Page 2 | THE MENTAL LOAD

whatonearthishappenin · 2023-09-27T20:29:36+00:00

Why? AIBU - the mental load should fall on the female YANBU - it should not be our collective responsibility There are SO many posts about this topic. Why on earth does it fall on the female? I am just in the middle of a break up which largely relates to the mental load. I have gotten to the point of being unable to cope with dealing with everything. Ironically the comments I have received post break up are “how will you cope with everything” and the answer, quite simply, is that it is a lot easier when not having to look after a man as well as everyone else. So… why does it happen? Why does it predominantly fall on females? AIBU - we are the women, the mothers, it just falls on us. YANBU - they, the men, need to step up or do one!

Lampzade · 11/12/2023 14:04

NoCloudsAllowed · 11/12/2023 11:15

Because women are often the instigators of commitment - marriage, buying a house, having kids, and because we push for those things we unconsciously think we should do more of the drudgery or the man might walk away

Because our mums did it and boys grow up thinking houses just run magically without recognising the work involved

Because nobody wants to spend their life doing domestic stuff so men just don't see it, with varying shades of that being deliberate or unintentional

Because women are judged more for a messy house, scruffy child or disorganised lifestyle than men are

Because mat leave/part time working/SAHM sets us up to take on domestic tasks and we never stop doing them

Because our society, on a deeper level, thinks men are more cerebral and above the grimy, greasy, shitty work that makes everything else possible because it's been that way since time began - even when we had mixed sex teams of domestic servants in big households, the men had the plum jobs and the women scrubbed the floors and got the skid marks out of the laundry

Because men do typically earn more so it makes sense for their time to be spent on money-generating activities and the recreational activities that make them better at their jobs

Because if you nag too much or push too hard he might leave and you'll be doing everything yourself then

Because we're told women are better at multi tasking although that's usually more a result of having to get on with it because no one else will do it

Because we're taught that femininity = selflessness and we should never put ourselves first

Just a few reasons I can think of

Yep
All of this

Natty13 · 11/12/2023 14:16

paintingvenice · 11/12/2023 13:32

I’m sorry but I think that this is a bit simplistic. Yes of course I could have said if you don’t clean the bathroom then I won’t do the kitchen and turn things into a trade off- and it is true at that point I wouldn’t have been doing everything, but also we would have ended up living in debt and a pigsty. It isn’t fair to expect someone to live at the standards of the lowest partner

My ex would always fall back on the argument he would do things if I asked, but they weren’t important to him which is why he never thought to do them. Things like food shops, paying bills, cleaning all apparently not important. Of course they are important- it was weaponised incompetence. He new exactly what he was doing

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Yes it is simplistic because that's the unfortunate reality of either committing to someone lazy or realising you have accidentally done this and choosing to stay. It really is simple. Marrying someone who already isn't responsible is a choice, staying with someone who is comfortae to watch you rin yourself into the ground is a choice. It's a shit choice, especially if you are in love, but a choice nontheless. Nobody is forcing you all to stay with men like this?

Natty13 · 11/12/2023 14:21

Illpickthatup · 11/12/2023 13:59

I agree. When I was dating my DH he was a single father with 3 kids. So he is capable of managing a household, although his standards perhaps are not as high as mine. His house was relatively tidy but the bins were overflowing because he'd forget to take them out on bin day. There was always a carrier bag hanging on the door handle because the kitchen bin was full so instead of emptying it he'd hang a bag on the door. Not that he could empty it because the outside bins were full. There were piles of laundry because he hadn't put it away. He'd dig out clean clothes and socks from the piles in the kitchen rather than have them in drawers. This would drive me insane. I like being able to get ready in the morning and open my wardrobe and have washed and ironed clothes ready to wear. Or just take a clean school skirt and shirt from DSDs wardrobe instead of raking through piles and having to pull out the ironing board every morning.

Maybe these should have been red flags but at the time I saw it as a single dad just trying his best.

