To think my friend's behaviour is shit?

[Celia24]

I've had a childhood platonic male friend for 20 years, has been there for me through everything, bereavement, break ups etc.

He went through a divorce earlier this year and has been seeing someone new on a 'casual' basis. We haven't seen each other in a year as we live in different countries so time together means a lot.

Anyway for the first time in a year we had dinner and he had the phone on the table answering it. Later we were having a drink and he answers the phone to this new girlfriend who is crying and sounds a bit like a basket case in all honesty. He put her on loud speaker and didn't warn me about answering the phone, just did it while we were sitting together,and suddenly I'm awkwardly listening to the whole conversation. He then told her he was with the dog having a drink, wtf.

So I left the room and he came after me straight away and hung up. He said I didn't understand what the issue is with answering a call for 5 mins which hurt my feelings. We had a heart to heart for a while after but for me me it ruined the evening. Am I wrong here and over reacted or is he full of it?

I honestly don't think it's anything to do with you. He doesn't want her to know he's with another woman. Wonder why he's lying to his girlfriend?!

If she was already crying , and they've only been dating for a while it sounds like she might have big anxiety or trust issues. I understand how hurtful that must be to you though. I can only assume he was trying to reassure her as it's early days. He shouldn't be doing that obviously, but I think it's up to you whether you support him in the background or cut contact. I don't think this relationship will last 😣

She isn't his girlfriend apparently. Just someone 'casual' as he's not ready for a relationship.

He's just come out of a 10 year relationship with a woman I really liked. They are now sharing their dog, you know, the one that was there when I was!

He was disrespectful. And tbh it isn't totally new behaviour. His last partner although absolutely lovely would often call him upset about various things like this woman did. I put up with it most times as she was a serious life partner.

When we talked about it he said he just wants to please everyone and make people happy. I told him it doesn't work because taking last night as an example, he upset me. Is that worth it as lifelong friends who meet once a year?

He's obviously in a life transition although I think this might just be how he is now. I won't throw 20 years down the pan for this but he has changed a lot since we met.

I won't throw 20 years down the pan for this but he has changed a lot since we met

Well that's a sunk costs waste of time the. Why spend time on a friendship if you don't like who they are?

I think the whole friendship sounds a bit odd, to be honest. You sound quite possessive over him, and the idea that someone you’ve known for 20 years would ‘distress’ you by taking one phone call on one occasion in your presence seems like a huge overreaction. He sounds like someone who isn’t that bothered about the friendship any more and is also stringing the ‘basket game’ woman along and exploiting her vulnerabilities. And apparently you argue and ‘lock horns’ when you meet up. I don’t really understand what either of you are getting out of this. It all just sounds fractious and a bit unhealthy to me.

His last partner although absolutely lovely would often call him upset about various things like this woman did.

Oh. I wonder why that is.

Perhaps you need to consider the common denominator here, and ask yourself what it is that's causing these women to get so upset.

His last partner used to call him the same?

This isn't a case of crazy girlfriend. This man is the problem. Fairly sure based on you saying his last girlfriend used to call him the same that he's given these women reason to feel so insecure and untrusting of him.

Tbh I think you are being a bit unforgiving. He's clearly seeking out high drama women for whatever reason and is struggling to handle his relationships with them. I would just talk to him about the fact that it seems like he's walking on eggshells around his GF and can't enjoy his time without her, rather than getting offended by the odd phone call and questioning a 20 year friendship,

@10HailMarys we don't argue every time. I would say it's every second meet up or so. That's bad enough obviously.

A year ago we were due to meet and an hour before he cancelled cause his partner didn't want him to go due to her depression etc.

I think youre right @Universalsnail

The thing is he does keep in regular contact between meeting up & always wants to know how I am, regularly sends photos when he's away on trips etc.

For me spending time with a friend I never see, answering calls during conversations and always texting during meals isn't ok with me. I can see why people would feel it's an overreaction but I know I'm never going to become ok with it.

@aSofaNearYou maybe I am unforgiving. I'm not sure I can change that to be honest. I feel like he crosses a boundary and it makes me feel disrespected. Not sure I can talk myself out of that to be more forgiving.

It sounds as if he treats you as a sibling so I would let this go. New relationships always take centre stage and at that moment it was the most important thing he had to deal with.

It just might be helpful to remember that not everyone views answering messages etc when you are with someone as as disrespectful as it sounds like you do. Many wouldn't think much of it, particularly with people they are very comfortable with and have known a long time.

I'm confused as to what it is you are upset about, specifically.

Is it that he answered the phone while you were there? Not ideal, but so commonplace I would think nothing of it these days.

Is it that he put it on speaker? I would think the woman on the other end would have more right to be upset about that than you.

Is it that he lied in front of you to her? Saying he was having a drink with the dog and omitting the fact you were sitting there.

Is it that you heard this phone woman was crying and being, as you so kindly put it, a "basketcase" - possibly made insecure by your friend's lies?

As people have said up thread you sound oddly possessive. It all seems a very strange thing to have a strop about, or to consider a 20 year friendship done, over.

You sound way too invested in this man for just a friend. Expecting his full and undivided attention on a casual friends meal (even if it is a rare occurrence) is a bit odd in modern society.

I can’t quite put my finger on it but I get from your post that your feelings for him are stronger than his for you. Have you considered your feelings may not be as platonic as you’re claiming here? It just reads like a power play between yourself wanting his undecided attention and the girlfriends who always call him up upset when you’re out with him. Maybe the girlfriends recognise something in you that you don’t.

@Cadenza12think that's probably right. Aside from a couple of other good friends he's like family. So it's sort of become an unconditional connection regardless of annoyances.

Today I met him to go on a city tour and the new woman showed up with the dog at the end. He didn't mention she was coming. She's a carbon copy of the ex. Anyway he sort of left us there briefly with the dog which got a bit awkward so I excused myself and he's going to call me for dinner later. I leave tomorrow.

In the end I still think his actions that night were rude but it's how he is. People have said maybe it's more than platonic for me - but t I can't imagine kissing him or anything physical. Thought of it feels quite weird!

Maybe I just need to dial back my expectations here knowing what he's like. After 20 years it's probably not worth it over a few gripes. Good advice.