Page 2 | ExH and Ex MIL being unreasonable

Feelingmeh2022 · 2023-09-25T23:34:52+00:00

Hello, I have recently divorced from husband and have started a new relationship. My ExH and his mum have found out and flipped. This weekend during during their weekend with our children, they have brought a photo frame and with a photo of my ExH and kids in and told my eldest son he has to put it by the bed. Bear in mind they know me and the kids are currently sharing a room as we are temporarily staying with my parents. I have told him this isn’t happening as it’s weird as we are no longer a couple and any photos he should keep at his home. I have also told him on several occasions he is more than welcome to pick boys up for an hour or so after work if he is missing them but have never been taken up on this offer. i find it very strange they have decided to do this the same weekend they find out that I have a new partner. AIBU to give the photo back and tell them to stop giving my 4 year old instructions regarding my personal space.

MintJulia · 26/09/2023 05:54

You have a decade or more of co-parenting to get through. It will be a lot easier if you learn not to rise. Whatever they do to bait you, don't give them any feedback.

I've had the 'family photo' (straight in a drawer), the toys sent by post to 5yo ds which when opened have a kilo of sweets added to the packaging (removed and brought out gradually from the snack cupboard), a self-help book for 9yo ds for xmas (once he'd shown no interest, in the bin), the manipulative emails to ds' account (forwarded to my account and then deleted). I could go on.

Don't rise, don't react, don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they have irritated you. Proceed through your day with angelic calm. Look like they haven't even crossed your consciousness. Their interference is and will always be irrelevant. Eventually they will get bored.

smallshinybutton · 26/09/2023 06:05

You seem incredibly angry tbh. Also not sure why ex MIL is getting dragged into this. She's probably doing her best to help your child navigate the situation. Perhaps your child said something to dad last time they saw each other and the photo seemed the best idea. My DSC have a photo of them with their mum in their room. It's not your ex's fault you have to share a room. Once you've got that sorted out and DC have their own room then that photo will be fine presumably so just chill. That won't be long I'm guessing.

I'm not sure why you're so angry but you're only going to hurt your child and yourself if you keep blowing up over small things.

Tourmalines · 26/09/2023 06:46

I’m sure they don’t intend to invade YOUR space . It’s for DS to put in his room which is certainly reasonable .(when he gets one ) It’s also none of new boyfriend’s buisiness.

Original poster

Feelingmeh2022 · 26/09/2023 06:48

I’m moreso angry at the fact they constantly discuss decisions regarding my home with a 4 year old thinking that will then make the decision final. ExH and MIL should only be making decisions regarding what happens in their home and whatever happens at mine should be of no concern.

other than that I have been very reasonable and tried to remain amicable and yet constantly they throw curve balls and try to provoke a reaction. It’s very tiresome.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feelingmeh2022 · 26/09/2023 06:50

New boyfriend hasn’t made any comments or judgements regarding the photo and has actually been quite understanding. I just felt sorry for the way it was thrown in the air. If the boot was on the other foot I probably would have felt a little
uncomfortable. I am fully invested in this guy as we have been seeing each-other for a while now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feelingmeh2022 · 26/09/2023 06:51

Thank you for all your comments. It definitely has given me a lot to think on. I think as PP have said I’ll put into a drawer for now and approach it again at a later date when the kids have their own personal space.

OP posts:

anomaly2 · 26/09/2023 07:07

WandaWonder · 26/09/2023 01:23

Sure it's odd but it is up to your child what they do, it is his home too

Think of all this from your child's viewpoint first

The child is 4. He is being manipulated by his father and grandmother. The OP does not need a photo of her ex in her bedroom. If the child came up with the request that's one thing but it's been engineered by controlling and manipulating in-laws

anomaly2 · 26/09/2023 07:10

electriclight · 26/09/2023 02:39

Tbf it is very difficult when your ex starts seeing a new partner, with all of the feelings of being 'replaced' and jealousy about how often your child spends time with them. To me, the photo is your ex saying 'please don't forget that I'm your dad.'

You say 'how does this make my partner feel'. But surely he is grown up enough to realise that the photo belongs to your dc and is not there so that you can gaze lovingly at it while you fall asleep? I didnt remove photos of my ex with dc when we separated and nobody has ever said it was a problem - dc's feelings come first.

