Dating after bereavement

[Gem7555]

What do you consider to be an acceptable period before dating after the death of a husband or wife?

I would think it's up to the individual and the circumstances...

We're all different of course, but for me personally, a couple of years at least.

Is this personal experience or just hypothetical?

I think it depends. If they died after a long illness, the spouse may have done some of the grieving before the death. If it was a sudden accident or something, the shock of it could take longer. But grief is individual to every person and every relationship, so there are no hard and fast rules, much as the Victorians had expectations of full mourning for a year, then half mourning and so on.

Having said that, all the first birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries without the deceased can be hard.

But equally it would depend who a new relationship is with. A good person would allow space for grief and sadness to bubble up at times and take it slowly; others might get jealous.

There are no rules, really.

No rules. Some might date quickly just because they need that for comfort or companionship. I can't imagine doing that but it doesn't mean someone else is wrong if that is right for them.

Who can say what's 'acceptable'? It depends on the person and the marriage.

My mum never dated once after Dad died, she said she'd had the best man on Earth for 52 years and didn't need or want another. My aunt started dating at about 9 months and remarried at about 15 months. Both had wonderful marriages and nursed their husbands through long illnesses. Both had fulfilling lives after their husbands died. Mum as a busy and active widow, Auntie as a married woman.

I can't see myself ever dating if I should lose DH. Life has been wonderful and I'll be happy with my memories and live out my life as my mum did, happily living on my own and doing exactly as I choose. But if I'd become a widow during my first marriage, I'd have danced a jig and been 'on the prowl' the day after the funeral.

At least a year.

I've never lost a spouse and I can't imagine what that feels like, so I would say whenever the person is ready is perfectly fine.

Whenever you feel ready. You may start to date and then realise you're not quite ready. You won't know what's acceptable or right for you (or whoever you mean) until it happens.

Certainly going from todays threads I'd say dating a widower three months after the mother of his child died - not good

But I think anyone of sane mind could have seen that.

I think that men that have been in happy marriages tend to marry quicker as they have known love and want that again. I believe most women (esp young widows with children) are more apt to wait longer. Myself. I have never been widowed, however my first husband was an abusive monster. My second who I have now been married to for 20 years , while not perfect , has been a wonderful husband who I know loves me and always makes sure that I come first in his life. So for me. If god forbid my husband passed, I would not even think of dating (I am 55) I have been married to the worst, and married to the best. That is a fifty fifty shot and I would never take that risk. If I lose my husband, I will live with the happy memories and be content in a single life with my friends and children and grandkids

I tried dating after dp died & came to the conclusion I prefer to be alone with my memories of him.

No rules, we all have different coping mechanisms.

I met someone a year after losing my partner. I'm sure people thought it too soon, but they hadn't walked in my shoes. Felt the loneliness.

As a widow I have no idea how to answer this. It completely depends on the individual.

Why does there need to be an "approved" timeline? What is the actual question you want answered?

Also a widow, I don't think you can judge unless you've been there. I'm 3 years on from my dh death and haven't dated, I wouldn't rule it out completely , I'm 42 so maybe depends on the age you are too. My mil was widowed in her early 60s and I can't see her ever dating again

It's nearly 3 years since my DP died, and although I'm lonely and would quite like another relationship, I don't think it would ever work. My DP was the kindest, funniest, cleverest person I have ever known and no-one else would come close.

@C8H10N4O2 there was another post yesterday on relationships from a woman who'd started dating a widower 3 months after the mother of his child died.

to put it quite frankly she was behaving like a toddler having a tantrum as the relationship wasn't progressing the way she wanted it to. Didn't give a fuck about the grieving kids.

I did wonder if she'd come back and ask again but omit all the facts.

I think it's no one else's business, as a former widow myself.

I waited 6 years. Met someone within 4 months and married them 4 years later. Blissfully happy.

Whats it got to do with anyone else?

The deceased are not coming back, they are gone, have no opinions and the surviving partner can do what the heck they like.

I was dating someone 6 weeks after my partner died in an accident, i know people tut tutted but so fucking what? they weren't living through a fucking nightmare, arseholes the lot of them.

Depends so much on circumstances, the individual and lots more. Men seem to move on more quickly than women do - I know several women whose husbands died when they were in their 50s and they have never even dated again. My partner of 5 years died last November - I nursed for 18 months him through an horrific breakdown and subsequent alcoholism before he moved away then died 3 months later - I honestly can't even contemplate dating or anything ever again and we weren't even living together or married!

The only “rule” I read was don’t make any big decisions, changes in the first year. I did ( sold house, moved) BIG mistake.
I think it’s easy to think you want to run back into what you had and it and getting involved too soon could be a rebound.

If it is the OP of that thread then she is asking the wrong question here.

For the question here my answer would be the same either way - the bereaved party should start dating when they feel they want to and are ready. I believe statistically widowers tend to start dating early and remarry earlier than widows. That fits with my observations but not sure how significant the difference is.

For the non bereaved party dating a widow/er is a minefield and there is often no winning. In any normal relationship with a man if he was telling you he loved you, wanted to have children with you, make the relationship permanent after six months but wouldn't introduce you to even his adult family as a "friend" at that stage I'd be giving him the side eye because either he isn't really ready to move on or he is trying it on. The non bereaved party also has to effectively live with the knowledge that they are sharing their DP with the deceased in a way which is wholly different from divorce.

So OP - I think the question you need to be asking here in that situation would be "How do I know that my widower partner is really ready to build a new permanent relationship?" because if you are the OP from the other thread - I don't think he does sound ready for that.

After we lost our father unexpectedly, my mother (age 59) met someone within six months and six months later they were engaged, and married very shortly after that.

I wouldn't say it's unacceptable, but it's fair to say it has caused a good bit of damage to the relationship between her and her children.