How did I end up in this dynamic

[Truthbomb]

I need to get this out of my head. I want to go to counselling however our current budget just doesn’t allow for this and GP wait times are insane.

I am a woman with two children and my partner (their dad) is driving me to insanity. I feel fucked from having to constantly live in my masculine energy to make up for what he lacks. I make every decision in this house hold and I don’t want to. I beg for his input sometimes and he says ‘I’ll support whatever you want to do’. That’s so fucking unhelpful. Pretty much like Julia’s husband from motherland! I am at a point where I’m starting to loathe him and find him rather pathetic. I meal plan, shop, budget, organise the bills, make every decision regarding our kids, tell him what he needs to do regarding household maintenance etc. He asked me where his work shirts were this morning and I wanted to combust. How privileged is that question? Just living in the knowledge that someone else has organised your life for you. He will ask me if we have butter in the fridge before even LOOKING IN THE FUCKING FRIDGE.

To sum it up, he does nothing except work and when he comes home he makes very basic conversation and childish jokes and I really am beginning to loathe him. He always says to me ‘am I doing enough, how can I help to support you more?’, but I am trying to explain that I can’t teach him to use his eyeballs and see that the washing needs bringing in, or the stairs need hoovering, why an earth do I have to remind him? The problem with ‘asking for help’ means that when I don’t think for him, it inevitably doesn’t get done and then that is still my fault for not telling him what to do.

He always says how grateful he is to me and how I teach him to communicate and be open about his emotions and help him budget better since he is terrible with finances but I can’t think of one thing that he brings to the table to enrich my quality of life other than a second salary.

I am independent but I also would like a balanced relationship where I feel taken care of occasionally but I feel I can never relax, never have my guard down because it’s always at the cost of something slipping. Every evening after dinner he says ‘I’ll do the dishes just leave them for a minute’ but that essentially means he will leave them out including food on the plates until the following morning and I find it so frustrating. We have an open plan house and I don’t want to smell or have dirty dishes in my eyeline when I’m trying to relax. Inevitably I end up doing it because I find it so irritating.

He just seems to have no urgency, no direction, no motivation, no interests. After work he just moans about his team and lives in a victimhood that is soul destroying to listen to.

He is already telling me this year is going to be a difficult year as his suffers from SADs and he can feel it starting already. I know he will expect me to understand and counsel him through this and I just can’t do it anymore. I feel like I may have a breakdown from carrying everyone in our household whilst all my needs are completely unmet.

I cannot go on like this, I fear living with this level of resentment and stress will make me unwell.

I am sorry for rambling, I just need to get these thoughts out of my brain. They are all consuming and so tiring.

But this is putting the onus on the OP to change the situation. He is the one who should be finding a solution - not her.

I would honestly leave him, OP. He won’t change. Would you rather leave him now when your child is small or later when she’s a teenager? That’s the question here. And believe me, I know the answer.

As PP said you’re trapped in parent and child mode. Counselling will help with this and also you solving his problems for him. You need to not engage

if you don’t have the budget for counselling how would you afford divorce?

'Needless to say this has ruined our sex life. I am not attracted to a person I am mothering, and that’s what our life has come to'.

I can absolutely see why this is the case, nowt unsexier than a massive big man child.

Please do not accept this is just the way it is and that most men are like that. You can expect better for yourself and there absolutely at men to are responsible partners and parents.

Write down the stuff you do (more mental labour I know) and the stuff he does. Show him and then cross shit off your list starting with his effing work shirts! Tell him what you expect of him and give him a time frame for change.

Also tell him you don't want support to run a house and family, you want to share it.

I hope he steps up x

I see you have my husband. Wait a couple of years and you will get the mindfucking contradiction of these two sentences
I forgot because you didn't remind me
Stop nagging - (after two reminders in a week - so circle back to I forgot because you didn't remind me)

Basically you cannot win, and that's the game. To make sure you are so busy, so backfooted, so upset that you don't actually notice how lazy, selfish and manipulative they are.

Watch your health. All that anger, resentment and stress has to end up somewhere. I have two autoimmune conditions they now think has been caused by the extreme stress in my life. I am now in the process of removing that stress.

It sounds like there are two separate but intertwined problems.
The first is the age old mental load problem. There are loads of resources out there to explain it to him and if he wants to change then there may be hope.

