Sick of in laws

[Bamboolampsandscandichairs]

I’m sick of my in laws. I’ve had issues with my MIL since the beginning of my marriage. We are an Asian family so there are some cultural things that I don’t agree with. For example, DIL are supposed to help and look after in MIL and FIL. At the moment MIL is perfectly capable of doing everything but likes everyone else doing chores for her. I’ve had a terrible week at work and on top my dad and two other family members have been diagnosed with chronic conditions so I’ve been in and out of hospitals. On the day when im off work, this woman has the audacity to message me to come and help her for a big dinner she’s throwing for her friends. Honestly I have no time for this. I’ve agreed but im fuming.

i honestly want to leave my marriage as I absolutely cannot be asked to do additional jobs for MIL on top of everything on my own plate. DH says don’t do it but if I don’t MIL will throw a tantrum. I’ve already established boundaries with her but she doesn’t seem to understand

@Bamboolampsandscandichairs I come from the same background and seen this kind of behaviour time and time again. funnily it happens more here than back in countries of origin as having household staff is more common there.

your MIL is a toxic brat. she is only doing this because she has gotten her way for so long. you are right in that you can't directly say no to her. but you have other options:

1. don't ever tell her you have a day 'off'. you are always busy, you are always at work etc. etc. and I would reduce going at the weekend. if you have DC, beware because she will brainwash them against you.
2. play reverse. call her at random times and say your DH is requesting he wants his mums cooking. that it has to be her. pick the worst possible time to do this. then when she says no, you have a tantrum. you tell everyone how she doesn't treat you like a daughter etc. etc. I.e. being a brat right back at her
3. go to help when asked. ruin the food. accidentally break her prize china. tell guests embarrassing things about your MIL and when she is angry just say you thought everyone knew. be a liability.
4. absolutely veto any holidays and trips abroad on the grounds of her health and your concern for her as she can't even look after herself.
5. have it out with your DH and explain that either he sorts out DM or you are out. if you don't have kids yet, remember - it will get so much worse.

Op unfortunately there is or has been a general cultural expectation on UK women to also do the "woman's" work, buying and remembering their partners family bday and buy gifts, also for Xmas.
Women's work also includes being treated baldy sometimes by in laws and the general UK cultural expectation to be nice to grandparents no matter what.

So I don't buy that we don't understand the cultural expectations put upon you because i initially followed in my mums footsteps with how I treated my unpleasant mil. Ie accepted it, and put up with it and made an effort.

Thanks to mn and other sources I started to realise being treated so badly is wrong and I didn't need to put up with it.

So I have voted you are being unreasonable because you can chose to manage this better and kindly and gently start being unavailable and start saying no.

Also to add western mils also kick off and throw tantrums and again western dil have sometimes got to a point where we don't care.
Western mills don't usually graciously accept that they've lost control.

Get your husband to do all your house chores whilst you go and help MIL.
Why you doing both?
Or just convenientely have covid each time she asks for help.

Play her at her game. Develop a 'terrible headache' which means you can't possibly go over and have to spend the day recovering. If she faints, faint back.

If you aren't willing to break the structures by telling everyone you DGAF when they ask you for something unreasonable, do the things unreasonable people do when their demands are not met.

there are 3 choices aren't there, as you have recognised already;

1. keep doing it to respect cultural expectations/keep MIL happy, at your our detriment

2. say no, to prioritise your wellbeing and suffer the fallout

3. leave your marriage

I think what you are looking for is to be able to prioritise your well being/say no without upsetting your MIL. But that just isn't going to happen.

MILs requests for help with a dinner party midweek IS ridiculous. you do NEED to look after yourself. why won't your husband speak to his mother? she's taking the piss. does she know about your family members in hospital? taking care of elderly relatives is one thing. being unpaid catering staff is another. if your husband won't protect you from her, I would be thinking of leaving also tbh

DH is supportive but he said he will not speak to her this time as she will get upset but he will tell her in a mixed way that she needs to stop holding dinner parties in the middle of the week
Ummmm, this is a bit worrying. The problem is not WHEN she holds her dinner parties, it's that she expects you to come and do her bidding ANY time!
Your dh doesn't seem to understand what the real problem here is at all. You need to be very clear if you wish to hold your boundaries with both dh and mil.
No, I am not available.
No, I am not available.
No, I am not available.
Rinse and repeat. Don't give a reason, you don't owe either of them an explanation.
Also suggest dh go every time she asks.

As an alternative can you be a bit more useless show up late, burn things, drop stuff, start crying. Make yourself more trouble than the help you provide is worth. Be less helpful.

Break the cycle! Say no and stop doing this shit. Let your dh grow a pair and stand up for you. If he doesn’t, divorce him. He’ll have you wiping her arse in a few years… do you want that?

I agree with previous posters that you need to be more assertive. But maybe this time just tell her that your sick father needs you to go over at 12 o’clock to help him with something. You wish you could stay but he is your father etc etc Then just leave.

If saying No is too hard then think of a bunch of excuses ahead of time so you’re not put on the spot. And never admit to a day off!

Also, anytime she asks for something, say you can’t make it but you’ll send DH round. DH might then get how frequent & inconvenient her requests are.

are your own family supportive OP? if you upset/alienate MIL, will other people around you, take her side? or do they agree that you should be her servant?

My ex partner is Asian and whilst his mother had no expectations of me she has fallen out with both her DIL as she’s exactly the same demanding they do things for her. Luckily their husbands have stood up for their wives and no she’s burnt her bridges with them. Ironically the one DIL (ie me) she was furious initially about (as I’m white and not same faith) is the one she’s never fallen out with. You need to start saying no, but your DH needs to back you up.

Don't go, stop being her maid! Let her throw a tantrum! So what?
Is this the model you want your children to accept and follow? Until you manage to throw out the dreadful ideas your have been brought up to accept and have internalized, you have very little hope. BUT it can be done. Be the first one to refuse.

Learn to hedge in your answers. When she asks "what are you doing on X day?" Reply with "Oh loads of things. Any particular reason you're asking?"

If you have good husband support then make boundaries and move out and leave the MIL and FIL. If he's a good guy than its worth it. (:P) If not and you don't have kids, leave this family at once, DO NOT HESITATE, please for your own sanity. I wish I had this choice. Leave girl, run and don't look back.

I would tell your husband that you feel like his mum's behaviour is putting a huge strain on the marriage, and you are not sure how much more of it you can take. He needs to feed this back to his mum, so she will back off. She won't want the 'shame' of her son divorcing, so will hopefully make a change.

Get out now. She sounds like a total and entitled arsehole.

'I've agreed but I'm fuming.'
Before dramatically leaving your marriage just say 'sorry I can't help you I'm not free today.' Then whatever tantrum she throws just ignore and tell DH he can go help her if he thinks she needs it.

I get it's your culture to obey the mil but it's also presumably in your culture to at least try to stay married