Adult brother needs to leave

[Justlikeme234]

Hi all
My family are at a crossroads with my younger brother.
He is 30 now and diagnosed with ADHD and depression. My mum also has ADHD. He lives at home, I do not. I (34) have a close relationship with both parents and have moved nearer to them since having DD, so I am more involved than I was a few years ago.

The issue is, he is causing so much stress for my parents that they cannot handle having him at the house anymore. They want him to move out but are stuck for options. Both parents are in their early 60s.

They have tried:
Social services - he ignored contact at first then told social services that he wasn't that bad and didn't need help. He cannot get supported living or any other help unless he works with them, which he refuses to.

Moving him out on his own (paid for by parents): he got evicted due to the state of the flat, the smell and mould it caused. Ended up with a huge bill to my parents so he cannot be trusted living alone.

Moving him into a granny annexe: he padlocks the door, treats it like a bin and doesn't come out for days on end. When he does come out, he sometimes emerges with a months load of dirty washing and tells my mum to clean his room. I have seen it, it is up to your ankles in rubbish. He does not shower, brush his teeth or look after himself in any way. This is the current situation.

My parents can't handle it. The constant worry about him, picking up after him etc. on top of it, he is incredibly rude, argumentative and manipulative about everything. He insults my mum and points out all her flaws. He thinks she is out to get him. My mum is very sweet and constantly thinks of others, I have never heard her say a bad word about anyone.

My mum is in bits constantly about this. She is in remission from stage 3 cancer and is now developing severe hives from stress. He shows no empathy towards her or regard for her feelings.

My brother has private mental health care, therapy and a psychiatrist, yet doesn't go to appointments and makes excuses not to. They had a therapist visit the house a few times, he wouldn't open his bedroom door.

At this point I'm considering telling my parents to just kick him out with a few grand and leave him be. Bad idea and I don't even know what would happen to him, that's the scary part. :(

They have even suggested giving money to me and DP so we can buy a larger house and have him with us! My answer was no.

Other than that all I can think of is sectioning him, is that even a thing? They have looked into residential care but it is £1000 a night! Is there somewhere that takes mentally Ill people and houses them even if they don't want to go? Or would he be homeless?

I am completely stumped on what advice to offer to them! My parents are tearing their hair out and I'm the one hearing their worries constantly. I just want them to be happy.

Any tips?

I love my brother, he is a good friend to me. I have no doubt he has severe mental health issues which affect his behaviour but it cannot go on like this. Other people matter in the family and I want my parents to be able to enjoy these years.

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/d563e28e-92a6-11ed-8b99-f233af7a7956?shareToken

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does he have PDA too?

It’s shocking that your mum is on the receiving end of this awful treatment but doesn’t get the support of your dad to evict. Even when she’s extremely ill and in need of care. What kind of husband is he? Your brother needs permission off both parents to live in their house.

mum need to write a letter evicting him on a specific date (ideally earlier in the week and not end of week). Letter needs to go to the housing department, adult social care and your son and should state his disability and that he will not be accommodated by you and homeless on x date. Use the police to remove him if need be snd change the lock. Do not have him back under any circumstances, various agencies will likely try to post him back to your parents. Stand firm. Don’t be his guarantor. Don’t loan cash. You can alert various agencies of situations as they arise but don’t get involved in care.

presently he has no support because your parents are doing it. Services can let things go because your parents will carry the load. Your brother actually has to fully hit crisis point out in the community to get outside help. So yes kick him out, let him hit crisis point, let the agencies sort his accommodation and support out. It will feel like free fall but he will land at some point. It sounds like supported living might be the way forward.

This is a tough situation and I feel for everyone involved! However, your brother has never had to be an adult, so no wonder he is struggling now. He has never not been without safety nets and it is past time for him to fly. Your parents are not helping him by enabling his continued childhood. They won't be around forever and then what? How will he function once they are gone?

Time to get your parents on the same page (perhaps facilitated by you) about starting his new adult life. He has X amount of time to find a job and get a place of his own. It is on him whether he accomplishes those things or not. Regardless of whether they are/aren't accomplished, he will be moved out by X date (here is the US, you can call the sheriff/police to help with an eviction). No net to fall back on, no handouts from Mom and Dad.

It sounds like although he has ADHD and is struggling with his mental health he has no desire at the moment to try the services offered to him as he knows your parents will pick up the slack.

Being evicted when living alone and not turning up to appointments and blaming that and having your parents there is the easiest option for him.

He needs to go it alone.

If he doesn't claim benefits where is he getting the money for the weed? That's the first thing that needs to stop because his behaviour isn't all adhd , it's probably a lot to do with chronic weed use.

We both inherited £20k in 2021 from our Grandfather. I imagine he is still living off this and my parents probably also subsidise him. He doesn't go out, pay rent or pay for his car so I guess it could last him a while.

It’s a bit drastic but if he’s in the granny annexe and still behaving so badly maybe they should move to a smaller place and help set him up somewhere else with some support? I’m guessing there must be some private/ social care type workers who will go in and clean etc?

Id also suspect there is more to his mental health than has been diagnosed and if he won’t engage then he may have to have a crisis to reach the help he needs.