The second problem is more complicated. Your husband is completely lacking in masculinity and you (understandably) aren’t attracted to him because of the pathetic vibes he gives off. Has he always been like this? Did you marry a wet willy of a man or has he got worse over time? If the former, I don’t think he will ever change. If the latter, there may be hope but he needs to do something about it, himself, without you organising it for him. Perhaps some coaching or therapy. Difficult to achieve! “Here’s your packed lunch darling and don’t forget I’ve booked you on the course for assertive males after work”.

@Appleflower strategic incompetence would give me the rage

I assume he manages to get to work on time, with his laptop / equipment?

I hope you know that he absolutely could have been on time for swimming / Guides, if he felt it was important and / or respected your time

But, by pretending to be incompetent, he got you to step in, just as he wanted

I wouldn’t put up with this.

I don’t understand how this even happened.

Surely when you were dating and started moving in together you didn’t just automatically do everything for him?
Or did you?

Some men look for replacement mothers to do everything for them.

He’s an embarrassing man baby but what’s worse is that you allow it!

Why do (some) women think so little of themselves that they allow these men into their lives ?

Before you had your children did he do things like cut the hedges without you nagging him? Before you had your children/when you were first dating did he talk about his SAD symptoms much?

Of course, because they start out as lazy and useless because that’s such an attractive quality? There is no part of your thought process that understands this happens over decades not weeks?

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have found when it gets to this point it really is time to end it. You sound like a stand up woman and he sounds like a man child. Don't let his failure to "stand up and be present" strip you of your quality of life. It will happen if it hasn't already started to. He isn't the right match for you.

Mine was like this but it all started changing when he asked ‘ where’s the …::? And I replied , ‘hang on, bend over and I’ll wipe your backside for you! Stop being lazy and look!’ He too would say ‘ how can I support you/help etc but wouldn’t open his eyes but I used to say ‘ open your eyes , what are the options??’ He is better now but still tries it on.

This! Perfectly illustrated!

Your narrative is so common in lots of relationships including mine. He was (dead now) an absolute drain on me for years and I became his mother/housekeeper/ bed mate. It destroyed me.

I got out in the end but how I did it is another story altogether.

I wasted so much of my younger life on being the 1950’s housewife because we had a child and I was financially compromised. I got a job and that changed my world!

I don’t mourn him.

Things only got this way after children. It was the transition of taking on a little bit more of the household load whilst on mat leave which then manifested in to him leaving the baby stuff up to me because I knew what they wanted, knew when they were growing out of clothing etc due to spending the majority of time with them. Then it’s not really seemed to revert back, it’s just gotten worse with more things added to my plate until I’m eventually left to manage it all.

The problem is I wasn’t prepared to just walk after him being incompetent on one occasion, so I have had multiple discussions with him to try and fix it, explain the mental load and what have you. This is where it’s left me, no improvement and now I’m at breaking point.

Separation would be a massive financial struggle but that thought is more appealing than spending my life in resentment.

It did not begin this way. He moved out of his home at 16, lived in another country alone for 5 years then came back to the UK. He had lived alone for 10 years before we met so he is a competent person. He would cook, make his own chilli oils (so clearly enjoyed the process of cooking - he never saw it as a chore) wash and dry clothes and food plan with me pre children. He also had drive to do things such as frequent spinning classes at the gym, socialising etc. I look at him now and he looks tired, fed up and as though he’s lost that spark for life and in turn can’t be fucked to do anything to make mine easier. I feel as though he’s a bad banana in a fruit bowl and it’s spreading to me. I am feeling down trodden and exhausted by his lack of energy or willingness to do anything.

I didn’t choose this man, but I have let him become lazy and incompetent over time and I acknowledge the part I have played in allowing that to happen. It’s not something that you instantly notice though, it is drip fed over time and hits you like a bus as someone on here perfectly described.

So he’s more than capable of sharing the load but just chooses not to?
Thats awful.

I don’t know what to suggest that you wouldn’t have already tried.

And yes he did mention SAD symptoms but he would always do something proactive to self medicate such as the gym or reading/mindful activities. Now he uses it as a get out of jail free card.

I sympathise with mental illness having suffered depression on and off my whole life. At one point it was extremely dark but I have pulled myself out of that hole by doing things that I know make me better which is why I find his new found victimhood so, so draining.

