THE MENTAL LOAD

[whatonearthishappenin]

Why?

AIBU - the mental load should fall on the female

YANBU - it should not be our collective responsibility

There are SO many posts about this topic. Why on earth does it fall on the female? I am just in the middle of a break up which largely relates to the mental load. I have gotten to the point of being unable to cope with dealing with everything. Ironically the comments I have received post break up are “how will you cope with everything” and the answer, quite simply, is that it is a lot easier when not having to look after a man as well as everyone else.

So… why does it happen? Why does it predominantly fall on females?

AIBU - we are the women, the mothers, it just falls on us.

YANBU - they, the men, need to step up or do one!

@whatonearthishappenin

I've just found this post after posting something similar.

I feel like I carry the mental load for the entire household and it's exhausting. I love my DH dearly and he's a great husband in every other way but I'm really starting to resent the fact that he can just go about his business without worrying that the kids have clean uniforms, there's enough food for dinners and packed lunches, the toiletry cupboard is stocked, etc etc.

He doesn't need to worry about anything because there's always food in the cupboard and clean clothes in everyone's wardrobe. No one ever checks that there's something in the cupboard for me to have for lunch or that my gym clothes are washed. I just have to fend for myself. No one cares.

It feel worse over the last month as my DSD has loads of different Xmas events on at school, a gymnastics grading and dancing show coming up so of course I have all those dates in my head and have to make sure she wears her Xmas jumper on the right day, has leotards washed etc etc.

I broke off an engagement and 7 year relationship over this. You are not unreasonable at all. I’d love to see stats around reasons men end relationships versus why women leave relationships. It appears most women I know who call time on things do so for this reason.

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Bloody says it all

There are some people who plan and do a mullion things that are not necessary, they sign their kids up for 10 events a week, clean the house top to bottom, iron every single item, have to eat 100% from scratch. Then say the other person is not doing the same

So yes there are some useless partners but there are some people who can't say no to themselves or others

That isn't what the OP means though.
She's talking about the general day-to-day administration tasks which always seem to fall to the woman. Making sure there's food. Keeping on top of the washing. Replying to party invitations. Getting a present for their child to give to the birthday child.

The list is endless.

Because women are often the instigators of commitment - marriage, buying a house, having kids, and because we push for those things we unconsciously think we should do more of the drudgery or the man might walk away

Because our mums did it and boys grow up thinking houses just run magically without recognising the work involved

Because nobody wants to spend their life doing domestic stuff so men just don't see it, with varying shades of that being deliberate or unintentional

Because women are judged more for a messy house, scruffy child or disorganised lifestyle than men are

Because mat leave/part time working/SAHM sets us up to take on domestic tasks and we never stop doing them

Because our society, on a deeper level, thinks men are more cerebral and above the grimy, greasy, shitty work that makes everything else possible because it's been that way since time began - even when we had mixed sex teams of domestic servants in big households, the men had the plum jobs and the women scrubbed the floors and got the skid marks out of the laundry

Because men do typically earn more so it makes sense for their time to be spent on money-generating activities and the recreational activities that make them better at their jobs

Because if you nag too much or push too hard he might leave and you'll be doing everything yourself then

Because we're told women are better at multi tasking although that's usually more a result of having to get on with it because no one else will do it

Because we're taught that femininity = selflessness and we should never put ourselves first

Just a few reasons I can think of

And also - because when women entered the workplace in large numbers in the 60s/70s, we never had a national reckoning of how domestic work would get done so women just put on a smile and said they could get it all done, with the help of TV dinners/wipe clean surfaces/domestic appliances

It was never a case of a home where one partner earned and one did domestic stuff turning into a home where both partners worked a bit and both did domestic stuff a bit, women did home stuff plus work.

I don't think its that. I think its because men think if themselves first and women think of the family first. And its bloody hard to not think that way.

I'm single at the moment but even in my last relationship of 5+ years when we didn't live together, the mental load fell to me for things we both did! 🙄

This. I feel like I constantly put myself last. Even stupid things like if there's 3 packs of crisps left I'll leave them for DH and the kids and I'll go without. I ate dry cereal this morning because I used the milk and bread to make everyone else's toast, sandwiches, cereal and coffees this morning but feel like it's my fault because I should have gone to the shops last night but I couldn't be bothered because I was just back from my 3 year old nephew's party. No one else checked if there was enough bread or milk. No one cares or notices that I'm having to eat dry cereal.

I was engaged to a man who lived in my house, couldn't hold down a job and contributed very little. At the time I was working 50 hours a week and travelling for work. I'd come home and the house was a riot and he'd be on the couch in his dressing gown eating sweets and watching Netflix. I blew up at him one morning because I was packing a bag to go away for work again. It was 12pm and he was still in bed. All I said was "Are you actually going to do anything today or are you just going to lie in bed all day while I go work to keep this roof over our heads?". While I was away he texted me to say he'd taken all his stuff and moved back in with his mum because he couldn't handle the pressure of being in a relationship.

I'm going to send this to my DH. I'm sitting at work, head is spinning because I just feel so overwhelmed and exhausted right now but I'm thinking, I'll send it to him later so it doesn't put him off his work. Says it all really.

