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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding gifts!

50 replies

rosiegoodwin5432 · 26/09/2023 10:55

I recently got married and was very surprised that around 20% of guests did not bring a card or a gift. I wouldn't dream of going to a wedding without at least a card. If I had forgotten the gift, I would acknowledge it upfront. I had never given this much thought, but due to the sheer amount of my guests who didn't bring even a card, I'm now wondering whether this is more common that I thought.... Keen to hear other people's opinion on this!

YABU - you don't have to bring a card / gift to a wedding
YANBU - you should always bring at least a card to a wedding

OP posts:
smallshinybutton · 26/09/2023 10:59

Why are you keeping tabs?!!

Seriously.

So rude.

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/09/2023 11:00

smallshinybutton · 26/09/2023 10:59

Why are you keeping tabs?!!

Seriously.

So rude.

Seriously? How do you know who to send a thank-you card to if you don't know who gave you what?

everywherebear · 26/09/2023 11:06

You'll get a load of people saying you shouldn't expect gifts, you don't know people's financial circumstances, yada yada... but IMO it's bloody rude to attend an event hosted by someone else and not take a gift, whether it's a wedding, birthday, meal at a friend's house, etc. It's social convention and to not even bother with a card is just lazy.

BarrelOfOtters · 26/09/2023 11:42

Personally I think it's rude to turn up without a gift and card or to make sure you've sent one beforehand or straight afterwards.

I know people on here say it's expensive to attend weddings, and yes it is, but if you go you take a gift. That's just what you do unless you've been told explicitly not to.

thecatsthecats · 26/09/2023 11:55

Meh, I feel a bit of side-eye for the guests who didn't bring cards at the very least. We hosted very generously, and most guests left with a few bottles from the weekend-long free bar and maybe a bit of unopened leftover food too.

The only obligatory costs were transport (lots shared the drive) and accommodation (you could stay at the venue, cheaper tha local hotels and we chose somewhere middle of everyone). A card is a quid, less if you want.

Ducksinthebath · 26/09/2023 11:57

Though I'd always give a gift and be as generous as possible, I would completely understand if people didn't give gifts whether it's for ideological reasons, financial reasons or anything else. But I think turning up without a card (unless you are, say, parents of the couple) is just plain rude. It doesn't take much time or money to get a cheap card with a nice design - doesn't have to be a special wedding card - and write some well-wishes in it.

The day goes so fast that you only get a few quick moments with each person (unless you do a very small wedding or a very long one) that the cards become a lovely souvenir of the day. I know I really value my cards, more so than the gifts and possibly even the photos.

smallshinybutton · 26/09/2023 12:28

MereDintofPandiculation · 26/09/2023 11:00

Seriously? How do you know who to send a thank-you card to if you don't know who gave you what?

Show quote history

That's fine but going oooh 20% of guests didn't give us anything is rude.

There's a cost of living crisis going on and everyone's probably spent a small fortune going to the wedding in the first place.

smallshinybutton · 26/09/2023 12:29

Ducksinthebath · 26/09/2023 11:57

Though I'd always give a gift and be as generous as possible, I would completely understand if people didn't give gifts whether it's for ideological reasons, financial reasons or anything else. But I think turning up without a card (unless you are, say, parents of the couple) is just plain rude. It doesn't take much time or money to get a cheap card with a nice design - doesn't have to be a special wedding card - and write some well-wishes in it.

The day goes so fast that you only get a few quick moments with each person (unless you do a very small wedding or a very long one) that the cards become a lovely souvenir of the day. I know I really value my cards, more so than the gifts and possibly even the photos.

Edited

Get a guestbook for everyone to write in. Same thing. Messages from the day

smallshinybutton · 26/09/2023 12:30

thecatsthecats · 26/09/2023 11:55

Meh, I feel a bit of side-eye for the guests who didn't bring cards at the very least. We hosted very generously, and most guests left with a few bottles from the weekend-long free bar and maybe a bit of unopened leftover food too.

The only obligatory costs were transport (lots shared the drive) and accommodation (you could stay at the venue, cheaper tha local hotels and we chose somewhere middle of everyone). A card is a quid, less if you want.

Accommodation should never be an obligatory cost

MissJoGrant · 26/09/2023 12:37

Wedding gifts need to get in the sea. Weddings cost enough for guests as it is. I'm having no gifts at my wedding, I'd rather people spent their money on themselves at the bar/on their taxi etc.

I also think cards are a huge waste. The only people who should send cards are people who can't make it to the event.

TedMullins · 26/09/2023 12:40

MissJoGrant · 26/09/2023 12:37

Wedding gifts need to get in the sea. Weddings cost enough for guests as it is. I'm having no gifts at my wedding, I'd rather people spent their money on themselves at the bar/on their taxi etc.

