Adult brother needs to leave

[Justlikeme234]

Hi all
My family are at a crossroads with my younger brother.
He is 30 now and diagnosed with ADHD and depression. My mum also has ADHD. He lives at home, I do not. I (34) have a close relationship with both parents and have moved nearer to them since having DD, so I am more involved than I was a few years ago.

The issue is, he is causing so much stress for my parents that they cannot handle having him at the house anymore. They want him to move out but are stuck for options. Both parents are in their early 60s.

They have tried:
Social services - he ignored contact at first then told social services that he wasn't that bad and didn't need help. He cannot get supported living or any other help unless he works with them, which he refuses to.

Moving him out on his own (paid for by parents): he got evicted due to the state of the flat, the smell and mould it caused. Ended up with a huge bill to my parents so he cannot be trusted living alone.

Moving him into a granny annexe: he padlocks the door, treats it like a bin and doesn't come out for days on end. When he does come out, he sometimes emerges with a months load of dirty washing and tells my mum to clean his room. I have seen it, it is up to your ankles in rubbish. He does not shower, brush his teeth or look after himself in any way. This is the current situation.

My parents can't handle it. The constant worry about him, picking up after him etc. on top of it, he is incredibly rude, argumentative and manipulative about everything. He insults my mum and points out all her flaws. He thinks she is out to get him. My mum is very sweet and constantly thinks of others, I have never heard her say a bad word about anyone.

My mum is in bits constantly about this. She is in remission from stage 3 cancer and is now developing severe hives from stress. He shows no empathy towards her or regard for her feelings.

My brother has private mental health care, therapy and a psychiatrist, yet doesn't go to appointments and makes excuses not to. They had a therapist visit the house a few times, he wouldn't open his bedroom door.

At this point I'm considering telling my parents to just kick him out with a few grand and leave him be. Bad idea and I don't even know what would happen to him, that's the scary part. :(

They have even suggested giving money to me and DP so we can buy a larger house and have him with us! My answer was no.

Other than that all I can think of is sectioning him, is that even a thing? They have looked into residential care but it is £1000 a night! Is there somewhere that takes mentally Ill people and houses them even if they don't want to go? Or would he be homeless?

I am completely stumped on what advice to offer to them! My parents are tearing their hair out and I'm the one hearing their worries constantly. I just want them to be happy.

Any tips?

I love my brother, he is a good friend to me. I have no doubt he has severe mental health issues which affect his behaviour but it cannot go on like this. Other people matter in the family and I want my parents to be able to enjoy these years.

I fully agree with this.

I get so frustrated with my Dad's partner whining about her 'poor son' who is in his 30's, spends his wages on weed and beer then puts his hand out to her to pay bills and give him more money to go out and she's stupid enough to do it!! Nothing wrong with him and he's had a really privileged upbringing.

When Mummy is happy to fund the rot, where is the incentive to change?

When your parents are both dead, you will have to evict him to sell their house to get your share of the inheritance. Would you seriously consider leaving him in the house when you own half of it? For it to go to ruin around him?

So sooner or later he will need to be evicted.
So it had better be done sooner rather than later.

For those on here bleating about 'how can you put a son/brother out on the street?' - I answer with a clear conscience that it is in his best interest. He is an adult with something short of £20 grand in the bank.
If he goes literally onto the street, i.e. in a doorway or under a bridge, he may actually end up getting some proper help.
Babying him and letting him carry on like this is not in his interest.

You need to sit and have a serious conversation with your parents about what will happen to him when they’re no longer here to support him. Better for your parents to kick him out now, support him with applying for social care / housing, and hopefully vastly improve his life so that you can all reach the point that you can enjoy his company before your parents are no longer around.

It would be more unfair to him to wait for your parents to pass before he’s forced to sort his life out with no / little support from anyone.

Your parents need to kick him out and move to Cornwall. You Brother does not get to allow or not allow this. Please make sure you have medical and financial power of attorney for both of you parents and make sure you have all the paperwork needed in the event of their death.

Hi @Justlikeme234

As you probably realise, many people with ADHD are neurodivergent and also meet the criteria for Autism.

What you are describing sounds very much like Autism and some PDA too.

It might be helpful to confirm the diagnosis. He doesn't necessarily need to participate in the assessment. Diagnosis is possible on the basis of informant interview (your parents, siblings, any school reports) and of course the diagnosis of ADHD increases the likelihood.

The reason it matters is the difference between leaving him to make his own hapless mistakes and actually making sure he has the right, diagnosis specific support.

It is hard to find services for Autistic adults who fall in the normal IQ category, but they do exist. There may be organisations local to you that can help.

Where I am, if I knew of this situation I would refer it to the Autism Specific Social Worker, and I would be expecting them to line up appropriate supported housing, a care package appropriate to his needs, accessing the right benefits etc.

Sometimes families just provide so much scaffolding, that it's hard to stop...

My BIL is/was like this in his 30s so I have a huge amount of sympathy MIL was his enabler and FIL buried his head in the sand about it. He wouldn’t work, used to smoke weed all the time, and take all their money, rotting takeaways and piss bottles all over his bedroom because he couldn’t be arsed to walk 8 paces to the bathroom. It was horrific.

Eventually MIL got dementia, she couldn’t care for him annymore annd barely remembered who he was and he couldn’t take her being ill. So he actually started leaving the house so not to deal with her.

He became an online dating Cocklodger. Suddenly he became clean, charming and outgoing! He would meet a woman, go on a few dates and try and move in with her. Worked a few times, then he met a lovely girl who he’s still with and they now have a couple of kids. He’s even managed to hold down a few jobs!! I suspect FIL still gives him money to make their lives easier, so he’s then less likely to go back home. We were terrified that we’d end up with him being a massive problem for us.

