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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my sister not to drop me because she has had a massive redundancy payment

32 replies

ALMummy · 05/03/2008 18:51

and is scared that I might expect some of the £1200.00 back that I gave her over the course of a year about 6 years ago.

Her circumstances were not great back than, poorly paid job and break up of a relationship etc. Over the course of a year or two I probably gave her about £1200 or more just to help her out and then wrote it off because I knew there was no way she would be able to pay it back at that time.

Now I am a SAHM and in much reduced circumstances. She has just been made redundant with a very favourable package and has suddenly stopped taking my calls. I honestly DONT want any of the money back but I sort of feel a bit resentful that she is avoiding me just in case I do. My parents think she should pay me back at least some of it because things are financially tight for me and she knows it. Honest answers please. I can take it

OP posts:

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 05/03/2008 18:55

I would call her. If you really don't want it back then don't mention it or just talk to her as you would have done if you hadn't have given her the money back then. It would be nice if she did pay you something but that is down to how she feels. What was said when you first gave her the money?

God, I waffle on.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 05/03/2008 18:56

It sounds like she knows she should pay you back now she can but is hoping you waon't ask. Hence the lack of calls.

Or maybe she is planning a surprise and might give it away if she spoke to you??

Original poster

ALMummy · 05/03/2008 19:00

Definitely the first NAB.

No chance whatsoever of it being the second. She is just not like that.

I have tried to call her a few times but she doesnt pick up and doesnt return my calls.

OP posts:

Miggsie · 05/03/2008 19:10

...sounds like she is a taker, not a giver

Apologies for being so negative but it's the gut reaction from reading this...

Money does funny things to people...

nametaken · 05/03/2008 19:57

Send her a nice little note on a pretty card saying

Dear Sister, hope everything's OK. Have phoned a few times recently but have been unable to catch you at home and just wanted to make sure your OK.

Also, congratulations on your redundancy payout - I really am truly and genuinly pleased for you. Please don't think that I would ask for any of that £1200 back because I'd never do a thing like that. That money was a gift to help you in your time of need and I DO NOT WANT IT BACK. I just want to speak to you like we always used to.

Please call

Or something along those lines

beeper · 05/03/2008 20:00

You do want it back...cmon..at least be honest.

She may have had a pay out but she has still been made 'redundant' there is a stigma to that. A big payout is no compensation for a regular wage and a steady job.

Original poster

ALMummy · 05/03/2008 20:03

beeper I honestly dont. I just feel a bit crap because I have always, always helped her out in her times of need and I find this avoidance of me pretty hurtful. Like hanging on to her money is more important than having contact with DC and me.

Plus it was voluntary redundancy because she wanted the big lump sum and she already has another job.

OP posts:

beeper · 05/03/2008 20:07

Ok....I believe you...But I would want it back LOL

QuintessentialShadow · 05/03/2008 20:10

Money does funny things to people. You have already accepted that she is a money grabber, and you not, right? If the amount is much larger than £1200, you might just approach her and say, "look, my situation is tight, and yours is not right now. Can you please lend me £1200?" See what she says.

Kewcumber · 05/03/2008 20:13

I think I would want her to offer it back more than I would actually want it back (IYSWIM)

Original poster

ALMummy · 05/03/2008 20:15

Is a great deal larger than that amount. She would have a heart attack if I asked her for money thus her avoidance of me for fear that I might. Maybe she does not want to see me in case she feels obligated to help out. Could be for the best because I would hate that. Its a shame because I know I will always think less of her for this.

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 05/03/2008 20:16

I used to be frequently disappointed by people with respect to money. I once lent a boyfriend a shedload of money to avoid him having to cash in policies before their term to cover a short term cash problem in his business (I mean 5 figures). We subsequently broke up and it took a couple of months to get the money back. He paid it bac wihtout adding a penny interest or even a bunch of floweres - bloody cheapskate I know we didn;t have any agreement and it was relaly about the money, but a binch of floweres would have been nice.

Doesn't happen to me anymore - no money to lend!

Kewcumber · 05/03/2008 20:18

it wasn't really about the money

Original poster

ALMummy · 05/03/2008 20:18

Same here Kewcumber. I would even be embarassed if she did offer to pay it back but she could at least buy my kids a little present or something FFS.

OP posts:

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 06/03/2008 11:26

When you originally gave her the money, did she ask, drop hints or did you see she was stuck and just helped her out?

Original poster

ALMummy · 06/03/2008 13:53

She asked most of the time but sometimes I did see that she needed it and pre empted her so she didnt always have to ask. I was thinking about this and I realised that the first money I ever gave her was £200.00 when she was 18 and then there were various loans/monetary gifts whatever you want to call it right up till she was about 27 so it is actually considerably more that I have given her. She is very tight incidentally. When DH and I go out for drinks or a meal with her she generally pleads poverty and doesnt end up paying anything or only buying one round or something like that. She is 5 years younger than me so in the beginning it was a case of me taking my younger sister out so she didnt really have to pay but that has never changed and she is in her thirties now. If she does pay then the bill is strictly split in half whereas over the years I have often paid for meals for her.

Probably this is why I have no money now and she has loads

OP posts:

Catzy · 06/03/2008 14:09

Are you sure she's ignoring you? It doesn't sound like much of a sister if she is.

I'd just leave messages asking her to let you know if shes ok.

Original poster

ALMummy · 06/03/2008 14:12

Shes ignoring me Catzy. Have left messages on her phone, texted her and also left messages on her face book message boards. Its been a couple of months now. I only heard she had a new job through my Mum.

OP posts:

kitsmummy · 06/03/2008 14:13

Flipping heck, everyone is being v kind and considerate towards your sister on this thread. I'd be mightily pissed off if I was you - you lent it to her when things were difficult for her and now the tables have turned - she should be giving you the money back now without any hesitation. I know you haven't asked for it and it's not what you want but seriously, she's taking the p*ss by not even taking your calls!

Weegle · 06/03/2008 14:23

have you told your parent's how you feel and the fact she isn't taking your calls? what do they think?

the sad thing is that whatever happens now you are always going to think differently of her because of this.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 06/03/2008 14:23

It is 2 months since she last took your calls??

What a selfish little girl!

skidoodle · 06/03/2008 14:32

well you should think less of her: she's a selfish bitch

she may be your sister, and I'm very big on family, but if my sister ever treated me like this I would completely cut her off.

your parents must be mortified to have raised such a horrible person.

Original poster

ALMummy · 06/03/2008 14:32

My parents think she should give me some if not all of it back but I have made them swear not to say anything to her about it. We have not spoken since Christmas Eve.

OP posts:

HereComeTheGirls · 07/03/2008 11:13

YANBU. She clearly thinks £1200 is more important than contact with her own sister..she needs to seriously rethink her priorities!!

Elasticwoman · 07/03/2008 22:39

Have you tried writing to her and asking directly why she is not speaking to you? Ask how you have offended her. If she continues not to answer your calls and other attempts at communication you might let a rumour reach her that you are going to turn up unexpectedly at her house and see what effect that has. (Might be quite entertaining).

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