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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think it’s true that a totally absent parent is better than a flakey one?

29 replies

Anitaare · 27/09/2023 07:53

I have always thought SOME involvement was better than nothing. However, my ex has mental health issues, paranoia, recovering alcoholic, erratic behaviour. He has been inconsistent since ds was born and saw him once in his first year, despite numerous arrangements that he failed to follow through with. It causes me a lot of anxiety to correspond with him as he can be unpredictable and take offence to things I’ve quite literally not even said! I can draft a response in the most polite way and he will often read into it… it exhausts me. He was v abusive towards me in the relationship and I have had to put that to one side with ds in mind. I find it very hard. Now ds is coming up to three, he’s seen him four times, the last time was 8 months ago. I have to really push for these meetings and I do not hear from ex with any plans unless I’ve instigated contact. He sees DS reluctantly and I know he would have zero involvement if I didn’t contact.

My family say to cut contact entirely but I don’t know if that will damage ds? So far he doesn’t properly associate ex as his dad or miss him as he hasn’t spent proper time with him. Don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Catza · 27/09/2023 07:57

No contact is absolutely fine. Speaking from experience.
Your child is more likely to pick up issues when being faced with inconsistent parent who lets him down. Does your kid ask much about seeing dad? If not, then I wouldn't bother initiating contact.

Nuttyroche · 27/09/2023 07:58

What I can’t fathom is why you are pushing contact with someone “reluctant” to be with his son.

Do you leave him alone with him?

Nuttyroche · 27/09/2023 07:59

What you describe isn’t a “flakey” parent

it is a reluctant and likely pretty negligent when alone with your child, parent

Nuttyroche · 27/09/2023 08:00

Does he pay cms?

Original poster
Anitaare · 27/09/2023 08:00

@Catza no hasn’t asked yet. I guess they might soon?!

@Anitaare I thought it was right to try and involve him. He takes him on a walk or plays with him in the house. I don’t spend time directly with him and he’s only ever there for an hour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anitaare · 27/09/2023 08:01

Sorry that was to @Nuttyroche not to myself! Haha

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 27/09/2023 08:03

Honestly cut ties I have children by two different fathers dad number one stayed around for a bit then got a new relationship and disappeared when she got pregnant caused some upset but not too much as she was young at the time

The boys dad it was very different he has been in and out for YEARS massively impacted the kids not so much ds2 because he chose quite early on that he disliked his dad and refused seeing him ds1 tried and tried and this year gave up he is furious, furious I get the blame furious for being ditched by his father furious because he is off playing happy family with his girlfriend (possibly wife by now) he is also a teenager so furious about a lot of things but it's affected him badly if I could go back in time I would not encourage him to go especially when I could see which way it was going

Nuttyroche · 27/09/2023 08:04

Anitaare · 27/09/2023 08:00

@Catza no hasn’t asked yet. I guess they might soon?!

@Anitaare I thought it was right to try and involve him. He takes him on a walk or plays with him in the house. I don’t spend time directly with him and he’s only ever there for an hour.

So 4 hours in 8 months

No doubt very awkward for everyone including your child

he isn’t “flakey” op. You are forcing contact who is reluctant to be with his child. It’s despicable and I wouldn’t be pursuing contact

CoffeeLover90 · 27/09/2023 08:06

DS has an absent 'father' we were together until he was 3, very abusive, did nothing to care for DS. When he was finally gone I tried to arrange supervised contact, he did not, I have a restraining order so can't do it and would never dream of it anyway. He'll tell everyone it's my fault, I've stopped contact but I don't care.
Now, even if he did try to arrange something, I'd refuse. It would be too damaging for DS, who is the happiest he's ever been, and I'd imagine that he'd end up acting like your ex at some point.
Honestly, I would just stop getting touch, leave it to him and if contact stops so be it. You've done nothing wrong and it's not your responsibility to force him to parent.

Nuttyroche · 27/09/2023 08:07

@CoffeeLover90

When he was finally gone I tried to arrange supervised contact, he did not, I have a restraining order so can't do it and would never dream of it anyway.

confused. You had a restraining order but tried to arrange contact?

Catza · 27/09/2023 08:15

Anitaare · 27/09/2023 08:00

@Catza no hasn’t asked yet. I guess they might soon?!

@Anitaare I thought it was right to try and involve him. He takes him on a walk or plays with him in the house. I don’t spend time directly with him and he’s only ever there for an hour.

You said yourself that he is not associating this man with being his dad. I don't see any reason for your kid to start asking to see him. I would let the sleeping dogs lie. And if at any point when your son is older, he asks, then you can either explain the situation to him in a age appropriate manner or make a decision about contact then.