Will new bf even know it's there if your bedroom is also your dc's bedroom, at your mum's house? I'm hoping any relations happen at his house tbh

If the dad really felt like he was being replaced wouldn't you think he would choose to actually ya know, spend time with his dc instead of ignoring them and choosing not to see them? Just a thought.

x2boys · 26/09/2023 07:42

Feelingmeh2022 · 26/09/2023 02:27

Of course I love my child more than my ex which is why I ended the marriage in the first place but I don’t see how it is appropriate to have a photo of my ex husband by my bedside when we are no longer together. How do you think that also makes my new partner feel. Sure if my child had their own personal space but my ex and my MIL know this isn’t the case. The fact they have also sent this photo round when they did shows it’s all manipulation which they have been doing throughout the entire divorce. I’m not one to mess with my children’s heads in this way so when done maliciously towards me, I think it’s very inappropriate.

They also found out about my new relationship through one of their neighbours who happened to be dining in the same restaurant as me and my new partner.

What does it have to.do.with my your new partner?

electriclight · 26/09/2023 07:42

"If the dad really felt like he was being replaced wouldn't you think he would choose to actually ya know, spend time with his dc instead of ignoring them and choosing not to see them? Just a thought."

Thank you. I read the op as her offering extra days after school if he was missing them, and didn't realise that he wasn't seeing them at all.

ZebrasLoveLions · 26/09/2023 07:44

Enko · 26/09/2023 01:20

Don't tell your child it's weird he had a photo of his dad out. Ask your child where he would like it and put it there. Its a photo of someone your child loves don't make your child feel bad about that.

You have to love your child more than you hate your x

Absolutely this.

Testina · 26/09/2023 07:48

Of course your XH is being an Arsehole.
But of all the things you shouldn’t be bothered about here, it’s:

”How do you think that also makes my new partner feel.”

You go on to say he’s fine and understanding, but I guess only because it made your boyfriend look bad.

Newsflash: if your child chose to have s photo of daddy in their personal space, new boyfriend should just suck it up.

AuntieStella · 26/09/2023 07:50

ZebrasLoveLions · 26/09/2023 07:44

Absolutely this.

Show quote history

Exactly.

Do not under any circumstances be the one who limits what your DC does. If he wants a pic with his DDad on display, then of course he should have one wherever the hell he likes (to begin with, at least) even if that means in more shared parts of the house.

Your DC has a right to a relationship with both sides of his family. Don't be the one who criticises or undermines it. And yes, banging on about a photo does both those things.

Testina · 26/09/2023 07:52

Feelingmeh2022 · 26/09/2023 04:06

My new partner only knows about the photo because it was sent back in my children’s bag and my brother who took the boys in for me, mentioned it to me when my partner had come round for dinner just to make me aware of the photo in the bag. Ofc my new partner hasn’t and wouldn’t be staying in my children’s space.

Why did your brother bring it up in front of your boyfriend?
Shit stirring?

Hummingbird233 · 26/09/2023 07:52

Drama drama.

Just take the photo frame then discretely put it away in your child's memory box.

You are assuming it's for you, but maybe your child has said they miss their dad.

The most important thing now is to protect the children's mental health. Family break ups are hard for kids and can often cause long term issues for them. Dig deep and, like others have said, don't take the bait. Make it an easy transition for your children.

Original poster

Feelingmeh2022 · 26/09/2023 07:57

Not at all. He mentioned it because he had taken the kids in from the dad and Nan and they had asked him to pass the message on.

OP posts:

femfemlicious · 26/09/2023 07:57

electriclight · 26/09/2023 02:39

Tbf it is very difficult when your ex starts seeing a new partner, with all of the feelings of being 'replaced' and jealousy about how often your child spends time with them. To me, the photo is your ex saying 'please don't forget that I'm your dad.'

You say 'how does this make my partner feel'. But surely he is grown up enough to realise that the photo belongs to your dc and is not there so that you can gaze lovingly at it while you fall asleep? I didnt remove photos of my ex with dc when we separated and nobody has ever said it was a problem - dc's feelings come first.

Will new bf even know it's there if your bedroom is also your dc's bedroom, at your mum's house? I'm hoping any relations happen at his house tbh

NOPE! I disagree. It's one thing to not remove pictures after separation and another thing to out a picture of your ex by your bedside. For me that would be detrimental to my mental health. She is breaking free from the marriage. The picture can be put in the sons room when they move. The picture van be put in a drawer and the son can look at it whenever he likes.

