How did I end up in this dynamic

[Truthbomb]

I need to get this out of my head. I want to go to counselling however our current budget just doesn’t allow for this and GP wait times are insane.

I am a woman with two children and my partner (their dad) is driving me to insanity. I feel fucked from having to constantly live in my masculine energy to make up for what he lacks. I make every decision in this house hold and I don’t want to. I beg for his input sometimes and he says ‘I’ll support whatever you want to do’. That’s so fucking unhelpful. Pretty much like Julia’s husband from motherland! I am at a point where I’m starting to loathe him and find him rather pathetic. I meal plan, shop, budget, organise the bills, make every decision regarding our kids, tell him what he needs to do regarding household maintenance etc. He asked me where his work shirts were this morning and I wanted to combust. How privileged is that question? Just living in the knowledge that someone else has organised your life for you. He will ask me if we have butter in the fridge before even LOOKING IN THE FUCKING FRIDGE.

To sum it up, he does nothing except work and when he comes home he makes very basic conversation and childish jokes and I really am beginning to loathe him. He always says to me ‘am I doing enough, how can I help to support you more?’, but I am trying to explain that I can’t teach him to use his eyeballs and see that the washing needs bringing in, or the stairs need hoovering, why an earth do I have to remind him? The problem with ‘asking for help’ means that when I don’t think for him, it inevitably doesn’t get done and then that is still my fault for not telling him what to do.

He always says how grateful he is to me and how I teach him to communicate and be open about his emotions and help him budget better since he is terrible with finances but I can’t think of one thing that he brings to the table to enrich my quality of life other than a second salary.

I am independent but I also would like a balanced relationship where I feel taken care of occasionally but I feel I can never relax, never have my guard down because it’s always at the cost of something slipping. Every evening after dinner he says ‘I’ll do the dishes just leave them for a minute’ but that essentially means he will leave them out including food on the plates until the following morning and I find it so frustrating. We have an open plan house and I don’t want to smell or have dirty dishes in my eyeline when I’m trying to relax. Inevitably I end up doing it because I find it so irritating.

He just seems to have no urgency, no direction, no motivation, no interests. After work he just moans about his team and lives in a victimhood that is soul destroying to listen to.

He is already telling me this year is going to be a difficult year as his suffers from SADs and he can feel it starting already. I know he will expect me to understand and counsel him through this and I just can’t do it anymore. I feel like I may have a breakdown from carrying everyone in our household whilst all my needs are completely unmet.

I cannot go on like this, I fear living with this level of resentment and stress will make me unwell.

I am sorry for rambling, I just need to get these thoughts out of my brain. They are all consuming and so tiring.

Weaponised incompetence wrapped up in a victim mentality. A weekend away to think would be good. And then a clear discussion on expectations if there is to be any future. Put him on notice.

Wow, I haven’t seen this before. It’s brilliant. This is what I’ve been trying to tell a good friend of mine because she doesn’t get it. I will be sending this to her.

This is most heterosexual relationships to be honest.

and please, I don’t want to hear about how your dh isn’t like that at all. I know plenty of women who talk about how great their husband is. What they mean is he’s not shit.

I feel your pain.

Just last week I reached the point where I had a full on hysterical fit with my boyfriend over much the same thing, to the point if I'd been a neighbour hearing me I would have called the Police...I was screaming and screeching so loud and high I'm surprised dogs weren't howling...

It was prompted by coming back from a week away working abroad to find my flat - which I had left in pristine condition - an absolute wreck, in a disgusting, dirty state. The place stank to high heaven, a week's worth of used cat litter in bags left lying around the toilet in the bathroom (h.e would have been going past the outside bin at least twice a day) ... and I was nearly physically ill at the state of said toilet... the final straw, which initiated my fit, was the fact he'd broken my shower due to his incompetence ... I'm physically disabled and it's the only way I can bathe. He hadn't even bothered trying to get it fixed.

Like others have posted, my boyfriend practices 'weaponised incompetence'... THAT he has down to a fine art. We've been together 14 years and I've told him repeatedly that we will NEVER live together due to it - I'm 55 and far too old to be a maid to anyone. I know some would say 'he did you a favour, looking after your cats for a week' but frankly I'd rather pay for a pet sitter than come back to my flat in the state it was. As it was, getting my shower fixed is going to cost twice what a pet sitter would have.