So my advice is tough love (which is better than dementia!), they need to start making his life harder. They need to downsize their house, get rid of the annex, maybe give him some money and tell him that’s all he’s getting. I know it’s not easy but it’s so much better seeing them actually have a life rather than being surrounded by piss and weed.

Hi, he is medicated for his ADHD and depression and has said it helps. He has no obsessions other than video games and watching TV. He doesn't want anything or aspire to be anything.

Parents pay through the nose for it. His psychiatrist won't discuss him with anyone unless he is at risk of causing harm to himself

Arguably the best thing your parents could do, is literally kick him out and make him “homeless”. The council then will have a duty to house him, it won’t be the cushy living he’s had with your parents but that may then encourage him to actively engage with all the different support agencies that are available to him.

While I know it’s not a nice option, for as long as your parents enable him he will never stand on his two feet because why would he, when currently it doesn’t matter what he does, he’s looked after?

My in laws were in a similar situation with my BIL, he was still living at home at 29, hadn’t had a job in nearly 2 years and even before that was just in and out of jobs, had no respect for anybody used to speak to everybody awfully, his bedroom was a dumping ground etc. For YEARS they tried everything, offered to support him financially to leave, arranged a meeting for him for an assisted living facility which he didn’t even bother to attend, threatened to kick him out for years on end to the point the threat meant nothing and he just became an all round horrible person. Eventually one day at the total end of their tether, they just told him to get out. For weeks he sulked, shouted, said he hated the whole family and would never speak to any of us again, he was put in emergency housing by the council which wasn’t an amazing place, but it gave him some motivation to pull his finger out for the first time in his life because suddenly having no money meant no food to eat, not washing clothes meant no clothes to wear, not cleaning plates meant no plates to eat off, and not working meant living in that shitty flat with a broken shower and toilets that only occasionally flushed!

He got a job and for the first time in his life he stuck at it and turned up every day, because actually he needed that money to live and to get him out of that flat. Suddenly working = a better life. Nobody there to baby him.

He says himself now that kicking him out is the best thing his parents ever did for him.

Sorry to hear about your MIL, crazy how as soon as it was his turn to care he runs for the hills.
We have the bottles of piss situation too. He used to live in the room which is now the spare room. It had to be completely redecorated and recarpeted because of all the mould, piss and food stains everywhere. Crazy

Why is your mum cleaning up after we him?

If he lives in a granny annex then he’s responsible for cleaning up after himself.
If he wants to live in a pig sty, then so be it.

If he was laundry to do then he needs to do it himself.

His ADHD has a lot to answer for but it actually sounds like your parents are enabling this behaviour.

If he had to start cleaning up after himself, he would learn how to keep things more manageable.

Thank you all for your responses.
I am going to speak with my parents in person about this.
I will suggest that he is given a date to move out or be made homeless.
Also going to suggest they look into a housekeeper or carer to visit him a couple times a week when he leaves.
They have enabled him for far too long and I agree, he is too comfortable.

I would also come at it from a caring POV.
Saying that he needs tough love now as if ever they get ill or die he’s not going to be able to cope.

Sadly nothing will change until your parents have had enough and force the issue. I’d hazard a guess that if it hasn’t happened by now it won’t ever happen.

the sad thing is instead of helping they are actually hurting him and perpetuating the problem.

I think that your parents had made a good choice when they set him up in his own flat. In their position I would try to learn from the previous situation, and try to do similar but better again.

Last time your parents ended up with a massive bill, so this time they need to ensure that everything is in his name and not theirs. Choosing a very small bed sit will help with this.

You know that he can’t work- it is so far away from where he currently is - so you or your parents could help him to apply for benefits.

ADHD does make things like cleaning or washing clothes difficult. So I’d recommend setting him up with a weekly cleaner. Adult social care may be able to recommend someone.

Its clear that he has genuine support needs so continue encouraging him to engage with a support worker.

As soon as he moves your parents need to sell up so that he can no longer live with them. If he is evicted/ends up in debt etc he can be helped to deal with it without bailing him out or housing him.

Just be aware op, that as a single male it is very likely that the council will do nothing for him, and he will end up sleeping rough. I have worked in the homelessness sector myself and once you are in that situation it is virtually impossible to get yourself out of it. It is not a life that anyone should have to live.
Your brother sounds like many other men I have met, to challenging for family to want to help but not vulnerable enough for council services to step in. His future isn't looking great whatever happens.

Its clear that he has genuine support needs so continue encouraging him to engage with a support worker.

Is it? Because the depression and ADHD may not be the cause of his behaviour - there are plenty of people with both who would never behave like this. Its more likely to be the massive amounts of weed.

Exactly this

I only hope, OP, that you mean it about not being prepared to take on his care yourself, because from all you've said I can guarantee that's what your parents are hoping for

I think that he is a drug addict

Sorry meant to carry on typing. The weed has ruined him, along with other conditions. Would he consider a rehabilitation service? Expensive but long term could be cheaper for your parents. The rehab would signpost and asses other services.

OP I asked mum today about that guy I was at school with, she's in touch with his parents

His sister lives in another county now and though he's NC with all of them, she still asked that they not give him her new contact info, just in case he does get in touch.

your parents really need to get him out of their home, he will just continue to treat them and their home badly. They certainly shouldn't make meals for him, that's mad. Does he smoke weed in the house?

I think this is a good suggestion.