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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you discipline your child?

31 replies

itsreallymylife · 27/09/2023 17:23

I am so exhausted my dd nearly 6 will not do anything I ask, will shout and swear and violently attack, she is making home life so hard for all the family.
She deliberately winds everyone up and the swearing and name calling is repetitive.
I made a recent thread about her behaviour and it was suggested that she could have SEN. I am in the process of trying to get her assessed but it's very early days and the school don't see this happening as she masks at school.
It was suggested on my last thread that she may have ODD which I think is likely but at this stage unofficial.
I need some way of disciplining her, as nothing works and she's tearing the family apart, she won't do anything she's told is constantly destroying the home and the screaming it's got to the point I'm just not enjoying life anymore and if it wasn't for my other children I would have walked away.
I know I sound awful but there's no disciplining her and she's out of control and I'm out of hope.

Has anyone got any ideas that could help us through this?
Sorry if it seems like a very similar post to my last but I had some great advice about SEN and assessment and we've hopefully got the ball rolling.
I just need to know how to cope with her now.

OP posts:

Nuttyroche · 27/09/2023 17:26

ask, will shout and swear and violently attack, she is making home life so hard for all the family

this sounds very extreme for a 6 year old

in fact for any age.

I would be urgently talking to her school and desperately asking for guidance

OliveWah · 27/09/2023 17:36

I agree with asking school for advice, you could also try your GP. It sounds really hard, I think in your shoes I would be reaching out to everyone I could think of for help, perhaps even social services?

UpaladderwatchingTV · 27/09/2023 17:38

I'm SO sorry you're going through this OP. Unfortunately I don't have any advice to offer, but just wanted to give my support.

FFSWhatToDoNow · 27/09/2023 17:39

Discipline means to learn. It’s not sure whether you’re using it to mean punish. Her behaviour is communication. She needs help, not punishment.

Meeting · 27/09/2023 17:42

If she's physically attacking then I think you need to learn some methods of safe restraint now before she gets older and stronger.

Original poster

itsreallymylife · 27/09/2023 17:46

This is the full story so as to not be repeating it all but she is getting worse and worse.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am iibeingunreasonable/4894671-to-be-scared-of-my-nearly-6-year-old

I've taken all the outside steps I can I just need to get through day to day and stay sane.

OP posts:

Nuttyroche · 27/09/2023 17:48

Have you engaged with her school??

they may well be able to signpost you

Original poster

itsreallymylife · 27/09/2023 17:51

Yes I've spoken to school and GP. She's actually fine at school, It's just at home now I really can't control her.

OP posts:

MidnightOnceMore · 27/09/2023 17:52

If you suspect ODD you can parent that way anyway https://www.healthyplace.com/parenting/odd/parenting-a-child-with-oppositional-defiant-disorder-odd

Key aspects are picking your battles and accepting you can't control your child's responses/choices.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/09/2023 17:54

Not sure if it helps as I remember your previous thread and your child sounds like there are additional medical needs. I would remove from the situation, physical violence you aren’t allowed to be with everyone. I’d even get a very tall stair gate for her door if needed.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 27/09/2023 17:55

Answering your OP- I like the time out step (or naughty step) as it gives them 5 minutes to get their cries out and calm down enough for a sensible conversation.

However, in your situation I think it sounds like you suspect other issues contributing to this behaviour so I would explore those further.

Whereforartthoudave · 27/09/2023 17:57

Put her in her room. Cool everyone down. No devices obvs. Every time.

Packedlunchoftinkywinky · 27/09/2023 18:02

Have you heard of Non Violent Resistance? It’s a way of parenting children who are destructive and violent. There’s a great book with how to implement it by Haim Omer. Shows you how to address behaviour, how to stand up to behaviours and which to focus on first.

Blueeyedmale · 27/09/2023 18:06

I've never believed in physical discipline,when my son was younger it was go to your room take 10 minutes to calm down then come back

Tismmum · 27/09/2023 18:06

I highly recommend the book 'The Explosive Child' it really helped with my child (also waiting for SEN assessments). The collaborative approach.

Have you looked at autism (and PDA), ADHD and sensory processing disorder as well as ODD? They often go together in some combination.

Original poster

itsreallymylife · 27/09/2023 18:08

I think today has just been a particularly hard day and I feel so alone with dh at work.
You can take time off work for stress but you can't take time out of life, I'm trying my best to keep going but it's so hard and I feel sorry for my other children.

OP posts:

Original poster

itsreallymylife · 27/09/2023 18:12

Whereforartthoudave · 27/09/2023 17:57

Put her in her room. Cool everyone down. No devices obvs. Every time.

I try this but she says no, and if I carry her in and shut the door she will walk straight out. This is why the naughty step doesn't work because she won't go on it.

OP posts:

Garlicnaan · 27/09/2023 18:13

As far as I know, I think it's unusual for ODD not to present at school and only at home.

I'd say it's more likely to be something like PDA.

Unfortunately I don't think discipline as you mean it will be much help. These might in the longer term:

No. 1 - you need to stay calm and regulated even when she's losing her shit. Consistently.

No. 2 - reduce demands on her to the absolute bare minimum. Keep a regular yet minimal routine. Lots of downtime. Lots of calm and quiet. Cancel plans if you have to. Read about PDA approaches.

No. 3 - use PACE in your approach towards her.

Is she happier when not in school?

Can you take her out for a bit if yes?

Garlicnaan · 27/09/2023 18:14

If you work, can you take some emergency time off so you can rest and relax during school hours?

Garlicnaan · 27/09/2023 18:16

Honestly what I do when my DC is kicking off? I calmly get down on their level and offer a hug. I try not to say too much.

Emotionallyoverwhelmed · 27/09/2023 18:21

Punishment rarely has any benefit, so I think your choices are to contain, restrain or find something that helps her regulate. Some kids need a weighted blanket, others a trampoline, some need to be alone in their room (yes even watching a screen!) and some need a hug, no child is the same SEN or otherwise, but SEN children often find it harder to regulate their emotions than you would expect for their age, so a 6 year old with SEN might benefit from the same kind of strategies you would normally use on a 2 or 3 year old, like giving them a hug and a biscuit, or a comfort blanket, a special toy or a story.

Original poster

itsreallymylife · 27/09/2023 18:26

I've just bought her a giant squishmallow in the hope she can cuddle it but also punch it if she needs without hurting me or a sibling.

OP posts:

YeahNoYeah · 27/09/2023 18:32

I'm surprised she's absolutely fine at school when her behaviour is like this at home! A lock for the door? Strapped in a large pram? I don't know I'm just trying to think of obvious things in the moment when she's attacking and it's a risk to others.

Dramatic · 27/09/2023 18:36

I don't think ODD is usually able to be masked over at school, I think she'd at least be showing some signs there if it was that.

Original poster

itsreallymylife · 27/09/2023 18:44

Sometimes I need her to listen to instructions for her own safety. I can't walk anywhere with her because she runs off and out in the road, I can't take her in the car because she undoes her seatbelt.
You can say no until your blue in the face and it's like talking to a brick wall.

OP posts:

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