Do I rock the boat?

nouniqueusername · 2023-09-27T02:00:10+00:00

Have been contemplating whether to bring this up with DP. I have several strong reasons to believe he's vaping behind my back but no conclusive evidence (haven't found a vape yet). Earlier today he came home smelling fruity which has happened before. I went a bit sour and did bring up the subject of vaping but left it when he said he wasn't doing that. My questions is, do I poke the bear and send him a message about how I feel about him doing this behind my back, and what it says about our relationship if he has to hide it from me, or do I leave it, which I have been for at least 6 months now! I have written what I think is a very non-accusational message and saved it but am unsure if I should send it.

junbean · 27/09/2023 03:04

Controlling much???

OnlyBoobsandBabies · 27/09/2023 03:11

Does it matter if he does vape?

Someoneonlyyouknow · 27/09/2023 03:20

What would you hope to achieve?

Original poster

nouniqueusername · 27/09/2023 03:20

Yes I think it does matter if he can't tell me about it plus we have kids and I personally find it pretty unattractive.

OP posts:

romdowa · 27/09/2023 03:22

Surely until you find an actual vape you can't really say anything. You smell fruity isn't really proof.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 27/09/2023 03:22

Nope. It is controlling.

Having kids doesn't mean you can control his body.

Original poster

nouniqueusername · 27/09/2023 03:24

Someoneonlyyouknow · 27/09/2023 03:20

What would you hope to achieve?

That he would think about what he's doing and stop or be honest with me and secondly it would get it off my chest as I've been thinking about this for months and not saying anything. I feel like I could let it go if I said something

OP posts:

GodDammitCecil · 27/09/2023 03:25

I don’t like vaping either.

But you can’t tell him what to do.

And, I mean … of course he can’t tell you about it….! You’d forbid him from doing it if he did! So he hides it from you.

That’s what people do when someone strongly disapproves of something. They do it anyway - and hide it.

Original poster

nouniqueusername · 27/09/2023 03:27

GodDammitCecil · 27/09/2023 03:25

I don’t like vaping either.

But you can’t tell him what to do.

And, I mean … of course he can’t tell you about it….! You’d forbid him from doing it if he did! So he hides it from you.

That’s what people do when someone strongly disapproves of something. They do it anyway - and hide it.

I wouldn't necessarily forbid him from doing it. It's his choice. But it's the dishonesty and what that does to a relationship that bothers me

OP posts:

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 27/09/2023 03:36

So you want him to tell you, because that will either give you the chance to offload to him how much you hate it and how awful it all is (which he probably already knows) or he quits because he knows how much you hate it?

They're his 2 choices? No wonder he is going for choice 3 - lying through his teeth.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 27/09/2023 03:39

I think it’s fine to have this as a boundary. But there is nothing you can do without actual proof.

Mothership4two · 27/09/2023 03:55

OP does your very non-accusational message mention that you don't want him to feel he has to hide things from you and, although you personally don't like him vaping it (any maybe don't want him to do it in front of your dc) you suspect he is and would rather he was open about it and you will tolerate it and give him no reason to be secretive about it in future? Because if your message is telling him, possibly in a very nice and polite way, that you expect him to stop, then he will probably carry on behind your back (if he is actually doing it at all).

MumblesParty · 27/09/2023 04:07

YANBU.

How bizarre that people say it’s not your business.

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a smoker, vaper, or any other kind of addiction. So if they had an addiction and concealed it, I’d be pretty pissed off, because they’d be deliberately deceiving me and removing my right to make relationship choices.

Is he an ex smoker OP, who has relapsed with a vape? Or is he one of those earth shatteringly stupid adults who have taken up vaping despite never smoking? Because I’d be more sympathetic with the former.

Mothership4two · 27/09/2023 04:29

@MumblesParty

How bizarre that people say it’s not your business.

Except no-one has actually said that on here.

PriOn1 · 27/09/2023 04:31

What strikes me is that there’s obviously some major trust issue going on here. Him smelling fruity could mean various things, including he’s been starnding near someone else vaping. The fact that you have strong suspicions about him and are assuming he’s lying suggest there’s a lot more back story.

Does he have form for lying?

Summonedbybees · 27/09/2023 04:40

Would you feel the same about someone who over eats? Someone who secretly ears chocolate behind your back?
Anybody can end a relationship for any reason they choose but I think most people have faults and failings. I don't drink or smoke but I have a craving for sweets and chocolate sometimes. It is bad for my teeth and for spikes in my blood sugar levels. It is hard to be perfect. I wouldn't advertise the fact that I bought and ate a Galaxy when I had a weak moment.

