the friendship.

OP posts:
Forgottenmypasswordagain · 29/09/2023 03:26

He is probably the same with everybody, but I would not be in a hurry to spend time with him, he's rude. Plus, I don't like that he lied to his gf. I am not a fan of liars.

WandaWonder · 29/09/2023 03:40

He could be a loser the gf could be controlling and or jealous only those 2 know

If you have known him 20 years (I won't go back and check so could be wrong) you would have a fair idea how he is?

Sounds odd to me though

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 29/09/2023 03:56

If you have been friends for that long I can't understand why you can't talk to him about this?

ClaraBourne · 29/09/2023 03:58

He's disrespectful of you, talking on the phone when he is out with you, and disrespectful of his girlfriend putting the call on loudspeaker.

He sounds a bit of an arse. Maybe the friendship has run its course.

Whowahway123 · 29/09/2023 04:02

The dog thing would annoy me much much more than the phone answering!!

SheSaidHummingbird · 29/09/2023 04:25

"He then told her he was with the dog having a drink, wtf."

She really is a basket case if she believed that.

Isthisexpected · 29/09/2023 04:29

SheSaidHummingbird · 29/09/2023 04:25

"He then told her he was with the dog having a drink, wtf."

She really is a basket case if she believed that.

I read it to mean he was just at home, with his dog as usual, and had made himself a g&t etc. Nothing odd about that?

But you're right to feel as you do. I think he's a liar and has feelings for you too.

MossyMo · 29/09/2023 04:58

It sounds like new gf is insecure and he has to be available to answer or she gets upset as most couples can go a night without contact or just text while others gone to toilet.
So he put her on speakerphone making out it was just him & the dog i.e alone, rather than telling her that Celia sat here and involving you in their convo and just wanted you to hear what she is like?
Tbh lots on MN don't like their partners having friends of a shaggable gender preference as don't believe they can have a plutonic friendship that won't stray into an affair. Also he may have given her good reason to be insecure and seeking need for some control rather than a basketcase.

SheSaidHummingbird · 29/09/2023 05:44

Isthisexpected · 29/09/2023 04:29

I read it to mean he was just at home, with his dog as usual, and had made himself a g&t etc. Nothing odd about that?

But you're right to feel as you do. I think he's a liar and has feelings for you too.

Show quote history

I imagined it more like a Cassius Marcellus Coolidge painting, but in an upscale restaurant with a bottle of Sauvignon.

pavillion1 · 29/09/2023 08:22

I read it to mean he was just at home, with his dog as usual, and had made himself a g&t etc. Nothing odd about that?
Eh ????

Loopytiles · 29/09/2023 08:25

Friendship may have changed. He was indeed rude answering the phone, using speakerphone and lying by omission.

do you have much contact on the phone etc between meet ups?

Certainlyreally · 29/09/2023 08:25

Later we were having a drink and he answers the phone to this new girlfriend who is crying and sounds a bit like a basket case in all honesty.

A bit of a basket case? Because she was crying?

Unless she was crying over a broken nail, that's very dismissive

Goodornot · 29/09/2023 08:31

I've just got into a relationship (about 8 months) with a man who is a long time singleton in his 40s. I'm long term single until him too...just fussy both of us.

He has plenty of long term friends of over 20 years. Something I've noticed but not commented on is how his friends (many of them female) take advantage of the kind single guy.

He must always have been free to help with stuff when he has no kids or pets.

One woman is always getting him to feed her cat when she's ill or away which is a lot. Even her mum texts him when she is sick to ask him about her bloody cat to feed. Always paying for lunch out for her because she is ill and not working, etc etc etc

She isn't the only friend of his who does stuff like this.

I don't say anything as I recognise that he had a life before me and we are both independent people. He finally said to this friend no to feeding her cat again, I have a gf now and I'll be spending time with her this weekend, etc. I didn't ask he told me this as he was pisssd off at being asked to step in yet again. I don't think they consider he might have a life.

He was a gf now, things change. The only thing I'd criticise him for is answering the phone and letting you hear it. That's bloody rude and disrespectful to his gf.

