Wedding gifts!

[rosiegoodwin5432]

I recently got married and was very surprised that around 20% of guests did not bring a card or a gift. I wouldn't dream of going to a wedding without at least a card. If I had forgotten the gift, I would acknowledge it upfront. I had never given this much thought, but due to the sheer amount of my guests who didn't bring even a card, I'm now wondering whether this is more common that I thought.... Keen to hear other people's opinion on this!

YABU - you don't have to bring a card / gift to a wedding
YANBU - you should always bring at least a card to a wedding

Go through your guest list and consider how many of those people you send cards to for their birthday or for Christmas? If you do, then you're reasonable to be offended that they didn't give you a card for your wedding. If you don't, why should they?
As for gifts, you should never be offended at a lack of gifts, its entirely optional to give anyone a gift for any occasion.
Every time I go to a wedding it usually costs me a few hundred pounds in travel and accommodation. Yes, I sometimes get a nice meal, but I'm also sitting through a ceremony, speeches, and so on, because you've invited me to witness and share your day. My presence is your present, to use that cheesy phrase often added to invitations!

YANBU but I remember attending a wedding when I was really quite young (early 20s) where the bride said she didn't expect gifts.
So I didn't take one & I was very much in the minority! I learned from that & would never attend a wedding now without a gift & card even if it's something small or just a voucher.
Absolutely hate being asked for money though!

We did, of course. But didn't take any notice of whether there was anyone that hadn't bought us anything. We had a list, and just went through it. Didn't compare it to the invite list.

Is anyone Irish on here? It would be social suicide around my circles to hand over an EMPTY card; people would assume someone had robbed the wedding postbox. It's 100 euro per head minimum - you attend, you pay. However it is actually fine (but not ideal) to arrive empty handed and send a gift at a later date. Anytime I've done that I end up giving more than 100 to make up for not getting it across in time for the honeymoon.

@Buttoutofmywedding out of curiosity, if you don’t have a spare £100 do you just have to turn down all wedding invites?

Absolutely! It goes like this when a wedding invitation arrives - where is it, are we free those dates, what travel is involved, do I have a suitable outfit, can we get childcare and are we willing to spend the money required; travel, hair, accomodation and minimum 200 euro for the two of us.

You don't just rock up and decide not to give the expected cash gift.

While I couldn't agree more with your sentiment and would much rather people turn up and celebrate with me, it is impossible to ignore that gift giving is a social norm and I would never turn up empty handed unless specifically requested to.

If I am hosting, I will always insist guests do not bring a gift (and genuinely mean it). I cannot stand people who write no gifts on an invite then complain when people did not bring one

It might be a social norm but it’s one I don’t care for and choose not to partake in. I really couldn’t give a toss what people might think about that!

But I would hope they don't expect minimum 200 euro from those who are not Irish and are coming to the wedding?!

I never knew about the Irish gift giving tradition pre-MN and attended friends' weddings in Ireland in the past. I did give a cash gift every time but not the 100euro/head that is spoken of and was entirely unaware of it. How much I give depends on how much it has cost me to attend their wedding. £££ on flights to Ireland, going to the hens (abroad), expensive hotel stay for the wedding meant I did not give so much for the wedding gift

We have certain norms around gift giving in our culture but I would never expect someone from a different background to partake in any of it or be aware of it.

I’ve no idea why weddings bring out this competitive disingenuousness on MN, with posters pretending that the idea of writing a lovely message in a card when your friends or family get married is an entirely bizarre expectation, an inconvenience, and an entitlement on the part of your hosts. Everyone knows you take at the very least a card to a wedding, just as everyone knows if you’re invited to dinner at somebody’s house you take wine or flowers or chocolates to thank your host, and everyone knows that if your kid is invited to another kid’s birthday party then you arrange a card and at least some plastic tat or sweets.

But then, MN is full of posters with no friends and who constantly seem to fall out with relatives, colleagues, other parent at the school gates, neighbours etc. Read a few of their posts and it becomes clear it’s because they’ve no concept of basic behaviour, politeness and social conventions.

I’ll admit to a full double standard
I certainly wouldn’t expect a gift
but I couldn’t go to a wedding knowing it cost them best part of £50+ to have me there and not take a gift or card
if I couldn’t afford a gift I wouldn’t go as feel it would be rude

Did you have a gift list? Or did you ask for no gifts?

Yes, turning up without anything is rude, unless there is a good reason eg couple asking for no gifts.

How long ago did you get married? Maybe the gifts are still in the post?

I'd say it's pretty rude not to give a present at a wedding, unless you are completely skint perhaps.

I've never found attending weddings to be that expensive. Just wear something you already have, or buy a dress in a cheap shop or charity shop. Travel may cost something but even 2 hours each way in a car is only like half a tank of fuel.
No need to spend lots at the bar unless you want to, get one or 2 drinks and doubtless something will be provided as well or drink tap water

Drive home afterwards, or camp, or stay in a cheap air BnB or something.

It's a bit cheeky to buy a brand new outfit then claim you can't afford a gift.

I also think it's rude not to at least send a card especially if not sendinga gift, but lots of people on here (and IRL) seem to think cards are pointless, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised if they then turn up empty-handed.

My husband is Irish and yes at our wedding the Irish guests gave considerably more than the English despite having to travel to England for the occasion. And half of them were old friends of my DH I'd never met. So generous! They were also a blast on the dance floor lol. I guess it's just cultural. Anyway, it was a massive help to us given it really offset the cost of the wedding. DH always gives £100-150 for each of us at weddings and now I understand why.

Wow!

Standards have slipped in terms of manners and etiquette haven't they!

This is true. I sent thank you letters to everyone, specifically thanking them. Of all the weddings I have been to, only less than half send them. Maybe it's because of social media, a generic 'thank you' post is considered enough to some?

I´m in Spain and it is the same. I gave card with 250€ for my friend´s wedding. Usually we sum up in our heads how much the menu would have cost and give around that. I remember someone gave an empty envelope and my friends were horrified. We all wondered who it was! And yes, if you cannot afford to give you decline the invite.

I'm from Portugal and it would be extremely odd not to give a gift. It's usually money these days. Probably around 100 euros per adult. (Of course some people will give less and others more).

You are basically paying for the entry on the venue. But the food is endless and it's open bar until 4 or 5am.

I personally find odd going to a wedding and pay for a drink🤣.

I got married on 16th September after 24 yrs together. I made it clear on invites and fb status that we wanted no gifts or money. Some people messaged me asking what they could buy as they couldn't turn up with nothing. I said a card would be lovely or may be buy us a drink. But no gifts expected. We probably received 25 gifts and around £390 in cash inside cards. I'm very grateful, but we honestly didn't want or expect anything. I have a lot of cards. But tbh I'd not notice the ones that didn't send one. They came. And that's enough for me.

We had around 200 guests on the evening.

Did you have only evening guests? I'd not expect a gift if you couldn't even feed them

We send a gift and card ahead of time.

Wouldn’t dream of turning up empty handed to a wedding. Especially, at the absolute bare minimum, a card.

In my culture it would be seen as incredibly ill-mannered not to give a gift or card. I have never heard of it happening over here. I'm from Northern Ireland.

I realise there is a COL crisis, but if I couldn't afford a gift I would politely decline........or I would wear an outfit I'd worn before

I'm honestly really shocked that so many think no card or gift is acceptable