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AIBU?

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Original poster

ExH and Ex MIL being unreasonable

50 replies

Feelingmeh2022 · 26/09/2023 00:34

Hello,

I have recently divorced from husband and have started a new relationship. My ExH and his mum have found out and flipped. This weekend during during their weekend with our children, they have brought a photo frame and with a photo of my ExH and kids in and told my eldest son he has to put it by the bed. Bear in mind they know me and the kids are currently sharing a room as we are temporarily staying with my parents. I have told him this isn’t happening as it’s weird as we are no longer a couple and any photos he should keep at his home. I have also told him on several occasions he is more than welcome to pick boys up for an hour or so after work if he is missing them but have never been taken up on this offer.
i find it very strange they have decided to do this the same weekend they find out that I have a new partner.

AIBU to give the photo back and tell them to stop giving my 4 year old instructions regarding my personal space.

OP posts:
Achdinnae · 26/09/2023 00:40

Don't rise to the bait! Just stick the picture in a drawer "to keep it safe".

Ohthatsabitshit · 26/09/2023 00:44

Yeah just put it away.

Tinkerbyebye · 26/09/2023 01:03

Put the photon a safe place. Then when you get your own place and your child has their own room put the photo out.

Cowlover89 · 26/09/2023 01:05

Just put it in a draw x

Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2023 01:09

What a mess.

tescocreditcard · 26/09/2023 01:12

Achdinnae · 26/09/2023 00:40

Don't rise to the bait! Just stick the picture in a drawer "to keep it safe".

Yes this is a good idea.

How do they know you're in a new relationship?

Enko · 26/09/2023 01:20

Don't tell your child it's weird he had a photo of his dad out. Ask your child where he would like it and put it there. Its a photo of someone your child loves don't make your child feel bad about that.

You have to love your child more than you hate your x

WandaWonder · 26/09/2023 01:23

Sure it's odd but it is up to your child what they do, it is his home too

Think of all this from your child's viewpoint first

GypsyTartForSchoolLunch · 26/09/2023 01:31

Enko · 26/09/2023 01:20

Don't tell your child it's weird he had a photo of his dad out. Ask your child where he would like it and put it there. Its a photo of someone your child loves don't make your child feel bad about that.

You have to love your child more than you hate your x

This!

Original poster
Feelingmeh2022 · 26/09/2023 02:27

Of course I love my child more than my ex which is why I ended the marriage in the first place but I don’t see how it is appropriate to have a photo of my ex husband by my bedside when we are no longer together. How do you think that also makes my new partner feel. Sure if my child had their own personal space but my ex and my MIL know this isn’t the case. The fact they have also sent this photo round when they did shows it’s all manipulation which they have been doing throughout the entire divorce. I’m not one to mess with my children’s heads in this way so when done maliciously towards me, I think it’s very inappropriate.

They also found out about my new relationship through one of their neighbours who happened to be dining in the same restaurant as me and my new partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingmeh2022 · 26/09/2023 02:30

Sorry my post also wasn’t clear. I never told my son it was weird, I had this conversation with my ExH and told him it was weird. Ofc I wouldn’t belittle the children’s dad to them and put them in an awkward position.

OP posts:
electriclight · 26/09/2023 02:39

Tbf it is very difficult when your ex starts seeing a new partner, with all of the feelings of being 'replaced' and jealousy about how often your child spends time with them. To me, the photo is your ex saying 'please don't forget that I'm your dad.'

You say 'how does this make my partner feel'. But surely he is grown up enough to realise that the photo belongs to your dc and is not there so that you can gaze lovingly at it while you fall asleep? I didnt remove photos of my ex with dc when we separated and nobody has ever said it was a problem - dc's feelings come first.

Will new bf even know it's there if your bedroom is also your dc's bedroom, at your mum's house? I'm hoping any relations happen at his house tbh

Original poster
Feelingmeh2022 · 26/09/2023 03:11

Yes I understand what you’re saying and I do talk to my children regularly about feelings etc. They’ve never once asked for pictures of their dad. I’ve told their dad I’m more than happy for him to see his children whenever as long as I haven’t already made plans with them. He hasn’t yet once taken this opportunity.

tbf my partner has been very understanding throughout and understands my children’s feelings always come first. However, i do understand he is in a difficult position too and just from my point of view I don’t want to go to bed looking at my ExH every night. There’s a reason why we are no longer together and I just feel like if roles were reversed, would my ExH and Ex MIL put a photo of me in their house? No.

OP posts:
SillySausagez · 26/09/2023 03:25

Just put it in a bag at the back of your kids drawer and once moved let them independently decide if they want a photo of dad by their bed when they have their own bedroom. I wouldn’t bother discussing this with the ex, it’s non of his business what your kids have on their walls in your house. I wouldn’t rise to the bait.

GKD · 26/09/2023 03:41

Why does your new partner even know about the pic? Surely he hasn’t been in the space your child sleeps in?

If your eldest is 4 than surely the split with your ex is fairly recent?

Ex and MIL are yanking your chain and I’d rise above it - this isn’t the hill I’d die on.

Unless there was abuse and this is triggering I’d leave it up and drawer it in a few weeks.

Original poster
Feelingmeh2022 · 26/09/2023 04:06

My new partner only knows about the photo because it was sent back in my children’s bag and my brother who took the boys in for me, mentioned it to me when my partner had come round for dinner just to make me aware of the photo in the bag. Ofc my new partner hasn’t and wouldn’t be staying in my children’s space.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 26/09/2023 04:31

I'd have said we can put it in a drawer to keep it safe until you get your own bedroom to put it in. My kids have pictures of their dad and siblings in their room it wouldn't occur to not have them

Original poster
Feelingmeh2022 · 26/09/2023 04:34

I have no issue the boys having it when they have their own room but I find it weird to send this knowing it’s also my room and me and in laws are not amicable at all.

OP posts:
GKD · 26/09/2023 04:42

That’s good it’s not in partners face, a shame he needed to know at all.

If put my DC feelings first though, it wasn’t a thing unfortunately through no cult of their own now it is.

As an adult I wouldn’t want them to feel ashamed/deprived of having a pic of their dad to spare my feelings so I’d leave it up.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 26/09/2023 04:43

I think that the bigger point here is that you can take control of your life now. They’ve given it to you but you can chose what to do with it. Spend less time getting angry with your ex, you can’t change what he does - more time just focusing on your child and what he needs.

Ragwort · 26/09/2023 04:46

What a drama over a photo, it's the DC's Dad, it's not unreasonable for them to have a photo of him. Your new boyfriend doesn't need to have an opinion on this .. you sound very invested with him already - calling him a 'DP' Hmm - has he already met your DC?

CherryMaDeara · 26/09/2023 05:06

Bin the fucking photo! Twat doesn’t even see his kids and yet wants his picture in your bedroom.

Have you moved out of the family home, is ex still there?

WaltzingWaters · 26/09/2023 05:17

Yeah just put it away until child has their own room. No need to make a big drama of it with your ex.

RedHelenB · 26/09/2023 05:43

Tinkerbyebye · 26/09/2023 01:03

Put the photon a safe place. Then when you get your own place and your child has their own room put the photo out.

This.

Wildhorses2244 · 26/09/2023 05:52

It’s a shame you’ve already raised this with ex.

id have done what pp said about “let’s put this in a drawer to keep it super safe”

Then I’d have bought an identical frame and sent a picture of me to ex’s house…..