Some people will never function well in society and will lead sad and reclusive lives. Unfortunately he may be one of them. I don’t think your parents need to allow their lives to be made so miserable by him. However it’s probably really hard to make these changes.

What do you think will happen when he runs out of money?

Some people will never function well in society and will lead sad and reclusive lives. Unfortunately he may be one of them. I don’t think your parents need to allow their lives to be made so miserable by him. However it’s probably really hard to make these changes.

Sadly I totally agree with the first part of your statement. I know people like this and it is heartbreaking.
However I don't understand the second part. As a Mum, putting my son out on the street (which you're not suggesting, but many are) would not make my life any less miserable. If anything it is the worst outcome I could imagine. I understand that total terror of knowing that when you die, your child will be left unprotected in a world that does not care about them at all.

Hiya, thank you for answering.
To answer your question, my parents have a wonderful relationship. They have been together for 36 years and I have never known them to argue other than recently over this. My dad thinks that my mum is the complete light of his life, he is a lovely husband and worships the ground she walks on. To be a complete millennial, 'relationship goals' lol.
He does have a habit of burying his head in the sand with family issues though and would rather not deal with it. He is still working now and exhausted constantly so I guess doesn't want the drama. Mum has always been a SAHM so spends more time with my brother, therefore gets the brunt of it all.

Suspected PDA, maybe even autism. He won't go for an assessment though

Hiya, he does not get worse. He has always been this way but just seems to take the piss more over time as my parents get more desperate to help him. I don't think he'll ever reach a crisis point. My parents are keen to downsize and move to Cornwall but my brother refuses to let them go. He runs their life out of their fear of losing him.

I think the messaging to your parents has to be "who will care for him when you are gone, because I won't". You need to make your stance on that very clear (if it is that you won't do it). They likely feel a lot of guilt over his depression/lack of employment. My family has a similar situation. The enabling is incredibly frustrating and hard to watch, but it is truly out of your control until your parents decide to force a change. The only thing that you can tell them is how much you are willing to be involved now, and when they are not present. Sometimes setting that tone will help a bit.

Wow, that sounds so difficult. I have a similar situation with my 34 year brother who lives with my 70 something parents. He is autistic and lives like a recluse. He works very part time in a charity shop and lived independently gor a few years in his twenties but seems to have regressed since then. No idea what will happen to him when my parents aren't around anymore. It's scary thinking about what the future holds. My parents won't kick him out as they're scared he'll harm himself. I'll read some of the resources suggested here, sorry I can't contribute any ideas but I feel for your situation and can empathise.

Oh wow, this sounds like such a difficult situation. I agree with PP, if you’ve tried everything and nothing has improved then I think kicking him out is the only option.

Could your parents sell the house, move to Cornwall and then not tell him the address???

This is so difficult but if he stays he will end up draining your DM. Also what happens when they are no longer around?

I would be clear to them that they need him to leave now whilst they can support him getting some form of independence.

My bf has a relative who is 45 and still at home. He has a job but nothing else. No one will listen to his concerns that this cannot go on.

Haim Omar wrote a book on it.
https://chadd.org/attention-article/failure-to-launch-treating-it-as-a-process-not-a-failure/
I really like his approach for my autistic tween. It may be worth looking at this?

Would you do that to your son?

This is good advice. Make sure your parents know what you are and aren't prepared to do once they're gone.

He needs tough love. He will destroy your DM’s health if he doesn’t leave. Send him with some money to start him off, but at 30, he needs to learn the hard way.

Sectioning him isn't a thing. You can get his mental health assessed but unless they consider him a risk there no way he will be taken as an in patient.

Tbh I think your parents need to just kick him out. He is 30 years old. If I was your parent I would find him a flat, and help him do a benefits application but I wouldnt guarantor it or anything. It's harsh but he is refusing to care for himself and is making everyone else I'll in the process. Failing that as horrible as it is I would just tell him a date he must be gone by.
If he wants to live in squalor and not bother to engage with his mental health treatment that's up to him. He needs to go and do that elsewhere and your parents need to stop enabling him letting him live at home treating them like this.

He is diagnosed with ADHD.
Does he have medication? This can make a massive difference.

In terms of him not working. Does he have any "obsessions"? Anything that is a gateway to working?

I think you need to help your parents see that they are choosing to be responsible for him. He is an adult and adults who cannot or will not take care of themselves need to rely on state assistance, not their parents.

They didn't have to pay out to get him a flat, they didn't have to financially bail him out when he was evicted, they do not have to house him and they do not need to clean for him.

I'm afraid it's one of those situations where they are facilitating their own misery and his stagnation all at once.

All of that sounds awfully harsh but it's also true, OP. The current situation must suit your brother or he would interact with agencies that offer support. He just wants to stay there and be looked after, which is fine for him bt what happens when your parents can't look after him any more?

They need to make him homeless.

It's cold but it's inevitable.

You aren't going to take him on when they die are you?

He's never going to take responsibility until forced and it's better for it to be now rather than in the future simply because of how much harder it will be.

Your parents are not helping the situation in the long term.

How has he got the private medical care-presume it’s not through his work? I would be asking his psychiatrist for advice

What's funding his weed and junk food habit?

Cut that funding off and he'll have to get a job.