"Separation would be a massive financial struggle but that thought is more appealing than spending my life in resentment."

Having read your update I think this is your answer.
It really is never going to get any better, he is the kind of man who, now you have children, will always use the fact you have children and you do everything (and always have since they were born) as the reason why he does nothing. On a subconscious level he probably knows you would find separation a "massive financial struggle" and for as long as he knows that he is literally never going to change. Sorry.

Your finances will suffer undoubtedly, but your h will have to pay maintenance and you could get UC so don't let him think he has you hostage.

You're strong and capable and there's nothing more unattractive than incompetence in a partner.
He really brings nothing to your life at the moment, does he?
You could try telling him all these things from how you feel disrespected, how his incompetence is repulsive and how you miss the fun adventurous capable man he used to be.

Well that's why option 1 and 2 are basically leave. Not everyone is prepared to. In which case she has to change how she reacts to the situation.she has to change HERSELF not him. To someone who isn't acting like the Mom of a toddler.

do you have any access to counselling through your employer

Separation would be a massive financial struggle but that thought is more appealing than spending my life in resentment.

It's crunch time. I suggest looking at your finances first as the knowledge that it's doable will give you strength. Then sit down with him and tell him things need to change drastically and permanently. If he feels like he can't change (with or without marriage counselling) then he needs to leave. Tell him that's how far his behaviour has pushed your marriage.

I will say this though, if you backtrack and keep the dynamic as it is...how do you feel living this life for the next ten or twenty years, or even until you both retire?

I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP. I know you’ve mentioned you’ve had the mental load conversation as well as others with him multiple times, and if you go to him and say you’re going to leave if he doesn’t change mind resolve his behaviour short term, but it won’t work long term.

One thing you could try (if you haven’t already), and I totally agree you shouldn’t HAVE to do this, but this is something I did because when DH and I first moved into our home together, I was having the same issues as you. He was always very grateful for everything I was doing, and he would always say that he’s happy to help if I just tell him what to do, but I was also starting to feel like a mother to him rather than a partner, and I didn’t understand how he couldn’t look around the house the same way I do and see what needs to be done. I sat him down and had that conversation with him, that I’m not here to take care of him and the house but that we’re supposed to take care of EACH OTHER. We agreed a set of jobs each that would be “our jobs”, at first I literally wrote them on the whiteboard in the kitchen to remind him of his🤣 and agreed how frequently each job needed done. For us this did actually work wonders because part of it I think was that we just have different standards, if I can see any crumbs or anything on the floor, I hoover it away. If I see 2 plates in the sink, I’ll wash them. If I see a half full drying rack of dishes, I’d put them away. I wipe the benches etc down every day. Whereas my DH just wouldn’t see it like that, a few crumbs on the floor wouldn’t make him feel a need to hoover, and if he saw 2 plates in the sink he wouldn’t immediately think of washing them because he knows there’s others in the cupboard and he would use them all THEN clean them all. We’re just different in that way. But by sitting and agreeing our jobs & how often they need to be done, it takes the differences in mentality out of the equation completely.

Obviously, you shouldn’t have to go to those extents, but for us that was a conversation we had once and we’ve never had to have it again. If you want to stay in your marriage and you’ve already tried having a conversation before, this could be worth a last ditch try?

I was in a relationship that wasn't awful, he's a nice man and we are still friends, but, like you OP, everything was left to me, all the decisions about the kids and the house. I remember once one of the kids was being a pain and I wanted to try and sort out a plan with exH, his total input was, 'I'll do whatever you think is best'. Aaaargh!

When we did split up, the feeling of relief was overwhelming. Yes, all the physical and mental loads were mine and mine alone, but without the rage inducing irritation of having another adult in the house who was perfectly capable of doing stuff without being asked, and without having to carry the mental load of organising his life too.

Edite to add: I think you've gone past the stage of sitting down with him and making lists to divide chores. I would seriously look at splitting up.

My god that would send me up the wall. You have my sympathy. I think you can only tell him how you’re feeling. If he’s this clueless then he’ll probably be surprised by the strength of your feelings. Then if he doesn’t change, you need to decide whether or not this is the life for you. Good luck, and leave his stupid shirts for him to do