I also think cards are a huge waste. The only people who should send cards are people who can't make it to the event.

This. I don't understand the mentality of expecting gifts, whether it's a wedding, birthday, dinner party, Christmas etc. Genuinely all I'd want is for people to turn up and celebrate with me, that's worth much more than money or items. It should be left up to guests whether they want to give you anything.

BarrelOfOtters · 26/09/2023 12:47

@TedMullins do you take gits to things.? It's a social norm and people will notice if you don't.

MaggieFS · 26/09/2023 12:53

I'm surprised at that. I'd expect everyone to give a card and 95% to give a gift. Even if something small.

Weddings can be expensive but aren't necessarily so. I think the mn view is skewed by horror stories of excess hen dos and obligations to stay in overpriced hotels. (OP, what sort of wedding was it?)

IMHO, if you choose to accept a wedding invitation, you factor in a gift as part of the budgeting. I think it would only be a small minority who can't afford to and the rest are rude.

PinkRoses1245 · 26/09/2023 12:56

But what did you say about gifts on the invite? Every wedding I’ve been to (including my own) the invite has said either no gifts, or asked for honeymoon contributions. If you said no gifts or left it blank YABU. We said if guests wanted to give gifts. Please contribute to our honeymoon fund. Most guests but not all did,

TedMullins · 26/09/2023 13:02

BarrelOfOtters · 26/09/2023 12:47

@TedMullins do you take gits to things.? It's a social norm and people will notice if you don't.

No I don't, and I don't expect gifts either. I don't do things just because they're social norms.

RiderofRohan · 26/09/2023 13:03

Either a reflection of your guests or a sign of the times (cost of living). When we got married, almost everyone gave a card and money. We specifically asked people not to bring boxed gifts and to contribute to our honeymoon fund if they felt the need to give something.

Purplerain0505 · 26/09/2023 13:08

I think that’s completely normal. Around 50% of our guests turned up with no card or gift but I hardly noticed because I was just so pleased they were there. Many had spent money on travel, accommodation, new outfits, etc. Why should I also expect a card and gift?

justteanbiscuits · 26/09/2023 13:09

I have no idea who did / didn't buy us a gift or a card for our wedding.

I do remember those who bought us ridiculous presents we had to get home on the train though!

wednesdayatone · 26/09/2023 13:34

justteanbiscuits · 26/09/2023 13:09

I have no idea who did / didn't buy us a gift or a card for our wedding.

I do remember those who bought us ridiculous presents we had to get home on the train though!

Didn't you say thanks for the gifts?

Louisa4987 · 26/09/2023 13:41

We had a few that just gave cards at our wedding and there was one or 2 who didn't bring anything at all. I didn't really think much of it to be honest. Times are hard and I was just glad everyone came to celebrate with us!

TeenLifeMum · 26/09/2023 13:44

Mn has a weird (to me) view re gifts. I can’t imagine not giving anything when going to a wedding.

Daffodilsandbees · 26/09/2023 13:47

I always send a gift separately or via the gift list. I was taught that it’s bad manners to turn up to a wedding with a physical gift - possibly an outdated thing now but I think it hails back to the days of useful household stuff being given and who wants to deal with a whole kitchen worth of crockery left at your wedding venue.

CleverLilViper · 26/09/2023 13:48

Honestly, I could never be bothered about this. It’s grabby.

If people want to and can afford to, then great.

If not, no big deal. They attended your wedding.

Attending weddings is expensive. The outfit, the drinks, travel, childcare, animal care, accommodation, maybe hen or stag parties etc.

If I ever get married, I wouldn’t expect a gift or even a card. If I got one, it’s be a bonus but not something I’m going to fix on or look down on anyone for.

Also, with gifts, many (barring money) will end up unused. Wedding gifts in the past were for setting people up in their homes. Most people live together now before getting married so you already have all the typical gifts.

sarsaparillatree · 26/09/2023 14:01

Also, with gifts, many (barring money) will end up unused. Wedding gifts in the past were for setting people up in their homes. Most people live together now before getting married so you already have all the typical gifts.

This is often true nowadays. In the dim distant past when I got married most couples were setting up home for the first time and guests asked for a list of gifts the couple needed, varying from the expensive to the really cheap. We appreciated and used every gift, from the bag of clothes-pegs to the colander and cheese grater (still in use), and the double bed from my parents.😁

Slobberchops1 · 26/09/2023 14:07

I’ve been to 5 weddings in the last 4 years and none of them sent a thank you card .

But in the olden days you would write a list of who sent what for thank you cards

i think it’s rude to not take a card to a wedding, even if you can only afford a couple of quid a scratch card