Fed up of my siblings selfishness

[Clancily]

I’m the eldest of 5, my mum was with my dad for a few months, she got pregnant with me, they split and she raised me alone until I was 4, she met someone else had two kids with him 12 months apart, split when the youngest was 6 months or so. Quickly got back with my dad and had two more. So the youngest two are my full siblings the middle two are half.
We lived in the north east, after the split the middle twos dad moved back to London. Now despite all being raised together for the most part my half brother and sister had a different childhood from my siblings and I. Instead of paying maintenance there dad bought all their clothes, and made sure they were designer, bought them loads of toys all year round. My mum and dad weren’t high earners, we lived in a council house, claimed benefits etc. So 2 of the kids were in lovely clothes etc while 3 were always in charity shop clothes (nothing wrong with this in principle just the situation).
at 7/8 respectively the two half siblings ended up moving in with their dad, he got a job up here and with the offer of their own rooms in a nicer house, nicer area and ultimately more attention. They begged to go there. I was about 12 at the time and recall them screaming to go their dads all the time.
it got to the point where we were lucky to see them once a month.
Now we are all adults, my half siblings both have high paying jobs in London, live in nice flats in nice areas etc.
my siblings and I have stayed up north, none of us gone to uni and much to my mum’s disappointment we all had kids before we turned 20.
My mum thinks the half siblings are the better kids, this drives me wild since she didn’t raise them and they are actually horrible people (shallow, arrogant, half sister thinks she’s the prettiest woman on earth , half brother sleeps with different women every week). But either way, they barely acknowledge her, half sister has all of us blocked (claims we drag her down and damaged her mental health but she has blocked basically everyone from up here), half brother occasionally pops in to see her, maybe once a year.

My mum was diagnosed with cancer this year, already had surgery; now receiving chemo. Her chances look good but she is terrified. Every time I see her she cries thinking she will die before seeing my halfsiblings again. Praising them beyond belief and generally upsetting herself. While I don’t get it or like them I hate seeing her upset. They both know, I told my half brother as I still have his number and he told me he would pass it on. In case he didn’t I found half sisters boyfriend on Facebook and messaged him, he told me he would tell her.
Neither have reached out. No call, no text nothing.
I think they are selfish, arrogant, stuck up and cruel. She was a good mum to them, she never abused them or left them without there is no need for the hate and cutting off.
I’m going to London this weekend for a hen night. I know my half brothers address and I think I know my half sisters unless she moved. I’m half tempted to go round and tell them to get their acts together and stop being selfish.

AIBU think they are massive pricks and super selfish and WIBU to go round and tell them to sort it out as I hate seeing my mam sad?
should I just leave it?

AIBU think they are massive pricks and super selfish and WIBU to go round and tell them to sort it out as I hate seeing my mam sad?
should I just leave it?

No, of course you’re not being unreasonable. They sound like pretty dreadful people and of course you want to protect your mum.

But I think you should definitely leave it. What will it achieve? They know she’s ill but haven’t wanted to use their time to improve the relationship between them. Best case scenario is that you guilt trip them into seeing her once, it’s all very awkward and they don’t see her again. Worst case scenario is a huge row on the doorstep and them contacting your mum to complain about her sending you to try and guilt trip them. They might say some horrible things to her and she falls out with you because you’ve ruined her chance is seeing them again, even though you were trying to help her.

I think that the best thing you can do is keep them updated if her health changes and tell them both she’d love to see them. You can always tell them what you think of them later, if needs be. Now is not the time for you to fall out with her though 💐

You can't make them have a relationship with your mother and tbh if they don't want to that's their decision. Nothing you can say to them will achieve anything and it won't even make you feel better, so don't waste your breath.

Would it make you feel better though? It won't change them.

I'm the kind of person that has to try or else I'll feel guilty, so I would probably do it. But really, it might make you feel worse.

Can you accept once and for all they are selfish and nothing but them can change that? For your own peace.

I wouldn't judge you for telling them how it is though.

I’m sorry you’re related to such a horrible pair.

I agree that they’re not interested in their mother. You’ve let them know she’s unwell and they don’t care.

I feel sad for her. I can’t imagine if my kids treated me like that.

I think YABU (very slightly).
I feel for you and I feel for your mum, it’s terribly sad and I understand your desire to see your mum happy during her cancer battle.

However, it is highly presumptuous to assume that they see her as a “good mum” to them and your reasoning that they weren’t abused or left them without is the absolute minimum standard of parenting and doesn’t signify that she was a good parent. Your half siblings had a very different childhood to you and your full siblings. Their childhood seems very messy (split homes/multiple children born in very short time period/how were they treated by your father?) and perhaps they were fed lies/half truths or misinformation by their father from a young age.

They made their decision years ago to distance themselves from your mother, they simply don’t have the relationship that you have with your mother so it is unrealistic to expect them to react the way that you would. You can be upset, you can not understand, but I think you are crossing the line with the harassment to make them behave how you want them to… and it has a real chance to blow up and not go how you think it will/should.

Kindly, back off, leave them to it and focus on you and your mum.