The only advice I can give is to get rid. The older I've got, the less willing I am to put up with this type of male crap.

He’s fucking lazy and manipulative. Give him jobs to do that require him to use his own fucking brain instead of yours. He’ll be too busy to suffer from SAD.

Yuk, sounds like being married to a child. Does he realise he's a father and husband and had a house too?

You both work ffs, you should have equal down time.

The team at work example is a good one. He’s infuriated as they shouldn’t need to ask him they should no…welcome to your world.
Having a serious conversation with examples like you’ve put here.
The zero tolerance - have we any butter/shirts etc - I have no idea/why ask me.
Dividing up tasks so he needs to take full responsibility eg his job is swimming and brownies v yours is school admin.
If no improvement then reconsider future together.

Thank you for responding to this thread. I am going to have some lunch and read through some of the links that have been posted here.

To the poster who said their partner says ‘I was just about to do that’ in a sad tone when he sees them doing the dishes, this is what my partner does too. He had no intention of doing them, but just wants me to think he did.

Needless to say this has ruined our sex life. I am not attracted to a person I am mothering, and that’s what our life has come to.

To the person who said I have allowed this, I have. That’s why I am so frustrated and I need to do some solid searching to understand exactly why I have any tolerance for such fuckery in my life.

I feel I will end up totally unravelling and frothing at the mouth when I approach this with him because for me this is such a loaded topic. I have explained to him before that even his luxury of spending 20 minutes having a shit in the morning is purely because he’s a man who knows everything is being handled.

He touched my bum the other day and asked for a kiss so we could ‘connect’ and I physically recoiled. For me, intimacy starts with respect and I feel so angry that he thinks he can live this way and expect me to have an ounce of desire for him.

I do want so much for my daughter to have a family under one roof but I am reaching a point where I can’t do that at the expense of myself. What am I teaching her by living out this pathetic life.

I feel him mentioning how bad he feels his SAD will be this year is just preempting me for another quarter of useless pathetic moping and moaning whilst his whole life is looked after by someone else.

I have SAD. It sucks but there are lots of coping strategies, including light boxes, good nutrition, regular exercise and DOING STUFF.

I have also repeatedly asked him to trim the hedges which he has not done for months now and they are overgrown. I stopped asking to see how long it would take him and it looks like he is willing to leave them indefinitely. Our garden is like fucking Jumanji. The petty person inside wants to just grab the hedge trimmer and do it myself but I’m then just allocating myself yet another job to do.

The work example is a great one, I am going to use that.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your only mistake was to marry a man.

I’m afraid it’s endemic in society. There’s a few decent guys out there, but not that many. So don’t feel bad about settling.

I get so fucked off by the holier than thou brigade who ask why you put up with it, or berate you for marrying someone like this.

but if women didn’t ‘settle’ for twats like this, there would be about 25 marriages a year.

Have you thought about directing him to this thread?

Let him read what you think…and what other women say about the impact it has on their marriage.

You sum up perfectly the issue in many, many marriages.

go away for the weekend. Leave him to it. And ask him to arrange couples counselling or you are getting a divorce.

Cutting hedges is a great cure I have heard. Hand him the trimmer and he can update you on his mood afterwards 🌳

Or you can put the trimmer to other uses perhaps?

Would a letter or email to him help you get it across.
You don’t want to be the shared household manager. You’re spot on with your points about intimacy.
I’d seriously consider a few days away - work course or something you want to do preferably with no phone signal.

Exactly the same with my DH. He has no desire or motivation to do the hedges or indeed anything in the garden, so it all just gets left - it's like a jungle. I have in the past begged him to do it, I feel so embarrassed as our neighbours have mentioned that our hedges/bushes are encroaching on their garden. So he takes a pair of shears out, gives a few snips here and there, leaves all the waste just lying around, then comes back in after 10 minutes and lays down on the sofa, exhausted.

@Truthbomb

He always says to me ‘am I doing enough, how can I help to support you more?’

If he really means this, then all is not lost. You could sit down together, make up a list of chores, agree what each chore entails (eg does laundry include putting clothes away / ironing?), negotiate who does what and then stay firm in your lane and don't fall into the trap of doing the chores anyway. Bonus points if many of his chores only affect him eg he doesn't wash his clothes = he has no clean socks = no impact on you

But, talk is cheap. Does he really want to be an equal partner? Does he respect your time?