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Sorry but this is exactly what I mean. He showed you exactly what you were getting and you chose to marry him. IMO you can't really complain about it now.

It blows my mind that women see piles of laundry, overflowing bins etc and fancy that mab ebough to have sex with them. It turns my stomach. When I was single if i saw that a man lived like that it was the last time I saw them....bo surprise that I've married not 1 but 2 very responsible and theoughtful men.

Illpickthatup · 11/12/2023 14:32

Natty13 · 11/12/2023 14:21

Sorry but this is exactly what I mean. He showed you exactly what you were getting and you chose to marry him. IMO you can't really complain about it now.

It blows my mind that women see piles of laundry, overflowing bins etc and fancy that mab ebough to have sex with them. It turns my stomach. When I was single if i saw that a man lived like that it was the last time I saw them....bo surprise that I've married not 1 but 2 very responsible and theoughtful men.

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I definitely made allowances for him because at the time he was in the process of starting a new business and the house he was in was temporary and too small for all the people living there. He'd only split with his ex 6 months prior and basically took the first house available which meant he was sleeping on the couch and there wasn't enough space really for everyone's stuff. I see now that that probably wasn't the reason and he was just being lazy.

tomatoontoast · 11/12/2023 14:41

My husband carries the mental load because I won't set myself on fire to keep anyone else warm.

I do my fair share but I don't sweat the small stuff.

Illpickthatup · 11/12/2023 14:44

Natty13 · 11/12/2023 14:21

Sorry but this is exactly what I mean. He showed you exactly what you were getting and you chose to marry him. IMO you can't really complain about it now.

It blows my mind that women see piles of laundry, overflowing bins etc and fancy that mab ebough to have sex with them. It turns my stomach. When I was single if i saw that a man lived like that it was the last time I saw them....bo surprise that I've married not 1 but 2 very responsible and theoughtful men.

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Also, when we first started seeing each other he would come to mine as my house was bigger. At the time he didn't have a bedroom and was sleeping on the couch because the 2 boys were in one room and DSD in the other. When I did go round to his he obviously made an effort to tidy up beforehand so I didn't really see the issues until further down the line after I met the kids and was spending more time at his. By which point things were serious.

Natty13 · 11/12/2023 15:00

Illpickthatup · 11/12/2023 14:44

Also, when we first started seeing each other he would come to mine as my house was bigger. At the time he didn't have a bedroom and was sleeping on the couch because the 2 boys were in one room and DSD in the other. When I did go round to his he obviously made an effort to tidy up beforehand so I didn't really see the issues until further down the line after I met the kids and was spending more time at his. By which point things were serious.

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As I said, that was your choice. I've walked away from serious relationships when it became apparent I'd missed/they'd hidden red flags.

Talking about how unfair and draining it is on MN doesn't change the reality for anyone. Either pick a better man to marry, leave them once they show their true colours or stay and accept you'll be doing it all forever (and taking years off your life in the process).

FlamingoYellow · 11/12/2023 15:05

Natty13 · 11/12/2023 12:55

I point blank refuse to do more than my fair share of thinking, planning or doing. Always have. I come from a country where it is a lot more fair, after 15 years here it still shocks me how much my British colleagues put up with. I say colleagues not friends because I can't be friends wity martyrs.

Everyone saying they "have" to do this or that, you don't. It's a choice. The end of that sentence is of course "I have to do X or Y will happen" (a child will miss out on something/nobody will have clothes or food"). And that is shit, but it is a choice. You caring so much what will happen if you refuse do do it all is what keeps you trapped. I wasn't brought to be anyone's skivvy or manager in a domestic situation so I simply refuse to do it. No arguments, no explaining over and over and over why it isn't fair (the preferred tactics of MN posters). Just stop. Take care of yourselves and let your useless husbands swing one.

How does this actually work in practise though?