Leave it because your mum will blame you for any backlash and you don't deserve it. Your mum was wrong to let them be treated differently to you, she made bad choices and allowed them a more affluent lifestyle now thinks they're better even though it's her fault you didn't have the same? Shocking. She has a very loyal daughter and I'm not sure if ne so forgiving!! Yo allow two of your kids to walk around in designer clothes whilst dressing the other three in charity shop clothes is awful!! It seems like she wants to take the credit for the two successful ones that she had little to do with whilst putting the three she dressed in charity clothes second, sweep you three under the rug claiming bragging rights for the other two. I'd leave it well alone OP, frankly you deserve better and your mum is lucky you're still around let alone care as much as you do. Enjoy your hen night you actually DO deserve it. Sounds like these two don't give a shit are embarrassed by their northern mother and siblings. You'll never change her feelings or theirs.

My advice? Don't get involved. Any kickback will be on you.

Sorry to hear about your mum, and hope she will be ok.

It's sounds like a very messy situation, primarily created by your mother, and you would do well to stay well out of it and also examine why you accept her treating you and your two other siblings so badly.

You have done your best, you've made sure your half-siblings are aware of the situation. Now you need to leave them to make their own decisions. They have different lives and different loyalties to you, for whatever reason. They are entitled to make their own choices.

As for calling them selfish, arrogant, stuck up and cruel, that's unfair when you can't know how they feel about their childhood. You clearly dislike and resent your half sister.

As you say, you are all adults now. Leave them to deal with their relationships with your mother in their own way.

AIBU think they are massive pricks and super selfish and WIBU to go round and tell them to sort it out as I hate seeing my mam sad?

YANBU to think they are super selfish but it wouldn't be a good idea to confront them. They have made their choices. Your mum is lucky to have you and your other siblings.

It sounds like they’ve done well for themselves and your mum is proud of that, in spite of her lack of input. This struck me:
much to my mum’s disappointment we all had kids before we turned 20

It sounds like your mother doesn’t actually treat you all that well, if she sees them as better than you. Why do you accept that?

They sound awful but I’m sure their perspective on their childhood won’t be the same as yours. I imagine they felt like interlopers sometimes, half siblings in an otherwise full family.

Designer clothes clothes don’t make up for that. They left at 7/8, something went wrong

As unpleasant as you've made them sound I suspect that their version of events will be different to yours. The fact that your mum thought it was ok for them to be in designer clothes while you were in charity shop clothes and that she thinks that they are the better kids tells me a fair bit about her parenting. You might think they had a great childhood but it sounds like they probably didn't.

The fact your sister has everyone blocked on social media because of her mental health says a lot here and there's likely some damage from her upbringing which might have looked great to you but I'm doubtful. Most adult children have real valid reasons for going low or no contact.

I'd honestly leave them to it, as a PP suggested they might get on to your Mum and you may end up taking the blame for trying to sort this out for your mum's sake. I think they've made their decision and as awful as it might be and as angry as it makes you you can't change them.

Spend this time focusing on your own relationship with your Mum, it's the only one you have any real control over. I hope she makes a full recovery.

All of this. It is awful your mum is ill and I hope she gets better.

I suspect their understanding of their childhood is very different to yours. Leave them to their relationships and you focus on yours.

People in the same family unit in the same house can have very different childhoods. I imagine theirs isn’t as rosy as you think. And the idea that your mum thinks they are the “better” kids also doesn’t sound very healthy tbh.

It’s very difficult to really grasp how people interact with the same person, someone can seem like an angel to one child and awful to another. Thats not uncommon. I wouldn’t assume you know everything about how the relationship deteriorated or how they got to this point. Honestly leave it, you won’t get anything out of it.

AIBU think they are massive pricks and super selfish and WIBU to go round and tell them to sort it out as I hate seeing my mam sad?

You can't tell adults what to do. The whole situation sounds like a nightmare and tbh, if I was them, I would keep away as well. If you came to me and told me to sort it out, you'd be told to go away.

If you think about their childhood from their perspective with your mum, it's not so great. I think hearing their version of events would show something very different to what you're describing.

You need to leave them alone.

I would like to hear their side of the story.

From your perspective, you’ve been conditioned into accepting that you’re second best, you lived in charity shop clothes while your siblings didn’t, and yet they chose not to live there from an early age.

We’re not talking people.

Going nc with a parent isn’t something people do lightly.

Your mum doesn’t sound like a particularly nice person tbh, and given the favouritism she is clearly displaying towards your siblings,I would bear that in mind when it comes to e.g. things like inheritance, which while in the scheme of things shouldn’t be important, you should prepare yourself that your mum might favour the siblings over you and there will be nothing you will be able to do about it.

Rather than be annoyed at your siblings, I would question whether you really want to stay in this position.

YABU. You can't control them. I agree with others that their side of this will be very different to yours. You've reached out to them, they're not interested and I can't say I blame them. You need to leave them be and concentrate on your own relationship with your mum.

They don’t see your mum as a great parent and I’m inclined to agree with them given the way she treats you and your siblings.

