Dating after bereavement

[Gem7555]

What do you consider to be an acceptable period before dating after the death of a husband or wife?

Did you not think she had a right to a life, to not be alone?

My dad was 6 months after my mum died. Married 50 years to my mum

Well done. Dont listen to negative comments.

Fot my uncle when my aunt died he started dating after 8 months and felt guilty. Aunt had been sick for 4 years and he nursed her through her cancer and supported her to die at home. 12 years on he is still with this woman (who is lovely and knew my aunt) and I am happy he got to experience something good again. I also think my aunt would have wanted that. In fact I suspect she put them in their paths to meet. (I believe in an afterlife)

Stepdad. Took him 8 years and he is not "dating" he just has a "female friend he spends time with" 😁I told him mum has been dead a long time you deserve to be happy.

My dad when his wife died 15 years ago he has never looked for anyone else. Says he wants to be buried with her.

I think all 3 men did it right. Aka there is no right time. Just the time that happens for you.

Of course she does, and we have never once stood in her way.

A friend of mine was a widow in late 40s, her DH had fought cancer 3 times before sadly losing his fight.

Six months after she was on POF and 18 months after she was engaged to a nice man. Good for her but it’s different for everyone.

I think unless you have experienced the gut wrenching aloneness which follows spousal bereavement you have no right to judge.

Its one thing to be concerned they are being taken advantage of, quite another to expect them to live alone in long term widowhood to conform to someone else's expectations.

I haven't judged.

I didn't expect her to live alone in long term widowhood.

I started dating 2 and half years after my husband died. I wasn't ready before.

So why has her remarrying damaged her relationships with you and your siblings?

Not that it's really any of your business, but because:

• we never had any support from her or wider family while we were also grieving, everyone was very much focused on her.
• we had to sort out everything with our fathers estate, the funeral etc alone with no help from her.
• we were running ourselves ragged keeping her going in the first few months after losing dad.
• as soon as she met this new man it was like a switch had flipped and she disappeared for months on end to the other end of the country where he lived. And still does.
• she was pressuring us to be mates with her new family so we could all play happy families long before my siblings and I were ready and while we were still grieving, and she didn't respect that
• she no longer really contacts us or bothers with us anymore because we weren't ready to blend with said new family less than a year after losing our father in some fairly horrid circumstances.

I think the difference between these examples and the thread yesterday is the widower in question is very much giving off red flags that he's not ready to be dating.

Promising the OP of that thread marriage and babies when they've only been dating six months, and only nine months after his partner died of cancer, leaving two young kids behind.

He is clearly in panic mode and love bombing the OP, who is desperate to secure a place in his family.

I think she's going to get very hurt if she doesn't keep a check on reality.

Here's the thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4907750-dating-a-widower

So why did it cause so much damage?

You made it relevant to the thread when you blamed your mother's marriage for damaging family relationships.

In effect what you are saying is that she didn't centre you in those early months of bereavement. I come back to my point that if you haven't experienced it then its very difficult to understand the mindgames it plays on you. If you think she was taken advantage of in early bereavement then that is a worry and it does happen.

I would also say its normal for wider family to focus primarily on the bereaved partner where the children are already adults and may have their own partners for support. When she tried to bring you all together with he new partner did you say "wish you luck but not quite ready to accept a new step dad yet" or did you mutually avoid the conversations?

In effect what you are saying is that she didn't centre you in those early months of bereavement.

No, what I'm saying is that we were barely acknowledged.

where the children are already adults and may have their own partner

Very young adults at the time (one only just out of teens) and no partners.

When she tried to bring you all together with he new partner did you say "wish you luck but not quite ready to accept a new step dad yet" or did you mutually avoid the conversations?

I told her it was too soon for us and she needed to allow us time to adjust. She made all the right noises and went right back to behaving as before.

I have not been through this, but absolutely no judgement at all.

Fuck being miserable; if dating helps or moving on quickly helps, so be it, as long as the other person doesn't get hurt.

The dead are gone; they're not 'honoured' by their partner being lonely for the rest of time.

I'm just coming up to 3 years widowed and only just thinking (but not doing anything) about it. Everyone is different, there is no book on it. I wouldn't judge anyone for there choices, grief affects us all differently, It's really hard, people don't think about how bone numbing lonely it can be ! The person you chatted to about Coronation Street, Bin day, price of bread isn't there and even with great friends/family they can't replicate that.

Thanks for all the different views. I'm 9 months after loosing DH to cancer and although I have lots of friends, I'm still incredibly lonely. We don't have any children but I don't want to add any further upset to his siblings. I didn't expect to want to be with anyone else this soon and feel guilty about even thinking of it yet I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone.

Can I ask what you feel the right time would have been?

I was widowed 3.5 years ago and started dating 2.5 years ago. My DD 22 still won't see or talk to my boyfriend.

If he comes round she goes upstairs.

I try not to push it, but I do now feel she is being selfish. She is happily living her life but it feels like she just wants me to sit at home on my own.

Only you will know when it is right for you.

I was adamant I wouldn't date again but at 2.5 years in, I changed my mine. I met someone and we have been together a year

Hello, I will PM you so as not to derail the thread if that's OK.