Original poster
Celia24 · 29/09/2023 09:04

Well it's the morning now and we had a lot to drink last night. However I doubt he'll apologise.

@ClaraBourne I hope not but you might be right.

I've had a really nice time travelling, we had such a nice night and very relaxed and it just happened out of nowhere. It was quite distressing as well hearing it all on speakerphone.

And rather than a new gf he said he's seeing her casually for a short time. Sorry but I stand by if this is a long term friend you see once a year you can put the fecking phone down for once. After 20 years I love him dearly as he's like family but he does things like this when I visit.

In between visits he keeps in touch often.

OP posts:
NoodleNuts · 29/09/2023 09:27

You are considering ending a 20 year friendship because he took a phonecall whilst the two of you were having a drink? You found it distressing? I do think you are overeacting!

Yes, possibly taking the call was rude but loads of people are like this now, attached to their phone. Couldn't you just say 'Please don't do that again, I find it rude'.

Original poster
Celia24 · 29/09/2023 14:55

@NoodleNuts not going to end the friendship. But I did say I feel there's always something more important comes up when I visit where he'll change plans last minute - this is true and how I feel during recent visits but sort of wish I hadn't said it now.

Before I booked the visit he told me he's free the 3 days I'm here but it turns out now that tonight he's seeing this new woman so I need to make my own plans. Then I'll see him again tomorrow.

He also hadn't told me about her until I saw him face to face although we talk quite often.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 29/09/2023 14:56

Ultimately I won't be in a rush to visit again and I think I just need to accept my friend as he is and let things just dial back for a while. I suppose friendships ebb and flow.

OP posts:
Cleverestclog · 29/09/2023 15:45

The rudest thing here is that he put her on speakerphone without telling her there was another person listening to the conversation.

That's massively disrespectful to her if she thought she was having a private phonecall with him.

cakehoover123 · 29/09/2023 15:48

Would I be annoyed with a friend for taking a phone call while we're together? Probably not. It would depend if it felt disrespectful or not.

But it's not just answering a call, is it? Putting people on speakerphone without telling them isn't great, nor is pretending you aren't there 🤢

I don't think you're wrong to feel disrespected. As you say, maybe it's just time for a bit of distance.

Original poster
Celia24 · 29/09/2023 16:00

@cakehoover123 I agree, wrong she had no idea I was there or she was on speakerphone.

He could easily have just apologized but he stuck to saying it wasn't an issue to answer the call. He answered with no warning/'sorry I need to take this' etc while we were having a conversation & the pretence of me not being there is something else. I had a visceral gut reaction in a 'this feels disrespectful' kind of way.

He's the only friend I have disagreements with lately and he can't enjoy that either. We care about each other but have locked horns during recent visits. Some distance sounds for the best although it upsets me.

OP posts:
Cleverestclog · 29/09/2023 16:39

So she doesn't know about you then.
Clearly he hadn't told her in advance "my friend of 20 years is coming to visit and I'm meeting her for dinner".
Or that he couldn't meet her tonight because you're visiting and you rarely see each other.
Why the lack of honesty and transparency?
Sounds disrespectful to both of you, tbh.

14blackcrows · 29/09/2023 16:46

Is she abusive? I had a long term male friend start being wierd with me.. it turned out his new girlfriend was absolutely unhinged. To the extent of following him to work and demanding to see the cctv to check he'd been at work when he said he had, and hacking into his Facebook and defriending all his female friends.
He didn't talk about it for a long time.. actually not until the relationship had been over for a year. I didnt realise what he had been going through. He said he had felt responsible and like he could sort it out.. just guilty all the time because she was always upset about something. He had to get the police give her an harassment warning in the end because she was sending hundreds of abusive messages a day via different channels.
I mean if he's not usually like this and has introduced you yo his girlfriends before and been open about your friendship.. it might be that he's in some kind of toxic situation.
However if he's often been like this he's a twat and you should end the friendship.

category12 · 29/09/2023 16:51

I think he was disrespectful to both you and the girlfriend. It's not on to put someone on speakerphone when they don't know someone else is there, and it's rude to you to expect you to sit there during. Him pretending he was alone with the dog was dodgy AF.

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