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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To struggle in group situations

35 replies

Ladiesleaveyourmenathome · 26/09/2023 17:59

I recently joined a WhatsApp group which was created following a social media group of ladies looking to meet new friends.
One of the women created the group and suggested a meetup in a café one day. I went, and there were around 7 other women there.
It was a long table so was hard to speak to everybody, but I was sitting with 3 others.
They're all roughly the same age as me. Seemed friendly, but I then noticed that the two women opposite me wouldn't speak to me unless I spoke to them first.
They were polite but were more interested in the woman next to me, who was clearly very bubbly, outgoing and that sort of party-animal personality, she was quite comfortable in doing these 'crazy' voices, it's hard to explain but basically putting on voices right off the bat. She was nice to me but I felt I paled in comparison to her.
I can be shy and it takes me time to warm up to people, however I felt that I was friendly in this group, I showed an interest in them as well as giving anecdotes about myself. However I just didn't feel any interest reciprocated, and there were times when I was just looking at my phone as I felt out of place.
They also seem to be on a much higher budget than me judging by what they were ordering, which I'm aware can be a problem in friendship.
The group have organised another event soon, I'd like to go but I'm a bit worried I've already been written off by them. That said, I didn't get chance to speak to the other ladies on the table and maybe they'd be friendlier.
I'm not sure really, I think it's a shame that quieter people just aren't always given a chance. I've just started a new job and have had nice conversations with 2 women so that reassures me. Would you try again with this group or leave it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladiesleaveyourmenathome · 26/09/2023 18:01

Also not sure if it's relevant but I had to leave earlier due to work, I was the first to leave. They took group photos and posted them on the WhatsApp group after I'd gone, not sure if that was deliberate or a coincidence.

OP posts:
Nuttyroche · 26/09/2023 18:02

Of course it wasn’t deliberate!!

Original poster
Ladiesleaveyourmenathome · 26/09/2023 18:06

Maybe, but how could you be 100% sure?
I just felt quite uncomfortable with the 3 women not engaging me. I kept waiting for my turn to interject but someone else beat me to it.

OP posts:
Nuttyroche · 26/09/2023 18:07

It’s not something that would cross my mind for a moment oP.

let alone thinking about whether I can be “100% sure”

Nuttyroche · 26/09/2023 18:08

How do you find other friendships and relationships?

Hufflepods · 26/09/2023 18:08

I mean this is a group of people you’ve never met before and possibly have limited things in common with, it hardly says much about all group situations in general.
If you generally enjoyed yourself and want to engage with them more then go the next time, if not then don’t. But you can’t really complain about quiet people not being given a chance if you were there for the shortest amount of time and sat on your phone at parts.
I honestly wouldn’t bother making conversation with someone who was sat on their phone at a group lunch. It just looks boring and rude.

GreyCarpet · 26/09/2023 18:09

Ladiesleaveyourmenathome · 26/09/2023 18:06

Maybe, but how could you be 100% sure?
I just felt quite uncomfortable with the 3 women not engaging me. I kept waiting for my turn to interject but someone else beat me to it.

You mean you think a group of strangers you'd never met before some how conspired to wait until you had gone to take photos to post online just to be unkind to you?

Original poster
Ladiesleaveyourmenathome · 26/09/2023 18:09

It's hard. I left another WhatsApp group recently with school friends who were taking the definition of friend and being the complete opposite. It was very clear they were no longer interested, which is fine, but it was a waste of my time so I just left and moved on. So it's refreshing that people on this new group are trying to arrange stuff, but I found the initial meet a bit off putting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladiesleaveyourmenathome · 26/09/2023 18:11

I only left about 30 mins earlier. I wasn't just sitting on my phone, I mean there were just times when nobody was talking to me and I couldn't make my way into the conversation so I didn't know what to do, I pretended to be looking on my phone busy

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladiesleaveyourmenathome · 26/09/2023 18:12

As I did say, I tried to make conversation with the 2 opposite me but they just weren't interested.

OP posts:
Chickenkeev · 26/09/2023 18:13

YANBU for struggling but you're probably overthinking/incorrectly ascribing intentions to normal behaviour. Most people are self absorbed (not in a bad way, but living in their own heads iyswim). I totally overthink/am too sensitive, i find it's gotten less so as i've gotten older.

GodDammitCecil · 26/09/2023 18:14

Please don’t look at your phone in a group situation!

That absolutely would have put them off you.

I’m naturally quiet until I get to know people.