MumblesParty · 27/09/2023 04:44

Mothership4two · 27/09/2023 04:29

@MumblesParty

How bizarre that people say it’s not your business.

Except no-one has actually said that on here.

They’ve said she’s being controlling and questioned why it matters

MumblesParty · 27/09/2023 04:45

Summonedbybees · 27/09/2023 04:40

Would you feel the same about someone who over eats? Someone who secretly ears chocolate behind your back?
Anybody can end a relationship for any reason they choose but I think most people have faults and failings. I don't drink or smoke but I have a craving for sweets and chocolate sometimes. It is bad for my teeth and for spikes in my blood sugar levels. It is hard to be perfect. I wouldn't advertise the fact that I bought and ate a Galaxy when I had a weak moment.

Eating chocolate isn’t the same as being addicted to nicotine and using a dangerous substance

Summonedbybees · 27/09/2023 04:50

I do remember a boss at work who was tempted by a cooked breakfast at work. His wife warned colleagues that he shouldn't be indulging in pastries etc and that he ate before leaving for work. I really resented the suggestion that we monitor what he ate. This was fifteen years ago and the boss has been retired in good health for nearly ten years. It did seem controlling and I wondered if the boot was on the other foot and a man asked his wife's colleagues to monitor what she ate how they would feel about it.

Summonedbybees · 27/09/2023 04:53

So is overeating dangerous for your health. Obesity is a major factor in heart disease and cancer.

NoGNoDNoClue · 27/09/2023 04:53

Hope would you feel if, the secret being out, he started vaping more, and decided that it was ok for him to vape at home considering you now know about it?

Mothership4two · 27/09/2023 05:28

They’ve said she’s being controlling and questioned why it matters

Exactly not it’s not your business of course it is he is her partner. If OP is not even sure he is doing it, why does it matter?

You obviously have very strong feelings about vaping @MumblesParty . It may be an addictive behaviour but it is not illegal and is generally socially accepted like alcohol. gaming, gambling, etc which adults are also entitled to do. If OP has or plans to ban him from vaping or is giving him such a hard time that he feels he has to lie about it then that is controlling and the gist of her posts do come across that way. Obviously it is unpleasant to be lied to. OP is also entitled to not put up with this behaviour and end the relationship - if this is the hill she wants to die on. But an adult does not have the right to stop another adult doing something they want to do - obviously not talking illegal, abusive, exploitative, dangerous, etc.

MumblesParty · 27/09/2023 06:54

Mothership4two · 27/09/2023 05:28

They’ve said she’s being controlling and questioned why it matters

Exactly not it’s not your business of course it is he is her partner. If OP is not even sure he is doing it, why does it matter?

You obviously have very strong feelings about vaping @MumblesParty . It may be an addictive behaviour but it is not illegal and is generally socially accepted like alcohol. gaming, gambling, etc which adults are also entitled to do. If OP has or plans to ban him from vaping or is giving him such a hard time that he feels he has to lie about it then that is controlling and the gist of her posts do come across that way. Obviously it is unpleasant to be lied to. OP is also entitled to not put up with this behaviour and end the relationship - if this is the hill she wants to die on. But an adult does not have the right to stop another adult doing something they want to do - obviously not talking illegal, abusive, exploitative, dangerous, etc.

It makes me very sad that people see vaping as a benign and virtually harmless past time. That was how smoking was viewed before the 1950s. We won’t know for years how harmful vaping is, or if there is such a thing as “passive vaping”.

But I am truly baffled at why my point is seen as wrong by people. I don’t like cigarettes. I would never date a smoker, even less have children with one. I would also never date an alcoholic or a drug addict. People can smoke, drink and take as many drugs as they want, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with them. Therefore, if they pretended to me that they didn’t do any of these things, but were secretly doing them behind my back, I would be furious. They would have tricked me into a relationship under false pretences.

Theunamedcat · 27/09/2023 06:58

Tell him your glad he isnt vaping and apologise for accusing him because he came home stinking of fruit

HelenaHandcart · 27/09/2023 07:32

I started smelling fruity recently, and then found myself in hospital with something called ketoacidosis. Is your DH diabetic? Could it be something like this?