BoohooWoohoo · 27/09/2023 08:21

I think that no contact is better than flaky because the latter is going to let down your child on multiple occasions and you are going to be dragged into lying with excuses to lessen the blow. They could end up people pleasing and accepting their flaky parent's bad behaviour because any attention is good when you're a child. I'd imagine that the knock to the self esteem being treated like that will make it hard to develop into the sort of person who can have boundaries.
NC means it's final. There's no hope that he might turn up and be Disney dad for a few hours and no dread about how long it'll be until he makes an appearance again. You can spin a NC parent as not wanting to contact you and to a lesser extent the child where as a flaky parent is more self centred and only has time and effort for the child at their convenience. Even if the flaky parent could commit to seeing the child twice a year on their birthday and Christmas, it would be better than randomly coming and going. Unless there is a concrete reason like being in the army overseas, it's sad that they have no clue how much they are hurting their child.

CoffeeLover90 · 27/09/2023 08:32

Nuttyroche · 27/09/2023 08:07

@CoffeeLover90

When he was finally gone I tried to arrange supervised contact, he did not, I have a restraining order so can't do it and would never dream of it anyway.

confused. You had a restraining order but tried to arrange contact?

The restraining order is for me. I was asked by ss if I'd be happy to arrange supervised contact, I agreed. I asked family members and mutual friends, two of those offered to supervise. He didn't arrange anything with him. He also did not try to fi d anyone himself to supervise. SS asked me again, after he rang them and asked they intervene because 'its all my fault', I said he should get in touch with these two people or a contact centre. He didn't. When he spoke to the social worker she got the impression he wanted contact to be through me, a way of worming his way back or abusing me further possibly... now, more than a year down the line, I'd not agree to contact if he did try.

Fran2023 · 27/09/2023 08:34

I can confirm that the restraining order (between parents) and access to children are two separate things.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/09/2023 08:38

Cut him off- I think a flaky parent, broken promises, unmet expectations is far more detrimental to a child that something they have never known. I would let your ex know the door is open if he wants to put in consistent parenting with a schedule etc - but that’s it.

Dramatic · 27/09/2023 08:45

Absolutely cut him off, do it now before your son is old enough to be upset by this incredibly infrequent and sporadic contact. Coming from experience here, having to comfort your child while they sob because their other parent hasn't bothered to turn up again and they wonder what they've done wrong to deserve being dropped all the time is one of the hardest things I've had to do as a parent. No contact is much less stressful for everyone, but most importantly the child.

Original poster
Anitaare · 27/09/2023 08:51

@Dramatic i hadn’t considered it like that, the reality of having to manage that sort of upset. I have sort of assumed that no contact at all would be the ultimate hurt, the ultimate abandonment, but perhaps it is in fact worse to be in and out.

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 27/09/2023 09:19

No contact for the child is better than contact with an unpredictable parent. Protect your child op.

ChalkMyDrive · 27/09/2023 09:42

Definitely stop trying. Leave it up to him and hope he never pursues it. I spoke to a Grandparent who had their Grandson full time due to shitty parents, both the Mum and the Dad. The child was either let down constantly with a parent not turning up to spend a teeny amount of time with a child they really had no connection with or they turned up, it showed that they didn't know the child, cut the visit short and left. The Grandparents had done everything to facilitate contact, sent photos and messages pretty much daily to keep them up to date with his life and they just didn't care. That impacts a child so much.

Best to just not have a Dad in his life as he won't constantly let him down. Sadly he won't be the only child with no Dad in their life.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 27/09/2023 09:43

This isn’t even flakey or unpredictable, it’s worse - it’s reluctant. And I think that’s definitely worse than no contact.

Original poster
Anitaare · 27/09/2023 09:44

What do I say if he starts to ask? Dad doesn’t give a shit? Obviously not but I don’t know where to start!

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 27/09/2023 09:50

You tell him the truth op.

femfemlicious · 27/09/2023 09:51

It's good that your child has no bond with this man. Stop forcing it. Tell your child the truth in a nice way. Dad is not a very nice person. Maybe he will change someday

GingerIsBest · 27/09/2023 09:51

I think that no contact vs unreliable, flakey or reluctant contact is the lesser of two evils. You are right - no contact may well be a source of some angst and emotion for your DS at some point. But I am confident that sporadic contact with a man who clearly doesn't care will be worse.

As for what you say - I think that probably depends massively on you and your relationship and personality. But ultimately, I think the focus is that you and DS are a family, and your family doesn't have a daddy but that's okay because the two of you are a solid unit with all these other people as part of the extended family (grandparents/aunts/friends/whatever).

Then at some point, he may ask about his dad. And I think short and simple is best - he just wasn't ready to be a father, sometimes that happens with men. (then a reminder of how great your lives are/your family/your friends etc).

The children I feel for the most are the ones who had a dad around originally (even if they were often a bit shit), then the divorce happens and the dad becomes sporadic and unreliable and then eventually disappears. Because those kids are the ones who know what having a dad is, but then had to suffer through two losses.

Nuttyroche · 27/09/2023 10:02

Anitaare · 27/09/2023 09:44

What do I say if he starts to ask? Dad doesn’t give a shit? Obviously not but I don’t know where to start!

Has he even enjoyed the 4 hours over the past 8 months?