I like others being the livelier ones in group situations, as it keeps things flowing and takes the heat off me!

By all means write off this group before you’ve even given them a chance. The only person losing out will be you.

And the photo would have just been taken at the end of the event - of course it would have. Nothing to do with you not being there.

Original poster
Ladiesleaveyourmenathome · 26/09/2023 18:15

Maybe I am overthinking that part. I'll give it one more go then see. It sounds daft but I'm not comfortable being close with people that clearly have a lot more money than I do, it just causes issues when they want to do xyz and you can only afford one drink.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladiesleaveyourmenathome · 26/09/2023 18:16

I see how it must sound but I mean at one point the other woman had her back to me, and the two were turned away from me so I just looked at my phone for a bit to not look like a loner. It was just hard to get people into a conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladiesleaveyourmenathome · 26/09/2023 18:18

Anyway I'll give it one more go and I'll try my best, if there's the same level of disinterest I'll just leave it I guess.

OP posts:
Chickenkeev · 26/09/2023 18:19

Ladiesleaveyourmenathome · 26/09/2023 18:15

Maybe I am overthinking that part. I'll give it one more go then see. It sounds daft but I'm not comfortable being close with people that clearly have a lot more money than I do, it just causes issues when they want to do xyz and you can only afford one drink.

Totally feel your pain there! But turn it on its head, you go out, you're not the antisocial person who won't go out etc so i would imagine nobody notices that you only have one drink. I reckon you're just over analysing a bit.

Original poster
Ladiesleaveyourmenathome · 26/09/2023 18:20

I probably am, I don't have a lot of luck with friendships sadly. Hopefully the workmates will develop but who knows.

OP posts:
GodDammitCecil · 26/09/2023 18:25

Friendship takes time @Ladiesleaveyourmenathome

You can’t just go along to a meet-up and expect to have an instantaneous, close group of mates.

I’m sure you know this on some level.

It takes time to build up a friendship. You have to get to know people, and they have to get to know you. There is no fast track.

But it’s absolutely worth it, in the end.

Nuttyroche · 26/09/2023 18:26

What did they order that made you think your finances are so different?

Original poster
Ladiesleaveyourmenathome · 26/09/2023 18:28

Yes I do, it's just that first meeting where they clearly had little interest in me that put me off. They were clearly drawn to the woman next to me however. I will go and try to speak to the other women on the table next time, maybe I'll click with them more.

OP posts:
Chickenkeev · 26/09/2023 18:29

Ladiesleaveyourmenathome · 26/09/2023 18:20

I probably am, I don't have a lot of luck with friendships sadly. Hopefully the workmates will develop but who knows.

It's a lottery with friendships no more than anything else. It helps if you go to groups etc with similar interests but not neccessarily a gaurantee either. But you might end up great mates with someone you chatted with at Tesco. You really never know.

Bichonmum · 26/09/2023 18:29

Are you actively participating in the WhatsApp conversations?
Maybe mention that you were a bit quiet / shy meeting them last time and that you'd like to get to know everyone better this time

Original poster
Ladiesleaveyourmenathome · 26/09/2023 18:31

I have participated yes, I think it was the disinterest that made me quieter in turn. When I think about the conversations I had with my workmate it was a lot more engaging.
Just spent about £40 each and I spent about £5.
Yes absolutely, it's a lottery. I'll try not to be too disheartened if it doesn't work out.

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 26/09/2023 18:32

I am in several such Meetups as am also looking to make new friends. To be honest, I find certain shy people very hard work ( not you necessarily), even when given a chance.

I arrived at the table early to find a woman sat there, also early. I asked her about her work, if she had come far, what she thought of a book mentioned on the group, how her summer was... I got only yes or no answers. No eye contact. She didn;t ask me anything. Then she went on her phone! So I gave up, and when the others arrived, I talked only to them and she was left out.

If you want people to be interested in you, you have to be interested in them too..

newlystyle · 26/09/2023 18:37

Ladiesleaveyourmenathome · 26/09/2023 18:06

Maybe, but how could you be 100% sure?
I just felt quite uncomfortable with the 3 women not engaging me. I kept waiting for my turn to interject but someone else beat me to it.

Op rationalise it. You really think 7 women got together to decide to take pictures and post as soon as you left? And how did they know you were going to leave early? More likely they took photos towards the end of the evening and posted that. Don't be your own worst enemy. Go and try again only if you feel this is worthy of making a friendship out of and if it doesn't work out, don't feel bad.