Last week my children's school sent round a message to all parents to say our dc will be having swimming lessons every Wednesday and need to bring in their kit for this. Their dad will not have bothered reading this message. If I tell him about the message (so already taking charge of the mental load) then he will likely forget anyway. Dc has SEN and so will not remember. So do I just ignore it all and let DC miss out on the swimming (that I've had to pay for) because their dad is incapable of remembering?

Same situation with any extra curricular groups the dcs attend which land on his days, gp/dentist/hospital appointments which I can only book for a day he has them. Oh and stuff like homework, practising spellings and times tables, listening to them read - I have to cram in a week's worth of this into the 50% of the week I have them so that they dont fall behind at school, while his time with them is just fun stuff. I, of course, tried the approach of just letting him fuck up (when we were still together) but it had absolutely no effect. He just doesn't give a shit.

Pre kids he did at least 50% of the housework and general life admin. Part of the reason I was so set on marrying him was because I thought he would be an equal partner.

Jules912 · 11/12/2023 21:42

We do it that I deal with stuff for DC and DH does house /car stuff including meal planning and cooking( and we each organise our own appointments etc with a shared calendar to make sure we're not both out at the same time). No it's still not a fair distribution but I don't mind too much as I work part time and can't think of a better way. I could tell DH to do X for the children, and do if it's logistically easier, and he happily does it but that doesn't help with mental load. But him just doing it also wouldn't work as we'd end up doing it twice.

Allfur · 11/12/2023 21:47

We share it mostly, although it's not a perfect system!

Maddy70 · 11/12/2023 21:49

I'm not sure it does I think it falls on The most capable person closest to the individual.

Tandora · 11/12/2023 22:02

WandaWonder · 11/12/2023 11:08

There are some people who plan and do a mullion things that are not necessary, they sign their kids up for 10 events a week, clean the house top to bottom, iron every single item, have to eat 100% from scratch. Then say the other person is not doing the same

So yes there are some useless partners but there are some people who can't say no to themselves or others

I am so far from being anything g like one of these people. Yet I am totally exhausted from carrying the ENTIRE mental load in my marriage

Curlywurlycaz2 · 12/12/2023 06:07

WandaWonder · 11/12/2023 11:08

There are some people who plan and do a mullion things that are not necessary, they sign their kids up for 10 events a week, clean the house top to bottom, iron every single item, have to eat 100% from scratch. Then say the other person is not doing the same

So yes there are some useless partners but there are some people who can't say no to themselves or others

There is an element of this.

I'm doing a lot of soul searching about my own relationship that ended. There were issues about the mental load. But there was also really poor communication on my part about my own needs and expectations in the relationship. So yeh, make of that what you will.

WhatNoSauce · 12/12/2023 06:15

Because women allow it, instead of being clear with their expectations right at the very start.
Then if the expectations fall short, instead of pulling him up on it, they do it themselves.
They set themselves up for it.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 12/12/2023 06:41

I don't mind that I carry the mental load. Now our DD is older, it's definitely eased with regards to looking after her.

I do meal plan, shop, do the washing, but my husband does everything to do with looking after the house. All the DIY, painting, decorating, laying the wooden floor, fixing lights. He's always working on projects to improve our home and make it better.

So whilst we do traditionally carry out stereotypical roles, I definitely feel like we have a fair distribution of labour, mentally as well as physically, as I just don't notice DIY jobs that need doing, but there is always something going on in dh's head that needs to be done to make our home safer and improved. So I don't have the mental load of worrying about things that need repairing.

He also maintains the cars and deals with most of the bills - insurance, renewals, gas electric provider etc.

I think it's fair.

RedheadRedBed · 12/12/2023 06:43

ssd · 11/12/2023 11:18

I don't think its that. I think its because men think if themselves first and women think of the family first. And its bloody hard to not think that way.

That is true . A relative is a prison officer and has worked in various prisons. They noticed that the women fretted about the family on the outside whereas men were concerned about themselves and their environment.