Do you think it’s true that a totally absent parent is better than a flakey one?

[Anitaare]

I have always thought SOME involvement was better than nothing. However, my ex has mental health issues, paranoia, recovering alcoholic, erratic behaviour. He has been inconsistent since ds was born and saw him once in his first year, despite numerous arrangements that he failed to follow through with. It causes me a lot of anxiety to correspond with him as he can be unpredictable and take offence to things I’ve quite literally not even said! I can draft a response in the most polite way and he will often read into it… it exhausts me. He was v abusive towards me in the relationship and I have had to put that to one side with ds in mind. I find it very hard. Now ds is coming up to three, he’s seen him four times, the last time was 8 months ago. I have to really push for these meetings and I do not hear from ex with any plans unless I’ve instigated contact. He sees DS reluctantly and I know he would have zero involvement if I didn’t contact.

My family say to cut contact entirely but I don’t know if that will damage ds? So far he doesn’t properly associate ex as his dad or miss him as he hasn’t spent proper time with him. Don’t know what to do.

Some dads are great
others are ok
some are not even ok, and unfortunately at this time, you dad is one of the “not ok” ones. But that might change and he knows door open if and when he makes the change.

Thankfully though - you have me. The World’s BEST MUM

that is what I would say

From the perspective of a child who had a very unreliable dad, it would have been better if he'd just stayed away. The up and down of raised hopes and disappointment when he cancelled plans, or just didn't show up, were a constant reminder of how unimportant I was to him. It really impacted my mental health. And then when he was there I would do everything to try to impress him and get his attention; looking back now I'm so sad for the little girl I was.

Leave the door open if your ex wants to make a commitment, but I wouldn't be trying to force it as your ex won't sustain the relationship.

One good parent is way better than one good parent plus a rubbish parent! It took me a while to figure this out while I desperately tried to keep a good contact between my dc and their df, all the while the dc were being more and more damaged by their joke of a df!

No

its pretty touch and go

but parental love is very very important for a child
even if it’s flaky it’s still love

also how things are at age 7 is very different to know they might feel when a troubled teen