A far more extreme case I know, but my DP is one of seven. His three youngest siblings are constantly posting on facebook about what a wonderful mum they have how fantastic she is and how lucky they are to have her.

My DP and the other three all grew up in care. They were all removed after they were abused by both her and her then partner to the extent that my DP has life-long disabilities. She most certainly was not a wonderful person. I don’t care how good her younger kids think they had it. She is not a nice person, and even if she’s changed, there are some things which can never be undone.

One of his siblings has gone so far as to say that he never was abused, that his mum would never have done that to them, even though he was standing in front of her with a visible disability.

I suspect she’s in denial that her mother is such an awful bitch. But I suspect that if she thought about it more deeply the signs are their eve for her.

I’m not implying that your mum is that awful a person, but just to show how different people see things differently.

Your OP is so sad. I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. You sound like a really kind, caring daughter and a good person. Respectfully, I’d echo previous posters and say leave your siblings to their own decisions. They are not your responsibility. Look after yourself.

YABU. It sounds like all of you had a pretty terrible upbringing and all of you are showing signs of damage from it. You're all damaged in different ways though and I think you're wrong to assume that your form of damage is "right" and theirs "wrong". The same parent or parents can fuck up each individual child in different ways. It sounds like their way of being fucked up is to be high achievers but arrogant - they don't think fondly of their upbringing and don't want to be dragged back down into that environment, their way of dealing with the past is to avoid it.

Nothing good is likely to come of you trying to insert yourself into the mess that is your mother's relationship with your half siblings OP. You don't have the power to make them do what you want them to do, and it sounds unlikely from what you've said that they attribute any value to your opinions. You turning up at the door laying the law down is likely to get you told to fuck off. Even if you succeeded, you're being woefully naive to assume them having contact with DM is actually going to be beneficial for her. It could very easily make things worse instead of better.

Just leave it. Use your energies to support your mother, not open up Pandora's box at a time when she's vulnerable.

I have this situation with my full blood sister. Both the same parents. We were raised the same and had an upbringing similar to yours. Hand to mouth living on benefits and it was a bleak existence.

I studied hard in school and went to university and ended up in a professional high paying job. It was not easy to get there and I was in debt for years paying back loans for my professional courses but I did it all on my own.

My sister could have done the same but she didn't want to: she got low a level grades and then got kicked out of university for not passing the first year as she didn't do any work.

Here's the thing - my sister calls me a nasty, spiteful, arrogant, horrible person just as you say about your siblings. She constantly throws my job back in my face when I rarely talk about it. I cant talk about holidays ive been on or i get a torrent of abuse about how I'm still a sad singleton even with my "poncey job." She sees me with expensive clothes she says she can't afford them. I give as good as I get and am pretty harsh back but I wish I'd just grey rocked her years ago.

I've been in my profession so long that it's old news it's just who I am now I don't even talk about it much and she doesn't ask.

I don't know where she has got the nasty, spiteful arrogant person for seeing as I've lined her pockets since her divorce and paid for her children's clothes and shoes and made sure they have nice days out as she has no money. She's happy to take from me whilst calling me all the names you call your sibling.

The truth is my sister has invented this nasty person persona about me because she is jealous and I wonder if that's the case with you too.

Perhaps you would have chosen to leave your mums home into a more comfortable life if you'd had the choice? Maybe your half siblings felt the outsiders in a house with your dad and 4 half siblings. Perhaps they weren't happy? It cant have been easy for them. Perhaps you weren't that nice? Leaving gave them a more comfortable existence with their own dad.

It was not their fault their dad gave them nice clothes and toys that you didn't have. They didn't ask for it. I don't for one second believe neither you nor your other siblings didn't give them a hard time for that.

Why didn't any of your siblings work a bit harder in school for more opportunites and why did you all have children yourselves as teenagers? All of you had choices.

I'm sorry but I'm not sure I believe they're nasty and we're all lovely. Life is never that simple or black and white with a good guy and a bad guy.

She's painted a picture of me as this evil arrogant person whilst failing to see how dreadful she is and the things she's done to me.

Not being abused or 'going without' is not the bar for a functional upbringing. No matter how any designer clothes they wore, it wouldn't make up for being brought up in a home where they were the odd ones out, with both younger and older siblings having both parents in the house, while they were from this fucked up relationship in the middle. Your mum's parenting history (and the dads she chose for her DC) sounds pretty chaotic and no one's idea of a recipe for a happy home. It clearly created divides between you rather than any blending, and the disdain you feel for those children who cried to live with their dad is pretty cold. As a PP said, the situation has damaged all of you and no doubt your mum was damaged to start with, going about things this way, and still creating inequality between you with her disappointment in you three and lauding of the other two. I'm sure she has good qualities too and I'm sorry for what she's going through, but that doesn't make your siblings as vile as you're making out. It just shows what a sad messy situation you're all in.

They're doing what they think best to protect themselves and if you think turning up on their doorstep with these kind of feelings you have about them will help, then you're just demonstrating why they've created this distance.