Fallingthroughclouds · 26/09/2023 07:59

Feelingmeh2022 · 26/09/2023 02:27

Of course I love my child more than my ex which is why I ended the marriage in the first place but I don’t see how it is appropriate to have a photo of my ex husband by my bedside when we are no longer together. How do you think that also makes my new partner feel. Sure if my child had their own personal space but my ex and my MIL know this isn’t the case. The fact they have also sent this photo round when they did shows it’s all manipulation which they have been doing throughout the entire divorce. I’m not one to mess with my children’s heads in this way so when done maliciously towards me, I think it’s very inappropriate.

They also found out about my new relationship through one of their neighbours who happened to be dining in the same restaurant as me and my new partner.

Does your partner ever go in your room, that you share with your son, at your parents house? However I agree with pps put it in a drawer, sounds like there is a lot of animosity. In what way did they flip?

FrangipaniBlue · 26/09/2023 08:13

If your new partner has an issue with a 4 year old having a photo of him with his dad then quite honestly, you need to ditch him!

Myalternate · 26/09/2023 08:33

anomaly2 · 26/09/2023 07:10

If the dad really felt like he was being replaced wouldn't you think he would choose to actually ya know, spend time with his dc instead of ignoring them and choosing not to see them? Just a thought.

Show quote history

“This weekend during during their weekend with our children, they have brought a photo frame and with a photo of my ExH and kids in and told my eldest son he has to put it by the bed.”

The OP in their first post said the children had come back from their weekend visit to their Dad.

We can’t possibly know why Dad sent the photo.

How the new partner feels should not be the OP main consideration.

When my cousin divorced her husband she maintained that her children didn’t ‘divorce’ their Dad and would never undermine his relationship with his children.
Just a thought….

jannier · 26/09/2023 09:38

Feelingmeh2022 · 26/09/2023 02:27

Of course I love my child more than my ex which is why I ended the marriage in the first place but I don’t see how it is appropriate to have a photo of my ex husband by my bedside when we are no longer together. How do you think that also makes my new partner feel. Sure if my child had their own personal space but my ex and my MIL know this isn’t the case. The fact they have also sent this photo round when they did shows it’s all manipulation which they have been doing throughout the entire divorce. I’m not one to mess with my children’s heads in this way so when done maliciously towards me, I think it’s very inappropriate.

They also found out about my new relationship through one of their neighbours who happened to be dining in the same restaurant as me and my new partner.

It's not by your bedside it by your child's if your child wants it out let him....although I think he will say whatever is going to keep you happy regardless of what he wants. If your new partner freaks at your child having a photo of his dad he's not right for a potential deeper relationship.
Many children have photos of parents they don't see as much of as a way of talking to them when they can't be with them.

jannier · 26/09/2023 09:42

Feelingmeh2022 · 26/09/2023 06:48

I’m moreso angry at the fact they constantly discuss decisions regarding my home with a 4 year old thinking that will then make the decision final. ExH and MIL should only be making decisions regarding what happens in their home and whatever happens at mine should be of no concern.

other than that I have been very reasonable and tried to remain amicable and yet constantly they throw curve balls and try to provoke a reaction. It’s very tiresome.

I can imagine a conversation like this....Daddy I really miss you why can't you say good night to me and tuck me in? I've an idea here is a photo put it by your bed and you can give it a kiss at night and I'll feel it and kiss you straight back....
Having worked with many children suffering loss it's pretty standard

jannier · 26/09/2023 09:45

femfemlicious · 26/09/2023 07:57

NOPE! I disagree. It's one thing to not remove pictures after separation and another thing to out a picture of your ex by your bedside. For me that would be detrimental to my mental health. She is breaking free from the marriage. The picture can be put in the sons room when they move. The picture van be put in a drawer and the son can look at it whenever he likes.

Show quote history

Priority should be what's best for the child if the child laying in bed needs to be able to see daddy is with him that's what he needs ....what would mum do if child looks like dad put a bag over his head? Would you say the same if dad had died mums can't cope hide the pics?

SisSuffragette · 26/09/2023 10:41

Enko · 26/09/2023 01:20

Don't tell your child it's weird he had a photo of his dad out. Ask your child where he would like it and put it there. Its a photo of someone your child loves don't make your child feel bad about that.

You have to love your child more than you hate your x

Exactly this!

Testina · 26/09/2023 14:33

Feelingmeh2022 · 26/09/2023 07:57

Not at all. He mentioned it because he had taken the kids in from the dad and Nan and they had asked him to pass the message on.

Well then your brother obviously doesn’t think your boyfriend is too delicate to be reminded that your child has a father. So why are you so bothered about how it could make him feel?