Easier said than done, but my top tip to anyone reading this thread is start as you mean to go on

I will save you some time soul searching as to how ‘it came to this’
We are so fucking busy keeping everything afloat, exhausted having babies and children and multi tasking a million other things, that this creeps up on you very slowly, stealth like - until one day you wake up with boiled frog eyes wide open thinking WTAH happened. Where did my strapping, capable husband go? Who the fuck is this dribbling man child rocking in the corner of self pity?

How did it come to this?
It comes in micro steps that you don’t even notice at the time, until bam you realise your dh has crossed over to the kiddie section, and has decided adulting is too much like hard work.

Loaded up with financial responsibilities and dependents you have limited options by then to fix it, unless you put a divorce sized grenade under your family home and life or he has a miraculous moment of awakening.

These all sound like good ideas, but I have tried similar on my DH and it just doesn't work. I gave him the job of taking our DD swimming. The problem was that he would not get organised and would be crashing around 5 minutes before they were supposed to leave, trying to find towels, goggles etc. Same with guides, he wouldn't remember or know what to bring on a certain day etc. My dd would end up being anxious and upset, and they would invariably be late/ forget something for whatever activity it was. So I end up doing everything now simply because I don't want my children to suffer.

I agree with everyone saying you need to divide up the chores. My DH is in charge of menu planning and food shopping. The important thing is not to pick up the pieces when it goes wrong. Food goes out of date? Bin it, ask what he's going to do about it. Dinner takes to long to cook (late home, got to go to clubs etc) again, Ask him what he's going to do about it.
If anyone asks about hedges, tell them your DH is in charge of doing them.
Do not do anything that is not your job. It will take time, because he won't be used to doing it correctly. He has to learn

Have you thought about directing him to this thread?

If you just want to get revenge and piss him off, do it. Otherwise, it might make you feel better, but sering a load of women online discussing how shit he is, however fairly, is more likely to make him defensive and rebellious than contrite.

I don't know what the best method is, though.

Have a look at the fair play method online it's a system to helps you clarify the million invisible jobs it takes to run a household and breaks them down into conception, planning and execution. You divide the 'cards' and whoever has a card is responsible for all three elements, so if you hold the 'food' card you need to meal plan, shop and cook. The other partner stays out of it. You also agree a 'minimum standard' for each card in advance.

it's not magic, but it's helpful to nail down expectations without having to be the manager.

To the poster who said their partner says ‘I was just about to do that’ in a sad tone when he sees them doing the dishes, this is what my partner does too. He had no intention of doing them, but just wants me to think he did.

Have you said this to him? That you can see right through those words and know he's blatantly telling you a lie?
And that he shows you every day that he has no respect for you, your relationship and your home because this is what he's showing you every day and now you feel repulsed?

Tell him all of this. If this doesn't make him make an effort then nothing will.

OP you are never ever ever going to change him.
If it is literally a second salary/money he contributes why have you not done the sums to leave him yet?
If you are independent (financially I assume) you know you could leave him and eventually find someone else? You won't find someone better suited to him whilst you are with him will you

I can see it could backfire and only works if he cares about dc. I suppose start small, don’t step in with upset dc or rescue him and with things that don’t matter in grand scheme. (the post where dad forgot to register child for 11+ a few years ago on here springs to mind)
We have several dads as parent contact in Guides (there is a mum but they presumably divide by activity) and they are on ball as they don’t want kid to miss out.

I haven’t done the sums to leave yet because I didn’t want that to be our reality. I naturally take responsibility for everything and in my head I feel as though I will blame myself for the upheaval in my children’s lives. I know in reality this isn’t my problem. I have tried and tried again to hold it together but it feels like a sinking ship at times.

I have had the mental load conversation so many times, but I haven’t explained the feeling of being repulsed. I know I need to say these things because it highlights the severity of it for me.

I need to tell him I’m on the verge of leaving as a last ditch attempt to change things so that I know in my own mind I have tried everything. If that doesn’t change him I will have no choice but to go.

I can feel the cortisol in my body every day and I am very conscious that this is having a physical impact on me as well as mentally.