These threads are so frustrating. Stop being martyrs.
@Illpickthatup why don’t you communicate with your family about things like the food. They are not mind readers. It’s easy: ‘hey family, there’s only 3 packets of crisps left. Does anyone else want some or should we share a bag?’
’theres not enough bread/milk etc, how shall we split it? Does anyone else want something different for breakfast?’
You are bringing your kids up to be selfish and demonstrating that being a mum makes you a second class citizen. It doesn’t have to be this way.

I totally agree. Part of it is my fault for putting myself last. But why am I the only person taking stock of how much food is required for the day/week? Why am I the only person noticing that the milk is running low?

I point blank refuse to do more than my fair share of thinking, planning or doing. Always have. I come from a country where it is a lot more fair, after 15 years here it still shocks me how much my British colleagues put up with. I say colleagues not friends because I can't be friends wity martyrs.

Everyone saying they "have" to do this or that, you don't. It's a choice. The end of that sentence is of course "I have to do X or Y will happen" (a child will miss out on something/nobody will have clothes or food"). And that is shit, but it is a choice. You caring so much what will happen if you refuse do do it all is what keeps you trapped. I wasn't brought to be anyone's skivvy or manager in a domestic situation so I simply refuse to do it. No arguments, no explaining over and over and over why it isn't fair (the preferred tactics of MN posters). Just stop. Take care of yourselves and let your useless husbands swing one.

Very much depends on what he does for a career I’d say. I organise all of that in my house always have done alongside having a successful career. However husband runs successful businesses and even at home his mind is on that. He does bins, outside Xmas lights etc and ensures we have enough cash for whatever we need so to me that’s a fair trade off. If I went home tonight and didn’t want to cook he’d organise a takeaway, he doesn’t clean but pays a cleaner so whilst I carry a lot he stumps up cash when needed to lighten the load 🤣

YABU for using 'female' instead of 'woman'. That's incel-speak and dehumanising. Female is for animals or as an adjective. A human female is called a woman.

Because women allow it, simple as that.

I’m sorry but I think that this is a bit simplistic. Yes of course I could have said if you don’t clean the bathroom then I won’t do the kitchen and turn things into a trade off- and it is true at that point I wouldn’t have been doing everything, but also we would have ended up living in debt and a pigsty. It isn’t fair to expect someone to live at the standards of the lowest partner

My ex would always fall back on the argument he would do things if I asked, but they weren’t important to him which is why he never thought to do them. Things like food shops, paying bills, cleaning all apparently not important. Of course they are important- it was weaponised incompetence. He new exactly what he was doing

You're absolutely right. I'm going to have a word with him tonight. I think I put so much pressure on myself because I'm a step-mum so I constantly feel like I'm having to prove myself and worry that things won't go back to the kids mum.

The kids go to their mum's tonight until Thursday so I won't have to worry about them not being fed and clothed. I'm going to not lift a finger and show him the state the house gets in when I do nothing.

We both work full time. I work from home so I wouldn't mind doing a bit extra but it's not a bit extra, it's everything. We did have a cleaner but she's not been here since May as she was having cancer treatment. Even then although having her meant I didn't have to clean bathrooms, a 2 hour clean a week isn't enough to keep on top of things. The washing still needs done, cooking, kitchen cleaned every day, hoovering etc. She takes some tasks off my hands but not the majority. If I can't be bothered cooking we'll order takeaway. In don't want to be eating take away all the time though so I feel like I have to cook or we'd be living on takeaways. He does cook now and again but it's minimal and I usually have to ask. We agreed that he would cook on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It lasted 2 weeks then he'd forget or call me on my way back from the gym to pick up all the stuff he needed to cook a meal which completely defeats the purpose.

I earn roughly the same but that's only been a recent thing. Before that I was the higher earner. I do the bins, manage the household finances as well. He does some DIY but I usually have to nag him until he does it. He's been converting our garage for 18 months and it's still not done. He'll take the car for it's MOT, service etc. but that's once a year.

@Illpickthatup they didn’t notice about the food because they know it won’t affect them because they’ll still get what they want and they know you’ll go without.
I would struggle to be in a relationship with someone who’s idea of what a partnership is is so far away from what mine is.

Great post

I agree. When I was dating my DH he was a single father with 3 kids. So he is capable of managing a household, although his standards perhaps are not as high as mine. His house was relatively tidy but the bins were overflowing because he'd forget to take them out on bin day. There was always a carrier bag hanging on the door handle because the kitchen bin was full so instead of emptying it he'd hang a bag on the door. Not that he could empty it because the outside bins were full. There were piles of laundry because he hadn't put it away. He'd dig out clean clothes and socks from the piles in the kitchen rather than have them in drawers. This would drive me insane. I like being able to get ready in the morning and open my wardrobe and have washed and ironed clothes ready to wear. Or just take a clean school skirt and shirt from DSDs wardrobe instead of raking through piles and having to pull out the ironing board every morning.

Maybe these should have been red flags but at the time I saw it as a single dad just trying his best.