Sick of in laws

[Bamboolampsandscandichairs]

I’m sick of my in laws. I’ve had issues with my MIL since the beginning of my marriage. We are an Asian family so there are some cultural things that I don’t agree with. For example, DIL are supposed to help and look after in MIL and FIL. At the moment MIL is perfectly capable of doing everything but likes everyone else doing chores for her. I’ve had a terrible week at work and on top my dad and two other family members have been diagnosed with chronic conditions so I’ve been in and out of hospitals. On the day when im off work, this woman has the audacity to message me to come and help her for a big dinner she’s throwing for her friends. Honestly I have no time for this. I’ve agreed but im fuming.

i honestly want to leave my marriage as I absolutely cannot be asked to do additional jobs for MIL on top of everything on my own plate. DH says don’t do it but if I don’t MIL will throw a tantrum. I’ve already established boundaries with her but she doesn’t seem to understand

Just block her.

If DH is on your side on this then he deals with any fallout.

Culture is the root of all problems, you are under no obligation to serve them, but out of goodness if you do it does help build the relationship. You sound overwhelmed and it's not fair you have to do everything else on top of your own work and own family commitments. First of all get your husband's support and make him understand that you no longer want this set up, and don't let no one push your boundaries. You could always offer your help when your available, but don't go above and beyond. Stand up for yourself.

On the day when im off work, this woman has the audacity to message me to come and help her for a big dinner she’s throwing for her friends. Honestly I have no time for this. I’ve agreed but im fuming.

This is on you. No one held a gun to your head and made you agree. You could have easily said no.

I’ve already established boundaries with her but she doesn’t seem to understand

How can you expect her to understand when you aren't even capable of enforcing the boundaries you created?

Your husband is supporting you. Go with that option before using divorce as a solution.

I think if you don’t come from a certain cultural background it would be very difficult for you to understand. We’ve been brought up in a culture where you have to please people and especially elders and even more if it is your in laws. Ofcourse I could have said no, but her reaction would have made my life more miserable than spending a day cooking in the kitchen.

Clearly you haven't established boundaries because here you are doing what she wants your DH tells you not to. You don't want to. So don't. And deal with MIL sulks etc.

Ofcourse I could have said no, but her reaction would have made my life more miserable than spending a day cooking in the kitchen.

Again, this is on you. This type of incident happens in every kind of family, regardless of culture. Power plays between family members are not exclusive to any culture. How you choose to deal with it is your responsibility. The sooner you learn, and embrace, that you are not responsible for her "reactions", the happier you will be. Let her throw her toys out of her pram all she wants. She's only embarrassing herself.

If your DH is telling you not to do it, then don't do it! It's his Mum, and if you say you can't do something when she asks and she throws a tantrum, tell him to sort it out, but for goodness sake stop being such a doormat! Many of the women on MN would love a DH who is willing to back them when they say no to demands from their in-laws, you're in the lucky position of having one who is on your side, take advantage of it OP, unless of course you really want out of your relationship, which is a whole other situation.

Your DH is backing you up and you're still overreacting. You really want to leave your marriage because you're being supported by your husband when his mother is being batshit? Take a deep breath. For once on this forum it's not a "you have a DH problem". He's telling you to leave it, therefore he'll support you in leaving it. Block her number, have nothing to do with her. DH will get the backlash but it looks like he's prepared to do so.
You're already got everything you need to stop pandering to this woman. Just take a deep breath, realise you're very lucky and do not engage with MIL simply because you don't need to. Go forward with the same attitude.
If there are problems beside this in your marriage then that's another issue.

Would your DH speak to his mum to say you are not doing these things for MIL. All very well telling you not to do them, but will he tell his mum that he told you not to do them?

You sound like you have your husbands support saying don't do them , he can also support you and tell her to stop asking you to do these as you have a lot going on. Let her throw her tantrums. Your mental health , well being and marriage is more important

First you have to decide that you don’t give a fuck what she thinks of you. This will help you with “Sorry, I can’t help you make a dinner, I’m busy.”

Do a bit of googling and practising of how to be assertive.

You don’t need to do what she wants you to do, you don’t need to make elaborate attempts to make her understand why or make excuses. You just need to be clear. I’m not doing that. She doesn’t own you - no-one does, and you can do or not do what you like.

When she asked you, were you honest with her and told her what you've said above, about work, family and health matters? If not then you can't moan about her asking. If she had still asked then you had the opportunity to say no, and get your husband to explain again why. I get cultural differences, but lots of cultural expectations are from an era when wives didn't work at all, or take on modern burdens. You have to be honest and explain that to her.
As you've already said you'd help, I think you should but in good grace and not moan about it. Just don't ever agree to do it again.

But your DH is from the same culture, and he's encouraging you not to do it. So clearly there's scope for not rolling over completely. Sorry but this one's on you.

The only way you’re going to break out of cultural obligations you don’t agree with is to refuse to do them.

It’s a shitty position to be put in. Social pressure can be very coercive and it’s no wonder that so many people roll over and keep things going. But you don’t have to.

Is your DH actually supportive of you refusing, or does he just say “Well don’t then.” to you and not actually get involved in protecting you? If he really is supportive, I would hold on to that. If it’s just lip service because the pain of refusing doesn’t really hurt him and he doesn’t want to hear your anger about it, divorce is probably a necessary part of breaking away from the obligations.

Do you live with your in laws? I imagine that must be shit if you do but if you don’t can’t you make up excuses? So sorry ur going through this..

@Bamboolampsandscandichairs

Ofcourse I could have said no, but her reaction would have made my life more miserable than spending a day cooking in the kitchen.

For THIS time, yes it would have. But what about the next time? And the one after that?

You are going to have to get over your timidity over saying "no" and deal with the temper tantrum. Otherwise the threat of her reaction is going to always hang over you and force you to do things that make you unhappy.

Think of it like toddler training. The tantrums are their way of trying to get what they want out of you. Give in and they learn that throwing a tantrum works. Give consequences for tantrums and they will instead learn that throwing the tantrums actually brings unpleasant results.

Would your dh say no on your behalf? If he explains you are too busy she might take it better from him

What boundaries do you think you’ve established when you’re running over there to cook for her whenever she asks? No is a short word op but you’ve got to start using it

I would try saying no and let her have a tantrum. Just ignore the carry on. If it gets too bad give your dh the option of you being no contact with his family, or divorce.

I voted YABU, not because I think you should help MIL but because your DH told you not to and you decided to do it anyway, you're making yourself a martyr 🤷‍♀️ say no or stop complaining!

ARe there no support groups for women in your position. You really need advice from someone of the same religion/ culture.
Are you the only DIL?

Hmm I get what everyone is saying here. I probably do need to put my foot down.

yes she does know I have a lot going on but clearly she doesn’t care. she first asked me what I was doing the next day and when I said I will be home catching up with my house chores that’s when asked.

DH is supportive but he said he will not speak to her this time as she will get upset but he will tell her in a mixed way that she needs to stop holding dinner parties in the middle of the week

she has never cooked in the time I’ve been married (10years). She has another DIL living with her who does her daily chores. MIL does not move from her seat and she’s perfectly capable. She just came from a Europe trip that she went to on her own with her friends. So it’s not like she is bed bound where she would need help 24/7.

DH and I have had many issues and not just this. There was a lot of involvement from MIL right from the beginning and she wanted me and her other DILs to live with her to look after her and her daughters. I’ve come a long way as I broke many boundaries and rules that she had.

she’s an extremely difficult person and when I mean she would throw a tantrum, it really is that (e.g. ‘fainting’).

Not really. My whole family is like this. If I say no I don’t want to, everybody (literally) will say it’s my fault for making her upset as it’s my duty to oblige and that this is a very small matter